My 'lovely' boyfirend left me for someone else.

[MinziGirl]

I'm sure relationships are affected by the other aspects of our "fast-paced" lifestyles. Doesn't seem as though too many people are willing to stick it out and really make it work with a partner. Too many people want a quick easy fix, a new relationship instead of fixing a current one, much like people will try ten different diet pills before ever hopping on an exercise bike.

 

Why today's world is like this is because people always thinks that everything would be readily available to them. We are used to what i call the mircowave society. We want things fast hot... but we don't know that it cools down also fast. We have too many choices in life.

 

I would choose for old-fashioned values anytime because they have much more value in them & last much better.

[caz83]

So I have decided that I am definitly going to go NC starting today (hopefully!) and not text him on graduation either. However, he still has some mail at our apartment that he needs to collect so I will end up seeing him in the next couple of days. I want to see him because last time he saw me (nearly 3 weeks agao) I was a complete mess and got into a big argument because I was so upset and it was bad, he then didnt speak to me for nearly two weeks. We have started talking again now (only occassionally) and havent mentioned it and are begining to just get along again. So before I start no contact is it a good idea to ask him to get his mail and just be freindly and breezy and not mention it, then start NC? That way his last memory of me wont be as a crying mess and therefore NC might have more effect in getting him to miss me? Good idea?

And yes, I am using NC as a way to try and get him back (if I happen to get over him while I am doing it then that is just a nice side effect!). I know people say that that is not what its for and that I shouldn't want him back anyway, but I do. And I can say I dont etc etc, but its only because I feel like thats what I'm SUPPOSED to say. But and the end of the day I just want to be happy, and getting him back will make me happy.

[caz83]

I am having a really bad day today and just keep blaming myself for the whole thing. The only thing that I can think of that was wrong was that over the last year (since I started teaching) we hadn't had alot of sex because I was always tired or stressed out or busy and just wanted to cuddle up and relax with him instead. And so now I keep thinking about all the times I turned down sex or went to bed early and I feel so bad and awful and I hate that I might have made him feel rejected because I would do anything to be with him now and for him to want me like he used to. I just keep blaming myself over and over again. Is is normal to blame yourself like this?

I know its not really my fault, because if he had a problem with how often we had sex he should have told me and we could have talked about it instead of him just pretending that everything was fine. But thats the only thing that I can think of that could have caused this. But why didnt he tell me?

I hate feeling like this and wich I could turn back time.

[lamaman3]

You seem like quite an intelligent and self-aware woman. I think, considering the circumstances you are doing quite well and all these emotions you are going through are quite normal. At the same time recognize that you're simply processing the loss now and your emotions are reflecting that. Please don't blame yourself - you hit the nail on the head with your boyfriend's behavior. He met someone new and the excitement of the newness and maybe the lust is fogging up his brain. Sure enough this will wear off too - but please please please be strong. Do not contact him, not before nor after his graduation day. Right now he can have his cake and eat it too - he gets to be with new girl and gets the same feelings of validation from his old girl texting and bantering with him. Cut it off - don't respond to him, just stop. You only want him back in your life in the context of him telling you he made the worst mistake of his life (which ironically, is only more likely to happen if he feels hes lost you completely) - so unless he is bombarding you with messages to that effect - you need to stop delaying your healing. When ever you think of him now you can simply think - "thanks for the memories, have a nice life"

[caz83]

I am having such a bad few days. Its like when it first hapened all over again and I dont know why. I think its because at first I was SO sure that it was just a stupid phase that he would snap out of...but its been two months now and Im starting to realise that its not just a phase...although 2 months isnt long enough for his relationship with her to have gone sour yet, they will still be in the exciting bit. but I dont know.I had a dream last night that we were together and he was trying to break up with me and saying all these horrible things and I had no idea and was so shocked and trying to talk him out of it....then I woke up and rolled over to give him a cuddle and tell him about my horrible dream, then I had to realise that he wasnt there and that he actually had dumped me. I couldnt stop crying.

[MrFun]

caz, I'm not your bf and I don't claim to know what is going through he head, but I don't think it's a lot to be honest.

