Charming your way to a second chance...

[drummerprince81]

Sean22 - I don't know if it's just me, but if my ex wanted me to chase them like that it would show that they truly don't care about me.

 

I share the same view - love isn't a game. But having just read Moet70's comment, it seems like she has a very fair point. And breathing a sigh of relief, I know I never treated my ex like her ex treated her. I'm an angel compared to that behaviour! So saying that, it makes sense for me not to chase because she needs time away from me. Although I found out last night that she is very possibly single, and probably has been for our time apart, and for me this made me sad because at least if THERE was someone else the 'grass is greener syndrome' might apply.

[moet70]

Can I ask, how long were you together for? what was the reason for break up?

[drummerprince81]

Sure - 22/23 months. Break up reasons that she didn't feel the same/she wasn't feeling happy (honeymoon period over/wanted everything to be like 'our first year again!!!), that things had got a big stagnant (she didn't tell me and I ALWAYS suggested doing things...), that she didn't want to be in a deep relationship (a bit late for that!) that she wasn't ready to commit (eg. buying a house - despite looking for houses all the time) and that she didn't see us getting married (despite her telling me only weeks before she couldn't go a day without me) etc. And only a week before, she told me how much she loved me, so it was completely out of the blue, although we were going through a rough patch. She was coming up to her 21st birthday, I am 27. I'm her first love, and she is mine...she kept saying she was confused and during the break-up she told me she loved me.

 

We met up a few days later and I seemed to win her back. She was confused again the next day and wanted to talk to me again. I was too heartbroken to face her again coz I wasn't ready for the bad news, and just had to take what she was going to say at face value (but now I regret not seeing her the day after coz I'd have a much more sensible view on things). I told her I'd give her space, which I did, and I haven't seen her since that week (just sporadic contact but no phone calls). We were perfect for each other in some many ways, and nobody could believe it. I mean, I still struggle to believe it. Thats why I believe, I can charm my way back in, but at the same time may be I need to allow her to come around.

[moet70]

and how much involvement did her mother have in the relationship?

[drummerprince81]

If I must be honest, quite a bit. She still lived at home, as do I. We were due to move out this year. She is the last sibling left in her house, and the only daughter her mum has. There were many occasions where her mum had a say in things, but I guess her mum wanted the best for her daughter. Her mum was fond of me too, or judging from my own experiences with her she was. Why do you ask?

 

I didn't really want to divulge this information but what the heck. Her mum seemed to be unhappy that we actually got back together (when we last met up). And I never found out why. I tried to - but my ex was being coy about it. The next day she broke up with me again...I treated my ex like a princess 99% of the time, so I can't imagine why she'd be unhappy that we worked things out.

[drummerprince81]

NC is so hard

 

I just really really really think its time we talked on the phone. I don't think I can wait anymore...but at the same time I KNOW I have to let her come to me. 3.5 months ago we were ****** best friends!!! Break-ups are so confusing, demoralising and cruel. I think I might have to call her guys. We had it so good. Such a bright future. I'm not bitter. I'm over the desperation. I'm almost over the heart break. All I feel is love and fear that she is gone forever. We need to be friends again. I need a calm head today so somebody give me strength?!? I don't want it to get to 4 months, and then 5 months and then even longer...

[CaliGuy]

NC is so hard

 

I just really really really think its time we talked on the phone. I don't think I can wait anymore...but at the same time I KNOW I have to let her come to me. 3.5 months ago we were ****** best friends!!! Break-ups are so confusing, demoralising and cruel. I think I might have to call her guys. We had it so good. Such a bright future. I'm not bitter. I'm over the desperation. I'm almost over the heart break. All I feel is love and fear that she is gone forever. We need to be friends again. I need a calm head today so somebody give me strength?!? I don't want it to get to 4 months, and then 5 months and then even longer...

 

NC *is* hard. It requires us to do the one thing we have a hard time doing.

 

Loving and respecting OURSELVES first.

 

If you don't love and respect yourself, NC is almost impossible. It's because you feed off the love and approval of others instead of finding it within yourself.

[9Lives]

Does anyone else have these crazy ideas of trying to charm your way into a second chance, or at least laying down some foundations from your side of the bridge for future reconcilation? Or do you really have to just wait until there is positive sign? Do you slowly re-build a friendship, on terms of when they contact you so that you don't do anything else to ruin any future opportunity or simply lay all your cards on the table and take the risk (the rewards for this I guess swing to the extreme both ways - it works, or it doesn't)?

 

My mind is fried today. I'm not dealing with my break-up at all, and its 3 months now. I love my ex with every bone in my body. My heart is telling me to do something and is refusing to let go, despite the situation. I mean, if you love someone with all your soul, shouldn't I be pulling out all the stops to win her back? I know most people on here are less positive when it comes to making extraordinary efforts, especially when ZERO effort is coming from the other end, but it usually is going to be ZERO effort coming from the other end.

