Marrying a divorced man

[Eeyore79]

Since I am 30 and not bringing any baggage to a relationship (no ex-spouses or kids, no debt, etc) it doesn't seem unreasonable to expect the same from a partner my age. Admittedly my bf isn't my age, he's 37, and when I first met him I didn't want to date him because of his baggage - but he talked me into it, and he's a really great guy so I agreed to try dating and see how it went. It went really well, we fell in love and moved in together, but now he's proposed marriage so I really need to evaluate my feelings about being with him long term. In the past 18 months I've grown to love him a great deal, he's become my best friend, but I don't like his past any more now that I did when I first refused to date him.

 

We've had conversations about his kids many times, and he said he wants to marry and have more kids because he's never really had a family and watched his kids grow up in his own home. The kids from his previous relationship live with their mom and stepdad in a city 150 miles away and he only sees them once every 2-3 weeks. In 18 months they've only stayed at our house 3-4 times, and their mom wouldn't even let them visit at Xmas, we didn't even get to give them gifts until January. My bf says when they go off to college he might only see them a few times a year, and he wants to marry and have a family with me because really I'm all he's got.

 

On several occasions I've said I love him but I'm unsure about our future because I find his baggage difficult to handle, and his answer is always the same: He says he doesn't get to see his kids much and they'll soon be adults and will be going off to college, probably hundreds of miles away. He has very little to do with his ex-wives and as far as he knows he has no financial obligations beyond child support, which he won't be paying for much longer. He wants to marry and have a family and a home and a wife, because at present all he has is one afternoon every two weeks with his kids, and soon he won't even have that. So basically what he's saying is "Please don't break up with me, I don't really have so much baggage as you think". But I'm not sure I believe him, and I'm giving the issue even deeper thought now he's proposed marriage.

 

As I said before, I like his kids, but they're not my financial responsibility and I certainly don't want his exes to be able to access my money somehow, particularly because I earn more than him and I also inherited a large sum of money a few years ago. I would be fully prepared to share everything I have with him, but not with his kids and exes, and unfortunately the only way to prevent them having any claim on my assets is to maintain financial independence. If the worst happened and I had to support him then that would be fine, but I will not also support his kids and exes.

[Gunny376]

As a rule of Common English Law, (which applies in all states with the exception ~ theirs is based upon the Napoleonic Code) whatever either of the two parties had/owned before marriage will belong to them as an individual during and after the marriage dissolve.

 

The yea but wouldn't be your inheritance, nor even your salary, in so you maintained separate accounts. That is to say he has his account for his income, you have yours, and you maintain a separate joint account. (You should set it up this way anyway, as it will personally offer you some measure of protection should he be sued by a third party for say a car accident.)

 

That way you clearly prove that you assets were and have always been in and under your personal control, ditto for him, and that any and all money contributed to the joint household account is for that and that alone ~ the maintenance of the household.

 

If the X was going to come after him for back child support they would long ago have done so since the children are now in there teens. But if you want to be on the safe side you need to but stop by the county court house on your lunch hour, and check with the clerk of the court. Its a matter of public record, unless the case was sealed, (99% of the time because of adoption by a third party)

 

You said you had concerns about the X or X's coming after yours and his pension. Again this would be possible only if you held joint accounts, (shared IRA, Roth IRA, stocks, bonds, annuity funds, and other jointly held accounts.) The couldn't come after your 401K, and I doubt that given the length of time since the divorces? They they would have a legal standing on his.

 

The only real concern I see down the road is his children being awarded an inheritance from his assets. Again the key here is shared joint accounts and property. In so long as you keep your accounts, personal property, monies separate from his and joint ownership ~ they would not have a claim to any of the fruits of your hard labor.

 

The one exception would be jointly owned property ~ a house for example. You could have a will drawn up that you could live in the house until you die, re-marry, or move. Then you would have to give them their share out of his share or half as you were. They could not force you to move, sell, etc.

 

Of course you could set it up to where you make the house payment in full, and he wavers in writing any right to the property ~ and so then they would only be entitled to what he wanted to leave them.

 

So the key is to keep what's yours ~ yours and seperate from what his!

 

I won't ever get married again, with a PN and PMC.

 

This is 2009 ~ not 1909!

[Gunny376]

Bingo!

 

 

That's right!

