hollywood Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 I have been married for 9 years. We were married for 6 years without child. We were pretty much independent but did enjoy spending time with each other. I would say that our sex life was average (whatever that is) but on the order of once a week except on the "off" week. 3 years ago my son was born. The pregnancy was very difficult. My wife was constantly sick. I would say that in the course of the nine months we probably had sex about 5 times. I used to be astounded by people telling me that women's sex drive usually goes through the roof when pregnant. It definitely was so at my house. Little did I know that was the beginning of the down turn in our marriage. 12 weeks after our son was born my wife returned to work. She was simply exhausted and never wanted to have sex. I understood for a while and finally asked what I could do to help. There was little I could do at this stage as far as baby care, but I did the best at taking care of all the other household activities. Sex was a rarity but was on the order of 1-2 times a month. I was understanding for about 2 years and finally wondered if the problem was me becoming unattractive or ?? I asked what the problem was and it took my threatening to leave to finally get my wife to tell me she wanted more of me taking care of my son. It seems that my wife has a problem with communication since he has been born. I have asked several times what I could do and she replies with comments like: I shouldn't have to ask because no one tells me, and I hate asking you all the time because I don't want to seem like a nag. I have shared more tasks and some from the very beggining such as making lunches, picking him up from daycare. I also help with bathing a dressing from time to time. We have grown apart because of this and I feel like we are both to blame. The latest time I decided I would wait and see how bad the frequency of sex would get before she said anything. I did not initiate or participate like I had in the past. Nothing was ever said and before the last time we went two months with only having sex once. I am sorry but this is not enough for me. Recently I have met another women who has shown interest in me even though she knows I am married. We parti cipated in a fund raising event for our work and became friends. We both acknowledge our attraction to one another and have set up boundries in order to remain friends. One very unique thing we share is our devotion to God and religious beliefs. I am sure this is the only reason we did not sleep with each other! We have decided not to cross the line so to speak until I have come to a conclusion to what I want with my marriage. I have become very distant from my wife and she even met the other woman at the fund raising event. After the event she became very suspicious and started to check cell phone bills, credit card statements and caller ID. As a result I have become even more distant and have discussed with my wife that the passion is gone from our marriage but I am willing to try to get it to work mostly for the sake of our son. We have begun marriage conseling but it is too soon to say if that will help or not. I fear that it won't because at this point I don't feel like I want it to. Honestly I am more attracted to the other woman even though we have not have sex. I am more attracted to her personality and physically. My question is does anyone think I have a chance at saving my marriage or is it hopeless that I will leave my wife for the other woman? I know I have to make the descisions but does anyone else have an experience like this? Any advice would be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Merry (I think it was Merry) has talked about something called "Marriage Builders" before on this site and I'm a strong advocate of the World-Wide Marriage Encounter weekends. You can do a Google search on either to learn more. Basically, these programs give you tools to help better communicate with your spouse, and frankly, it sounds like what you need, not trying to read her mind or expecting you to have that capability. Communication is the only thing that's going to make a real difference in your marriage, and counselling is a good step. As for experiencing a dwindling sex life, I've often wondered if a person -- especially after getting married and having a child -- starts seeing himself/herself in a different role. As in, your wife sees you as your spouse and the mother of her child, and as someone who shares responibility for paying bills. It's very easy (at least in my opinion) to lose your identity as a lover ... Forget about the other woman and concentrate on making your marriage work. Believe me, you'll feel much better knowing you tried your best to make this work than you would just chucking it all away for a love affair that might not actually be what you're looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
bones34 Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 I to am in the same situation. I find myself wanting to be with my "friend" more than my husband and I think about him constantly!! It is a heartbreaking experience,believe me I am going through it right now,and it is SO hard to stay away because the other person makes you feel so good about yourself and everything,then you get home and all you get is empty feelings from your other half. All I can say to you is stay in marriage counseling and if that don't help I would call it quits and try to get joint custody of your son. The thing is you have to want to make it work and in your message you said you didn't so you have to really sit down and think about what you want. Sexual and physical attraction is very vital in a marriage,without it you would be better off apart or as friends (if possible). Link to post Share on other sites
slowbrain Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Reading the last few notes has made me realise our marriage is much the same. Has been for over ten years. We have three great kids in their late teens and my wife is a wonderful mum, cook and outwardly loving person. I, on the other hand, require a little more than all this. I feel guilty just thinking that all the above is not enough. My sex drive 'needs' sex about three times a week. Hmmm, I think that probably depends on all sorts other minor details. My partner seems to survive without sex. I wish I could. For years I have felt unloved (in a physical sense) because it is mostly me that initiates sex. During the process I also get the feeling that my wife also never 'lets go' or just enjoys it. I always feel there is just a small bit of her enjoyment missing. For a while I left the initiation of sex to her. Well, it just stopped. She says I just don't gve her enough attention. That just floors me. If there was anything that I have not tried over the last few years I would like to know. We talk. Every time we have a tete a tete, sex is OK for a while. Then it just goes down hill again. There seems nothing fixable, we just make temporary allowance. Our natural mental positions are just different. Our relationship never seems to change or improve. We have definitely slipped into friendship mode. Does anyone think there is something that can be done to actually improve our situation? Should we just accept our differences? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hollywood Posted October 31, 2003 Author Share Posted October 31, 2003 If you still feel love for her than you are in a better place than I am with my wife and I think it will be easier for you to restore some of the good times. People tell me to plan dates, show more affection, and just pamper my wife and she will come around with responding to sex more. The problem with me is I tried that in the past and it helped for a while but we kept slipping back into this rut. I too initiated sex all the time and it gets old fast! Personally I am tired of trying but am still hopeful with time, maybe a controlled separation?, I will get the desire just to be with my wife again. I am trying to give this marriage a full chance as much as possible to bring the love back but right now I don't feel it. Maybe I am contradicting but I am not ready to throw it away yet even though deep down I have given up. I hope the counseling will help! Good luck and I would also suggest conseling if available because it doesn't sound too late for you. Try prayer too it has helped me but I know God will not send me the answer... that is why we have free will! God Bless Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Hollywood - My advice to you right now would be STAY AWAY FROM THE OTHER WOMAN! You are not doing yourself, and certainly not your wife, any favors by having a relationship (albiet without sex) with this woman. How can you work on your relationship with your wife when you have this other woman in the wings, so to speak? You need to be focusing all your energies on your marriage and doing what it would take to make things better there. Listen to your wife and stop making excuses. You have a child at stake here! Link to post Share on other sites
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