 

I am working on reconcilation with my exbf and it is going ok right now. We are not back together but we are talking and he calls me to talk to me too. I had to change my relationship style. I am very patient and I dont call alot and I try to create positive moments for us. You will have to practice emotional self control in order for you to deal with this. It is hard. If she is dating, dont worry about it. If she love you once, she can love you again. You have to think about nature of your relationship with her, not the other person. YOU CAN GET HER TO WANT TO be around you and all but you have be patient..no demands,,,no emotional outburst...no being pushy...you have to be cool and skillful.

[9Lives]

NC is so hard

 

I just really really really think its time we talked on the phone. I don't think I can wait anymore...but at the same time I KNOW I have to let her come to me. 3.5 months ago we were ****** best friends!!! Break-ups are so confusing, demoralising and cruel. I think I might have to call her guys. We had it so good. Such a bright future. I'm not bitter. I'm over the desperation. I'm almost over the heart break. All I feel is love and fear that she is gone forever. We need to be friends again. I need a calm head today so somebody give me strength?!? I don't want it to get to 4 months, and then 5 months and then even longer...

 

i couldnt let go and im not. we are working on it

[BearPower]

DP DONT BREAK IT!!!

 

DONT CALL HER!!!

 

Look what happened to me, unless you just want more heartbreak? Which can be a good thing, or at least I like to look at it that way, as every time you get burned, you will be able to add on another plate to your armor, even if it will take time to put that armor on, it can only damage your future with that person, and not yourself

 

SoulBear

[CaliGuy]

There are a few circles of people out there who have basically turned getting your ex back into a science.

 

Human Psychology is not an exact science...so your statement is not entirely accurate.

 

If there was a "sure fire" way to win someone back who doesn't want you, that person would be a GAZILLIONAIRE.....

 

Fact it, it doesn't exist. Never has, never will. People are far too complex, fickle and complicated to make anything an "exact science..."

[drummerprince81]

Thanks guys - for all your support - those promoting NC and those not.

 

9Lives - the thing is, I'm in a delicate position. I don't know how to approach my ex. She has only contacted me once on her own accord in the last 3.25 months...this was last week. Obviously I replied, but there has been nothing since. How long were you and your ex seperated, and at first, was he willing to reconcile? The emotional self control I'm beginning to practice in my own mind. The skillful part is easy, I'm very creative which is why I posted this thread. The hard part is actually getting her to talk to me, or even meet me...any suggestions? I haven't called her once in the last 100 days and I don't think I can just call her up.

 

And CaliGuy - you are correct. There is no exact science. But even science has its limitations...

 

SB - why the new name?

[moet70]

DrummerPrince, I strongly believe her mother is the root of all evil here...she may like you, however sounds she has told her daughter she is too young for such a serious relationship.

 

I had dinner with my ex last night, it didn't go well. I didn't stick to my game plan.

 

I was of course looking fab! breezed in with a big smile, for the first two hours we ate dinner, shared a bottle of wine and just talked in general about work, life etc...very chatty and friendly.

 

I could tell just by looking at him ( his eyes) and his negative comments about everyone and anything he was in a "push the world away" zone in line with his commitment phobia, def feeling he needed space on all fronts.

 

so I kept it light, until he asked me how my recent date went, we got to the subject of me dating, him dating where we were both at, then I said "I am still confused about our recent holiday ( two weeks ago we went to a tropical island for a week and the week could only be described as a honeymoon ) and it will take me some time to get over it as it was weird. I understand you don't want a relationship and I am cool with that, I am torn between cutting contact or staying friends as I enjoy your company."

 

FATAL Mistake....conversation went on a down hill slide from there..."why do you keep bringing this up, I wish you would just meet someone else so that you can move on, I hate seeing you get upset"

 

I so didn't want to have that conversation and I am kicking myself, but at the same time I got to get a few things off my chest that were bugging me and I feel today I am at peace, like I have said everything I wanted to say and can let it go.

 

He did tell me the constant questioning and text messages bugged him. I have taken that on board.

 

I told him that "a true friend is someone who knows all about you and likes you anyway" and that I completely understand his fears, his commitment phobia etc and I am always there to talk about if he wants.

 

He dropped by my house on the way home and picked up his b'day present. Gave each other a hug and he left.

 

I feel at peace now, I feel I have his respect and that if I was to ever need him he would be there for me, but I realise I need to cut contact and move on. I can't do the friends thing.....right now, maybe later.

 

I also can't try to help him with his phobia - he knows I am here. I just said to him, I will always back you and support you and wouldn't it be great if in 5 years you said " she always backed me and supported me and I am now over my phobia and in a healthy relationship...with someone, not necessarily me.

 

well thanks for listening

[drummerprince81]

Moet70 - don't worry about the night not going how you intended. You had a gameplan, like I do, and they rarely go to plan, but it almost did. You almost charmed it! You did well. So what, that you brought up one bad sentence. It was probably brought on by the fact that your ex asked you about who you were dating. Just go NC now. I don't think he'll like that.

 

As for this - I strongly believe her mother is the root of all evil here...she may like you, however sounds she has told her daughter she is too young for such a serious relationship.

 

I believe that could be a small percentage of it but I know how much my ex loved me. 4 months ago I was her favourite person. I just know we need to be friends again. And I don't how to go about attaining that.