[SoulSearch_CO]

I don't understand why you haven't gone to a lawyer. If he doesn't want to get involved, then he doesn't have to. Divorce decrees are pretty much public record - an attorney could pull those. If they didn't request anything monetarily in the decree, they have forfeited all rights in the future. And besides - when it comes to requesting a share of assets, it's only what was earned during the dissolved marriage. Meaning that for the time that he was married to his first or second wife, any money he put into a savings account, checking account, IRA, 401K, retirement savings, WHATEVER - that is all that she could lay claim to half of. But generally that kind of thing has to be requested during the dissolution, or you forfeit it forever.

 

When I got my divorce, they asked me if I wanted to request alimony. I told them I didn't want it. They seriously were trying to talk me into it. I was told that if I didn't request it before the divorce was final (this was the judge telling me), then I forfeited my rights to it - FOREVER. I can't speak for the laws in your state (hence the advice again and again in this thread to get an attorney), but I imagine this would be pretty standard. The point of alimony is to bridge the gap in loss of income that a woman would have by the marriage dissolving. And it's only available for a length of time after the divorce equal to the length of marriage. He was married to his second for a year, so she would have gotten alimony for a year. There would have to be some pretty dang exigent circumstances for her to claim in court for a judge to grant her alimony this late in the game. And if your BF WERE to get on the hook for alimony at this point, I'd have to say he had a pretty crappy attorney fighting that battle.

 

As for your kids vs his kids - no, they could lay no claim to YOUR money. But I hardly think it's fair that you think that any/all money he makes while you two are together should ONLY go to YOUR kids. It would be his choice what to do with HIS money. Do you not trust him to make a decision that is good for all involved? If not, I'd say it's a trust issue.

 

If you're so worried about your money vs his, then maybe go into the marriage, but keep your money separate. Separate accounts with no access to each other's accounts. Make a detailed list of assets you're bringing into the marriage (i.e., vehicles, furniture, etc) and put it into a prenup.

 

But first and foremost, as has been said several times - just go get a dang attorney.

[Eeyore79]

Are those divorces final? If yes, his ex-wife won't get a dime from YOU.

 

Well that is what I want a lawyer to establish. In particular I want to know if they would ever be able to claim any of our joint assets, of which there are bound to be some. I also want to know whether he will have any financial obligation at all to them - even if they can't get money from ME, they might be able to get money from HIM, which will affect US.

 

I also have concerns about how much his kids will cost over the years, and perhaps this is one of the most pressing issues. I already told him that I'm still young and I want to have kids of my own, buy a house, send them to school, take them on holiday, and it concerns me how well we could afford to do that if his other kids cost a lot - this was the main reason why I initially refused to marry him. I thought I would be better off with a man who didn't direct financial resources away from our family, and he would be better off with a woman who didn't want more kids. But he begged me to reconsider, saying he loves me and he wants more kids, and the ones he already has are almost fully grown, after which his financial support will be minimal. I'm not sure if I believe that.

[Eeyore79]

When I think about it, it seems like our whole relationship has been me saying he's not the sort of man I want, and him trying to convince me otherwise. For example:

 

ME: You've been married twice and said you wouldn't do it again, and I eventually want to marry, our relationship won't work

HIM: I changed my mind when I got to know you, I'd like to marry you

 

ME: I want kids and you already have some, our relationship won't work

HIM: I want more kids with you because I never saw mine grow up in my own home, I only see them one afternoon every two weeks

 

ME: Your financial commitments mean you can't afford to have a family with me, our relationship won't work

HIM: I pay nothing to my exes, child support will stop in a couple of years and my financial support of my kids will be minimal

 

ME: I plan to live in Europe when I'm older, our relationship won't work

HIM: I'd be prepared to move there with you, once my kids go to college I have no reason to stay here

 

... and so on.

 

I know that his last two relationships ended for similar reasons - he chose young well educated professional women with no kids, the type who usually want certain things in a man, and they had issues with his kids and ex-wives and subsequently broke up with him. I once pointed out that if he chose a different type of woman he might have more success, and he said yeah but he can't help the sort of women he finds attractive.

 

He said he should have been the type of guy that type of woman wants, only his first wife got pregnant at a very young age and trapped him into marriage, and since then he has no chance with the sort of women he finds attractive - young professional women with no kids or ex-spouses, who usually want a handsome professional husband with no kids or ex-spouses. He said he manages to get that sort of woman because he's intelligent and handsome, but he can never keep them because of his past, and he's worried that our relationship will go the same way.

