Newbie - struggling big time

[sweetie40]

having a hard time right now.

Met him through work, chatted loads, and we just clicked.

found he was seeing someone, but they werent happy and arguing a lot. I was just someone to chat to i guess and made him laugh. They split up, and i had an opportunity to go see him a few mnths after. had a great time,got back to find he didnt want anything else and i said i would leave it there. But he didnt want me to walk out of his life.

Things moved on and things changed, on new years eve he told me he loved me.

 

We talk everyday either a call,or txt or messenger.

 

He lives about 700 miles from me ( an 8 hr drive).

I am struggling though, our last meet up was beginning of may, we had agreed to meet up every four weeks. But due to work and other commitments he has its now not going to be till july.

 

I feel as if everything else comes before me, but then i think maybe im just being selfish and wanting more of his time than i can have.

 

The past couple of days i have been thinking about finishing it, but i dont want to lose him. Just dont know what to do anymore.

[Thornton]

So he was already with someone when you met, but he didn't tell you, and you had to find out for yourself? Why on earth are you still with this guy? He clearly has as much respect for you as he does for his gf (i.e. none). He told you they split up, but since you're in an LDR how can you prove this? He could be lying just to get you off his back.

 

I can't believe you went and saw him after you found out he was cheating! You probably gave him sex too, then you got back home and he effectively dumped you because he'd already got what he wanted. But then he decided he didn't want to lose his bit of fun, so he carried on seeing you, but he still isn't particularly committed to the relationship and is making excuses not to see you.

 

I honestly don't think this guy really loves or respects you, and he doesn't sound committed to the relationship. He should want to see you as much as you want to see him, but apparently he doesn't and you're the one who's stressing over not getting enough love and attention from him. Do yourself a favour and dump him - this guy you love and "don't want to lose" is a mirage, in reality he's a lying cheating scumbag who doesn't prioritise your relationship, and you deserve better. Don't beat yourself up about it - I was once in exactly the same situation and I know how painful it is.

[carvidep]

having a hard time right now.

Met him through work, chatted loads, and we just clicked.

found he was seeing someone, but they werent happy and arguing a lot. I was just someone to chat to i guess and made him laugh. They split up, and i had an opportunity to go see him a few mnths after. had a great time,got back to find he didnt want anything else and i said i would leave it there. But he didnt want me to walk out of his life.

Things moved on and things changed, on new years eve he told me he loved me.

 

We talk everyday either a call,or txt or messenger.

 

He lives about 700 miles from me ( an 8 hr drive).

I am struggling though, our last meet up was beginning of may, we had agreed to meet up every four weeks. But due to work and other commitments he has its now not going to be till july.

 

I feel as if everything else comes before me, but then i think maybe im just being selfish and wanting more of his time than i can have.

 

The past couple of days i have been thinking about finishing it, but i dont want to lose him. Just dont know what to do anymore.

 

I think he's keeping you around because he likes feeling "needed". He just doesn't want to go out of his way to see you. Your attention is enough for him, and he could be in another relationship on the side, considering his past. I dated a guy once who seemed to have completely lost all interest in me, yet he didn't want to let me go. It drove me crazy trying to break up with him, knowing that things weren't gonna change, that he was essentially using me to pet his ego. He also lived 4 hours away from me and was terrible with communication, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was stringing someone else along, too.

 

I know that empty feeling of trying to rationalize his "unavailability," like a dog that was strung up on a leash in the back yard and forgotten, and feeling like I should be more understanding, but I think I was understanding enough, like you are. It's time for you to tell him how you feel, even give him a time line. Sometimes being selfish isn't such a bad thing.

[sweetie40]

there was an opportunity to meet up on monday so i drove to Newcastle, it

was his suggestion, and it was a work thing. Not many people at work knew about us. (My doing) They do now lol, the whole evening was such a laugh. Should now only be a while before we arrange a weekend.

 

Keep trying to walk away from him but find i cant.

