I am sick about this...

[Dexter Morgan]

Schewter: I am sorry about your friend - Thank you for sharing that - It really is a good example here.

I TOTALLY agree with your "greyer world" analogy. Too bad some do live in a all or nothing world. I think people like that miss out on a lot of what this world has to offer.

 

on the contrary, I avoid all the crap that comes with people that think cheating is all too forgivable and relationships should be preserved by continuing to lie to a so-called significant other or spouse.

 

Because of my experience and view i am not compatible with people that cheat, and more so those that cheat and want to get away with it.

 

I feel like I live because I live by the one strike and your out rule. I have had enough of the "grey world" where people think I should have been kept in the dark and that I should overlook one instance of cheating.

 

sorry, been there, done that...don't want any part of that "grey world". you cheat, your gone. Why would I settle for anything like that or less?

[z1850]

Has your husband always been faithful?

[Dexter Morgan]

You know Oz...what some want on here is the cheater to be punished...it has nothing to do with doing the right thing

 

this is where you clearly don't know what you are talking about. i was kept in the dark about what my xW did. She didn't have the guts to tell me...people around me let me go on and even marry her not knowing what she had done. And because she got away with it, she did it a couple more times.

 

Well guess what? I found out about it 8 years later....thats 8 years of my life I could have saved. 8 years of my life that was taken away from me.

 

I could have cared less what my xW paid for...all I knew was I was denied the choice to shape my life and make the most of what little years on this planet I have.

 

 

it is all about "you did something wrong and you need to suffer the consequences"...and I think that's pathetic.

 

no consequences, no lesson learned. just like a child. if a child gets away with bad behavior, the child knows they can get away with it again. Put the fear of their parents into them, and they'll think differently.

 

 

If I ever come off as that resentful, bitter, and miserable you have my permission to find me and put me out of my misery.

 

LOL, nice try with the little "bitter" comments. they are lame at best.

 

If I was bitter, i wouldn't care to be involved in relationships where I trust them upront(without trusting blindly). I wouldn't treat a current SO or a future SO any differently than I would have before being betrayed by a couple of women. Only difference would be that I won't tolerate cheating.

 

if thats bitter...so be it. not being played for a fool is important to me, don't see anything wrong with that.

 

and thats what this woman is doing...playing her husband for a fool by allowing him to go on with someone he doesn't know had a 3some, and with someone she will still have contact with at work.

 

but hey, if you really think that by telling her husband that I, we, whoever, wants her "punished", again, read my story above. think what you like.

but if you think its about punishment, then rejoice!! She is going to get away with it. So yes, PM, keep it from him, get away with it, and you will get over it in no time. You just dodge that bullet and keep your husband snowed.

[schewter]

<<with formed intent? so if someone cheats, and more than once, and the excuse is, "it just happened"...meaning no intent...then they can't be considered a cheater?>>

 

The fact that they are doing it more than once is pretty much indicative of intent.

 

<<is he in prison? because that is the consequence for it, weather it was intentional or not.

So what is her consequence? To keep quiet and think that guilt is her consequence? Sorry, but I think in no time she will be able to easily handle it.>>

 

He did his time...manslaughter.

So she needs a consequence? To be punished? That it? Maybe her consequence is to feel bad enough about it to share her story on an infidelity forum and have close-minded people call her a liar, and make her feel worse than she already feels.

 

<<as long as she doesn't drink any longer. because she blamed it on the booze.....and her coworker.

if she ever drinks again, and especially if she gets hammered, she can't guarantee it won't happen again. chances are if she gets hammered it will happen again because that is what she becomes when she gets drunk....apparantly.>>

 

You don't know enough about this woman to make those assumptions, judgements...and I already cleared up your assertion about what sahe blames it on. (see above)

 

<<yes...the husband is just going to have to be kept in the dark and lied to. lucky him.>>

 

And you sure as hell don't know her husband; how he'd react, etc...for all you know he might be the type who'd prefer NOT to know if it was truly an entirely isolated event.

[Dexter Morgan]

<<is he in prison? because that is the consequence for it, weather it was intentional or not.

