Touche Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 :cool:Well, he did make mistakes, and he told me that himself. Firstly getting someone pregnant when they were unmarried, then marrying someone he didn't love out of a feeling of obligation because she was pregnant, then staying in a relationship he didn't want to be in from the beginning, and then jumping into marriage a second time with a woman he didn't love, who he only married because she was acceptable and he was afraid of being alone. None of his kids were planned either, and he believes that each time his ex got pregnant on purpose in order to trap him in the relationship. He said he's glad his kids are around because he loves them, but his whole twenties were one big mistake and he wishes he could go back and do everything differently so none of it ever happened. So NONE of it ever happened? Including his kids? Wow....what a prince. Usually people will say something like that and add something like this: "The ONLY good thing that came out of that marriage were my kids." To answer your questions - no, his kids wouldn't be invited to his wedding, and apparently they weren't invited to his last wedding either. My family wouldn't be invited either because they live too far away. There wouldn't even BE a wedding as such - we would simply elope and have a private ceremony for two. And yes, I fully intend to never tell my family about my bf's past. I can't stand to lose them or have them look at me with shame. My grandmother is 90 and my parents are almost 70, so I won't have to keep the secret for too long anyway. My brother and sister would be okay with it I think, but I can't risk them telling anyone so I haven't told them yet. Ugh. ..................... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eeyore79 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 I am the first to admit that my parents can be judgemental and racist and discriminatory, but I can't help being related to them - they are what they are. My family wouldn't be a part of our marriage because they live too far away, we might only be able to visit them a couple of times a year, if that. His only family is his mother and kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I am the first to admit that my parents can be judgemental and racist and discriminatory, but I can't help being related to them - they are what they are. My family wouldn't be a part of our marriage because they live too far away, we might only be able to visit them a couple of times a year, if that. His only family is his mother and kids. Then you shouldn't care what they think of your man. Your loyalty should lie with him not them. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I am the first to admit that my parents can be judgemental and racist and discriminatory, but I can't help being related to them - they are what they are. My family wouldn't be a part of our marriage because they live too far away, we might only be able to visit them a couple of times a year, if that. His only family is his mother and kids. Yes, they are, but you don't have to be like them. And how you can separate family from your marriage is incomprehensible. Lies have a terrible way of coming back to bite one in the a$$. If you have to marry under a cloud, why marry? Why even consider it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eeyore79 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Then you shouldn't care what they think of your man. Your loyalty should lie with him not them. I don't see the point of breaking their hearts when I hardly ever see them anyway. Regardless of what they're like, I love them and don't want to make them feel ashamed of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eeyore79 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Share Posted June 9, 2009 Yes, they are, but you don't have to be like them. And how you can separate family from your marriage is incomprehensible. Lies have a terrible way of coming back to bite one in the a$$. If you have to marry under a cloud, why marry? Why even consider it? I can separate marriage from family because I hardly ever see my family, maybe only once a year. And I'm prepared to "marry under a cloud" as you put it because it's the only way for me to marry this man who I love without causing severe upset within my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I can separate marriage from family because I hardly ever see my family, maybe only once a year. And I'm prepared to "marry under a cloud" as you put it because it's the only way for me to marry this man who I love without causing severe upset within my family. Ok, I get it. Then go for it. I couldn't do it. I'd have to be true to myself and loyal to my H at the expense of family. There are some big issues here. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Ok, I get it. Then go for it. I couldn't do it. I'd have to be true to myself and loyal to my H at the expense of family. There are some big issues here. Well, Touche, I'm glad YOU get it, 'cause I sure don't. I think the whole situation is absurd. Sounds like something from a daytime soap opera... Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I can separate marriage from family because I hardly ever see my family, maybe only once a year. And I'm prepared to "marry under a cloud" as you put it because it's the only way for me to marry this man who I love without causing severe upset within my family. To paraphrase from the 80's - gag me! So, start a marriage based on lies...I see wonderful things in your future - not! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Well, Touche, I'm glad YOU get it, 'cause I sure don't. I think the whole situation is absurd. Sounds like something from a daytime soap opera... Well I don't really "get it" but I was just trying to say that I get where she's coming from. To paraphrase from the 80's - gag me! So, start a marriage based on lies...I see wonderful things in your future - not! I completely agree. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 My grandmother is 90 and my parents are almost 70, so I won't have to keep the secret for too long anyway. What a lovely, caring, considerate daughter/grand daughter you are! Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I have to agree with the majority, here: You should not marry this man. The simple truth is, you don't love him the way you think you love him...and what love you do have for him, is not healthy. You sit in judgment of him without sympathy or understanding, you place yourself in competition with his children, whom you refer to as 'mistakes' and insist that he should feel ashamed of and hide from your family...your being concerned about clearly defining and delineating your marital assets was (somewhat) understandable, although it was appalling that you seemed to want to freeze his children out of everything. But nothing else that you write is understandable, and nothing about it is okay. He's not off the hook here, either...he's making concessions to you that no sane man should make. He sounds severely codependent and his judgment is suspect at best in getting seriously involved with you in the first place, to be honest. I get that your family is racist and intolerant, but that you would rather be duplicitous with them than lose them entirely. It would be a hard call for me to make in that situation, except for where the kids are involved. I would never ask my partner to pretend his daughter didn't exist...it's a really terrible thing that you are asking of him. What you don't get is that you seem to have absorbed more of their intolerance and rigidity than you think, and made it your own. The way you talk about this man you claim to love is depressing. I am both a mother and a stepmother. I can tell you from experience that both are hard in different ways, which I can expand on, if you like. It's hard for me, and I LOVE my stepdaughter, care about her feelings, value her relationship as sister to my son. How much harder will it be for you, who seem to have little positive feeling for his children? As previous posters have said, while they may not be around 50% of the time the way my own stepchild is, they are not going to disappear, and yes, it is entirely possible that their father might want to help them out financially at some point over the course of the rest of their lives. If you do decide to go through with this marriage, please go see a lawyer to put your mind at east about your finances, whether your fiance will go with you or not. You are perfectly within your rights to want to protect your own assets. BUT I would strongly urge you to also seek counseling, both premarital counseling with the two of you, and individual counseling. You definitely have issues, although you seem not to be too aware of it yet. People...help me out here...this seems over the top. Are we sure this is even for real? Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 What a prince! OP - I hope you do not expect your own future children to be treated as anything but an "oops" and "in the past" if you were to get married and have children with this man. If he does it to THEM he will do it to YOU. You have been warned that this is a man who will treat his children as less than his pride and joy. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 People...help me out here...this seems over the top. Are we sure this is even for real? You know, Stung, I wondered the same thing - is this a troll? I can't imagine someone would actually believe the things the OP believes & could stand so firmly entrenched in denial. As I said to her, I don't think she actually came here for advice - I think she came here to stir things up. Just my very humble opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 What a horrid post. *sad* So this OP who is 30, who got an inheritance from her racist, ignorant daddy wants her boyfriend to forget about his kids and trust that she won't in the future turn on him the way his first wife did? So he got a girl pregnant -- are you two sleeping together? What happens if you get pregnant? Would you describe it as a mistake and think so lowly of yourself for having SEX unmarried and getting pregnant? It happens - you have sex, you run the risk of pregnancy each time. You have helped him feel like an inferior father and human. You worry so much that his FIRST kids will dare to interfere with your future with him. What would happen if one of the kids wants to live with dad? What happens if their mom is killed and they HAD to come live with dad? Because you don't have kids, you obviously don't get that KIDS ARE FOR LIFE. Just because they get older doesn't mean they go away. Heck, look at yourself -- still needing daddy's hard earned money, still wanting daddy's approval. I am just heart sick for those kids. Please do not marry