 

Thorntons comment.

"So he was already with someone when you met, but he didn't tell you, and you had to find out for yourself? Why on earth are you still with this guy?"

 

he was upfront with things about what was going on, that they were constantly arguing and he was having a hard time with whether to break it off with the person he was seing,(i made no comments regarding what he should or shouldnt do) and i didnt find out for myself he told me, he was upfront from the beggining. We werernt seeing each other just talking.

 

 

Carvideps comment.

I know exactly where you are coming from with what you said. he has said once he is back from an organised trip in three weeks he will arrange a weekend.

If it takes him ages, or he doesnt do it then i am just gonna have to find the courage to say its over.

[Rollercoasterr]

Anytime a girl uses the excuse that they weren't doing anything but talking I want to throw up. You know you had feelings for him,and it was NOT innocent.

 

With my fiance we dated before, broke up, and stayed friends. He and I both started seeing other people and we still talked, but it wasn't innocent. I'll go ahead and be honest about that. Sure, we were both being treated like crap but that doesn't give us an excuse. My only excuse is that the girl he was with bascially forced us to break up so I'm happy she got everything she did.

 

You are only a booty call to this guy. If you weren't you'd be seeing him, and people at work would know about you.

[Maggs]

Sweetie40--How long have you officially been in a relationship and how committed are both of you to this? And how old are both of you?

 

 

Rollerrcoaster--I beg to differ on your comment re: Anytime a girl uses the excuse that they weren't doing anything but talking I want to throw up. You know you had feelings for him,and it was NOT innocent.

 

Yes, a lot of times this is the case. But not everytime. My fiance and I were acquiantances/friends a year before we started seeing each other. We chatted briefly maybe once a month on MSN (mostly, hi how are you, how's work going, etc.) and we were friends because one of my best friends is married to his brother and I used to spend loads of time with my friend and her hubby (fiance was never present at anytime) and with his parents on a few occasions. He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend during this time. There was no feelings for each other whatsoever until well after both of us had split up with out SO's then he admitted he fancied me. And both of us had our own reasons for splitting up with our SO's that had nothing to do with each other. His ex was a loon, he'd been trying to break up with her for ages because she treated him like crap and my ex had been lying and stealing money from me!

[sweetie40]

Hi Maggs,

 

In answer to your question im 40 and he is nearly 30 we didnt know that when we first started talking, our personalties are very similar and sense of humour i guess thats where the attraction started.

We have now been in a relationship for about a year. I am def commited to the relationship, as for him i dont know. He doesnt talk about how he feels about us or anything apart from the fact he tells me he loves me.

 

Hence my confusion and finding the whole thing pretty difficult.

 

Im not making excuses but he does have commitments at weekends that were there before i came along. One of them being he has to work some saturdays.

 

 

as for rollercoasters comment. we were only talking because he is 700 miles away we had no way of doing anything else lol.

 

With the work thing we have many divisions of where i work, not everyone could no about us there are way too many people who work all over the country.

[Rollercoasterr]

Sweetie40--How long have you officially been in a relationship and how committed are both of you to this? And how old are both of you?

 

 

Rollerrcoaster--I beg to differ on your comment re: Anytime a girl uses the excuse that they weren't doing anything but talking I want to throw up. You know you had feelings for him,and it was NOT innocent.

 

Yes, a lot of times this is the case. But not everytime. My fiance and I were acquiantances/friends a year before we started seeing each other. We chatted briefly maybe once a month on MSN (mostly, hi how are you, how's work going, etc.) and we were friends because one of my best friends is married to his brother and I used to spend loads of time with my friend and her hubby (fiance was never present at anytime) and with his parents on a few occasions. He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend during this time. There was no feelings for each other whatsoever until well after both of us had split up with out SO's then he admitted he fancied me. And both of us had our own reasons for splitting up with our SO's that had nothing to do with each other. His ex was a loon, he'd been trying to break up with her for ages because she treated him like crap and my ex had been lying and stealing money from me!

