Reggie Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Another question, if you were this intoxicated, so as to be virtually incompetent, how did you get home? I am wondering if you have not exaggerated the extent of intoxication so as to avoid taking full responsibility. It seems that in order to do something so completely against your values, you would have had to be really impaired, not just somewhat drunk. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Do drunk drivers actually REALIZE they are too drunk to drive? To your first point, why even mention that. She was not passed out so there is no point in putting that out there. I know you are trying to show the extremes of being drunk but the fact is that she wasn't passed out. To your second point, it doesn't matter if the driver knows they are drunk. The logic behind this and it is a very good logic is that when you go out drinking, you know that drinking can impair your driving ability. So once you make the decision to drink you are responsible for your actions after that. You made the decision to drink when is sober and now you are responsible for what happens next. ahm...I was responding to ChatroomHero. You have taken my response out of context. He said that many posters are mentioning "alcohol as a powerful drug ...and therefore she is not responsible for her actions" (paraphrasing here)-I don't think anybody said that. That unless she was passed out ( which she wasnt) she is responsible for the acts of sex the insued and will suffer the consequences of such act...JUST LIKE A DRUNK DRIVER. Get it? As for the question whether drunk drivers ACTUALLY realizing they are too drunk to drive..I asked because 1) I have never been drunk and therefore do not know how it is to be drunk and then drive 2) I always hear drunk people say "I will be fine, im not drunk"..even though they can barely stand which seems to support the contention that maybe drunk drivers do not really realize how drunk they are ! Don't parse my words to further your agenda,! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 As I read this whole thread, I wondered. If I was prttymarie's husband how would I react to her "in a threesome" and more importantly would I even want to know it happened. I'm pretty sure that the answer to the former is that would be it, the end finito. I would not waste a single nights sleep thinking about her cavorting about with her "friends". That being said, as a practical matter, I probably wouldn't want to know it happened. I say that from experiance because I lived that life. I had children to raise, and I didn't pry or snoop into my now ex wife's affairs (literally), I suspected, but didn't act. Now to the STD problem. I suggest prttymarie get her self to her GYN and have a complete and exhausted panel of tests done. If she comes out clean there is no practical probability that there was anything to pass on to her husband. If she finds she is infected... then of course the sheit is gonna hit the fan. Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I think the posters here understand that good people are capable of doing bad things as the proof exists in many threads here. But having said that, many will judge you based on your conduct from this point on. The obvious right thing to do is to come clean with your H and dedicate yourself to fixing your M. Are you capable of that ??? The one cautionary thing I see is the notion you present that you were somehow conned into participating and victimized by the actions of others. Unless someone pulled a gun on you, you willingly took each step - starting with the drinking and ending with the sex - of your own free will. Understanding and admitting that, were I your H, would be part of the recovery. I wish you well and keep posting... Mr. Lucky Not sure about the last paragraph. I'm probably in a different country to you but where I am, sexual intercourse without consent is rape; and if a person is too intoxicated to give full and free consent and it can be proved that this is the case and that the others didn't consider whether or not she was consenting, then it can still be rape. She says she doesn't remember much so it's hard to tell what sort of consent she may have given and if they were equally intoxicated then it's hard to hold some parties more culpable than others. So I'm not necessarily recommending she bring charges because it is so hard to prove and come up with the evidence. If I were in her position and if I were intending to tell my H then then I would probably present it as being taken advantage of while drunk. This is a very sad situation. S Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 dude, dex, you need a hug or something. seriously. you are not listening to anything this woman is saying. you can make your points without being a butt. how in the name of holy buggery do you expect her to hear anything you have to say while you are browbeating her? Oh silly dob....He does need a hug me thinks. He's a "Lay It On The Line" kida guy. That's very clear. !!!! oh holy buggery, you crack me up! Ditto Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 It seems fairly obvious to me that she is lying about events of the night glad I'm not the only one that sees this. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 There are an awful lot of WHAT IF's in that scenario. Ones that probably won't happen. We don't know. I still think she shouldn't tell & should move past this & learn from the mistake.Get counseling if you think it'll help & try to move past it. It isn't the end of the world. But that's just my opinion. all fine and dandy if she doesn't have the tits to come clean. if she isn't going to come clean, drinking needs to stop....completely, since she blames it on the alcohol. