I am sick about this...

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you all for your responses. I am still uncertain of what to do... HOwever as for everyone concerned with the STD, there was protection used. So that is ONE thing I know. I am praying and seeking advise from trusted friends and going to see a counsler next Monday.

 

As a side note. How much pressure was put on you to engage in this?

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm not exactly sure what happened, because if you threw up just as things were getting started, maybe you didn't continue?

 

I'm not buying the whole "threw up" thing. Besides, I thought she said she didn't remember any of it. selective memory I guess.

 

I don't know of anyone that would be so sickened by an act that they would continue or even start said act (unless its on Fear Factor).

 

So from not remembering anything, but remembering that she was going to throw up, I'm not buying it.

 

I think she knew exactly what she was doing, alcohol is not an excuse, and if she did vomit afterwards, it was due to being drunk.

 

 

You sound pretty traumatized in your post, so I think talking to a therapist would be a good idea. I've always believed that alcohol doesn't "make" us do anything. It lowers our inhibitions, but the things we say and do under the influence are things that were already inside us.

 

exactly!! which is why doing what she did was something she would have liked to have done, just didn't have the guts to do it while sober.

 

bottom line, unless she tells him, or vows to never go out partying again, she WILL do it again. She already blamed it on alcohol, so if that is her excuse, it will be her excuse again if she continues to party.

 

she is a wife, she needs to act like one.

[Dexter Morgan]

If I were you, I wouldn't tell. This is (from what you've said) just a one time deal. You are not a serial cheather. You haven't done this before.

No reason to tell. Live & Learn by what's happened. Try not to drink SO much when you go out that you lose all you inhibitions. Be more careful who you hang with next time. .

 

ok, fair enough. would you agree that if she isn't going to tell her H, that she needs to stay away from drinking and partying?

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you all for your responses. I am still uncertain of what to do... HOwever as for everyone concerned with the STD, there was protection used.

 

there was? how do you know? you said you didn't remember anything.

 

but for arguments sake, lets say there was protection.....it was a rubber I would assume. So this guy sticks it in the other gal, then in you, then in the other gal, then in you......he'd have to have changed the rubber each and every time he switched between the two of you to help ensure no STD was transmitted.

 

 

So that is ONE thing I know.

 

again, selective memory.

[schewter]

"you said you didn't remember anything."

 

No she didn't...she said she didn't remember much. Sketchy details...I know exactly what she means; everything is a blur in your mind and you see little bits and pieces...I've been that drunk before and have done things of a different nature that were just as wrong...and it wasn't because I had a latent desire to do them and needed alcohol to give me the courage...

[mark982]

i'm a firm believer in getting check for std's,don't care if protection was used. maybe i'm alittle biased as ex gave me the clap.but it still boggles my mind that some people say not to tell her husband.yea i know,it was a drunkin thing,it will not happen again. blah-blah-blah.she cheated he deserves to know.

[Snowflower]

I don't think there are too many people who can say that they have never done anything while drunk they regret, or at least feel stupid about later. It doesn't mean that they had this huge, latent desire to do these things...rather that they were not in control, didn't think about the consequences, or whatever.

 

Being drunk doesn't excuse cheating behavior...but I guess I would rather hear from my SO that the cheating occurred when they were drunk and being stupid, careless, out of it, whatever, than to be stone cold sober and premeditate it and then carry through with the cheating in a deliberate manner. But, that's just my opinion.

[prttymarie]

I have already vowed I will no longer go out without my husband.. despite what some of you are stating, I DO not remember EVERYTHING, I do remember some bits and pieces and things that I do remember I wish I didn't. I have tremendous guilt. But knowing my husband as I do, this would crush him and our marriage and no good would come out of telling him, If I tell him, it will result in a divorce.. this was the FIRST time I have EVER done this type of thing, I have NEVER had those types of desires, I know its because I was with single people whom dont care for what a marriage stands for, and because I was so drunk, I didnt stop and think like I should have.. Yes him leaving would be a consequence for my stupidity, but I also have 3 young children to think about. I was NOT in a sober frame of mind, I was careless, stupid and selfish. This I KNOW! I will not be drinking or going out with anyone unless my husband is there. He means TO much to even leave a POSSIBLITY of this happening again. I have prayed, I know God forgives me. I don't forgive myself yet.. But I know I can take the feelings I have and focus them on giving all I can to my hubby and family and being all I can be for them.

