Reggie Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Thank you ,Dobie. You don't mind if I call you "Dobie", do you? So, when are you and Dexter going to have a fistfight? Can I watch? Get a room. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 ... I meet with a therapist on Monday.. Please keep me and my family in your prayer.. I'm glad to hear this, PM... I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Reg, I already have several. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Reg, I already have several. I'll bring the popcorn and monkeys. Link to post Share on other sites
dobler33 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 I'll bring the popcorn and monkeys. monkeys are fine but i prefer jellybeans to popcorn. Link to post Share on other sites
dobler33 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Hello all, I am still tryin to hang in there.. I am nauseated 24/7, feel dirty and ashamed.. hate myself.. I feel in a bad, dark place and it scares me.. I am praying A LOT for the Lords strength!!! I called a testing center today, and they said I have to wait 2wks before the test results would be correct. So I am going to hold from any contact with my husband until then as well. I have not been to work, so I plan on calling my co worker some time this week and talking about things in more depth.. the last time I spoke to her, she could hardly recall much either so I don't know how far we will get. I am going to the doc today to see about getting a drug screening.. I don't know that anything will show up because of the length of time and I meet with a therapist on Monday.. Please keep me and my family in your prayer.. I am so scared and alone and hate what I have done. I pray for the Lord to show me the timing to talk to my hubb.. He has some emotional issues (anger, depression) and just this year we starting doing really well in our marriage again, so I feel telling him so soon will put him back in his dark place (he has threatened suicide with gun) so I am really scared!! I know God is in control and it will all work out, so I am just praying I will hear him speak to me when the timing is right. I plan on having support there, so I pray it will go well.... Thank you for your guys's advice.. Like I said before, maybe I can't prosecute rape, because I cant say if I said yes or no in getting there, but I know when I said NO things still happen so I kmow I was taken advantage of. its a double edged sword for me and I hate that I am here ok, honey, now i'm worried about the possibility of violence from your husband. is this something that's happened in the past? do you have someplace safe to go if he becomes aggressive? i am glad that you have the support of your church but it breaks my heart to continue hearing things like "i am so scared and alone and hate what i have done", because the more i hear the more convinced i am that you were a victim of sexual assault, in which case the feeling that you have "done" anything is going to be very hurtful to you in the long run. i hear a lot of pain and fear in your words and i would definitely consult w your support network before telling your husband, having heard that he has a history of violence suicidality. as a therapist these are all big red flags to me and i'm concerned for your safety. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prttymarie Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 Well he has a history of depression... and in Dec of 08 we got into a big argument over the phone and he had an emotional breakdown and told me he was done and he had a gun and I had to drive home and get the gun from him.. We took the guns out of the house up until recently... I am going to remove them again, when I know the timing is right to talk to him. I am fearful. but know its in gods hands. I still feel so much shame because I allowed myselft to get to that point, and even though I do believe i was taken advantage of, I am still so ashamed, and don't know that he will see it any other way than cheating... I do feel I may have been given something, but when I went to get a test today, they said anything would be out of my system by now, and that I should have gone to the ER right after . All I can do is pray, and find strength in knowing God will not give me more than I can bear. I love him deeply. and can't imagine our life after telling him this.... Link to post Share on other sites
dobler33 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Well he has a history of depression... and in Dec of 08 we got into a big argument over the phone and he had an emotional breakdown and told me he was done and he had a gun and I had to drive home and get the gun from him.. We took the guns out of the house up until recently... I am going to remove them again, when I know the timing is right to talk to him. I am fearful. but know its in gods hands. I still feel so much shame because I allowed myselft to get to that point, and even though I do believe i was taken advantage of, I am still so ashamed, and don't know that he will see it any other way than cheating... I do feel I may have been given something, but when I went to get a test today, they said anything would be out of my system by now, and that I should have gone to the ER right after . All I can do is pray, and find strength in knowing God will not give me more than I can bear. I love him deeply. and can't imagine our life after telling him this.... do you feel there is any possibility that he will empathize with the fact that you were a victim of sexual assault? i'm sure it would help you heal from this trauma if he was supportive and loving, maybe even protective and comforting to you. it breaks my heart to think that you will have to face judgement and possibly even violence from your husband when it seems so clear that you are already traumatized by this event. as your husband it is his duty to help you recover, not be devastated by an imagined insult to his pride. i'm sending both of you lots of strength and love. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Just a word of advice, before calling rape make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Do not call it just to cover yourself, if you really think you were raped then go to the police immediately, but if you are doing it to relieve the guilt then never bring it up again. Rape is a serious thing. good luck and I hope it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 do you feel there is any possibility that he will empathize with the fact that you were a victim of sexual assault? i'm sure it would help you heal from this trauma if he was supportive and loving, maybe even protective and comforting to you. it breaks my heart to think that you will have to face judgement and possibly even violence from your husband when it seems so clear that you are already traumatized by this event. as your husband it is his duty to help you recover, not be devastated by an imagined insult to his pride. i'm sending both of you lots of strength and love. Now it's a fact that she was sexually assaulted? Wanna buy a bridge in brooklyn? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 REg,This is clearly a case of impaired judgement. It could also be criminal sexual conduct. If PM said No and the man continued, it is a coercive act. If PM said no and the co-worker heard her say it, then it could be 1st degree CSC. If your partner says No , you must not proceed. This is an established principle. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I agree, bold, but the key here is the use of "if". Nothing has been established as a "fact". No way would this story stand up in court or when scrutinized unless there is a lot more evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