 

I love him, but I have to admit that I can see why his past is off-putting to the type of women he typically pursues. His second wife was exactly the type of young professional woman he was looking for, hence why he married her so quickly - but she didn't want him either, she only married him for a green card and dumped him as soon as she got it. He bemoans the fact that he ruined his life and subsequently he can't hold onto the type of women he wants to date. Then there's me: I love him dearly, but I find his past as off-putting as his recent exes did.

[Thornton]

Gosh, I really do feel sorry for this guy. He got his gf pregnant at a young age, so he did the right thing and married her, but it didn't work out and now the women he likes won't touch him with a ten foot pole. The worst part must be that it's not because of his looks, or personality, or job etc, it's because of his past mistakes, so I guess he probably blames himself.

 

OP, if you break up with him you'll just grind him further into the dirt. You say you love him, so why not be the one person who's forgiving and understanding about his past, and just marry him?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Well, it sounds to me like you already know your answer and what you want to do. So just do it already. I think everything you brought up can be easily moved past. It's unfortunate that he's being judged so harshly. My XH had a worse relationship past than your guy and he seems to keep roping in women. Your BF's is not that bad. I feel for him. Since you're looking for any and every excuse to get out, just do it now. Before his feelings get any deeper and he gets any more invested than he already is.

[Chocolat]

If the worst happened and I had to support him then that would be fine, but I will not also support his kids and exes.

 

Don't marry him.

 

His kids are a part of him and you are unwilling to accept that. If "the worst" happened and you had to support him, what would you do if one of his childen -- the half-sibling to the children you intend to have with this man -- needed help? Would you turn your back?

 

Support comes in many forms, as dos love, and you appear to have an extremely narrow view of both.

[Chocolat]

Gosh, I really do feel sorry for this guy. He got his gf pregnant at a young age, so he did the right thing and married her, but it didn't work out and now the women he likes won't touch him with a ten foot pole. The worst part must be that it's not because of his looks, or personality, or job etc, it's because of his past mistakes, so I guess he probably blames himself.

 

OP, if you break up with him you'll just grind him further into the dirt. You say you love him, so why not be the one person who's forgiving and understanding about his past, and just marry him?

 

I agree with your first paragraph but actually hope the OP chooses not to marry this man. He needs help in selecting suitable partners. I don't think the OP is a good choice for him.

[Thornton]

Hmm, I kinda dunno what to advise here. The OP says she loves her bf, she just has difficulty accepting his past, and it sounds like he loves her too. The last thing he needs is another rejection, and afterwards he would probably go on to choose another unsuitable woman and get rejected again. At least the OP is thinking about things sensibly before agreeing to marriage, unlike his last ex-wife who sounds like she just took advantage of him for a passport.

 

OP, I think you're right to consider all aspects of this before you commit to marriage, it isn't an easy situation. First you need to see a lawyer and find out the extent of his financial commitments; this will help you to make an informed decision. It is possible (and probably sensible for any couple) to maintain separate finances and write wills regarding assets. Kids grow up and move away; I only see my Dad a few times a year, and I call him a couple of times a week... if he was alone I'd want him to find happiness with someone. Besides, it doesn't sound like your bf has a lot of contact with his kids to begin with... once a fortnight is nothing... some men spend more time than that in a bar!

 

Ultimately, what I think you will find out is that your bf has at least some financial commitments, and his kids are going to be around sometimes but not all the time. It's then up to you to decide whether you love him enough to marry him given those circumstances. If you love him, you'll find it in your heart to accept him even though he isn't perfect. If you end the relationship and find someone else, they won't be perfect either, they'll just come with a different set of problems... all relationships are ultimately about acceptance.

 

Here's one more thing for you to think about: to those kids, your bf is their father. Yet they're prepared to share him with you, they're accepting you into their family as their father's partner, and (I hope) they're not acting all jealous because you spend more time with him than they do. If you have a baby with him, they'll have to share their father, and that baby will get to live with their father which is something they haven't had themselves. You're getting all possessive over your bf and not accepting his kids, while his kids are accepting you and are prepared to share their father with you. You need to examine your behaviour and consider why these kids are actually being more decent about the situation than you are.

[Touche]

I would also strongly advise against marrying this man.

 

I found it odd that you said you've told him you love him a few times in nearly 2 years. Strange.