So what is her consequence? To keep quiet and think that guilt is her consequence? Sorry, but I think in no time she will be able to easily handle it.>>

 

He did his time...manslaughter.

So she needs a consequence? To be punished? That it?

 

no, as in my case, her husband deserves to know how to choose what happens with his wife. If I had known when it happened, I could have saved precious years. her husband might choose to forgive and move on.

 

no, doesn't need to be punished, but she needs to have a consequence...and that consequence would be for her husband to lose trust in her until he decides whether she earned it back, or to move on.

 

no consequence, then the next time she gets sloshed, it just might "happen" again.

 

 

Maybe her consequence is to feel bad enough about it to share her story on an infidelity forum and have close-minded people call her a liar, and make her feel worse than she already feels.

 

sure, she can do that and get away with it at the same time. It'll work well for her.

 

 

<<as long as she doesn't drink any longer. because she blamed it on the booze.....and her coworker.

if she ever drinks again, and especially if she gets hammered, she can't guarantee it won't happen again. chances are if she gets hammered it will happen again because that is what she becomes when she gets drunk....apparantly.>>

 

You don't know enough about this woman to make those assumptions, judgements

 

I'm going by what she said. she said she didn't know what she was doing because of her drunken state. No assumptions about it...she said it herself.

 

 

...and I already cleared up your assertion about what sahe blames it on. (see above)

 

no, you didn't. feeling bad about what happened, while decent, does not clear up that she blamed it on being drunk and not knowing what she was doing and claiming she doesn't remember much. She was trying to excuse it away.

 

 

<<yes...the husband is just going to have to be kept in the dark and lied to. lucky him.>>

 

And you sure as hell don't know her husband; how he'd react, etc...for all you know he might be the type who'd prefer NOT to know if it was truly an entirely isolated event.

 

willful ignorance is pretty powerful eh?

 

sorry, people may say this on this board here and there, but I don't buy for a minute that anyone doesn't want to know if their partner is faithful or not.

[schewter]

Dexter...your story is bad and certainly explains why you come off soundig so bitter (to me anyway)...but your story is YOUR story...everybody elses is different and based on different dynamics and histories...you can't apply all your lessons learned to the situations of others. And for lots of people...the guilt and shame they feel for the things they do is punishment enough.

[Dexter Morgan]

And for lots of people...the guilt and shame they feel for the things they do is punishment enough.

 

ya, too bad they have an unsuspecting so-called loved one at home who will continue to be lied to.

[schewter]

<<I am so sick and ashamed of myself that I had to find somewhere to talk about it. I am a married mother of 3. my husband and I have been together for over 10yrs. This last weekend he went out with some friends visiting from out of town, so I went out with this single girl from my work (we co-manage a team together). Well I drank and drank and drank and don't remember much. I do know that I went with this girl from my work and a guy she met and pretty much had a threesome My stomache turns just typing it. I remember getting sick as we were doing things and then afterwards I could barely keep from vomitting. I love my husband and family to DEATH. I never go out with single people and always have married people whom I trust that I go out with. So I am so mad at myself that this happended! its SO out of my character!!! I almost feel like they know how messed up I was and used that to their advantage to, They knew what they were doing and I really did not I can't bear the thought of telling my husband and deystroying my marriage Please help me! I need advice. I dont need people yelling at me and telling me what a horrible person I am cause I am already at that point.>>

 

<<I'm going by what she said. she said she didn't know what she was doing because of her drunken state. No assumptions about it...she said it herself.>>

 

 

I don't see this statement anywhere in her story...and you don't twist or infer?

[Dexter Morgan]

they know how messed up I was and used that to their advantage to, They knew what they were doing and I really did not

[stuckinoz]

I'm curious Dex.

You keep saying over & over that she should tell her husband. He deserves to know - Just like YOU deserved to know years before you found out about your X's unfaithfulness.

 

What's to keep your current SO from cheating on you? AND if she did - How would you know? Do you trust her? I just wonder if you are capable of trusting anyone considering what happened to you.

