drummerprince81 Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 Does anyone else have these crazy ideas of trying to charm your way into a second chance, or at least laying down some foundations from your side of the bridge for future reconcilation? Or do you really have to just wait until there is positive sign? Do you slowly re-build a friendship, on terms of when they contact you so that you don't do anything else to ruin any future opportunity or simply lay all your cards on the table and take the risk (the rewards for this I guess swing to the extreme both ways - it works, or it doesn't)? My mind is fried today. I'm not dealing with my break-up at all, and its 3 months now. I love my ex with every bone in my body. My heart is telling me to do something and is refusing to let go, despite the situation. I mean, if you love someone with all your soul, shouldn't I be pulling out all the stops to win her back? I know most people on here are less positive when it comes to making extraordinary efforts, especially when ZERO effort is coming from the other end, but it usually is going to be ZERO effort coming from the other end. Link to post Share on other sites
juschilln Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 simply no contact if she truly wants u back she will come runnin. dont push the issue and TRY to win her back bc right now you will only push her away even more! doesnt make sense right? but it its the truth. When i mean nc i mean no text no call no email dont give in! its going to be tough but right now by giving in she feels like she has all the power. Make her realize how life is without u in it and your presence. Im going through a similar situation with my ex i just started this nc. its been 4 days so far she texted me day 2 then called and left a message yesterday telling me her bro just proposed to his gf why would she call me to tell me that if we havent talked in 3 days? does she miss me and think about me? prob. all i know is im starting to feel that im gettin the power back and u should do the same! Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Share Posted June 8, 2009 I'd love to gain some power back...and I don't mean that in the sense that its all a game, I just mean to help me feel better and if we never get back together, help me get over her. My last contact on my own initiative was about 3 weeks - I sent an email basically spilling my guts. I think it was the right thing to do but I have no proof if she has read it dammit, and I need to know! I'm sure she read it...Nevertheless, I had contact from her for the first time last week (nothing major - a bit like your scenario where you think WTF?) so maybe she did. But you are right - its best not to push the issue... Some of the things I want to do will have to wait! Link to post Share on other sites
juschilln Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 you are right about that! like i said let her live life without u in it. The crazy thing is i kind of want to break contact w her and kill her with kindness and text her saying congrats to your brother i will call u later but im really not going to...but i dunno just a thought Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 Charming your way to a second chance? Why, were you not charming enough for her the first time? One thing people who want a second chance need to understanding is this: YOU CAN NOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU. Period. End of story. If someone really wanted to be with you, they would be. If they are IN LOVE with someone else they are not IN LOVE with you. Therefore nothing you do or say is going to change their mind. That has to happen on their own without any interference from you. The best thing to do is live your life. In almost every single case we meet someone NEW and BETTER for us than someone OLD who took us for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Share Posted June 8, 2009 Yeah, I was...we all go on a charm offensive in the beginning. I think perhaps I was too charming. Plenty of us blokes are guilty of that... CG -YOU CAN NOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU. Period. End of story. As much as I posted this thread with the hope of some encouragement, I'm still not ready to take any risks so I'll bide my time for a week or two...but I personally believe with care, and a wise head, it is possible. I don't think its impossible BUT it would be very very hard because we do not have the answers in front of us. There are solutions to everything in life... CG - That has to happen on their own without any interference from you. I kinda agree with you and I kinda don't. There has to be some interference SOMETIMES. You have to be around in the background, and on their radar. And sometimes people make silly mistakes. I totally understand that by harrassing our exes with questions etc that that kind of interference deters them. Its a mixed bag I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 Yeah, I was...we all go on a charm offensive in the beginning. I think perhaps I was too charming. Plenty of us blokes are guilty of that... CG -YOU CAN NOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU. Period. End of story. As much as I posted this thread with the hope of some encouragement, I'm still not ready to take any risks so I'll bide my time for a week or two...but I personally believe with care, and a wise head, it is possible. I don't think its impossible BUT it would be very very hard because we do not have the answers in front of us. There are solutions to everything in life... The only encouragement you will find from people who have been in your situation (and most of us have) is that you'll heal much faster if you let go of the past, of the things you can not control and move forward with your life. The past is over and can not be changed. Focusing on the past does no good for anyone. Learn from your misakes and move on because if you don't, you'll be doomed to repeating those mistakes with someone new. CG - That has to happen on their own without any interference from you. I kinda agree with you and I kinda don't. There has to be some interference SOMETIMES. You have to be around in the background, and on their radar. And sometimes people make silly mistakes. I totally understand that by harrassing our exes with questions etc that that kind of interference deters them. Its a mixed bag