 

This relationship with the new 23 year old will not work in the long term. It might be nice and fresh and bubbly at the moment, but in the midterm this both are going to think "she/he dumped a ltr for me, they could dump me for someone else". You need to stay distant to the other person to not get hurt in the same way you hurt you past partner! Distance a contradiction to what a relationship is about. You're capable of a close, mature relationship, he is not.

 

He's out not having a great time partying it up. Maybe he didn't do enough of it when he was younger? Maybe he feels he needs to sow his seeds more? Whatever the case, one day he'll want more and then he'll remember how your relationship was. And something so close is hard to find, believe me I'm in that exact situation right now.

 

My exgf also left me w/o warning. She has a history of make-pretend and her parents are the same too, so I've stopped blaming myself for not seeing the "signs". 6 years we were together, and everyone was shocked to find out that we split up. Never heard from her again, received two emails at the end and that was 6 years right there for you. <can_laugh_about_it_now>

 

My tip is go the NC route, gather yourself first, and eventually you'll meet someone that can communicate his feelings and thoughts better than he can.

 

Remember: you get one chance a lifetime with one person. He messed up, you need to move up.

[caz83]

He's out not having a great time partying it up. Maybe he didn't do enough of it when he was younger? Maybe he feels he needs to sow his seeds more? Whatever the case, one day he'll want more and then he'll remember how your relationship was. And something so close is hard to find, believe me I'm in that exact situation right now.QUOTE]

 

This is why I am having a hard time excepting that it is definitly over for good. Because I am positive (and so if pretty much everyone else) that it wont last between these two. Because the only thing that drew them together that was different to what me and him had was that they would go out and have funa nd get drunk together etc etc. and now it is all fun and exciting and full of lust, but once that fades what is the difference between being with her and being with me? (i guess only he knows the answer to that).

When you say that something so close it hard to find...thats what I think too. We had a real relationship and we were very much in love (despite what people may think, he did love me) and we lived togther happily. I have said this before, but it is rare to find someone you love and who loves you back and who u can happily live with...so what are the chances taht he will go from one relationship like that straight into finding it with someone else?

I think the reason I cant accept it is over is because I dont accept (with good reason I think) that it will last between them, so then I think well if he breaks up with her what is then to stop him regretting breaking up with me and what we had? I dont know. I wish I could accept that it is fully over. but at the moment I just cant. It just doesnt feel like this is the end for us., not when this is the first ever problem we have had. People dont normally split up for good at the first problem do they? i dont know.

[caz83]

I havent been able to stop crying for the last 3 days. Why am I like this now? I thought I was doing so much better. I think that maybe I was in denial and now it is beginning to hit me that it might really be over. I know that when our contract for our apartment is up in August I will have to move away to my parents but I was so sure it wouldnt get to that point. but now that day is getting closer and closer and there is no sign of him coming back and now Im starting to panic because I dont think Ill be able to go through with that day. saying goodbye to our first home and all our memories. How do I do that? I was so so sure it wouldnt get to that point. but now its only like a month away. I cant do it.

[frozenchilli]

Hey Caz...

I'm so sorry to hear about what ure going thru. I was in a similar situation a few months ago.

The man that I had trusted and spent so many years with suddenly up and left me for someone else. He only knew this girl a couple of months before he claimed he was in love with her.

In my case, he left me, insisting there was no-one else and a week later was officially going out with this chick. He said he was feeling 'unsettled' and his mind was starting to think that the grass was greener.

We broke up in september '08, and they got together at the end of that month. Now I heard that they are engaged (hadnt even been 6 months).

 

As much as I would like to say I wish him all the best, I'm not there yet. I think hes foolish and making a mistake. Tho I wouldnt even dream of taking him back now, since I know hes not the kind of person who I can trust my future with, hes not secure.

 

Ive been through all the emotions ure going thru now.. trying to keep it together and act like ure doing OK, but over analyzing every little thing that happened... I remember totally blaming myself, thinking it was coz i didnt do this n that...