 

You know what? I was 33 when I met my H. He was 39. I vowed I would NEVER marry a man with children. Too much crap to deal with with the ex, etc. etc.

 

Well guess what? He had a child and an ex and some debt. Me? No children, no debt, zero baggage really.

 

But I fell for him hard. I ended up accepting him and everything that came with it. Yes, at first it was hard. Really hard. But i have ZERO regrets. Our 14th anniversary is coming up. Everything worked out very well for us.

 

But you don't sound equipped to handle the challenges that might come up. Actually sounds like you'd have even LESS to deal with than I did as the kids are nearly grown. My stepson was only 7 when I met my H. And he lived with us every other week for a week at a time. It was very hard at times.

 

It doesn't sound like you have to even deal with the ex or his kids much yet you're whining about it.

 

Don't marry him. Because God forbid he wants to do something for his kids, you'll end up resenting him.

 

No offense but you sound like a selfish and cold woman. You seem more worried about your money than anything else. What's odd is that it sounds like you have a lot of it. That's YOUR money. But if he should want to spend money on his kids, that's not HIS money...all of a sudden that's OUR money. Have I got it right?

 

The old what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours?

 

Selfish.

 

Be alone with your money. You're better that way. Or marry someone equally as cold and materialistic who has no baggage. That's my best advice to you.

[Eeyore79]

On several occasions I've said I love him but I'm unsure about our future because I find his baggage difficult to handle

 

I've said "I love you" on many occasions, but only on a few occasions have I said "I love you but I'm unsure about our future".

[whichwayisup]

His ex's can't take "your" money. Do a pre-nup if you choose to be with him and talk to a lawyer to know more information.

 

But in all honesty, it sounds like this guy has too much baggage for you to deal with, even if you do love him, it may not work out.

[Touche]

I've said "I love you" on many occasions, but only on a few occasions have I said "I love you but I'm unsure about our future".

 

Ahhhh, got it.

 

But the rest of my post still stands.

[Eeyore79]

You seem more worried about your money than anything else. What's odd is that it sounds like you have a lot of it. That's YOUR money. But if he should want to spend money on his kids, that's not HIS money...all of a sudden that's OUR money. Have I got it right?

 

The old what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours?

 

 

What's mine is ours, but unfortunately as soon as I legally make it "ours" other people could have a claim on it through him. Therefore it has to be unofficially "ours", and officially it has to be "mine" in order to protect it. Not to protect it from him, but to protect it from other people. Seeing as what's mine is ours, what's his is ours too... the difference is there are no people in my past from whom "our" assets need to be protected. If he wants to spend money on his kids, that's up to him... as long as it's his personal money. He can't expect me to contribute half of the money he spends on them, because they're not my responsibility.

[Touche]

What's mine is ours, but unfortunately as soon as I legally make it "ours" other people could have a claim on it through him. Therefore it has to be unofficially "ours", and officially it has to be "mine" in order to protect it. Not to protect it from him, but to protect it from other people. Seeing as what's mine is ours, what's his is ours too... the difference is there are no people in my past from whom "our" assets need to be protected. If he wants to spend money on his kids, that's up to him... as long as it's his personal money. He can't expect me to contribute half of the money he spends on them, because they're not my responsibility.

 

I get it. I do. Then what's the big deal about keeping your assets in your name only if that would make you feel better?

 

I think you're looking for reasons to not marry him because this is really a simple solution here.

 

Anyway, have you talked to him? Has he ever expected you to contribute to his kids? I'm really not seeing the issue here.

 

Honestly, I think this has wayyyy more to do with money than you're letting on.

 

Why can't you have your money in your own account and then when/if you marry you can agree what money he puts in his account and what goes into joint accounts? Then you agree about what the joint account gets used for. If he needs money for his kids then that can come out of his account that's in his name only.

 

What's the REAL issue here?

 

Why did you move in with him, if you never really wanted to marry a man with kids of his own?

 

Personally, again, I don't think he's it for you. If he were, there'd be NO QUESTION about any of this. You wouldn't be able to even CONSIDER moving on over this issue, and finding someone else. It tells me that he's really not "the one" for you.

 

I mean once I fell madly in love with my man, all my "rules" about no kids, no exes, etc. went flying out the window. I knew, no matter what, that I'd do everything in my power to make it work. And I did. And it did work.

