I am sick about this...

[prttymarie]

Hello,

I am so sick and ashamed of myself that I had to find somewhere to talk about it. I am a married mother of 3. my husband and I have been together for over 10yrs. This last weekend he went out with some friends visiting from out of town, so I went out with this single girl from my work (we co-manage a team together). Well I drank and drank and drank and don't remember much. I do know that I went with this girl from my work and a guy she met and pretty much had a threesome My stomache turns just typing it. I remember getting sick as we were doing things and then afterwards I could barely keep from vomitting. I love my husband and family to DEATH. I never go out with single people and always have married people whom I trust that I go out with. So I am so mad at myself that this happended! its SO out of my character!!! I almost feel like they know how messed up I was and used that to their advantage to, They knew what they were doing and I really did not I can't bear the thought of telling my husband and deystroying my marriage Please help me! I need advice. I dont need people yelling at me and telling me what a horrible person I am cause I am already at that point.

 

Thank you.

[2sure]

This is awful , I feel for you. To be honest, it sounds more like an alcohol problem than an infidelity problem. But your H probably wont see it that way.

[Snowflower]

Wow. I can understand how badly you feel about this-it comes through in your post here.

 

Do you drink/party a lot? Or was this a rare event? Alcohol makes people do things that they normally wouldn't otherwise even think of doing. I don't agree that it makes people do things that they WANT to do necessarily...but alcohol doesn't always make you consider the consequences of your actions.

[Owl]

This is awful , I feel for you. To be honest, it sounds more like an alcohol problem than an infidelity problem. But your H probably wont see it that way.

 

This is right on the money.

 

Clearly you need to avoid drinking, and avoid putting yourself in a situation where you let the drink make the choices for you...that was your first mistake obviously.

 

Second...you need to get rid of this single "friend" who obviously has no respect for you or your marriage.

 

Third...given how "sick" you feel about this whole thing...can you truly see a way to deal with all of this WITHOUT coming clean to your H about what happened?

[seibert253]

I don't think you're a horrible person. We are all human and subject to mistakes and sometimes we make bad choices. The question of character doesn't ly in not making bad choices or decisions, it's what we do to recognize them and correct them.

 

You did something stupid, and you've recognized that. That's half the battle. Now, what are you going to do to correct it.

 

I see two choices here.

1. Do nothing and say nothing. With this, you will have to repress your guilt for possibly the rest of your life. You may be OK with that for awhile, (though I doubt it judging by your post), but later on the guilt will cause you to self destruct.

2. Come clean, be honest, be humble, and be prepared to do whatever it takes to fix this. This approach will be most difficult in the short term, but in the long term, if approached properly, you will prosper.

 

Now if you choose #2, your husband will be hurt, upset, angry, and disappointed to say the least. At least in the beginning. If addressed properly, later he will respect you for being honest with him. This will help in rebuilding trust.

But, before you do this you may want to take steps to show him you are taking steps to insure something like this never happens again.

A. Quit drinking (it's fairly obvious this clouds your judgement)

B. Start individual counseling to address individual issues which contributed to this.

C. Start marital counseling

D. End contact with "friends" who are a bad influence.

 

If you choose option#1, be prepared to cover up, lie, and hope he never finds out. Because if he does, then your marriage is probably finished. Not because you did what you did, but because you lied and covered up. The cover up is always worse than the initial crime.

God Bless and Good Luck

[Mr. Lucky]

I dont need people yelling at me and telling me what a horrible person I am cause I am already at that point.

 

Thank you.

I think the posters here understand that good people are capable of doing bad things as the proof exists in many threads here. But having said that, many will judge you based on your conduct from this point on. The obvious right thing to do is to come clean with your H and dedicate yourself to fixing your M. Are you capable of that ???