But one day the penny dropped. Ure ex sounds alot like mine, so I'm gonna throw out my understanding about men like this.

 

They are in love with 'love'. And by that I mean, the whole courtship thing... that buzz of finding out about the new person, lots of holding hands, introducing people to the new partner etc. and I find that they are the ones that over compensate by being 'seemingly affectionate' (the over gestures with gifts and saying i love u all the time.. my ex did that), but love is an action not a word, and to love someone is to be selfless and giving whole-heartedly... of which he isnt.. he was thinking about himself and clearly hadnt given u his full heart for it to be swayed by some other random chick so easily. She hasnt done anything to prove shes worthy of his 'unconditional' love.

Deep down these men are not mature and havent grasped the concept of a deep and meaningful LTR.

Men who have 'grass is greener' syndrome will never be happy.

 

Example, what happens if 2 years down the line (assuming they last that long which I dont think they will), they get 'comfortable' and in a routine... and some nice young girl joins his work place, and they have so much in common.. he will begin to let his mind wander and that this new girl will be the love of his life.

 

Reality is nobody is perfect, and u will always meet sumone at some point in ure life that u are attracted to and they seem to be 'everything' u look for. If he doesnt grow up, he will realise he will never be satistfied or happy because he doesnt know how to b content and appreciate what he has.

 

Now from reading what uve written I can assume u were a giving, kind, generous, loving gf. For someone to give that up is foolish, and that tells u about his mentality.

You gotta feel sorry for people who are never content because they will never appreciate the important things.

 

One day if he matures he will realise what a mistake he made and realise he lost something so gd. But thats not ure problem. The best u can hope for is that when that day comes he'll b content with what he has, even if its not as gd as u, and u can b reassured that in his mind he knows he had a gd thing and will cherish those memories.

On the other hand, if he keeps chasing women, he'll find himself heading to late 30's never really settling down and then undesirable. Or he'll have to settle in order to make a decent future and start a family.

Either way u know u were a gd partner and u have to keep reminding ureself what a catch u r!!

 

I was in a stage where i was thinking it was coz i wasnt gd enuf, but I know that isnt tru. Till the v end I know I was the best I could b.

re: my situation, I know this chick doenst know him like I do and she'll soon find out he's not perfect. And tho I dont know her I assume my ex will eventually get a reality check that things arent always rosy.

I think to propose during the honeymoon period' is stupid, its a mistake hes gonna have to live with.

But as I say, not my problem.

 

 

I'm focussed on acheiving amazing things in my life, and eventually finding someone who is worthy. If some time in the future I see him again, I want to be happy and doing the best things I can b doing. I will never look at him and think 'gosh, look what i missed out on' but its likely he may have that coz it was his choice to give it up.

To be honest its great to be unattached.. even if u get into a relationship in the near future, let the world enjoy YOU... change someones life, make a difference and have fun at the same time, and i cant stress this point enuf... INVEST in the right peple.. those that will always b there for u (friends n family) those are more solid relationships..

And when u happen to bump into the gorgeous guy that has the same values and mentality u have then u will have you happily ever after... i assure u

 

Keep taking those baby steps, you're doing so well!!

[caz83]

Im so...I dont know. Angry? upset? let down? Im not sure. After my bad few days I was starting to accept things a bit more, and though we had got to the point where we could actually be friends. We hadnt talked about 'us' for ages just had nice, normal chats via text message. Last weekend was last time we texted a proper conversation and it was really nice, I just sent a general 'how's things?' text and he sant a long one back saying how he is worried about his course becuase he isnt getting good grade etc and we had a good long converation back and forth, I asked him how his dad was doing (he was very sick when we were together) and it was nice. Anyway, it was his graduation day yesterday and on the back of out friendly converstaions I thought it would be ok to text so I did, all I sent was "congratulations x" but didnt hear any thing back which I was shoucked at because I really thought I would, afterall he had text me a couple of weeks ago on the day he handed in his last assignment saying how good it felt etc. So today I text him saying 'I guess u got my text? dont worry ur welcome'. Just now (6 hours later) got a text saying "I dont want to be nasty but I dont think us being friends is working for us, one minute we are ok and the next we aren't so I think it would be best if we werent. Thanks for the text"

What the hell? where has that even come from? I thought we were now finally getting to the point where we could actually be friends. I cant help thinking that his new girlfriend has had a bit of a say in this.

