schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 A married woman isn't allowed to go out and get drunk without her husband?? Maybe in Afghanistan. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 A married woman SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without her husband. A married man SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without his wife. Either circumstance sets the stage for exactly what happened in this thread. Excessive drinking absolutely sets the stage for poor choices...this isn't rocket science. Its got nothing to do with Afghanistan, nor the dark ages. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 A married woman SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without her husband. A married man SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without his wife. Either circumstance sets the stage for exactly what happened in this thread. Excessive drinking absolutely sets the stage for poor choices...this isn't rocket science. Its got nothing to do with Afghanistan, nor the dark ages. So you are saying your spouse needs to be by your side to be your parent and babysit? I don't agree with that. My philosophy is to give them as much rope as they want, if they want to hang themselves with it so be it. My wife is the first to admit that she would never have a collar around me. I often go out to meet friends at a local bar. Do I get drunk at times without her? Yep. The place is a few blocks away. Have I done anything to jeopardize the marrage while I was drunk? Nope. Alcohol does impair your judgement but it doesn't make decisions for you. Morals are what you do without your partner being there. As for the OP it seems like you are not taking full reponsbility of what you did, you are making excuses on the booze and how your friends 'duped' you into doing this. Yet during the act you felt 'wrong' about it and didn't stop it? If you felt so guilty when it was happening common sense would tell you to take action and let those two finish it out on their own. Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 A married woman SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without her husband. A married man SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without his wife. Either circumstance sets the stage for exactly what happened in this thread. Excessive drinking absolutely sets the stage for poor choices...this isn't rocket science. Its got nothing to do with Afghanistan, nor the dark ages. WOW sounds very 3rd world to me!! So you are saying your spouse needs to be by your side to be your parent and babysit? Exactly..........Is that what you think married folks should do? That is a bunch of HOOIE!!! Spouses babysitting spouses...What's Next (eyes rolling) Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 <<A married woman SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without her husband. A married man SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without his wife. Either circumstance sets the stage for exactly what happened in this thread. Excessive drinking absolutely sets the stage for poor choices...this isn't rocket science. Its got nothing to do with Afghanistan, nor the dark ages.>> Ridiculous...controlling...etc. If it gets to this point I don't think I'd even want to be married...why bother? Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Alcohol does impair your judgement but it doesn't make decisions for you. Morals are what you do without your partner being there. I agree. I have gone out with my girlfriends over the years (as has my husband with his "posse") to bars, had too much to drink and not needed a babysitter or guard. While I certainly do agree that alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment, I can say from my own experience that it doesn't "make" you do anything. My husband knows (as do I about him) that if I go out with the girls for a night of fun at a bar, yep, there'll be drinking & talking too loud & laughing like a bunch of idiots, but there will not be infidelity. I don't happen to be one of those who subscribes to the theory that going out to a bar automatically makes ones clothes fall off. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 A married woman isn't allowed to go out and get drunk without her husband?? Maybe in Afghanistan. oh no, she is allowed...she is a free woman that can do whatever she wants. but she clearly has proven she can't handle the situation and it wouldn't be unreasonable, IF the husband knew, that the husband would request that type of activity stop IF she wants to keep the marriage. she should want to stop of her own free will if she isn't going to tell her husband the truth....and if she doesn't, then its clear to see why she wound up having sex with 2 people.....she wouldn't respect her husband enough to stop the very behaviors that lead her to cheating in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Ridiculous...controlling...etc. If it gets to this point I don't think I'd even want to be married...why bother? nothing controlling about it....if a husband/wife trusts their spouse to go out and have fun, even in a setting that is questionable....and said spouse proves they can't be trusted, then it isn't unreasonable, IF the cheater decides they want to keep their spouse, for the betrayed spouse to expect the other spouse to act like....well.....a spouse. once a spouse has proven they can't handle certain interactions that led to their cheating, its not unreasonable THEN for the BS to expect certain behaviors to change. If cheating spouse doesn't want to change, then they can get the hell out of the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 That is a bunch of HOOIE!!! Spouses babysitting spouses...What's Next (eyes rolling) well apparantly, OP needed a babysitter. