I am sick about this...

[confusedinkansas]

I have already vowed I will no longer go out without my husband..

 

How does that change things?

 

REALLY? You don't think that if she's out with her husband that this would happen again. Highly Doubtful!!

[stuckinoz]

its not at all extreme seeing as how she is blaming alcohol for her cheating.

 

Lets put it this way....what would you say if she did tell her husband what happened...and lets say he forgave her, but said if he ever catches her drinking again, even a sip, that she is showing him that she doesn't give a crap since asking someone to give up drinking all together isn't much to ask...and that if she does, she is history?

 

If I had cheated on someone and they said they forgave me, but that if I ever took another sip again, it was over....I'd be like "NO PROBLEM"...IF in fact I wanted to be in that relationship.

 

There are an awful lot of WHAT IF's in that scenario. Ones that probably won't happen. We don't know. I still think she shouldn't tell & should move past this & learn from the mistake.Get counseling if you think it'll help & try to move past it. It isn't the end of the world. But that's just my opinion.

[Snowflower]

As a result of his drunk ONS, my husband willingly agreed to give up the partying and bar-hopping. This was never a huge issue for him, even long before. He wasn't even a big drinker...but he still got drunk that night.

 

He agreed to give up the drinking, except when he is with me. Since he was never a big drinker to begin with, this has not been a problem. He admits that he doesn't even want to drink more than an occasional beer now, even with me. I've noticed he has mostly lost what taste he had for alcohol now.

 

OP, I agree that you need to give up the drinking-not because you necessarily have any type of problem with it. However, you need to make this promise not to drink- to yourself and to your husband-whether you tell him or not.

[schewter]

"It seems fairly obvious to me that she is lying about events of the night, what she remembers etc (to us and more importantly herself), how many people tell the truth straight out first off in cases like this?"

 

On an anomynous message board...why would you lie?

 

 

"I don't see any good reason to keep going over whether or not she is telling the truth , let's all assume she isn't."

 

Lets not ASSUME anything...seems to be a lot of that going on here already.

[bentnotbroken]

OP what kind of marriage will you have if you don't come clean to your H? The kind built on honesty and respect or the kind where your H is tricked into being with you because he doesn't have all the pieces of the puzzle. He isn't making an informed choice to love you and forgive you on his own. He is being forced to love you because of an omission.

 

What will you do when he finds out, they always do eventually. I didn't find out about some of Mr. Messy's affairs until 15 years after the fact. They were long over, the women long gone and yet I found out. It added to my distrust and anger. He had over 15 years to tell me the truth, 15 years to do the right thing. Instead he chose to keep it to himself. And because he "got away with it" he did it again and again. His rational was that if I didn't find out about 1(then 2, then 3, etc)I wouldn't find out about the others.

 

You want to know what I saw when I found out. I saw someone I didn't know. I felt as if years of my life had been stolen. I felt like my health had been put at risk and no one saw fit to warn me so I could be tested and protect myself. I felt that if he could lie to my face about my own health and what he was doing, what else would he do. Would he eventually hurt my kids to cover his own azz?(the answer to that was yes, he lied on them and accused them of betraying him by telling me what they knew). You have an opportunity to do the right thing. You have the opportunity not to compound your poor decision by adding lying and hiding to that choice. You have the opportunity to show your H the remorse you say you feel here(I believe you truly are). But if you do the easy thing and leave him in the dark, it says more about your character willing to tell a bunch of strangers what you have done and how sorry you are, than the man you professed to love.

 

Typically the people that you hear say don't tell is because they themselves are covering their mess with sand too. It doesn't always get rid of the stench and it tends to add to the accumulation of things you want to forget. One lie will need another and another to stay hidden.

[schewter]

I fully realize that all humans can and do appreciate the looks of others.

 

I find other women attractive, any SO of mine finds other men attractive.

 

Difference is, I don't want them, I want my attractive SO. And even when to the point of passing out, I know to stay away from cheating.

 

And I haven't been that sloshed in years and when I was, I was young and still knew enough not to cheat when drunk.

 

The drinking and not remembering excuse doesn't fly with me.