this man. He deserves better. He deserves someone who opens their home, heart and mind to the fact that he dared to have a past and to have children (not baggage - children) from a past marriage. You are 30 and have never been married? Hmm.... I don't know many 30 year olds who haven't been married or who aren't engaged. You do not love him. You enjoy him and like hanging out with him. But you don't love him. Love isn't judgemental. Love isn't selfish. Love is accepting. I am a stepmom to two kids. I am so glad I wasn't ashamed of my husband and introduced him and his kids to my parents. My parents adore him and like that they got 2 extra grandkids. Take your money and go find yourself someone who seems to have the same shallow qualities. Kids are forever and if you do marry him and have kids; that doesn't mean that YOUR kids are more special. Just means he has more kids. HE seems to have a heart open enough to have kids with someone who COULD potentially leave him down the road. He is willing to take a risk, although I can't figure out why. To be ashamed of his past, to continue to call it "mistakes", to call these kids baggage and to hope they go away and never come searching for YOUR money ------- Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 You are 30 and have never been married? Hmm.... I don't know many 30 year olds who haven't been married or who aren't engaged. Please note I am not defending the OP or supporting them in any way. However I am offended by the implication that anyone who's not married or engaged by the age of 30 has something wrong with them. I'm 30 and I'm not married or engaged, and I'm perfectly fine, thank you very much! I spent my 20s getting an education and travelling the world, and I didn't even feel like settling down till I was 30, although I have been proposed to before and said no. I also know numerous other people who have reached the age of 30 and are still unmarried, although in general they tend to be intelligent people who spent their 20s in higher education. Statistically speaking, people with more education marry later, so perhaps the fact that you don't know any unmarried 30 year olds says a lot about the sort of company you keep. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 You are 30 and have never been married? Hmm.... I don't know many 30 year olds who haven't been married or who aren't engaged. Hmmmm I know a lot of 30 single men and women here. They are happy and not looking to get married anytime soon. I don't see anything wrong in them choosing to be single. Is it still frown upon for those in their late 20s or 30ish to be single now? I sure hope not! Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Saying he isn't good at marriage isn't fair. It takes 2 people to get married and 2 people to get divorced. Do you understand his reasons for being so adamant about getting married? I think the #1 issue here is that you have doubts. When in doubt, don't. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Please note I am not defending the OP or supporting them in any way. However I am offended by the implication that anyone who's not married or engaged by the age of 30 has something wrong with them. I'm 30 and I'm not married or engaged, and I'm perfectly fine, thank you very much! I spent my 20s getting an education and travelling the world, and I didn't even feel like settling down till I was 30, although I have been proposed to before and said no. I also know numerous other people who have reached the age of 30 and are still unmarried, although in general they tend to be intelligent people who spent their 20s in higher education. Statistically speaking, people with more education marry later, so perhaps the fact that you don't know any unmarried 30 year olds says a lot about the sort of company you keep. I am sorry - I actually meant to say "been engaged at one time, married or currently engaged". I actually don't know a single 30 year old who hasn't been. I meant no offense I actually think more and more people shouldn't get married until they are 30+ because of maturity levels. Sorry Thornton. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 It's ok I guess it's a touchy subject because my parents and grandparents nag me about the exact same thing. Sorry for having a dig at you. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 24, 2009 Share Posted June 24, 2009 Anybody else notice that the OP hasn't been back in a while? Goes toward the troll theory for me;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eeyore79 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 I never came back because nobody was actually being helpful, everyone was just having a go at me. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I never came back because nobody was actually being helpful, everyone was just having a go at me. Perhaps that is being more helpful than you realized. Your thinking on this subject appears to be cloudy and twisted, you seem to need other perspectives to help you see clearly. Sometimes coming to such realizations isn't all that pleasant. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 And, of course, there seemed to be no "right" response to advising on your situation. For every time someone tried to be helpful & point out something, you either had a smart-a$$ answer or an argument. Just sayin' Link to post Share on other sites
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