I'm not saying everyone's a cheater - I'm just curious how you are SO exempt NOW in your life.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm curious Dex.

You keep saying over & over that she should tell her husband. He deserves to know - Just like YOU deserved to know years before you found out about your X's unfaithfulness.

 

What's to keep your current SO from cheating on you?

 

nothing

 

 

AND if she did - How would you know?

 

I wouldn't......but the truth eventually has a way of coming out. especially living in a small a town as mine. just too bad with my X it had to come out 8 years later.

 

 

Do you trust her?

 

sure I do. she hasn't given me a reason to believe otherwise. she doesn't go out and drink, doesn't club...has the same views as me.

 

doesn't mean it can't happen. I believe there are people like myself that will never cheat, and I'd like to think that someone I'm with is the same way, but I can only vouch for myself.

 

I trust until given a reason to not trust...and by trusting it doesn't mean "blind" trust. Doesn't mean I'm ok with her bar hopping and waltzing in at 3 or 4am.

 

 

I just wonder if you are capable of trusting anyone considering what happened to you.

 

absolutely!

 

 

I'm not saying everyone's a cheater - I'm just curious how you are SO exempt NOW in your life.

 

you assumed I feel exempt.....i don't...nobody is exempt. there are too many worthless people out there and you have to try your damdest to weed them out.

[schewter]

The fact that she is on here telling her story lets us know that she knows what happened...that she knows she let it happen...that she isn't blaming it all on outside forces and influences...but, in her mind, they were factors. I believe they were too...and I don't mind giving someone a break...nobody's perfect. She knows better than anyone on here what the price of disclosure will be. And no one on here knows any better than anyone else here what's right or wrong. Each situation is unique and every solution must be as well.

[schewter]

BTW Dexter...I hope the people who were around you and didn't let you know what your XW was up to are no longer around you. I certainly wouldn't leave a friend in the dark about this stuff.

[stuckinoz]

 

sure I do. she hasn't given me a reason to believe otherwise. she doesn't go out and drink, doesn't club...has the same views as me.

 

 

you assumed I feel exempt.....i don't...nobody is exempt. there are too many worthless people out there and you have to try your damdest to weed them out.

 

 

Just because she's not drinking & clubbing doesn't mean she can't cheat. Cheating during work hours, work emails, work IM's. Allegid shopping trips, golf outings, etc. Cheating is not just for the 'wild of the world' There are ways...if someone is determined.

 

I assume you think you are exempt- because of how you knock people down in here. You say things that are of a 'holier than thou' attitude.

 

Bottom line ..It could happen to you again! You are probably scared that it could. Otherwise why are you sticking around LS if your life now with your current SO is perfect.

[stuckinoz]

BTW Dexter...I hope the people who were around you and didn't let you know what your XW was up to are no longer around you. I certainly wouldn't leave a friend in the dark about this stuff.

 

 

OH YES....Small town - I would think some of your friends would have known. Did they? Did they tell you? or keep the information to themselves?

[Reggie]

Yes, but isn't it her husband's choice on the price to be paid? She is keeping him out of the loop and he should be able to decide if he wants to divorce. Is there really any real debate on whether the husband has the right to know?

[Dexter Morgan]

BTW Dexter...I hope the people who were around you and didn't let you know what your XW was up to are no longer around you. I certainly wouldn't leave a friend in the dark about this stuff.

 

those people aren't worth my time, seeing as how they allowed her to waste mine.

 

kind of a funny story. after the divorce I was celebrating with a bud at the local bar, because i was single and I can, and there are alot of people that are aquaintences that aren't exactly good friends of yours, but friends nonetheless.

 

I was not drunk, but feeling good, and a woman I knew started talking to me about my xW.

I told her it was my celebration night out and that there was to be no tainting of the evening by talking about the wench.

She said, "well i feel bad that she has done this to you a few times over the course of your marriage".....and I got that little light bulb go off in my buzzed head and asked...."what do you mean? you telling me you knew the whole time??"

 

she said that she and a few other people knew and it never got further than gossip a few times. I told her, "well thanks the hell alot for telling me about it!!!"