 

People do more than find members of the opposite sex attractive Dexter, they have downright lustful feelings for some...that is not a betrayal. People even fantasize about being with people of the opposite sex...that is not a betrayal either...we are all human. You may be different...

And again, this lady never said she didn't remember anything; in fact, I think she wishes she didn't remember anything...I don't use the alcohol made me do it excuse because I ultimately make the decision to drink but I safe guard myself in the fidelity arena by NOT going out drinking with single women or without my wife in tow...however, if you believe this woman (and I do) the night didn't start out with the lad involved...he shoewed up later. She did wrong and she admits it and feels adequately bad about it but nobody on here knows enough about HER or her lifestyle to judge.

[tami-chan]

I have already vowed I will no longer go out without my husband.. despite what some of you are stating, I DO not remember EVERYTHING, I do remember some bits and pieces and things that I do remember I wish I didn't. I have tremendous guilt. But knowing my husband as I do, this would crush him and our marriage and no good would come out of telling him, If I tell him, it will result in a divorce.. this was the FIRST time I have EVER done this type of thing, I have NEVER had those types of desires, I know its because I was with single people whom dont care for what a marriage stands for, and because I was so drunk, I didnt stop and think like I should have.. Yes him leaving would be a consequence for my stupidity, but I also have 3 young children to think about. I was NOT in a sober frame of mind, I was careless, stupid and selfish. This I KNOW! I will not be drinking or going out with anyone unless my husband is there. He means TO much to even leave a POSSIBLITY of this happening again. I have prayed, I know God forgives me. I don't forgive myself yet.. But I know I can take the feelings I have and focus them on giving all I can to my hubby and family and being all I can be for them.

 

 

Dexter Morgan, have you read the above post from OP? would that satisfy your repeated badgering of her not to ever drink and/or hang-out with "the huss" again?

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

So OP, it is good you realized the wrong you have done and you are not ever going to put yourself in that situation ever again. If in the future somebody invites you to go out drinking again, remember the feeling you have right now-the disgust, the shame, the fear....it is not worth it.

 

Alcohol is a drug, as we all know...and it alters the mind-to what extent, depends largely on how much was consumed, your body weight, how much you have eaten, your emotional state, etc. Too many things to factor in-I don't drink nor smoke...but I do know that drugs (including alcohol) allow you to act on things that seem inconceivable when you are in your normal state of mind.

 

As to whether to tell your husband or not....you are the only one who knows how your husband will react, if hiding the truth will not eat you from the inside..then don't tell. If it will, then come clean and tell your husband-exactly how you shared your story here-with humility, be contrite. Allow him to respond the way he chooses to and acknowledge his feelings about it. However, this is something that can be forgiven and worked on. Do not allow him to use this as a weapon against you in the future.

[Untouchable_Fire]

REALLY? You don't think that if she's out with her husband that this would happen again. Highly Doubtful!!

 

It doesn't change what was done.

 

If she chooses to only go out with her husband for the rest of her life... that still does not erase the fact that she is untrustworthy going out alone.

 

I've been through this... I know the drill. Right now it's all remorse and shame, later it becomes "Whew I got away with it"... then it fades into distant memory. At that point you either begin putting yourself in bad situations as before (like I did), Somehow your SO finds out, or you continue pretending it didn't happen as it eats away your guts.

[Jilly Bean]

Marie - do you think you were perhaps slipped something? Or, was all of this just the result of binge drinking?

 

I feel horribly for you. Your remorse is palpable, and I hope you get to a point of reconciling this.

[Untouchable_Fire]

. I have prayed, I know God forgives me. I don't forgive myself yet..

 

In addition:

 

I don't know what religion you follow, but in the Judeo-Christian faith God only forgives those who repent. True repentance should require honesty with your husband.

 

Now, I can't speak for God and say you are or are not forgiven, but I can say that based on scripture... you have to take some steps to repent first.

 

I think forgiving yourself will only come once you are held accountable in some way. That was how it was for me. Until I felt as though I had done something to make up for what I had done, I was unable to forgive myself.

[lkjh]

If you can't be honest with your H then you can not say that you love him. You also ca not say those single people have no respect for marriage when you don't either. Your story sounds sad but the fact that you refuse to tell him the truth makes me feel like you are selfish. I don't buy the being drunk excuse, you remember some very specific details about the evening. I doubt this entire thing just happen, there had to parts that led up to it. Its not like you all just ended up at a house and then just ended up sleeping together.