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I feel sorry for both of them. the OP f*cked up, she obviously knows that and doesn't really need beating up about it anymore, surely she is doing enough of that herself. yup, beat up enough I suppose. So now, prttymarie, since you say you love your husband and don't want to lose your family are you willing to: 1) quit drinking and partying altogether? AND 2) start looking for another job since it would be disrespectful to you unsuspecting husband to stay in ANY kind of contact with this coworker of your that you slept with? Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Owl Said: <<A married woman SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without her husband. A married man SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without his wife.>> My interpretation of this statement is that it is pertaining to married couples in general...not cheaters...just married couples...in that context I responded "Ridiculous...controlling...etc. If it gets to this point I don't think I'd even want to be married...why bother?" I stand by that response. Link to post Share on other sites
dobler33 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 that poor kid got completely scared off by the nasty invective being thrown at her. that helped her out a whole lot, didn't it? if you're still reading this, PM, i wonder if you've put any thought to the comments about unconsentual sex some folks have made? it sounded to me like you did feel really violated and dirty. those are common feelings after rape. and yes, even if you are outwardly participating, it can still be considered coercive under certain circumstances. can you share with me a little more about what you remember feeling during the event? and don't be too worried about the poopyheads (my niece's word. i find it almost universally apropos.). i'm concerned that there might be some victim blaming going on here and i'd love to hear some of your feelings on the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Dobie, Your point is well taken. If this can be construed as a case of "date rape", or coercive sex, then Pm needs to tell her husband . She will need all of his love, support and guidance, to get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
dobler33 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Dobie, Your point is well taken. If this can be construed as a case of "date rape", or coercive sex, then Pm needs to tell her husband . She will need all of his love, support and guidance, to get through this. agreed. my fear is that, if it was indeed a case of coercive or unconsentual sex, she will have been so traumatized by the beating she got here that she'll never tell him or get any kind of help at all. i have worked with women who were survivors of these kinds of muddy sexual assaults - where the victim is drunk or drugged, where some kind of psychological coersion takes place, where a drastically unequal power dynamic is at play but where she still in some way participates and is only able to work out later that she did so against her will. this kind of rape is almost more difficult to recover from, primarily because the survivor tells herself exactly what folks on this board have been telling PM - you must have wanted it, you should have known better, you were asking for it, you've hurt other people by allowing this to happen to you. this is the most common kind of case that ends up in a) drug abuse, b) sexually risky behaviors and c) suicide. i'm concerned that the abusive and condemning comments on this thread could possibly have pushed our girl over the edge. so, PM, if you're out there can you give a little shout-out to let me know you're ok? i can't help but worry - i'm a bred-in-the-bone therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prttymarie Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Well I am glad some people understood what I was trying to say and actually LISTENED TO WHAT i SAID. Dexter, you are a angry, mean person and may as well not bother posting on this, cause if I see a post from you, I will move right on to the next. To everyone else.. What I did was STUPID, It was my fau lt for drinking like and idiot and allowing myself to get past the point where I can only remember bits and pieces of a night that I wish would have NEVER happen. The disgust I have for myself, I cannot put in words, and when I have on here, people take it the wrong way and ASSUME I am trying to make excuses. I love my husband. I have not yet made up on my mind on not telling him. NONE of you know the heartbreak it will bring my family because its MY family. its my childrens faces I have to see broken and torn by something I DID I spoke with a pastor today and confessed what I had done. He told me that once I confessed and asked for God's forgiveness that it was washed away.. BUT that I did need to tell my husband. So I still am unsure.. I am taking my Pastors advice and PRAYING.. thats all i can do right now. I will NOT be going out without my husband, and have no desire to go to any bar scene EVER again. I am still sick and disgusted with myself! I don't think anyone knows how I feel, I believe some of you can relate and offer your advise, but some of you are just on here to rip me a new ass and I am doing that on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Owl Said: <<A married woman SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without her husband. A married man SHOULD NOT go out and get drunk without his wife.