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 "It seems fairly obvious to me that she is lying about events of the night, what she remembers etc (to us and more importantly herself), how many people tell the truth straight out first off in cases like this?" On an anomynous message board...why would you lie? so that she might hope to get different pieces of advice that more suits her desire. because afterall...if she can convince people it was the booze and that she threw up before she allowed another man to dip his wick in her...then she is more than likely going to get the advice she wants to hear...and that is not to tell. Otherwise if she told us that she knew what she was doing, drinking wasn't a factor...etc...then she'd get advice, more than likely, that she does NOT want to hear...and that is to tell her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 People do more than find members of the opposite sex attractive Dexter, they have downright lustful feelings for some...that is not a betrayal. People even fantasize about being with people of the opposite sex...that is not a betrayal either...we are all human. and what does that have to do with ACTUALLY going out and f#####g someone else?..let alone a 3some? And again, this lady never said she didn't remember anything no, she only remembers what is convenient for the sake of argument so she can extract the advice she wants to hear....which is she wants validation to not have to tell her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Dexter Morgan, have you read the above post from OP? would that satisfy your repeated badgering of her not to ever drink and/or hang-out with "the huss" again? I've already responded to that post tami.....she said she will not drink unless her husband is around. not good enough, she blames what she did on drinking. so even if her husband is around, she needs to stop drinking...because if being drunk is the culrprit, according to her, then her husband being around isn't going to make a difference. She could go off to a bathroom with some guy that might drag her in there when hubby isn't looking and boff him. if drinking caused her to cheat by her own admission, then drinking needs to stop, whether her husband is around or not. otherwise, she can stop with the drinking excuse. As to whether to tell your husband or not....you are the only one who knows how your husband will react, if hiding the truth will not eat you from the inside..then don't tell. If it will, then come clean and tell your husband-exactly how you shared your story here-with humility, be contrite. Allow him to respond the way he chooses to and acknowledge his feelings about it. However, this is something that can be forgiven and worked on. Do not allow him to use this as a weapon against you in the future. First you are assuming her husband is some sort of bastard that he would do this. Second, what do you consider as him using this "as a weapon"....do you consider a husband that has been betrayed for the cheating wife to act like a wife and cease behaviors that he is not comfortable with abusive or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Well I can't say I have my mind made up.. everyone's opinion is different.. bottom line is it is our marriage. and I am the one that has to decide which way to go you are a partner in this marriage with him. YOU have to decide which way to go? What about him having a decision in the matter? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 dude, dex, you need a hug or something. seriously. you are not listening to anything this woman is saying. you can make your points without being a butt. how in the name of holy buggery do you expect her to hear anything you have to say while you are browbeating her? i guess it doesn't really matter does it....there is only one piece of advise she is interested in....and that is not to tell him the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 PrettyMarie, You MUST tell your husband, immediately. This will never stay a secret. Both your"friend", and her boyfriend will get drunk and tell their friends and co-workers , who will tell their friends, and within a couple of months, everyone you work with and all your friends will know. Do you want your husband to find out from someone else? BECAUSE HE WILL FIND OUT. Somebody will talk, somebody always does. If you really want to save your marriage, YOU must be the one who tells him. If he finds out from someone else, your marriage is probably over. Tell him just like you told it here, and make sure that he knows you will do ANYTHING to prove that you can be trusted and that you will do anything to save your marriage. You have 1 chance to save your marriage, don't blow it. No lies, be honest!!! NEVER SPEAK TO YOUR FRIEND, AGAIN!!!!!. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 PM, bold is right, he will find out sooner or later. Question is, are you willing to give up drinking COMPLETELY, whether with your husband or not....and are you willing to start looking for another job since it is now inappropriate for you to have any dealings or contact with this huss co-worker? Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 <<so that she might hope to get different pieces of advice that more suits her desire. because afterall...if she can convince people it was the booze and that she threw up before she allowed another man to dip his wick in her...then she is more than likely going to get the advice she wants to hear...and that is not to tell. Otherwise if she told us that she knew what she was doing, drinking wasn't a factor...etc...then she'd get advice, more than likely, that she does NOT want to hear...and that is to tell her husband.>> Quite a bit of assumption there Dex...here's a thought, maybe she's actually being honest and you're just too cynical to accept it. Maybe in your world people never get f--ked up enough to do something completely out of character but it does happen whether you wanna believe it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Quite a bit of assumption there Dex...here's a thought, maybe she's actually being honest and you're just too cynical to accept it. no, I read her story and can smell bulls##t a mile away. Maybe in your world people never get f--ked up enough to do something completely out of character but it does happen whether you wanna believe it or not. Well if that is truly the case, then she should have no problem telling her husband. Cuz afterall, she had no control over it, it was out of character for her:rolleyes:, and it was the booze........right? Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 "People do more than find members of the opposite sex attractive Dexter, they have downright lustful feelings for some...that is not a betrayal. People even fantasize about being with people of the opposite sex...that is not a betrayal either...we are all human." <<and what does that have to do with ACTUALLY going out and f#####g someone else?..let alone a 3some?>> Not a thing but you seemed to be implying in an earlier post that having the thought of something like this in your mind while sober was tantamount to having the desire to cheat...and it's not. "And again, this lady never said she didn't remember anything" <<no, she only remembers what is convenient for the sake of argument so she can extract the advice she wants to hear....which is she wants validation to not have to tell her husband.>> Matter of opinion Dex...I think she has clearly stated that she remembers enough to make herself sick over it and to make people like yourself condemn her... Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I suppose it is possible for someone to get so drunk they act nuts. But, if one is that drunk, how does one have a threesome? How did she drive home? How can she remember the specifics re the condum? And, if it is legit, why not tell the H? After all, if she was so drunk she had no idea of what she was doing, she did not intend it to happen. I just cannot see someone being so drunk, yet still able to function sexually or to drive home. Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 <<Well if that is truly the case, then she should have no problem telling her husband. Cuz afterall, she had no control over it, it was out of character for her:rolleyes:, and it was the booze........right?>> Nope...still not easy to tell the husband...and wasn't just the booze... stop twisting sentences and making inferences...this is like talking to Fox news. You have zero knowledge of this woman other than what she has posted on here and yet you assume to know so much...that she is lying, that her husband will find out, that she wanted this to happen...etc. etc....your bad experience doesn't make you an expert on anything here Dexter, there are no experts, so until she comes on here and offers more then her story is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 <<Well if that is truly the case, then she should have no problem telling her husband. Cuz afterall, she had no control over it, it was out of character for her:rolleyes:, and it was the booze........right?>> Nope...still not easy to tell the husband...and wasn't just the booze... stop twisting sentences and making inferences no twisting sentences or making inferences whatsoever. She had this to say about her drunken state: I almost feel like they know how messed up I was and used that to their advantage to, They knew what they were doing and I really did not She is blaming what she did on the booze AND the people she winded up having sex with. NONE of this was of her own doing and she isn't taking responsibility for it. It isn't her fault...it was the booze and her evil coworker that made her do it. this is like talking to Fox news. You have zero knowledge of this woman other than what she has posted on here and yet you assume to know so much...that she is lying, that her husband will find out, that she wanted this to happen...etc. etc....your bad experience doesn't make you an expert on anything here Dexter, there are no experts, so until she comes on here and offers more then her story is what it is. ok then...I guess she can just keep her trap shut out of cowardice and move on. don't tell the husband, keep him in the dark thinking he is married to someone that doesn't cheat, deal with the guilt for a while, and she can take comfort in the fact that she didn't tell him and avoided an awkward situation. In the meantime, there is a husband that has no idea he was f#cked over. I feel for the guy...and he doesn't even know what she did to him. And yes, my experience has left me with a pretty good bullsh##t detector. Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 She also said: "I am so sick and ashamed of myself that I had to find somewhere to talk about it." "So I am so mad at myself that this happended!" Doesn't sound like someone putting it ALL off on other factors. <<ok then...I guess she can just keep her trap shut out of cowardice and move on. don't tell the husband, keep him in the dark thinking he is married to someone that doesn't cheat, deal with the guilt for a while, and she can take comfort in the fact that she didn't tell him and avoided an awkward situation. In the meantime, there is a husband that has no idea he was f#cked over. I feel for the guy...and he doesn't even know what she did to him. And yes, my experience has left me with a pretty good bullsh##t detector. >> She "cheated"...is she a "cheater". In your all or nothing world for sure...it's greyer in my world. A cheater to me is someone who engages in a deliberate pattern of cheating with formed intent. This lady got drunk and did something stupid and knows she did. I had a friend walk out of a bar one night, get into a scuffle and kick a guy in the head. The guy died...my friend has never gotten past this...is he a killer? Not really...he never wanted or intended to kill anyone...but he has killed. Is this woman a "cheater"...not in my view...she "cheated" and I don't think she will again...and sometimes there is more at stake by coming clean than by letting it go. Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 She "cheated"...is she a "cheater". In your all or nothing world for sure...it's greyer in my world. A cheater to me is someone who engages in a deliberate pattern of cheating with formed intent. This lady got drunk and did something stupid and knows she did. I had a friend walk out of a bar one night, get into a scuffle and kick a guy in the head. The guy died...my friend has never gotten past this...is he a killer? Not really...he never wanted or intended to kill anyone...but he has killed. Is this woman a "cheater"...not in my view...she "cheated" and I don't think she will again...and sometimes there is more at stake by coming clean than by letting it go. Schewter: I am sorry about your friend - Thank you for sharing that - It really is a good example here. I TOTALLY agree with your "greyer world" analogy. Too bad some do live in a all or nothing world. I think people like that miss out on a lot of what this world has to offer. Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 You know Oz...what some want on here is the cheater to be punished...it has nothing to do with doing the right thing...it is all about "you did something wrong and you need to suffer the consequences"...and I think that's pathetic. If I ever come off as that resentful, bitter, and miserable you have my permission to find me and put me out of my misery. Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 You know Oz...what some want on here is the cheater to be punished...it has nothing to do with doing the right thing...it is all about "you did something wrong and you need to suffer the consequences"...and I think that's pathetic. If I ever come off as that resentful, bitter, and miserable you have my permission to find me and put me out of my misery. I wholeheartedly agree! Who made them the kings or queens of punishment anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 She also said: "I am so sick and ashamed of myself that I had to find somewhere to talk about it." "So I am so mad at myself that this happended!" Doesn't sound like someone putting it ALL off on other factors. Ya, I'll give her that much. <<ok then...I guess she can just keep her trap shut out of cowardice and move on. don't tell the husband, keep him in the dark thinking he is married to someone that doesn't cheat, deal with the guilt for a while, and she can take comfort in the fact that she didn't tell him and avoided an awkward situation. In the meantime, there is a husband that has no idea he was f#cked over. I feel for the guy...and he doesn't even know what she did to him. And yes, my experience has left me with a pretty good bullsh##t detector. >> She "cheated"...is she a "cheater". yes In your all or nothing world for sure...it's greyer in my world. A cheater to me is someone who engages in a deliberate pattern of cheating with formed intent. with formed intent? so if someone cheats, and more than once, and the excuse is, "it just happened"...meaning no intent...then they can't be considered a cheater? This lady got drunk and did something stupid and knows she did. I had a friend walk out of a bar one night, get into a scuffle and kick a guy in the head. The guy died...my friend has never gotten past this...is he a killer? Not really...he never wanted or intended to kill anyone...but he has killed. is he in prison? because that is the consequence for it, weather it was intentional or not. So what is her consequence? To keep quiet and think that guilt is her consequence? Sorry, but I think in no time she will be able to easily handle it. Is this woman a "cheater"...not in my view...she "cheated" and I don't think she will again as long as she doesn't drink any longer. because she blamed it on the booze.....and her coworker. if she ever drinks again, and especially if she gets hammered, she can't guarantee it won't happen again. chances are if she gets hammered it will happen again because that is what she becomes when she gets drunk....apparantly. ...and sometimes there is more at stake by coming clean than by letting it go. yes...the husband is just going to have to be kept in the dark and lied to. lucky him. Link to post Share on other sites
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