 

Your situation is a bit different. You had innocent intentions the whole time, and that's fine. But the way she makes it sound as if it was one of those "Well darn, he's with somebody! Guess I just have to poke around in the background and see what happens!". That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. It was never meant to be innocent, yours was.

 

as for rollercoasters comment. we were only talking because he is 700 miles away we had no way of doing anything else lol.

As if you need to be near someone to "do anything else". People meet and fall in love over bigger distances than 700 miles. Sex and things of the physical don't always having to be involved.

[Maggs]

Hi Maggs,

 

In answer to your question im 40 and he is nearly 30 we didnt know that when we first started talking, our personalties are very similar and sense of humour i guess thats where the attraction started.

We have now been in a relationship for about a year. I am def commited to the relationship, as for him i dont know. He doesnt talk about how he feels about us or anything apart from the fact he tells me he loves me.

 

Hence my confusion and finding the whole thing pretty difficult.

 

Im not making excuses but he does have commitments at weekends that were there before i came along. One of them being he has to work some saturdays.

 

 

as for rollercoasters comment. we were only talking because he is 700 miles away we had no way of doing anything else lol.

 

With the work thing we have many divisions of where i work, not everyone could no about us there are way too many people who work all over the country.

 

Well he is either....

 

A) a not overly emotional guy. And even though he's enjoying being together, he's overall pretty laid back and is oblivious to any problem or

 

B) he's not committing because he's only half interested and possibly keeping his options open for another woman.

 

Apart from asking him and trusting your own instincts, unfortunately I have no other advice to give at the moment.

[Maggs]

Your situation is a bit different. You had innocent intentions the whole time, and that's fine. But the way she makes it sound as if it was one of those "Well darn, he's with somebody! Guess I just have to poke around in the background and see what happens!". That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. It was never meant to be innocent, yours was.

 

 

As if you need to be near someone to "do anything else". People meet and fall in love over bigger distances than 700 miles. Sex and things of the physical don't always having to be involved.

 

Yea it was funny because after we did start seeing each other--everyone, including his parents said--well it's about time. And we didn't know what they meant. But apparently a few of them had noticed that we'd make a good couple and we were oblivious to it. In fact, my fiance told his Dad that he should have told him sooner. LOL

 

No hard feelings Rollerrcoaster

[sweetie40]

Well he is either....

 

A) a not overly emotional guy. And even though he's enjoying being together, he's overall pretty laid back and is oblivious to any problem or

 

B) he's not committing because he's only half interested and possibly keeping his options open for another woman.

 

Apart from asking him and trusting your own instincts, unfortunately I have no other advice to give at the moment.

 

Well today i decided bugger it i need to ask. So i asked him why he kept me at arms length and was he just holding out for someone else.

he was pleased i told him how i felt, and he said he wasnt keeping me at arms length and if he was he wasnt doing intentionally.

he also asked me what he could do and i told him he needs to talk to me about us and what he wants etc.

Sometimes i think he just doesnt get it, he has talked to me all day near enough today, but not about us. lol..

[ratingsguy]

having a hard time right now.

He lives about 700 miles from me ( an 8 hr drive).

 

You can do 700 miles in 8 hours? That's impressive.

[Rollercoasterr]

That's kind of funny to me actually, and I don't know why I didn't see it before. My fiance lives 1000 miles away from me, and it takes him a whopping 15 hours to get here. If it's only 300 miles more, why is it over double the driving time?

 

And let's be clear...he isn't the slowest driver in the world. But I do admire his will to get to me.

[Bayern]

Good luck with whatever happens. I don't think I have enough info to give you my advice (if you can call it that).

[sweetie40]

Good luck with whatever happens. I don't think I have enough info to give you my advice (if you can call it that).

 

 

what other info can i give..???

after any advice i can get to be honest.