 

If you don't tell, he will find out. Then you will see how dirty this will get

[prttymarie]

Well I can't say I have my mind made up.. everyone's opinion is different.. bottom line is it is our marriage. and I am the one that has to decide which way to go, and it is in NO way easy. Feeling as guilty, ashamed and sickened as I do is hard enough....I can't see any option that is the "easy" way out as some have put it.. cause nothing about this situation I was stupid enough to get into is EASY! Despite what any of you say, I love this man dearly!!!! I worry IMMENSLEY about my childrens lives that I have put in jeapordy and that is VERY hard. Thank you all for your advise, I will keep you posted.

[Left in a Lurch]

I am not ripping on you prttymarie, people make mistakes.

The thing that surprises me are the comments about how alcohol is a powerful drug that makes you do things you can't be responsible for. It's just like driving drunk. If you're too drunk to realize you should not drive, should you not be punished? Obviously you should be because you are responsible for how much you drink and the decisions you make when you drink. If you are going to excuse this behavior because of alcohol, you'd have to excuse drunk drivers for the same reason.

Even though you mentioned you felt tricked into it, I think it just you trying to rationalize what you did, or giving yourself a reprieve from the guilt.

 

I'd say just admit to it or you will never be able to be yourself with your husband. I don't think you would want to carry this guilt around for the rest of your life. I have never found one time in any situation where I messed up profoundly and it was better to keep it a secret, but if you come clean you can eventually move on.

This sounds corny but is this something you could bring up to your husband in counseling with a priest or pastor? You sound religious, this might be a less intimidating scenario to tell him.

I wish you luck. You're not a horrible person, your just human.

[Snowflower]

OP, you're getting quite a bashing here. Posters will make assumptions about you based on their own experiences. Some are kind and constructive, others are not so much.

 

I don't believe you went out that night and planned for this to happen. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I obviously don't know you or your husband so I can't advise you want to do. I just know I was grateful for my husband's honesty when he confessed to me.

 

It seems like you feel bad enough about what happened. Take what you find useful here and I hope it helps you and leave the rest. Good luck to you!

[schewter]

Well I can't say I have my mind made up.. everyone's opinion is different.. bottom line is it is our marriage. and I am the one that has to decide which way to go, and it is in NO way easy. Feeling as guilty, ashamed and sickened as I do is hard enough....I can't see any option that is the "easy" way out as some have put it.. cause nothing about this situation I was stupid enough to get into is EASY! Despite what any of you say, I love this man dearly!!!! I worry IMMENSLEY about my childrens lives that I have put in jeapordy and that is VERY hard. Thank you all for your advise, I will keep you posted.

 

You do what YOU think is best for you and your family prttymarie...don't let anyone here or elsewhere guilt you one way or the other...just because some have had similar experiences doesn't neccessarily mean that their logic and solutions will be right for YOUR situation.

[bentnotbroken]

I am not ripping on you prttymarie, people make mistakes.

The thing that surprises me are the comments about how alcohol is a powerful drug that makes you do things you can't be responsible for. It's just like driving drunk. If you're too drunk to realize you should not drive, should you not be punished? Obviously you should be because you are responsible for how much you drink and the decisions you make when you drink. If you are going to excuse this behavior because of alcohol, you'd have to excuse drunk drivers for the same reason.

Even though you mentioned you felt tricked into it, I think it just you trying to rationalize what you did, or giving yourself a reprieve from the guilt.

 

I'd say just admit to it or you will never be able to be yourself with your husband. I don't think you would want to carry this guilt around for the rest of your life. I have never found one time in any situation where I messed up profoundly and it was better to keep it a secret, but if you come clean you can eventually move on.

This sounds corny but is this something you could bring up to your husband in counseling with a priest or pastor? You sound religious, this might be a less intimidating scenario to tell him.

I wish you luck. You're not a horrible person, your just human.