I guess. Unfortunately what most dumpees don't understand is they are not in a position of power, whatsoever. In fact, the more you try and wrest control of a relationship from someone, the less control you really have. As someone else so eloquently pointed out some time ago... "The person with the most control in a relationship is the one who wants it the least." And in all cases, unless both people want to be in the relationship, there is NO relationship at all. If you want to believe that keeping yourself on your ex's radar will somehow make them want you back, you do that. But you will soon learn, as many other here have first hand, that the more you inject yourself into their lives (especially when you are not wanted) the more resentment (and damage) you will cause towards any reconcilliation opportunity. They say absense makes the heart grow fonder and in many cases it does. What they fail to see is that absence also makes the heart heal faster. And honestly, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? I can think of no greater waste of time.... Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 If you feel like you need to re-calibrate your charm, take it as a lesson never to let your charm and charisma slip just because you have a steady supply of sex or a girlfriend. Once your GF's interest has dropped enough to break up with you, you'll never get it back up, so go find some new women to charm. I kinda agree with you and I kinda don't. There has to be some interference SOMETIMES. You have to be around in the background, and on their radar. And sometimes people make silly mistakes. I totally understand that by harrassing our exes with questions etc that that kind of interference deters them. Its a mixed bag I guess. Sorry, man, but that's desperate thinking. You're rationalizing being an annoyance (at best) with the idea that if you slip off her radar, she will forget all about you. Do you honestly believe that? "Silly mistakes"? You think that your ex dumping you was akin to spilling milk or sending the gas bill to the phone company? She did it because she doesn't want to be with you any more. And let me tell you, no matter how charming you think you are while trying to get her back, she will find nothing charming about it. Those John Cusack methods only work in John Cusack movies. Find your self-respect, cut the cord, and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Share Posted June 8, 2009 Thanks guys. I think what you have said makes a lot of sense. I have zero power at the moment. Possibly forever. It sucks. Its best I do nothing but think of myself from now on. I'll just keep my fingers crossed that happy endings do happen and if she gets in touch so be it. As for learning from mistakes, I don't know what mistakes I made that my ex was really affected by, but I do know of mistakes that I made that I think she would have been affected by. And she made far worse mistakes than me, but I always forgave her and let her know. Nice guys do finish last I guess! We get punished for everything! Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 The best power you will get right now is from stopping hanging out in breakup and coping, start hanging out in dating, and stopping contact with her full stop. You need to start healing basicly, or you will NEVER get her back! Healing involves letting go, its hard and it comes in waves, but its worth it. I feel like a new man. Or rather an old me but better!! You need to be unavailable, she knows you want her Its her move. Dont answer any emails or txt messages. Its taken me months to come to terms that 'its time to stop 'cos this aint getting me no where, or doing me any favours' The BEST chance you have at getting her back AFTER you have tried to reconcile, as you and I both have , Is by growing into a strong Bear again. get me? When your in NC you CANT make any mistakes, like spilling your guts to her. And after a while you will see that you need more NC just to get your old self back again and you wont want to spill your guts out anymore, you want hold your cards close, which will give you power...trust me. Right now your ex probably wants to avoid you as she knows EXACTLY where you stand. You need a barrier and some emotional fences in place. Link to post Share on other sites
wanjirum Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Hi, We are actually in the same situation (look at my thread to break NC or when is it ok to break NC) .... well all the same trust me NC is essential to help you work on you. It will help you realise and the other person realise that you can leave without them. They need to appreciate the role they play in your life. And when people want to walk out of your life let them walk. But hopefully in time they will realise they are making a big mistake. I know you want to maintain contact or wake up and hope everything will go back to normal over night but it won't. Reaching out to them only pushes them further away. NC will give you time to work on you and the newly transformed emancipated, you will also be very attractive. Trust me, join the gym (work out the stress) take up painting, poetry ... name it, pour out that energy into some creative vent. I went NC for 70 days + and it really helped. And after all the mistakes I made (yup the pathetic route, pleading, begging, profusely declaring my undying love ... all the things they warn you not to do, but you because you feel this is true love and it is worth fighting for) well he eventually contacted me. Even after he said he wanted nothing to do with me and he had actually deleted my number from what my friends told me. He put the effort got my number from a mutual friend and called me. Well perhaps it is too early to tell and I might not be an example where ex's reunite. But at least I am a ray of hope, that the ray of light at the end of the tunnel does exist and nope it is not a train heading your way. Be strong I can reassure you in 30+ NC she will be begging at your door . However this also depends on why you broke up to begin with, was it your fault. But this is all very subjective I really do believe in the break up of a relationship both parties carry equal blame for it to have gotten that far. Anyway whilst she is exploring the other greener side of the fence, work on you and you may realize that all that sparkles is not gold, she too has flaws and rough edges. Don't beat yourself to hard, she must have also played a role and only when you step back from the main frame of the picture you will stop concentrating solely on one perspective and look at the picture as an overhaul. Hope this helps. In my case, I am just confused, because yes he has broken first contact but what do I do now ???? What are you supposed to do after NC is broken???? I don't want to seem over eager or zealous :/. Be strong ... the space will also help you realize things about yourself and your relationship and what you would do different next time with her or with someone else. * * Link to post Share on other sites