 

The one cautionary thing I see is the notion you present that you were somehow conned into participating and victimized by the actions of others. Unless someone pulled a gun on you, you willingly took each step - starting with the drinking and ending with the sex - of your own free will. Understanding and admitting that, were I your H, would be part of the recovery. I wish you well and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[newboyintown]

You are already in the "right" by knowing what you did is not for you...I wouldn't suggest that you admit anything. If you tell your husband, you will just hurt him and yourself more. If you feel the need, talk to someone you trust about it. You are right to think that you were taken advantage of, just chalk it up to experience and don't go out with people you cannot trust. Maybe they slipped something in your drink? I got involved with someone at work recently and it turned out to be a disaster. Now I am thinking about changing jobs...mine is not a career move, but it is something you might consider now that you have to work with this unscrupulous person. On the humanistic side, man kind has evolved and become the most powerful being on the planet because we have the ability to adapt to any situation. If this is your first time experiencing sex with a woman and you didn't like it, now you know...use it to your advantage. Both my parents were bi-sexual (I was born in Hollywood) and nothing really scares me. Just because you have a sexual experience with the same sex does not change your sexuality. You will be fine. Try and think of the positive side if you can. Your husband has no idea you had an affair, you can use your deep remorse to strengthen your love for him - the magic of love will help you forgive yourself, which seems to be the most important issue here.

[schewter]

If the only reason you have for telling your husband is to ease your concience and this incident is truly so far out there for you that you are certain beyond all doubt that it will never happen again...that you don't have a drinking problem...that you are finished with this "friend"...that you were manipulated / taken advantage of then I would live with it and let it go. You should confront your EX-friend and ask her if this was a planned event between her and the guy. Good Luck whatever you decide to do...

[eyeswide]

I really know what you're going through, sweety. I feel like I have an opportunity to redeem my own sad self a little here...

 

I had (what should have been) a one-night stand while drunk. I don't blame the alcohol alone, but it sure made it a lot easier to drop my defenses.

 

My guilt wrecked me. Made me believe that my 10 year track record of fidelity was meaningless and this was the kind of woman I was.

 

I didn't tell my husband. I didn't quit drinking. I continued to spend time with Mr. Wrong. I think I thought I deserved him. I let my guilt nearly destroy my marriage. I eventually told the truth because I was having a kind of "tell-tale heart" experience. (Weird little coincidences occurring that made me think my husband knew everything and had been spying on me -- he hadn't, but ain't it funny how the mind works...)

 

Sadly, we didn't really deal with the fallout. After I told him, we pretty much went silent for a long time. I started drinking even more. Now I'm the BS. Yuk.

 

If I had it to do over again I would:

 

1) Tell the truth immediately.

2) Go to an individual counselor to talk about the experience and what can be done related to the drinking (AA is not the only solution, btw...)

3) Go to MC together

4) Avoid contact with my ONS partner forever (I know this will be hard for you in part -- your team mate anyway -- but maybe you can get some support from a supervisor to change up your contact.

5) Most importantly -- not tell myself that I was a bad, horrible person and convince myself that I no longer deserved to be happy. That attitude alone was probably the most hurtful thing I ever did to my poor husband.

 

Good luck, prtty...I'm so glad you found this site. I wish I had when I was in your shoes.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hello,

This last weekend he went out with some friends visiting from out of town, so I went out with this single girl from my work (we co-manage a team together). Well I drank and drank and drank and don't remember much. I do know that I went with this girl from my work and a guy she met and pretty much had a threesome My stomache turns just typing it. I remember getting sick as we were doing things and then afterwards I could barely keep from vomitting. I love my husband and family to DEATH.

 

if you loved him that much, you wouldn't have cheated on him. drinking isn't an excuse. if anything, drinking brings out one's true character, just didn't have the guts to do anything of the sort when sober.

 

 

 

I never go out with single people and always have married people whom I trust that I go out with.

 

married people that you trust? its yourself you have to trust. Doesn't matter whether you are with someone that is scum or not, YOU should have known better. The person that couldn't be trusted her is YOU.

 

 

So I am so mad at myself that this happended! its SO out of my character!!!

 

why do cheaters always say this?

 

 

I almost feel like they know how messed up I was and used that to their advantage to, They knew what they were doing and I really did not

 

dont even try to use your drunken state to excuse this away.

 

 

 

I can't bear the thought of telling my husband and deystroying my marriage

 

It wouldn't be your telling him that would destroy it, it would be your actions that destroy it.

 

 

Please help me! I need advice. I dont need people yelling at me and telling me what a horrible person I am cause I am already at that point.

 

well, there is no sense in me telling you to tell your husband, because you are going to take the cowards way out, deny him the honesty he deserves, and keep him in the dark about this.

 

So what do you do? You start looking for another job because it is now not appropriate for you to keep in contact, even at a job, with this huss you went out with.

 

and 2, you never go out drinking again. Since you like to blame it on drinking, then if you drink, then it will happen again according to your logic.