 

she said, "if I told you back then, would you have believed me".

 

My answer was "YES!! .....why would you have lied straight to my face about something so serious?"

 

LOL, I told her, "thats the funny thing about divorce, cheating, etc....you get to know who your friends are"

[confusedinkansas]

Yes, but isn't it her husband's choice on the price to be paid? She is keeping him out of the loop and he should be able to decide if he wants to divorce. Is there really any real debate on whether the husband has the right to know?

 

She gets to make the decision on whether her husband is told or not.

Not us here in LS.

And, Yep I'd debate it. I wouldn't tell him. It's not like she's gone out & made a decision to do this. It happened! SH*IT happens

[Dexter Morgan]

Just because she's not drinking & clubbing doesn't mean she can't cheat.

 

DUH!!!...but if they are drinking and clubbing...then the chances are much higher.

 

 

Cheating during work hours, work emails, work IM's. Allegid shopping trips, golf outings, etc. Cheating is not just for the 'wild of the world' There are ways...if someone is determined.

 

I know..my example was just but ONE example. Geez...can't highlight them all.

 

But to me, clubbing and drinking make for a condusive environment for cheating for people that have it in them to cheat in the first place.

 

 

I assume you think you are exempt- because of how you knock people down in here. You say things that are of a 'holier than thou' attitude.

 

assuming I think I'm exempt because of my view on cheating?...huh? I don't even know how you'd come to that assumption.

 

I don't see where despising cheating correlates to me thinking I'm exempt.

 

And holier than thou? It doesn't take a holier than thou attitude to despise people having sex with people other than their committed partner/spouse.

 

 

Bottom line ..It could happen to you again! You are probably scared that it could.

 

you are right, it can happen to me again....difference is, I can get rid of them and not look back. Sure, if cheated again, it would hurt for a very short bit, but the cheater would be history and no longer my problem.

 

 

Otherwise why are you sticking around LS if your life now with your current SO is perfect.

 

I came here when it was just happening. I stayed because I just couldn't believe some of the despicable stories I read.

 

And I am no in a relationship right now. The last person I was with I had to distance myself from because of a few unsavory comments she made.

 

As far as if I were to be in a relationship, the statement you made above with regards to a life being "perfect"...you can stop with the drama.

[Reggie]

Of course she can make this decision. But, it is not the right one, IMO. The booze is an excuse. She was aware of what was going on.

[Reggie]

I've dealt with many violent offenders who were under the influence of intooxicants. I am pretty sure that the intoxicant merely paved the way for behavior that they had a strong urge to participate in already.

[Dexter Morgan]

She gets to make the decision on whether her husband is told or not.

Not us here in LS.

And, Yep I'd debate it. I wouldn't tell him.

 

its a moot point...she won't tell him and she is getting away with it.....for now.

 

 

It's not like she's gone out & made a decision to do this.

 

wtf is a married woman doing going out and partying and getting drunk...much less with someone single?

 

 

It happened! SH*IT happens

 

wrong....sh#t doesn't just happen. choices were made. she made the choice to go out and get soused with a single floosy...she made the decision to go wherever it was that this floosy and a single guy went so all 3 of them could have sex....it didn't "just happen"...she CHOSE to do it.

 

sh#t happening would be she was out drinking and a freakin' mirror ball fell on her head.

[Dexter Morgan]

bottom line, I feel bad for this unsuspecting husband.

[wuggle]

bottom line, I feel bad for this unsuspecting husband.

 

I feel sorry for both of them. the OP f*cked up, she obviously knows that and doesn't really need beating up about it anymore, surely she is doing enough of that herself.

[schewter]

"I've dealt with many violent offenders who were under the influence of intooxicants. I am pretty sure that the intoxicant merely paved the way for behavior that they had a strong urge to participate in already."

 

So have I...and I am pretty sure I've seen people do things and have done things myself that I had no desire to do sober. Things that have negatively affected my life in big and long-lasting ways. When your judgement is lost you are capable of all kinds of uncharacteristic behaviour.