moet70 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I am having dinner with my ex on Thursday night. He ended it, we only dated for 6 weeks, and have been friends for the past 6 months. We had one very small attempt at reconciliation at easter, and he initiated, but freaked again after a week. We just got back from a holiday together for a week...weird I know! and it was! He still maintains he doesn't want a relationship. SO Thursday night I am going to get all dressed up,look my absolute best... be utterley charming, not talk about " us" at alll.....but be friendly outgoing and funny and then...wrap things up early say I need an early night " it's been lovley catching up, see you soon" and then leave. AND THEN NO CONTACT... this is my strategy to take back my power, it will drive him nuts I know, I don't want him back, I want to move on...but leave it on a high note, not like before with me begging and asking " why can't we be together" This time....an air of indifference is what's in order. And it's all about me and what I feel and how it will make me feel. I just need to stick to the NC post dinner to make it all effective wish me luck Link to post Share on other sites
wanjirum Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Loves it sounds like a fab idea .... plus he has to miss you to appreciate you. It sounds like he is having a slice of cake and the whole cake at the same time mean while. But don't push him to far, perhaps there are reasons to why he is so apprehensive to commitment. Try and understand him to figure your way round it ... (divorced parents, bad previous relationship) .... find out why . Link to post Share on other sites
moet70 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Thanks ! I do understand him, he has extreme commitment phobia, 38 and never had a relationship longer than 6 months. He is a nice guy, always treats me with respect, just can't commit to anything. I need to move on , I have given it 6 months. I can't be friends either - too emotionally invovled and phyically attracted. I just need to end it on a high for me...so I can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Um...Moet 70 - thats good for you! But on the contrary, my ambition is to reconcile. I don't want to go out on a high, and even though I have to move on, I don't want to. Wanjirum - thanks for your reply. But as for NC for 30 days, that will be hard. I want to be friends with her at least! As for break-up reasons, there were a few; but none of them seemed to be the truth or genuine, and the biggest thing that I did, according to my ex, was play with my new pet too much which left her feeling unwanted. A few weeks before we broke up at the end of February she really upset me, and I guess I upset her, and I needed space from her. Out of all the time we were together (22/23 months), this was our first rough patch. I know my ex better than anyone, and she is an emotional creature who gets upset about pretty much anything negative... SB - thanks to you too dude. Everyone seems to be talking a lot of sense. As for the text below... The BEST chance you have at getting her back AFTER you have tried to reconcile, as you and I both have , Is by growing into a strong Bear again. get me? I pretty much told her everything in an email 3 weeks ago (that I wish we were talking, that I was sorry for all the things I know I did wrong, that we both made mistakes, that she is the girl of my dreams, why our love was so special, and why I was confused about us breaking up) BUT Ido not know if she read it. I need to know, coz its important. If she hasn't read it, she might not know how I feel about her coz I haven't phoned her in 3 months, or seen her in 3 months. I guess I just have to believe she read it And I don't know if I did enough to reconcile. Obviously, I tried my hardest when I last saw her and one could argue that after that, any attempt would have been futile. I wonder if she thinks I'm okay with everything, because I'm not. For the last 3 months, I've wanted to do something (contact her) everyday but just end up going to bed frustrated for wasting another precious day and not following my heart. What if you believe you didn't try hard enough? Link to post Share on other sites
moet70 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I broke up with an ex once because he treated me badly, I missed him so much and desperatly wanted him to chase me and beg me to come back... He did, but in a lame way...not a lot of effort...so I continued my NC. If he had of just tried a bit harder and put on a bit of a show to get me back... 3 months later, I met someone new...and the ex went all out to try to get me back...too late, he should have done that 3 months prior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Well...that made me feel a whole lot better! Link to post Share on other sites
