kalam Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 So, I met this girl around the start of March who is in a long distance relationship. It's not your next state over thing either, they live at the exact opposite corners of the country. They've been together just under a year, and have seen each other twice or something. Anyways, we hang out once or twice a week, and she is starting at the same college as me at the start of July, so we're going to be seeing a lot more of each other. We also talk/text to the point I'm surprised by cell phone provider hasn't claimed I've surpassed the "unlimited" part of my plan. As the weeks went on I really started to like her. But knowing she had a BF, everything was kept platonic, I just sat back, was the nice, caring friend, who was always there for her, and waited to see if she would come to me. Well, queue the beginning of May, she did. We were just hanging out at the beach, and out of the blue she starts kissing me. Since then, things have gotten kind of serious - all her doing. Every time we see each other, I still sit back(to an extent), she always ends up coming to me. She's highly aware she's cheating on her BF, but honestly doesn't seem to care. Evident by when things start happening, she says in a really low, sarcastic voice, "I shouldn't be doing this," but does anyways. At the beginning, I was fine with the friends with benefits thing, I hoped something would come of it, but she won't break up with her long distance BF for whatever reason, and I feel i'm living a lie. We've both tried exerting some self control around each other, but we both fail miserably at it, and at this point, it really seems like there is no middle ground between us, it's either all or nothing. I really just don't know where to go here. I'd go so far as to say I love her, and she apparently really likes me, but won't break up with her BF, nor will she stop with me. Should I just talk to her, tell her what i've said above, that there is no middle ground, and she needs to make a decision, me or him? The only problem there is I don't want to break off our friendship, as she is one of my best friends. Or should I just keep going down the path we're on, and see if anything changes? Some direction would be much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Evident by when things start happening, she says in a really low, sarcastic voice, "I shouldn't be doing this," but does anyways. girls always say this... Should I just talk to her, tell her what i've said above, that there is no middle ground, and she needs to make a decision, me or him? The only problem there is I don't want to break off our friendship, as she is one of my best friends. Or should I just keep going down the path we're on, and see if anything changes? Some direction would be much appreciated. basically you should get lost and go into total NC. don't say anything to her beforehand. just stop communication and stop seeing her. she already knows the situation. don't contact or see her under any circumstance. if she contacts you then tell her you will only see her after she dumps her long-distance bf. if she doesn't contact you then you also have your answer. sorry, but this is the only way. you have to force her to pick between you or him without actually saying that to her face (i.e. it has to be of her own free will) Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalam Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 basically you should get lost and go into total NC. don't say anything to her beforehand. just stop communication and stop seeing her. she already knows the situation. don't contact or see her under any circumstance. if she contacts you then tell her you will only see her after she dumps her long-distance bf. if she doesn't contact you then you also have your answer. sorry, but this is the only way. you have to force her to pick between you or him without actually saying that to her face (i.e. it has to be of her own free will) Was afraid that was the right answer... I was going to mention that as well. Thing is, she's the type of girl that keeps to herself. Want to talk to her, or hang out? You have to message her. Only time she really asks if you want to chill is if you've called her just to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 She's highly aware she's cheating on her BF, but honestly doesn't seem to care. This should be a huge red flag to you. This is not the sign of a person with integrity and good character. Even if she actually does break up with her bf and becomes your gf, THIS is how she will treat you, too, because her selfishness will always win over consideration for your feelings ("I shouldn't be doing this...but I'm going to because I want to and to hell with how my bf would be hurt"). She's a proven liar and cheater. You can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kalam Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 This should be a huge red flag to you. This is not the sign of a person with integrity and good character. It was a red flag to me, and it is a small worry that she won't change if we get together. But honestly, i'd be willing to give it a chance. I've passed it up as it's just hard to keep faithful in a long distance relationship, especially at our age (I'm 19, shes a year younger). In the end, I can only blame myself for getting hurt right? Link to post Share on other sites
lora22 Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 At the beginning, I was fine with the friends with benefits thing, I hoped something would come of it, but she won't break up with her long distance BF for whatever reason, and I feel i'm living a lie. We've both tried exerting some self control around each other, but we both fail miserably at it, and at this point, it really seems like there is no middle ground between us, it's either all or nothing. I really just don't know where to go here. I'd go so far as to say I love her, and she apparently really likes me, but won't break up with her BF, nor will she stop with me. Should I just talk to her, tell her what i've said above, that there is no middle ground, and she needs to make a decision, me or him? The only problem there is I don't want to break off our friendship, as she is one of my best friends. Or should I just keep going down the path we're on, and see if anything changes? Some direction would be much appreciated. Why would you want to be with a girl who is cheating on her bf? I mean....that could be you some day. If she won't break up with her bf now, why would she down the line? Honestly it kind of sounds like she ONLY wants from you the things she doesn't get form her bf, since he's so far away, but she doesn't actually want you as a bf. If you two are hooking up, and you two are betraying her relationship, you're not friends, you're "friends." I think that if you're not willing to just drop it (her) you should give her the ultimatum that you suggested. It's you or him, or you're done being her call boy. Link to post Share on other sites
lora22 Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 it's just hard for her to keep faithful in a relationship I took the liberty of changing your statement to make it accurate. Link to post Share on other sites
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