[Snowflower]

prttymarie, I don't know what advise is best to do here...your story hits very close to home for me. My husband had a drunk ONS and confessed to me a few months later.

 

It devastated me and we are working through it. But, I am glad he told me, as much as it hurt me. You seem genuinely remorseful...and that is good. I'm not sure what is best here. If it is going to cost your children their security, then that is something to consider. You will get advice from both sides here and some of it won't be very nice...just be prepared.

 

I do agree with the others about the STD testing...you at least owe your husband that much whether you tell him what happened or not. If something "bad" comes back in the STD testing then you will be faced with telling him the truth, but cross that bridge at that point.

[Dexter Morgan]

"you said you didn't remember anything."

 

No she didn't...she said she didn't remember much. Sketchy details...I know exactly what she means; everything is a blur in your mind and you see little bits and pieces...I've been that drunk before and have done things of a different nature that were just as wrong...and it wasn't because I had a latent desire to do them and needed alcohol to give me the courage...

 

ok, a guy wearing a rubber would be a very SPECIFIC thing. why remember that, and "not much" else?

 

and I didn't say anything about "latent desire"....I don't think there is any latent about inhibitions. I think drunk cheaters are very aware of what they'd like to do while sober.

[stuckinoz]

ok, fair enough. would you agree that if she isn't going to tell her H, that she needs to stay away from drinking and partying?

 

Yes - I think that if partying to that degree makes you totally lose control of yourself & your inhibitions - Yep. Should probably tone it down a notch or 12.

[Owl]

Here's the fly in the ointment...there's no way she can have her H tested for STD's without explaining the situation to him.

 

And unless she's not been intimate with her H since this has happened, she would have to have them BOTH tested to ensure that they're both safe.

 

I would agree...your H is likely to be devestated by what you've done.

 

But telling him isn't what will devestate him. The fact that you've DONE it is the source of the pain. It will hurt him worse to learn that you HID this all from him as well...take it from an ex 'betrayed husband".

 

The deception is the biggest part of the damage.

 

He needs/deserves the truth. And you both need to know that you're both in the "clean" after this as well.

 

Even if all three of you "wore protection" (they make 'em for the ladies too), there's still a risk. Additionally, if you and your single lady friend....interacted with each other...unless you were both using female condoms, there's still the risk of transmission between the two of you as well.

 

And as I said...HPV and Herpes can be transmitted even with 'protection'.

[prttymarie]

I disagree with this:

 

and I didn't say anything about "latent desire"....I don't think there is any latent about inhibitions. I think drunk cheaters are very aware of what they'd like to do while sober.

 

Because if that were the case, the THOUGHT of those types of behaviors wouldn't make me sick to my stomach or my skin crawl when sober....

[wuggle]

But knowing my husband as I do, this would crush him and our marriage and no good would come out of telling him, If I tell him, it will result in a divorce..

 

So don't tell him. Accept the pain and the shame as your consequence (for now).

 

I do think the counselling you mentioned is VERY important. You did this for a reason, you don't know what that reason is, talk to a counsellor and try to find out. It could be that you are 'crying out for attention', your marriage may be getting staid and unfullfilling, you might be unhappy with it but haven't been able to say so, only you will be able to figure this out.

 

Find out first why you think you did this then decide.

[stuckinoz]

I think drunk cheaters are very aware of what they'd like to do while sober.

 

This though - I disagree with.

Alcohol is a very powerful drug & if taken in excess will most definitely cause you to behave in ways you don't normally act....or think...when sober.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have already vowed I will no longer go out without my husband.. despite what some of you are stating, I DO not remember EVERYTHING, I do remember some bits and pieces and things that I do remember I wish I didn't.

 

then if you are not going to have the guts to come clean, then you will need to make good on your "vow", even though you broke your marriage vows, and never to go out without your husband.

 

you also need to NEVER drink again. You blamed what you did on alcohol. So if that if your excuse, then by your own logic, you cannot drink anything ever again. Because if you can't handle drinking, then there will be repeated instances of things you will conveniently not remember.

