Please give me advice good or bad just need to hear from someone else!

[Guest]

Need Advice- I was on vacation last week and had an ok time. It was a work thing where my husband took alot of his employees that had won a trip. I wanted to be relaxed and enjoy myself but it is so hard for me to do that. My DH starts drinking and can get crazy and loud and I know he is just cutting loose which is fine because he has ALOT of STRESS but then he gets mad at me saying I am trying to control him when I tell hime he needs to stop so much ect... Then all I wanted was 5 minutes of alone time because I guess I started feeling sorry for myself because we were in a romantic destination and I was seeing all of these people kissing and hugging ect... and I said something to him about it and I guess I was bitchy about it and he started yelling saying that the trip was not about me it was for his people and he wanted them to have a good time so they would want to work harder to go on more trips ect...

Then basically we had a hugh fight and I am sure the floor we were staying on heard him and he told me he was not happy and has not been for a long time and that he could not see me chainging ect.. he said that I dont keep the house clean enough or cook even though I do try and that I just do not know how to have fun ect. We moved last year and to a town where I knew no one or had any friends and I put on 20lbs and I guess went thru depression and really did not know it and have lost 15lbs and am still losing but he gripped about that too and this is the first time I have not had to work so it has been a huge adjustment ect for me plus we have a child and it has been a very busy year so far. I dont mean to ramble but I just wanted some advice.

[midori]

Hi there,

 

It sounds like you and your husband ran into trouble because you had different ideas about the purpose of the trip. Were you the only spouse to come along? If so, fine, but that should have been a cue that the trip was not supposed to be a romantic getaway.

 

Now, was this time "off" supposed to serve as you & your husband's vacation time? Because it wasn't, obviously -- he was on the job there, trying to connect to his employees. So while it might not have been reasonable for you to assume that your husband was going to make time for you on the trip, it's also unfair if he thought you were supposed to be fine with that counting as a holiday for the two of you.

 

It kind of sounds like you and your husband need to improve your communication. He needs to see how difficult the move and the other things that have occurred in the last year have been for you. If he's anxious about his business, maybe you need to get a better handle on that.

 

As for you specifically, if you've been depressed and lonely you definitely ought to take some steps to get yourself in a healthier state. Maybe you want to try counseling. Maybe you want to try to cultivate an activity you've always been curious about -- dancing or pottery or a book club or volunteering in a soup kitchen, to name but a few examples. Stuff that will get you exposed to other people, out of the house for a bit, and put your mind and energy to constructive use. You may also find having a schedule will help you get household work done more efficiently. Right now I'm in grad school, and I have a lot of work to do but few hard deadlines. It's not easy to be productive under those conditions, and then I'm disappointed with myself because of how little I accomplish. It can be a viscious circle. Getting a schedule is very helpful in that way.

 

It sounds like you've been going through a lot of changes and have lost your bearings a bit. Don't worry, it happens. You can reorient yourself.

 

I'm unclear as to whether you recently gave birth. If so you should definitely talk to your doctor about the possibility that you're suffering from some kind of clinical depression, which is not uncommon. You might want to get yourself checked out anyway on that front. And then start thinking about what you can do to get yourself up and going. Try some new stuff -- look on it as an opportunity rather than an obligation.

 

Good luck. You and your husband can get all this sorted out.

[shopgrl]

I'm not certain exactly what you need advise about. But here's what I think about the fight you and your husband had, by the way, I'm not married and actually my boyfriend and I of 2 yrs just broke up so I don't know how helpful I'll be but here goes...

 

Either your husband was drunk and didn't know what the hell he was talking about or he has some issues and you two need to talk before things go too far. He said to you that he hasn't been happy for awhile-- You need to find out why he hasn't been happy-- Is it his stressful job? Is it you? Does he want out of the marriage? Is he willing to work on things?

 

He complained that you don't keep the house clean enough and don't cook-- For god's sake tell him to clean and cook himself! Or are you the designated cooker and house cleaner? If keeping up on the house work and cooking is a problem for you (I understand you're probably busy with your child and he's busy working) maybe consider hiring some help if that's financially possible.

 

What does he mean- he doesn't see you changing? What does he want you to change? Maybe he needs to change within himself.

 

Have you spoken with your husband since the fight? How long have you guys been married?

 

My suggestion to you would be to speak with your husband about his unhappiness and so fourth, maybe even seek some marriage counseling.

 

You two took vows. A relationship, especially a marriage, is about being there and supporting each other and working through problems as a team. If your husband is not willing to do that, maybe you two should take some time apart to reevaluate your marriage.

[guest]

Thanks for the inputs. Our DD is 8 yrs old, and we have been together almost 20 yrs. been married 13. All of the other spouses went on the trip too. So it was a couple thing. I know he needs to let loose like I said his job is alot of stress and he works very hard. I know he loves me but he keeps bringing up a loosing weight issue I am not that big, but he wants the perfect body ( let him have a child and gain 50lbs) and he said alot of hurtful things that night and I know alot of it was the drinking but I still was very hurt , I mean I did not even care if we went on the beach together or anything it would have been just the thought that would have been nice. I just usually have to fade in the background on these things. Then I get pissed off and then if I say anything I am the one that is wrong ect... I know I am not the greatest housekeeper ect.. and I am working on that and the cooking but he seems to forget that. The one day I had fun and had a few drinks with the girls ect.. then tried to give him a hug ect.. and he told me I needed to learn how to be a wife. I was floored I did not know what the hell he was talking about so i ate and left with one of the girls that I know well. When I asked him that night what he meant he said he saw me smoking and got mad about that. I smoked maybe 2 cigarites in a 4 hr peroid I was just trying to enjoy myself like he said I needed to do then got chewed out about that too. Needless to say I wish I had of just stayed home!! There is not sex problem just other issues he has, he keeps trying to tell me does not think I am happy and that he can not make me happy and I would be happier with someone else. I do not know why he says this stuff, I am very proud of him and his acomplishments ect.. and I tell him that alot and always that I love him. I also made a bid dinner tonight and unpacked all the suitcases and did the laundry and cleaned the house today!! Anyway I just wanted to vent - Thanks!

[slowbrain]

During or after drinking is not a good time to discuss anything stressfull. The brian just ain't working right. Your husband sounds as if he is affected by drink, this is normal. I have relatives that are soooooo kind but give them a bit to drink and they go into anger mode. One even got into an unprovoked fight. I also react badly to drink. Do not base your plans together on descisions made under the darn drug.

[Faerie Princess]

You guys have a lot of stuff going on internally. There are expectations, wants and needs that could be addressed.

 

You need to talk.

 

A lot.

 

That's just my opinion, however, I know that the reason why my spouse and I get on as well as we do is because we do talk frequently about our feelings, the good ones and the bad ones.

 

We work together to make our lives better and ourselves happier.

 

But good, effective communication is the key. There are a lot of good self help books, web-pages and so forth that can give you some good ideas on exercises that would help you get started. In my experience, having open and useful communication is the difference between a marriage and a happy, fun, enriching marriage.