It just makes me so angry because he has ex girlfriends before me who have been horiible to him and treated him like cr*p, but he still talks to them and sees them etc. But I havnt done anything but love him and be there for him but he cant even stand to talk to me. That is so messed up.

[desertsun09]

I was thinking the exact same thing as you....it's the new GF that is controlling this.

 

This situation is beyond messed up. I don't think YOU should be friends with HIM! He doesn't even deserve that to be quite honest. Why would you put yourself through the torture? He's successfully proven that he is a jerk and is moving forward with this other relationship. He's acting as if you're just making it hard for him to move on and making him feel guilty for his actions.

 

Don't give him the satisfaction. Just end the friends thing too.

[caz83]

Yes, I am pretty certain that she has something to do with this. I am so so mad. Its was him that did a horrible thing, but somehow it me who is made to feel like I have done something wrong. At least he is making it alot easier for me to get to the angry stage.

[caz83]

I have decided how I feel now. Angry and disappointed in him.

[caz83]

So, since he sant me that text saying he doesnt wan to be my friend I had been doing very well. The text has made it easier to get to the angry stage, and I really didnt want to talk to him anymore. I managed to get through from last sunday until today with only texting him once (on wednesday, just told him "you have had some mail" and that is it) I went out on thursday night with friends and met some nice guys who asked for my number which was a real confidence boost and noticed I was getting checked out my some of the workmen we have in the school I teach at this week. I had stopped noticing this, so it really did alot for my self esteem. I had started to feel really good, planned another night out for next week and was getting to the point where I could imagine being with someone else. I even made the decision that I am NOT going to see him when I move away, I am just going to post him the keys to the flat when I have gone so he can sort it out. I havent cried for 6 days and have periods of time when I realise I havent been thinking about him, which shocks me when I realise.

But today I have woken up and I really miss him and it feels like the whole of this week has just been fake and false and a front that I am putting on to pretend that I am ok. and although I met some nice guys, all I really want is a cuddle and the comfortable fun and jokes that I have with him. Please tell me this is just a little 'relapse' and that this week hasnt been fake?

[caz83]

this relapse is lasting a while. I ended up texting him yesterday and today and I am so mad at myself. I still miss him so much and I am just fooling myself and everyone else by pretending I am over it.

[kizik]

What a total piece of sh*t your ex-BF is. I've said before that there should be a special prison built for people who so selfishly hurt others in the name of their own narcissistic vanity. You have every right to be completely devastated and shocked to the core. BUT, what will get you through is knowing that you did NOTHING wrong, and this guy is a complete, total creep, loser, and as$hole.

 

Whatever you do - DON'T blame yourself. You thought you knew him, and boy, were you wrong. Life is NOT over, though. Your eyes are open a little bit wider and you will use this experience to perhaps be a little more cautious of people in the future... but once again, this is NOT your fault, you could NOT have seen this coming... he's just a total, unequivocal piece of sh*t.

[caz83]

I do blame myself though. And I know I shouldn't. but I cant help thinking that if I had ben a bit more fun, or slept with him more often then maybe he wouldnt have looked elsewhere.

[kizik]

Caz, that is classic co-dependent talk and you need therapy right away to realize that's not your fault.

[caz83]

I am really angry. Ever since this started the one think I havent been able to understand is how he can just stop caring. I get that he fell out of love, but I never understood how he could just stop caring about me after being together for so long. When we were together he used to woory about me if he was out for the night and I was in the flat on my own etc. and so since he left I have struggled to understand how he can just stop caring when he know I am living in a strange city, now on my own.