 

 

Excellent advice. Is there a clergy member that can help you?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well I can't say I have my mind made up.. everyone's opinion is different.. bottom line is it is our marriage. and I am the one that has to decide which way to go, and it is in NO way easy. Feeling as guilty, ashamed and sickened as I do is hard enough....I can't see any option that is the "easy" way out as some have put it.. cause nothing about this situation I was stupid enough to get into is EASY! Despite what any of you say, I love this man dearly!!!! I worry IMMENSLEY about my childrens lives that I have put in jeapordy and that is VERY hard. Thank you all for your advise, I will keep you posted.

 

In the end it's your life and your choice. I'm just telling you that I was in your situation once and took the secretive path and it didn't work the way you want it to. So, just don't go into this thinking that there is only 1 solution available to you.

[tami-chan]

I am not ripping on you prttymarie, people make mistakes.

The thing that surprises me are the comments about how alcohol is a powerful drug that makes you do things you can't be responsible for.

 

Who said this?

 

Anyway, if she was passed out ( which she wasn't) and people had sex with her-that is considered rape. She had impaired judgment and is now reaping the consequences. Just like a drunk driver.

 

 

Do drunk drivers actually REALIZE they are too drunk to drive?

 

Obviously you should be because you are responsible for how much you drink and the decisions you make when you drink. If you are going to excuse this behavior because of alcohol, you'd have to excuse drunk drivers for the same reason.

 

Why is alcohol considered an EXCUSE? I think she mentioned alcohol because it was a huge factor in the situation she allowed herself in. Are you and the rest saying she is really a cheat who wanted to have a threesome, got it and now regrets it? Therefore, given the chance even without alcohol she would have done it anyway?

 

I'd say just admit to it

 

How? by not mentioning alcohol? Say...."honey, one night when you were gone, I did a horrible thing and decided to participate in a menage-a-trois"-would that satisfy the "black or white" crowd?

[mark982]

you'd better have a talk to the other participants of you 3 some. people do have big mouths,especially single people.sure would be a shame your husband finds out on the streets.

[Reggie]

You seem to be avoiding the STD issue. As has been pointed out to you, the "protection" was not foolproof. Some diseases are still a risk. same thing with the multiple partner/penetration issue raised by OWL. So, even if you can sell the idea that alcohol played a major role, doesn't your H deserve to decide if he wants to run the risk of infection? Is there some argument against this point I am missing?

[dobler33]

dude, dex, you need a hug or something. seriously. you are not listening to anything this woman is saying. you can make your points without being a butt. how in the name of holy buggery do you expect her to hear anything you have to say while you are browbeating her?

[tami-chan]

dude, dex, you need a hug or something. seriously. you are not listening to anything this woman is saying. you can make your points without being a butt. how in the name of holy buggery do you expect her to hear anything you have to say while you are browbeating her?

 

!!!! oh holy buggery, you crack me up!

[lostsunsets]

What are the chances of your husband finding out. If you have a good marriage. The chances are pretty good. You talk about keeping this from him. Well you may be able. If you learn not to love him as much. If you can do that, you may very well be able to live with the guilt. But, I am sincere, if you do not tell him, your marriage will have a cancer in it. And it will require you to withdraw emotionally from him. How? you may ask. Think for a moment. The whole concept of lying to him about it requires at minimum that you love him less, so that lying to him will be acceptable. Then what? Pain is part of relationships. Sometimes, very severe pain. The pain is because you do love him. Cover the pain, smother the love.

[Reggie]

I was wondering how, if you were this intoxicated, you were able to function, sexually? I know it is different for men, but a ton of alcohol is usually not helpful in performing. Is this true for women?

[lkjh]

Who said this?

 

Anyway, if she was passed out ( which she wasn't) and people had sex with her-that is considered rape. She had impaired judgment and is now reaping the consequences. Just like a drunk driver.

 

 

Do drunk drivers actually REALIZE they are too drunk to drive?

 

 

 

To your first point, why even mention that. She was not passed out so there is no point in putting that out there. I know you are trying to show the extremes of being drunk but the fact is that she wasn't passed out.

 

To your second point, it doesn't matter if the driver knows they are drunk. The logic behind this and it is a very good logic is that when you go out drinking, you know that drinking can impair your driving ability. So once you make the decision to drink you are responsible for your actions after that. You made the decision to drink when is sober and now you are responsible for what happens next.