 

So no more drinking, NEVER go out with anyone single, start looking for another job, and if you go out with a married woman or couple without your husband, you drink diet coke.

 

but if you really know what I think you should do, it is tell your husband and come clean...cuz if you dont, you will go out again, drink and never learn your lesson. Until you pay consequences to your actions, and no, your petty guilt is not enough, then you will repeat this in the future...because you suffered no real and tangible consequences.

[Dexter Morgan]

this whole story is why I won't be with someone that feels the need to go out and drink, party, bar hop,etc.

[michelangelo]

You intend to be faithful, but harbor a desire to be sexually reckless. You keep a lid on it until an opportunity presented itself.

 

You get drunk and decide to have a threesome with your "friend" and another man.

 

You know you have "free" time since your H is gone. So you go way off the reservation.

 

Afterwards? You feel guilty and blame the booze.

 

At the very least, no matter which way of choosing to act going forward.

 

Youo had better get yourself tested for STDs before having any sexual contact with your H. And be sure of the results before exposing him to your illicit activities.

 

You don't want the cherry on the cake to be for your H to find ot he has a disease, and maybe a life threatening one at that, before he even knows you cheated.

[Snowflower]

this whole story is why I won't be with someone that feels the need to go out and drink, party, bar hop,etc.

 

 

I agree with you here, Dex.

 

I hope the OP of this thread also realizes that "clubbing" is no longer an option for her. She has proven she can't handle this type of situation. This should be one of her first steps in proving herself to her husband.

 

That being said, I hope she can come clean with her husband and work to recommit to her marriage. I don't think one bad decision "makes" a person. It is how they handle themselves afterward, make amends, etc that will determine what type of person they really are.

 

Hopefully the OP will come back and post more...

[cheatingheart]

I felt sick reading your story, I can't even imagine how you feel. Or how your husband would feel hearing about it.

 

My very strong advice is to NOT tell him. I'm not exactly sure what happened, because if you threw up just as things were getting started, maybe you didn't continue? I hope. But you need to be clear on what you're trying to accomplish by telling him. You already feel sorry and guilty and swear you'll never do it again, you love your husband and want a good marriage. So do you feel like telling him would more "fair"? I think it would relieve some of your guilt at his expense. You need to think hard about this before you do anything. Once you tell him, you can't take it back.

 

You sound pretty traumatized in your post, so I think talking to a therapist would be a good idea. I've always believed that alcohol doesn't "make" us do anything. It lowers our inhibitions, but the things we say and do under the influence are things that were already inside us, so I think talking to a therapist should be your first step.

[stuckinoz]

Hello,

I am so sick and ashamed of myself that I had to find somewhere to talk about it. I am a married mother of 3. my husband and I have been together for over 10yrs. This last weekend he went out with some friends visiting from out of town, so I went out with this single girl from my work (we co-manage a team together). Well I drank and drank and drank and don't remember much. I do know that I went with this girl from my work and a guy she met and pretty much had a threesome My stomache turns just typing it. I remember getting sick as we were doing things and then afterwards I could barely keep from vomitting. I love my husband and family to DEATH. I never go out with single people and always have married people whom I trust that I go out with. So I am so mad at myself that this happended! its SO out of my character!!! I almost feel like they know how messed up I was and used that to their advantage to, They knew what they were doing and I really did not I can't bear the thought of telling my husband and deystroying my marriage Please help me! I need advice. I dont need people yelling at me and telling me what a horrible person I am cause I am already at that point.

 

Thank you.

 

First let me say {hugs} I feel for you. It's gotta be very rough on you. You seem to be beating yourself up over this.......You are NOT a bad person!!!

 

Secondly.........Be prepared here in LS to be beat down more than you already are. They will bash you for the infidelity. They will bash you for the drinking. They will probably bash you for hanging out with a single friend. Just remember, the people that do attack you here - were hurt or are still hurt because someone else wronged them & feel it necessary to take it out on folks such as yourself. You're an easy target for them.

BE TOUGH!!!

 

If I were you, I wouldn't tell. This is (from what you've said) just a one time deal. You are not a serial cheather. You haven't done this before.

No reason to tell. Live & Learn by what's happened. Try not to drink SO much when you go out that you lose all you inhibitions. Be more careful who you hang with next time.

 

Good luck....Stay strong! It's all still very new in your mind - It'll get easier. {{hugs}}

.

[Owl]

I just had a thought on this...

 

...should the OP talk with her H about being tested for STD's?