Anyway, last year we used to live in a flat in the city centre when one night, quite late, a scary man knocked on out door from a debt collection place saying we were being evicted and that we had a week to leave. It was terryifying at the time and a nightmare, but we got through it together (turns out out landlord hadnt been paying his mortgage, even though we had been paying our rent) and now we laugh (or laughed) about it and how scary it was, but it was ok because we ended up in a better flat where I now live on my own. Well, on Tuesday night I had a knock at the door late at night, I opened it and it was the same scary debt collector man again! I was terrified! turns out he was trying to get hold of the guy who lives next door because the same thing has happened to him that happened to us. Anyway, it was really weird/scary/strange that he turned up at our flat again so I text my ex. becuase it is something only he will get and understand and just said "oh my god, I just had a knock at the door and it was that scary debt collector man!" But I heard NOTHING back.I wasnt too bothered, but today I was thinking about it and realised that nothing in that text implied that the man was actually looking for the guy next door and not me. So for all he knows our flat (which is still in his name and has his stuff in) could be being repossessed and I might have been kicked out of our flat again with nowhere to live...and he hasnt even responded to ask what was going on or if I was ok!!! and he knows how scary and aggressive that man is and I was here on my own! How can you just stop caring? I understand that you can stop loving someone, but how can he just not give a ***** about me?!

[Thomas X Forever]

Kizik, you're one of the most mean spirited people on this forum. There are very few people who I would call out on this board (in fact I think just you). You should build the walls of your fantasy prison around you.

 

But caz, the reality is, if he is narcissistic then it's pretty simple how he can not give a damn about you. It's because he gives a damn about himself too much, and doesn't have room left for you. The most important thing is figuring out how to logically understand that that isn't your fault.

[ON MY OWN]

I have been through something almost identicle as you. When I saw your post I was like, WOW. I couldnt believe it. With mine I was engaged, he bought the engagment ring, then a year later the wedding ring, then as it was on its way back in from being sized about 3 weeks later, he broke up with me. He met this woman 12 years younger a month and a half ago and is being absolutely terrible with me. Tons of broken promises and not a kind bone in his body towards me anymore. Except he is keeping my cell phone on for some time we have come to through conversations, which I think is nice. He said its in his heart. So I am definitely relating to what your going through. The cold hard facts is life goes on and they dont seem to care what they put us through and we definitely deserve better than they have to give.

 

 

He is engaged to her now. Its like I never existed. I feel like I need to try and find my exisitance again. Everyone always has something to say until it is them. I appreciate people trying to help but noone really unless they have lived through it knows what it is like to be raised up on a pedestal and dropped down flat on your face. Please feel free to email back to me and we can share heartache and the cures as well.

 

On a good note I have come a long way. I am taking time for me and finishing up getting my degree and working to feel better and whole again. I miss him and our closeness like crazy every day. He dont want anything to do with me like a piece of garbage. I feel the saddest I have ever felt in my entire life. I know I will get through this though. I cant wait until I am more past this. How are you feeling? I hope your days get better and brighter!!

[caz83]

ON MY OWN, you're right, your situation is very similar to mine. The hardest part is not so much accepting it, but understanding. Like I said before, I understand how he can fall out of love, but he is acting like he hates me.

I am doing a bit better though. I still haven't heard a thing from him. I can't believe he hasn't even asked what that man wanted. I bet he thinks I am making it up as a reason to talk to him, because it is such a strange and random thing to happen. But that's why I text him about it because it was so strange and random!

Anyway, I am proud of myself...everytime I have tried to start NC with him I manage to get to 2 days then always give in and text on the 3rd day. I am now on day 6!! I hope I can keep it up. I might also have a date with someone in the pipeline, although I am not sure whether to go as I am very nervous having not dated for years. But the fact that I am even considering it shows I am doing better.

[New_life]

on my own, i feel for you as I too am going through that. After 4 years, she breaks it and 2 weeks goes out with someone else. I saw photos and comments on facebook, and it tore me.

 

They trash you after so much time? I just dont know how to cope with this... I appreciate everyone telling me to go out with friends, etc.. However I alienated my friends for her... And im not the social type as well...

 

I know there is someone better for me, but the feeling of how she is soo happy withsomeone else makes me want to puke...

 

I hope in a while all of us can say where with someone better.