dobler33 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I agree, bold, but the key here is the use of "if". Nothing has been established as a "fact". No way would this story stand up in court or when scrutinized unless there is a lot more evidence. well, all we have here as "fact" is what PM has told us, and she has made several mentions of saying no and the guy continuing the act. that's enough for me to refer to rape counseling, both as a clinician and as a human being. she has made it clear that she doesn't intend to prosecute, so what we're dealing with here are mental health issues, and i will continue to assert that i've seen enough red flags to at least have to rule out rape. my gut says it's much more certain than that, based on professional experience and training. but for the sake of parity i'll stick with a rule out. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 well, all we have here as "fact" is what PM has told us, and she has made several mentions of saying no and the guy continuing the act. that's enough for me to refer to rape counseling, both as a clinician and as a human being. she has made it clear that she doesn't intend to prosecute, so what we're dealing with here are mental health issues, and i will continue to assert that i've seen enough red flags to at least have to rule out rape. my gut says it's much more certain than that, based on professional experience and training. but for the sake of parity i'll stick with a rule out. I could be wrong but I thought she posted that she said yes but then when he started something she didn't like she stopped it and left. I think she even said something about knowing she should have said no but she guess's she said yes. She said something about feeling pressured to say yes.Then after they were doing things she told him not to do something but he tried anyway so she left. To charge with rape you have to A)be sure you were raped B) have a case I don't want to discourage her if she was raped but judging by the post it seems like she goes from being drunk, she even explained how she had like 15 shots to being possibly drugged and raped. Rape is not regret, you have to be very clear on this. To the op sit down and think about what happen, not what could have. If you were raped call the police. The more time you waste the less of a case you have. But if this is just regret for what you have done do not even consider throwing the rape charge out. That would make it 100X worse. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I see red flags, as well , dobler. But, they are flags that call into question her story. I've had some expierience in this area, as well. Believe me, winning this case from a defense perspective would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Reg, This isn't really about whether or not she can win a case, because clearly, too much time has passed for there to any chance to win , if prosecuted. It's more about PM dealing with this heinous act, and helping her and her family deal with the aftermath. I suppose that a civil case could be made, especially if PM's co-worker also feels the same, and would be willing to testify. I have been told that these type of "date-rape", incidents are very hard to prove. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Bold, I know, the odds of success at trial are not determinative re whether it actually happened. I am not saying it did not. But, you have to admit, saying it is a fact that it happened is not realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Reg, perception is reality, in most peoples' minds.. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 This happened to a friend of mine. She went to a bar, had maybe two drinks. Then she felt way DRUNK. She tried to find her boyfriend in the bar, and her last memory was being turned away by the bouncer. She woke up in another man's bed. And I will NEVER forget the look on her face when she told me, "I would never, EVER touch that man, NEVER." She drove home in a haze, wondering what had happened to her. She too felt disgusting and nasty. I told her to go to the hospital for a rape kit and a test. She did indeed have rohypnol in her system, but she had taken a shower and washed away the evidence. But she did file a police report. PMs posts make me think of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author prttymarie Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 Well I know I had more than two drinks, but not as much as I orginally thought. My sister said my tab was only 50.00 (she works there) so there is NO way I got as gone as I did on 50.00 between two people! I am not claiming rape. Like I have said over and over on my posts, I have no DAMN idea WHAT I said. All I know is what I came to, things were already happening.. then he tried something, I said NO and he kept going, it hurt and thats when I got up and left. I did try to get a screening done, but the doc said it would be long gone from my system I still don't know how to approach this with H. I am still praying hard. and reminding myself that I am forgiven and now need to work on things with myself and H and fam.... Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 If it was rape - & you're starting to post like you may think it is too......What is the huge deal about telling your husband? Don't you think he of all people should know you've been raped? Don't you think he'd want to support you? The more & more people post here it really does sound like rape is a DEFINITE possibility. What are you SO afraid of? Link to post Share on other sites
Author prttymarie Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 That H won't see it that way.. he will not think I was that gone, that I had to have said yes to something.. he has big anger and emotional issues (read previous posts) so he usually will get really upset about things before he has any type of compassion, and thats what scares me.... I don't want things to get out of hand. So I think I may need other parties involved to keep it calm. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 PM, know that most poster's in this forum are dealing with the pain of infidelity and will hold to the notion that you are "dyed in the wool" cheater like grim death. Know also that it is many a man's "Penthouse" fantasy to be able to walk into a bar, meet random and beautiful women to woo them into bed for fun and frolics. I have to reiterate though that the likelihood of this happenstance occurring when all parties are of sound mind and judgement is nil next to nothing. You were easy to spot by anyone of predatory mind just by the careless way you held your drink and the apparent naivete' you exhibited in trusting complete strangers. Once this guy saw that you were'nt going to bat him away like the barfly he is he pursued the evening with the single minded focus of incapacitating you and your co-worker to increase your pliablity for further suggestion. If he perceived no objections to his lewd suggestion in the state you were in he rationalized that as a sign of your acquiesence and wasn't above introducing a "cocktail" of his own to insure and maintain control over you getting there. From what I understand, rohypnol is fairly easy to acquire so your being drugged that evening doesn't stretch the imagination. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Pm. Most of the posters here are really trying to help you. Some, who prefer to "bash", are trying to assign blame. In a public forum, you need to look at the posts, take what advice applies to your situation, and discard or ignore the rest. You should try to talk to your co-worker as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more chance your H will begin to hear rumors about this. Get with your Pastor and trusted family members and discus a strategy for telling your H, in such a way as to insure that H will realize that this was not a voluntary act, so that your H can support you and help with your recovery. I'm still thinking about you......Jack Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Stuckinoz, this isn't like telling about a parking ticket. This woman was coerced into a sexual act. Besides her H and his anger issues, did you ever think that maybe it's kind of hard to discus such a traumatic event? Jeez!! Link to post Share on other sites
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