moet70 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 so what I am trying to say is....GO ALL OUT....you havn't got anything to loose and you will prove to her that your serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Well to be honest...your words are encouraging. Thank you. I'm going to weigh all my options. There are a few things I want to do, but they involve time. One involves her hanging out with me; a request she won't give me at the moment for example. And I wish I had thought of this months ago. I still don't know if a bout of NC is the way forward or whether I just go for it and then do NC, if I fall flat on my face. Obviously, I'll be putting my heart on the line by going all out. Moet 70 - I broke up with an ex once because he treated me badly, I missed him so much and desperatly wanted him to chase me and beg me to come back If you don't mind me asking, what did your ex do to treat you badly? And was the break up hasty? When my ex broke up with me, we talked about it for around 4-5 hours in total. Looking back now, I pretty much said all I could have said back then. I couldn't have begged anymore. And yeah I could have pulled off some massive stunt afterwards but I was so damn hurt in those first 2-3 weeks I couldn't face her because I honestly thought my heart would explode. So really, that first month I didn't know what to do except pine. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 oh my god...I can see the minds of everyguy desperate for the ex back right now after reading this....... This could be dangerous to people, situation and ex depending of course. MOET70 you are going to have to share a little more info here with everyone. Please share more of what he did or did not do, what he did wrong to make you end it etc. If you are going to tell a story like that you need to elaborate more please, I dont want anyone hear to go and RUIN what could be working for them by pissing their ex off and DESTROYING any short term future reconciliation EDIT* Moet I retract my last statement, if you truly loved him and wanted him to try harder, I think you would have given him the opportunity to show you that he could do it. I dont know your situation with him well, so I could be wrong. Most ex's treat the dumper so bad (no offence) afterwards if they continue to beg a plead that the dumpee is scared to do anything in case it makes it worse!! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Um...Moet 70 - thats good for you! But on the contrary, my ambition is to reconcile. I stopped right there. As long as deep down your goal is to reconcile you will only cause the exact opposite to happen. You need to move on with your life as if he/she is never coming back. That way if they do, it's your choice to stay or go. And, if you meet someone new you'll never look back. But pining around and scheming for another chance? Pure relationship suicide. I broke up with an ex once because he treated me badly, I missed him so much and desperatly wanted him to chase me and beg me to come back... He did, but in a lame way...not a lot of effort...so I continued my NC. If he had of just tried a bit harder and put on a bit of a show to get me back... 3 months later, I met someone new...and the ex went all out to try to get me back...too late, he should have done that 3 months prior. And this is my point. Move on with your life. You'll meet someone new and not want the one who took you for granted back! Link to post Share on other sites
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Don't worry Soul Bear - I'm not walking the plank yet. And CaliGuy - for some strange reason, in the last half hour I have been feeling a lot better than I was this morning, and yesterday and almost every damn day coz it really hit home there isn't anything I can really do except move on. I think I'll stay away from LS for a while. Maybe. Probably not...hehe Most ex's treat the dumper so bad (no offence) afterwards if they continue to beg a plead that the dumpee is scared to do anything in case it makes it worse!! This is pretty much why I haven't gone to extraordinary efforts to date, because I've literally been panicking about everything I have done and haven't done IN CASE I did make it worse. And Moet's comment left me reeling for a few seconds wondering if I had done enough but then I quickly remembered I did a lot, and she just wouldn't bite. I'm looking forward to a response from Moet, just to clear a few things up. I don't think my ex wanted me to chase. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Absolutely.... If there was a foundation of mutual respect and attraction at one point, even long ago... Three things must happen: 1. He/she must see you in a "new light"--you look energized, free, successful, and happy, and you look better than ever 2. You must exhibit total emotional maturity--you are calm, centered, controlled actions (this does not mean stiff, it means not impulsive) and you think before you speak 3. You have rooted out those aspects of your personality that may have had something to do with the break down of your previous go around (i.e. whiney, negative, bad temper, clingy, etc). Once things start up again, err on the side of cool, of available and not available. Don't answer every email (or immediately), don't call or text constantly. And as has been said here before, aaaaaalways leave them wanting more... xo OE Link to post Share on other sites
sean22 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I broke up with an ex once because he treated me badly, I missed him so much and desperatly wanted him to chase me and beg me to come back... He did, but in a lame way...not a lot of effort...so I continued my NC. If he had of just tried a bit harder and put on a bit of a show to get me back... 3 months later, I met someone new...and the ex went all out to try to get me back...too late, he should have done that 3 months prior. I don't know if it's just me, but if my ex wanted me to chase them like that it would show that they truly don't care about me. Link to post Share on other sites
moet70 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 He would treat me bad...real bad, go missing for days on end, ignore me, put me down, forget my birthday, not acknowlege important things in my life, flirt with other girls........ and I would end it, he would grovel back, I would take him back, this was a cycle that went on for 12 months...the last couple of times I told him he had to think big to get me back...he would take me for lunch..big deal....but I would always take him back....then I had enough...I wanted to be treated better and i worked out he was not ever going to change and would repeat his bad behaviour...I wanted to see a permanent change and a massive effort from him to prove to me he really wanted the relationship...he didn't do anything....I ended it and stuck to my word, I would respond to his texts with " you don't love me you treat me like crap, forget it" ...he chased for a few months until he saw me get into the car with my new man. I know if I rang him now he would drop everythiing....but he hasn't changed and never will..he is not capable. Within a week he would be treating me like crap again...it was a game for him. Link to post Share on other sites
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