 

So keep the secret, let your husband stay married to someone he doesn't know is a cheater, and no more drinking. You have proven you can't handle it.

 

 

I have tremendous guilt.

 

I'm sure it will go away in no time.

 

 

But knowing my husband as I do, this would crush him and our marriage and no good would come out of telling him

 

and no good will come from you partying any more.

 

and again, I know you won't be telling your husband, but it wouldn't have been the act of telling him that crushes your marriage, it is that he is married to someone that cheated......not the act of coming clean.

 

he will forever be in the dark about what his "wife" did.

 

 

If I tell him, it will result in a divorce

 

all the more reason to tell him, because you are making that choice for him. but you will be denying him that choice, so its a moot point.

 

 

this was the FIRST time I have EVER done this type of thing, I have NEVER had those types of desires

 

Oh, but you did that night. don't say you didn't either...you don't do things you have no desire to do.

 

 

I know its because I was with single people whom dont care for what a marriage stands for, and because I was so drunk

 

Ok, now you are trying to excuse away what you did. It wasn't you afterall...it was those terrible people you were with. THEY MADE YOU DO THIS!!!

 

sorry...it just aint so.

 

 

Yes him leaving would be a consequence for my stupidity, but I also have 3 young children to think about.

 

well you weren't thinking about them when engaging in your 3some were you?

 

 

I was NOT in a sober frame of mind, I was careless, stupid and selfish.

 

selfish? how so if you don't remember much and you are trying to tell us you weren't in control? I mean, if this was the fault of someone else or booze, then its not your fault .....right?

 

 

I will not be drinking or going out with anyone unless my husband is there.

 

you shouldn't be drinking anymore period because you blamed it on drinking. Whats to say you don't get sloshed and some guy lures you into a bathroom at a bar when your husband isn't looking.

 

if you aren't going to tell your husband, then the LEAST you should do is NEVER drink again....you can't handle it.

 

 

He means TO much to even leave a POSSIBLITY of this happening again. I have prayed, I know God forgives me. I don't forgive myself yet..

 

and your husband will never get the chance to decide whether HE gets to forgive you.

 

you forgiving yourself and god forgiving you are irrelevent. neither of you speak for your husband.

 

 

 

But I know I can take the feelings I have and focus them on giving all I can to my hubby and family and being all I can be for them.

 

then like I said, be prepared to NEVER drink again or go out without him....you sip on cokes the entire evening. If you aren't willing to do that, then he doesn't mean that much to you, as if cheating and keeping him in the dark aren't already bad enough.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes - I think that if partying to that degree makes you totally lose control of yourself & your inhibitions - Yep. Should probably tone it down a notch or 12.

 

not talking about toning it down, I'm talking about tuning it out completely. no more drinking..not even a sip of wine.

[Dexter Morgan]

I disagree with this:

 

and I didn't say anything about "latent desire"....I don't think there is any latent about inhibitions. I think drunk cheaters are very aware of what they'd like to do while sober.

 

Because if that were the case, the THOUGHT of those types of behaviors wouldn't make me sick to my stomach or my skin crawl when sober....

 

ok, so basically you are saying that alcohol just makes you and everyone else do things they don't want to do.....is that what I'm hearing from you?

[schewter]

"ok, a guy wearing a rubber would be a very SPECIFIC thing. why remember that, and "not much" else?"

 

I don't know Dexter...why do I remember that a police officer I took a swing at 20 years ago when I was completely sh--faced had a cigarette on his ear?

 

"and I didn't say anything about "latent desire"....I don't think there is any latent about inhibitions. I think drunk cheaters are very aware of what they'd like to do while sober. "

 

That is an opinion...mine is different...I think a person can be a good and loyal wife or husband and get in a state where they let their guard down and do something they'd have never done in a sober state...and I don't even know what a desire to "cheat" is...we all are capable of looking at somebody outside our marriages and having carnal desires...that's just a human thing. Hopefully we are able to control ourselves...but if you are looking for a woman who'll never ever glance at another man with desire, well, good luck with that.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, don't you think you would expect your husband to be truthful and honest with you? I am sorry but your husband has a right to know, otherwise you are still disrespecting and humiliating him by not telling him the truth. I know it is difficult but you are treating him like a fool by not being honest with him. Don't you think he has the right to know this? I suspect you just simply do not wish to suffer any consequences from your behavior.