[sweetie40]

sorry bout the mileage error its 400 miles.

[Island Girl]

We have now been in a relationship for about a year. I am def commited to the relationship, as for him i dont know. He doesnt talk about how he feels about us or anything apart from the fact he tells me he loves me.

 

So after a year is there talk of how or when the two of you would be in the same city/house,etc.?

 

As a rule I am never "committed" until I know we both are on the same page.

Hopefully he is just as committed as you are.

What are the signs that he is?

 

Hence my confusion and finding the whole thing pretty difficult.

 

I guess I just don't fully understand, as a fellow 40 year old, how you can be in a relationship for over a year and not talk about things freely.

 

All of this apprehension about talking to him in regards to the relationship makes it seem as if in a year there hasn't been much communication of goals, wants, dreams, etc.

Do you know if you have those in common?

 

Do you know what he wants in his future with regards to marriage, etc.?

And have you discussed what you want in your future?

 

 

Well today i decided bugger it i need to ask. So i asked him why he kept me at arms length and was he just holding out for someone else.

he was pleased i told him how i felt, and he said he wasnt keeping me at arms length and if he was he wasnt doing intentionally.

 

I am glad he appreciated you telling him how you felt.

Other than telling you he wasn't keeping you at arms length did he share his side?

 

he also asked me what he could do and i told him he needs to talk to me about us and what he wants etc.

 

If he is a guy that doesn't readily share but is willing to this is a bit too vague I'm afraid.

This requires him to open the conversation and put it out there which may have him feeling awkward.

 

Maybe you could share your feeling and then ask his opinion or his view on the subject. It may help to illustrate to him the kind of information you'd like to know.

 

Sometimes i think he just doesnt get it, he has talked to me all day near enough today, but not about us. lol..

 

There are things you are looking for specifically. Things you'd like him to say.

But I am afraid you are going to have to actually lead the conversation and open it up for him.

 

If he still doesn't - well, you may be opposites in that respect and you may have to get used to not getting verbal confirmation as support.

A friend of mine is in a relationship like this and he shows her in all sorts of ways that he is stuck like glue - but he doesn't really say much. (I hope he at least is demonstrative in other ways.)

 

For me, I need a guy who can talk like I can. So it'd be a deal breaker.

 

I guess you are just going to have to figure out if this is the way it will stay - and then if it is - if you can deal with it.

[Bayern]

having a hard time right now.

Met him through work, chatted loads, and we just clicked.

found he was seeing someone, but they werent happy and arguing a lot. I was just someone to chat to i guess and made him laugh. They split up, and i had an opportunity to go see him a few mnths after. had a great time,got back to find he didnt want anything else and i said i would leave it there. But he didnt want me to walk out of his life.

Things moved on and things changed, on new years eve he told me he loved me.

 

We talk everyday either a call,or txt or messenger.

 

He lives about 700 miles from me ( an 8 hr drive).

I am struggling though, our last meet up was beginning of may, we had agreed to meet up every four weeks. But due to work and other commitments he has its now not going to be till july.

 

I feel as if everything else comes before me, but then i think maybe im just being selfish and wanting more of his time than i can have.

 

The past couple of days i have been thinking about finishing it, but i dont want to lose him. Just dont know what to do anymore.

 

Well, I meant that at my age and "experience" (which is non-existent) that I really wouldn't have the best advice.

 

From what it sounds like he likes you, but as you said - he hasn't put you at #1. When that is the case, I would suggest doing the same. In many circumstances you can't help how you feel, but you can deffinetly fight it out in your mind to push him asside. If you're not #1 with him, he shouldn't be #1 with you. That'll only lead to pain in my opinion.

 

Maybe he needs time, who knows - the point is, I think you'll be doing yourself a disfavor if you think too much about it.

 

I always say "Expect the worst, hope for the best". It doesn't feel that bad if it doesn't work out. Maybe it's too cynical though...

 

Hope it helps. Good luck.