 

Given the nature of the way that this went down, it would seem to me that both her and her H should be tested right away for STD's and HIV.

 

I'd suspect that neither her friend nor the guy they were with are likely to be..."safe" partners of any kind.

[stuckinoz]

 

I'd suspect that neither her friend nor the guy they were with are likely to be..."safe" partners of any kind.

 

 

How on earth would you know that..............Is it given the "nasty - deplorable" way it went down.

[dobler33]

How on earth would you know that..............Is it given the "nasty - deplorable" way it went down.

 

doesn't matter. nastiness and deplorability are moot points when it comes to testing. you just do it, because it's what you do when you have put yourself or others at risk. don't listen to any moralizing on this one, prtty, it'll confuse issues of safety with issues of self-worth. some folks here will tell you that you're heinous and some will tell you you're not, and that's a different conversation. but get tested, honey. self-loathing, self-disgust and guilt are a big part of why people don't get tested, and therefore a big part of how STI's spread. stop the chain.

[Owl]

How on earth would you know that..............Is it given the "nasty - deplorable" way it went down.

 

My suggestion to have everyone tested for STD's had nothing to do with "moralizing" or even really judging anyone's ethics...

 

My reasoning was simple, and sound.

 

If they're willing to do a 3some at a moment's notice when they're drunk...then they're not likely to be "safe partners" by virtually anyone's reasonable standards. Espeically given that the OP has indicated that the third person they were with wasn't anyone that she knew well. Clearly that third person didn't know HER well either.

 

This isn't rocket science.

[eyeswide]

My suggestion to have everyone tested for STD's had nothing to do with "moralizing" or even really judging anyone's ethics...

 

My reasoning was simple, and sound.

 

If they're willing to do a 3some at a moment's notice when they're drunk...then they're not likely to be "safe partners" by virtually anyone's reasonable standards. Espeically given that the OP has indicated that the third person they were with wasn't anyone that she knew well. Clearly that third person didn't know HER well either.

 

This isn't rocket science.

 

Totally agreed. And I would add, for prttymarie's sake, that the fear of facing the OB/Gyn and that they will lecture you and make you feel worse, well, it probably won't happen. Especially if you tell them that you are afraid of them doing that. I was (afraid of being judged) and I did (share my fear). I ended up with the distinct impression that they see this stuff all the time (sigh...how depressing is that???) and that they think that about half of their patients who AREn't requesting testing SHOULD be.

 

I strongly recommend, prtty, that you DO NOT have unprotected sex with your H until you have a) told him what happened and b) been tested and can be confident that you are in the clear. God knows you don't need unknowingly exposing him to infection on your conscience too, sweety.

[prttymarie]

Thank you all for your responses. I am still uncertain of what to do... HOwever as for everyone concerned with the STD, there was protection used. So that is ONE thing I know. I am praying and seeking advise from trusted friends and going to see a counsler next Monday.

[lkjh]

Thank you all for your responses. I am still uncertain of what to do... HOwever as for everyone concerned with the STD, there was protection used. So that is ONE thing I know. I am praying and seeking advise from trusted friends and going to see a counsler next Monday.

 

If you love your H and family you need to confess and see if you two can work through it.

[Owl]

Thank you all for your responses. I am still uncertain of what to do... HOwever as for everyone concerned with the STD, there was protection used. So that is ONE thing I know. I am praying and seeking advise from trusted friends and going to see a counsler next Monday.

 

"Protection" doesn't protect against Herpes or HPV, nor does it protect if their was 'oral' between unprotected parties.

[schewter]

Thank you all for your responses. I am still uncertain of what to do... HOwever as for everyone concerned with the STD, there was protection used. So that is ONE thing I know. I am praying and seeking advise from trusted friends and going to see a counsler next Monday.

 

Everything on here is just opinion prttymarie...everybody's situation is different and nothing is black & white. BTW...is it at all possible that something was slipped in your drink? Just a thought. Take care...

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you all for your responses. I am still uncertain of what to do... HOwever as for everyone concerned with the STD, there was protection used. So that is ONE thing I know. I am praying and seeking advise from trusted friends and going to see a counsler next Monday.

 

If you love your husband, you will tell him what happened.

 

If you only love yourself you will keep this a secret.

 

I'm speaking from experience. I took the selfish path and it ruined everything. Unless your a total sociopath, I suggest honesty. No marriage can survive without honesty.