[stuckinoz]

not talking about toning it down, I'm talking about tuning it out completely. no more drinking..not even a sip of wine.

 

A bit extreme.........but ok....

You do kind of paint things black & white. Either / OR

I guess I see GRAY areas .... Such as - a glass of wine-

I hardly think a GLASS of wine would cause anyone to have a 3-some. Unless she's allergic. Which we don't know.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hopefully we are able to control ourselves...but if you are looking for a woman who'll never ever glance at another man with desire, well, good luck with that.

 

I fully realize that all humans can and do appreciate the looks of others.

 

I find other women attractive, any SO of mine finds other men attractive.

 

Difference is, I don't want them, I want my attractive SO. And even when to the point of passing out, I know to stay away from cheating.

 

And I haven't been that sloshed in years and when I was, I was young and still knew enough not to cheat when drunk.

 

The drinking and not remembering excuse doesn't fly with me.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have already vowed I will no longer go out without my husband..

 

How does that change things?

 

I have tremendous guilt. But knowing my husband as I do, this would crush him and our marriage and no good would come out of telling him, If I tell him, it will result in a divorce.. this was the FIRST time I have EVER done this type of thing, I have NEVER had those types of desires, I know its because I was with single people whom dont care for what a marriage stands for, and because I was so drunk, I didnt stop and think like I should have.

 

You don't know how your husband will react. You don't. Maybe he has done the same thing once or twice before and can easily forgive.

 

Do you feel you have the right to hide this from him? Do you believe that is what a good person would do?

 

Yes him leaving would be a consequence for my stupidity, but I also have 3 young children to think about. I was NOT in a sober frame of mind, I was careless, stupid and selfish. This I KNOW! I will not be drinking or going out with anyone unless my husband is there. He means TO much to even leave a POSSIBLITY of this happening again. I have prayed, I know God forgives me. I don't forgive myself yet.. But I know I can take the feelings I have and focus them on giving all I can to my hubby and family and being all I can be for them.

 

I really don't think you are the type of person who could just sweep this under the rug and move on.

 

If you do the right thing now, you can recover and move forward.

 

If you let this fester like sickness, it will kill your marriage in the long run.

 

I know how tempting it is to just pretend it didn't happen. I did that once and it wrecked me, and my marriage. I think your making a bad choice, and in 10 years you will look back and wish you had taken this advice.

[Dexter Morgan]

A bit extreme.........but ok....

 

its not at all extreme seeing as how she is blaming alcohol for her cheating.

 

giving up drinking completely......isn't that a small price to pay if she really wants to do right by him? Isnt' that a small price to pay if she doesn't have the guts to come clean?

 

 

You do kind of paint things black & white. Either / OR

I guess I see GRAY areas .... Such as - a glass of wine-

I hardly think a GLASS of wine would cause anyone to have a 3-some. Unless she's allergic. Which we don't know.

 

you are right, but one glass of wine turns to 2, 2 to 4...and so on.

 

in any case, if she were to take a sip of any alcohol from this point on....she should remember what she did to her husband while drinking.

 

Lets put it this way....what would you say if she did tell her husband what happened...and lets say he forgave her, but said if he ever catches her drinking again, even a sip, that she is showing him that she doesn't give a crap since asking someone to give up drinking all together isn't much to ask...and that if she does, she is history?

 

If I had cheated on someone and they said they forgave me, but that if I ever took another sip again, it was over....I'd be like "NO PROBLEM"...IF in fact I wanted to be in that relationship.

[wuggle]

It seems fairly obvious to me that she is lying about events of the night, what she remembers etc (to us and more importantly herself), how many people tell the truth straight out first off in cases like this ?

 

I don't see any good reason to keep going over whether or not she is telling the truth , let's all assume she isn't.

 

Is it not more important to try to figure out why she allowed\wanted this to happen ?

 

How was the marriage before this incident ? was it good ? feel close, feel loved ? , given attention or just treated as part of the furniture ?

 

Figure out why before you tell him.