>> My interpretation of this statement is that it is pertaining to married couples in general...not cheaters...just married couples...in that context I responded "Ridiculous...controlling...etc. If it gets to this point I don't think I'd even want to be married...why bother?" I stand by that response. Sorry have to agree with Owl on this one. It's not about control, it's about respect. I would not be respectful of my wife if I went out with the guys, got sloshed, and coralled with other women. In the other sense my wife wouldn't be respectful of me if she were out with her friends, doing the same with other guys. This thread is a perfect example of what happens when someone is out partying, drinking, without their partner, and gets involved in something they shouldn't. If the husband was around, it's probably a good bet this event would have never happened. Link to post Share on other sites
dobler33 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Sorry have to agree with Owl on this one. It's not about control, it's about respect. I would not be respectful of my wife if I went out with the guys, got sloshed, and coralled with other women. In the other sense my wife wouldn't be respectful of me if she were out with her friends, doing the same with other guys. This thread is a perfect example of what happens when someone is out partying, drinking, without their partner, and gets involved in something they shouldn't. If the husband was around, it's probably a good bet this event would have never happened. this post is exactly what i'm talking about. this woman may well be a victim of a sexual assault and you are sh*tting all over her. quit it. it's obvious she feels disgusting and dirty. and you're telling her that's what happens when she goes out with friends instead of her husband? what if the same woman had described the exact same event and said "i survived a sexual assault and this was what happened." would you tell her she was asking for it?????????? PM, i'm glad you're getting help and support. but i do encourage you to give yourself permission to think about what parts of this you might NOT have had control over. just food for thought, and maybe food for forgiveness. much love to you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
RunawayTrain Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Wow PrettyMarie. You sure got yourself into some predicament. Let me start off my telling you that I am not judging you perse, I am just expressing my opinion and advice based on my life experiences. With that being said I want to start off my saying that I have read countless DexterMorgan posts and he is not a bad guy. He, like I and many other posters have been victims of cheaters and have experienced the after effects of the gutwrenching situation to follow. So Dexter speaks his mind but his words emanate from his soul, because he has experienced the pain and suffering that you possible could cause your husband and family. Also, people who often cheat do so in various patterns and when you are cheated on enough often and a victim of infidelity, the excuses and verbiage used to describe their actions are often easy to spot. I know you made a terrible mistake and I am sure you are paying for it in my your mind, body, and soul. Like other posters, I am not going to argue the semantics of your cheating. You cheated, plain and simple. There are two very important things you need to accomplish in your life that will set you free: a.) get tested for STDs b.) muster of the courage to tell your husband. As a man as your husband, he deserves that respect of knowing. It will be hard however you might be shocked at his response, maybe you anticipate he will leave you but maybe he will stay. You must tell him though if you want to find peace within yourself and being the recovery process. I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Glad you're still with us PM...it aint the end of the world and things will come around for you. Best thing you can do for your family is take care of yourself. I aint a believer but I believe in finding strength where you can. Ministers are good counsel but the direction you take is between you and your concience after weighing all the probable outcomes...you're the only one on here who truly knows yourself and the significant people in YOUR life. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Sorry have to agree with Owl on this one. It's not about control, it's about respect. I would not be respectful of my wife if I went out with the guys, got sloshed, and coralled with other women. In the other sense my wife wouldn't be respectful of me if she were out with her friends, doing the same with other guys. This thread is a perfect example of what happens when someone is out partying, drinking, without their partner, and gets involved in something they shouldn't. If the husband was around, it's probably a good bet this event would have never happened. Who said anything about corralling with members of the opposite sex? Where do you live? You think the only thing goes on in bars is hooking up? Jeeze...go out and have a look. I've been out a thousand times in my marriage and never "corralled" with women...my wife has been out with the girls lots as well and didn't corrall with men...good god. Where do you folks come from? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Well I am glad some people understood what I was trying to say and actually LISTENED TO WHAT i SAID. Dexter, you are a angry, mean person and may as well not bother posting on this, cause if I see a post from you, I will move right on to the next. To everyone else.. What I did was STUPID, It was my fau lt for drinking like and idiot and allowing myself to get past the point where I can only remember bits and pieces of a night that I wish would have NEVER happen. The disgust I have for myself, I cannot put in words, and when I have on here, people take it the wrong way and ASSUME I am trying to make excuses. I love my husband. I have not yet made up on my mind on not telling him. NONE of you know the heartbreak it will bring my family because its MY family. its my childrens faces I have to see broken and torn by something I DID I spoke with a pastor today and confessed what I had done. He told me that once I confessed and asked for God's forgiveness that it was washed away.. BUT that I did need to tell my husband. So I still am unsure.. I am taking my Pastors advice and PRAYING.. thats all i can do right now. I will NOT be going out without my husband, and have no desire to go to any bar scene EVER again. I am still sick and disgusted with myself! I don't think anyone knows how I feel, I believe some of you can relate and offer your advise, but some of you are just on here to rip me a new ass and I am doing that on my own. Your Pastor was correct and seemed to be supportive of helping you keep your family intact. Prayer is sometimes the only thing that can move us in the direction that we need to go. Have you made an appointment to be tested yet? It is necessary for peace of mind. You have to decide when to drop the last burden. I see in your words you are going to tell your H. Once you have, another weight will be lifted. I understand praying for strength, courage and guidance. It is frightening stepping into our own mess. It is overwhelming and the possible outcomes are like a wave crashing over us. Believe me when I say, you can wade through this with God's help and the support of family, clergy and a good therapist. My gut says your situation is different. I don't know why, but something feels really wrong. I wish you had gone to the hospital right away. Keep praying and if you would like some spiritual support, I am here. Link to post Share on other sites
schewter Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Y'know, I'd like to see the marriage vows that some on here would write if given a free hand; "Do you promise to only drink in the company of your mate, to wear a beeper as well as GPS system, to not spend any time with single friends, etc. etc. etc....that aint a marriage, that's lock-down. Link to post Share on other sites
dobler33 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Who said anything about corralling with members of the opposite sex? Where do you live? You think the only thing goes on in bars is hooking up? Jeeze...go out and have a look. I've been out a thousand times in my marriage and never "corralled" with women...my wife has been out with the girls lots as well and didn't corrall with men...good god. Where do you folks come from? yeah, i was skeptical of this too, schewter. i keep wanting to say that i go out w/out my H all the time w friends, male and female, and have never hooked up or done anything inappropriate at any time during such drunken activities. i hesitated because i am a former WS, so i assumed that poopyheads (i'm totally sticking w that one from now on) would come roaring in saying "well, you cheated anyway, so your statements are invalid" or some such pap. but then i realized that my A started and stayed stone cold sober. so phhlbhht. going out on the p*ss w friends of any gender is really not the problem here, unless the person in question is already a reprobate, which i think we can all (well, mostly all) agree that PM is not. Link to post Share on other sites
dobler33 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 My gut says your situation is different. I don't know why, but something feels really wrong. I wish you had gone to the hospital right away. Keep praying and if you would like some spiritual support, I am here. me too, bent, and it worries me. i'm not sure if your pastor is going to be asking you questions about the possibility of coersion. please keep posting so we know how you are. Link to post Share on other sites
RunawayTrain Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 PrettyMaries situation is the perfect reason why I feel it is disrespectful to bar hop club without your significant other. Alcohol in the presense of any social environment is a recipe for disaster. Many times its not your behavior thats the problem its the behavior of the people around you. I have many negative things happen similar to this. Link to post Share on other sites
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