 

I can't imagine, at the time, contemplating leaving him because he didn't fit some pre-conceived "mold" of who I wanted to marry.

 

So for you, I'd advise cutting him loose. Because the very first time he has a financial obligation you don't agree with, you'll be out of there most likely, anyway. Why not just do it now?

 

I still think there's more to this than the money though.

[Touche]

Let me ask you something...have you told him that you want your money in your name only? What does he say? If you already said and I missed that sorry.

 

Are you afraid that he's marrying you for your money?

 

I don't know. Something about this is nagging at me. I think you're not telling the REAL reason why this is bothering you.

[carhill]

Personally, having experienced some of this, from the male perspective, I'm sensing a female power and control competition thing going on, with the man being the pawn in the game.

 

When one chooses to love and commit, one gives of themselves, completely. If you're not ready for that, OP, do not marry this man. You will risk your emotions, your spirit, your money, yourself. That's part of the deal. Think it through....

[Touche]

Personally, having experienced some of this, from the male perspective, I'm sensing a female power and control competition thing going on, with the man being the pawn in the game.

 

When one chooses to love and commit, one gives of themselves, completely. If you're not ready for that, OP, do not marry this man. You will risk your emotions, your spirit, your money, yourself. That's part of the deal. Think it through....

 

I don't get it though...Competition? Where's the competition? Between the ex and the kids and her? Hmmm...maybe you're right. I mean I know that I had some jealousy. This really isn't for everyone. I've always said that. But in the OP's case the kids are almost adults who will be on their own. And with that, the contact with the ex, should be minimal.

 

But if she can't even handle minimal contact, forget it.

 

I do see what you're saying though. I think OP wants someone who didn't have a "life" before her. Same thing I wanted! You know what the chances are of finding that at your age? Unless you like younger men...but then they probably won't be ready for the whole marriage/family thing for awhile.

 

OP, you sound a tad spoiled. Im sorry but no one gets 100% what they want in life. No one. You can take your chances in trying to find that, but I suspect you'll end up alone.

 

So if you REALLY love this man, make it work with HIM. Make some compromises. Work it out with him so that you're BOTH satisfied.

[Lyssa]

OP, you sound a tad spoiled. Im sorry but no one gets 100% what they want in life. No one. You can take your chances in trying to find that, but I suspect you'll end up alone.

 

So if you REALLY love this man, make it work with HIM. Make some compromises. Work it out with him so that you're BOTH satisfied.

 

x2. You said it, Touche.

[Chocolat]

When one chooses to love and commit, one gives of themselves, completely. If you're not ready for that, OP, do not marry this man. You will risk your emotions, your spirit, your money, yourself. That's part of the deal. Think it through....

 

Exactly.

 

You can hire a lawyer, draw up a prenup, etc, etc., but you cannot protect yourself completely, especially in the ways that really matter (which are unrelated to money, imo).

 

Marriage is a leap of faith. It's impossible to predict what the years will bring but there is a good reason the vows say "for better or for worse."

[carhill]

As an older man, I know that children are for life. The OP will be dealing with his children, his exes, the grandchildren and great grandchildren (if they live that long) throughout their married lives. It's normal. There is no "cut-off" date. She has to be of the psychology of the family unit, which includes the exes and all the emotional and fiscal complications which come of that. If she's not, decline the engagement proposal. Simple

[Touche]

As an older man, I know that children are for life. The OP will be dealing with his children, his exes, the grandchildren and great grandchildren (if they live that long) throughout their married lives. It's normal. There is no "cut-off" date. She has to be of the psychology of the family unit, which includes the exes and all the emotional and fiscal complications which come of that. If she's not, decline the engagement proposal. Simple

 

That is absolutely right! I bet it would shock the OP to know that we had my H's ex-wife and her b/f, my stepson and his g/f over for Christmas this past year.

 

I'm "stuck" with the ex-wife and my lovely stepson for life. That's the reality.

 

(Oh and...please stop describing yourself as an "older man" carhill. You're making me feel old. I think you're only a couple of years older than I am..if that.)

[Lyssa]

OP, I know you don't have baggage and your BF does so I don't think you can actually put yourself in his shoes to see what it's like to have kids - maybe you can but you can never fully understand the relationship between a parent and children until you have some of your own.

 

His children will always be a part of your relationship with him - it's part of the package. You have to accept that and if you can't, you might as well just end it. Let him find someone that can accept his baggage as her own.