I am sick about this...

[schewter]

<<yeah, i was skeptical of this too, schewter. i keep wanting to say that i go out w/out my H all the time w friends, male and female, and have never hooked up or done anything inappropriate at any time during such drunken activities. i hesitated because i am a former WS, so i assumed that poopyheads (i'm totally sticking w that one from now on) would come roaring in saying "well, you cheated anyway, so your statements are invalid" or some such pap. but then i realized that my A started and stayed stone cold sober. so phhlbhht. going out on the p*ss w friends of any gender is really not the problem here, unless the person in question is already a reprobate, which i think we can all (well, mostly all) agree that PM is not.>>

 

Yep...the black & white crowd woulda had a field day with you Dob...there are bars that exist for the very purpose of meeting folks and I and my wife don't go to them...and there are lots of bars that are just watering holes where people of all shapes and sizes go to let loose...and there aint a damn thing wrong with that. As far as this lady goes...I see posts that have already made the assumption that she's some sort of "party animal"...she never indicated any such thing...for all anybody on here knows that was the first time she has been drunk in a bar in years. I can't stand presumptuous people. Jesus, my wife has been to Vegas with a couple of girlfriends since the EA...I didn't have a problem with that...she did a bad thing...she knows that. She doesn't have to stop living over it.

[schewter]

PrettyMaries situation is the perfect reason why I feel it is disrespectful to bar hop club without your significant other. Alcohol in the presense of any social environment is a recipe for disaster. Many times its not your behavior thats the problem its the behavior of the people around you. I have many negative things happen similar to this.

 

PrettyMarie's situation is the EXCEPTION not the RULE.

[JAGeezer]

I've been lurking a while on these boards, looking for answers to my own issues. I'd about decided to call it quits, simply because I don't think that my own issues are on all fours with the mission of this site, but I saw this thread and I wanted to throw in a comment.

 

prttymarie, I'm not here to pass judgment. I tend to be a "one strike and you're out" sort of guy these days anyway. (Bad personal history with forgiveness.) However it's unnecessary for me to jump up and down on you, as you seem to be doing a pretty good job of that yourself. But there's an old saying that my late father was fond of. It goes, "Two people can keep a secret, provided one of them is dead."

 

Right now, the clock is ticking on you. You don't have two people in on the secret, you have three. I'd give you 60/40 odds that one of them will talk, if they haven't already. As we sit here and debate, the ripples are spreading. It may be that those ripples will never cross your husband's path. Then again, I wouldn't bet the bank on it. Yes, telling him is going to hurt both of you. Savagely. It may even end your marriage. But right now the only control you have over what happened is the "how" and the "when" of his finding out. The "if" is in the hands of fate. And the kindness of fate is nothing you want to bet the survival of your marriage on.

 

Good luck and hang tough. If he loved you enough to marry you, then he should love you enough to forgive. I forgave my first wife. Twice in fact....but that third time. Anyway, you on the other hand are a first time offender, and if I read you right, a "never again" offender. Hold that close, summon your courage and faith, and do what has to be done.

 

Geezer

[LostInCosmos]

There is just way too much going on in this thread for me to comment on everything.

 

All I want to say is PM deserves to be respected, and she deserved to be loved. I am starting to get ANGRY at the brow-beating she is receiving by some. Nobody deserves that, no matter the mess they've landed themselves in. She clearly a one-time mistake. Compared to an ongoing and intentional affair, this is small potatoes. I can honestly say I'd forgive my W if she admitted something like this to me.

 

I also agree something about this situation seems off. PM - how well do you know your co-worker, or this third party? It's a huge leap for me to accuse somebody of using a date rape drug, but something about this smells off. In my experience people don't do this type of thing if they are GENUINELY happy in their marriage, which you seem to be. Date rape is not a simple or silly thing - it takes a lot of forms, and it's not always a nefarious intentional "assailant" who is the perpetrator - some people will take stupefied drunkenness as submission. Don't latch onto it if you know it's not the case, but do not discount the possibility of chemical coercion.

 

My heart goes out to you. Find peace.

[Reggie]

"I've dealt with many violent offenders who were under the influence of intooxicants. I am pretty sure that the intoxicant merely paved the way for behavior that they had a strong urge to participate in already."

 

So have I...and I am pretty sure I've seen people do things and have done things myself that I had no desire to do sober. Things that have negatively affected my life in big and long-lasting ways. When your judgement is lost you are capable of all kinds of uncharacteristic behaviour.

 

I disagree with this. I beleive alcohol lowers inhibitions to some extent. But not to the extent it makes one do things not already within them.

[Reggie]

I did not see any allegation that a date rape drug was used. I do not beleive she said she was rendered incapacitated. Nor, did she mention any use of force. Not sure where the rape possibility is coming from.

I see remorse , which is good. But , where are you at , pm, with the STD testing?

[schewter]

<<I disagree with this. I beleive alcohol lowers inhibitions to some extent. But not to the extent it makes one do things not already within them.>>

 

Everything someone ultimately DOES has to be within them...but people will do things when drunk that are of zero benefit to them and cause intense difficulties in their lives that they would never ponder doing in a sober state.

[schewter]

I did not see any allegation that a date rape drug was used. I do not beleive she said she was rendered incapacitated. Nor, did she mention any use of force. Not sure where the rape possibility is coming from.

I see remorse , which is good. But , where are you at , pm, with the STD testing?

 

People are making queries and exploring possibilities...she never said she always wanted to do something like this either but some on here are suggesting things of that nature. Lots of things she never said that people are assuming anyway.

[tami-chan]

It is a RIDICULOUS and ignorant notion to say that alcohol did not play a major role in PM's situation. It is DRUG, people! I know for a fact that many drugs alter the (thus alter the ability for "good" judgment). Haven't you heard of huge lawsuits from people taking certain drugs that had ADVERSE effect on people? C'mon, some people are just so intent to discredit OP because she cheated-no matter the circumstances that lead to her predicament. This is not a black/white issue. So really, get real.

[tami-chan]

I've already responded to that post tami.....she said she will not drink unless her husband is around. not good enough, she blames what she did on drinking. so even if her husband is around, she needs to stop drinking...because if being drunk is the culrprit, according to her, then her husband being around isn't going to make a difference.

 

You think her husband will "allow" her to 'participate" in a threesome?

 

She could go off to a bathroom with some guy that might drag her in there when hubby isn't looking and boff him.

 

If her husband is like you, she won't be allowed to go to a bathroom by herself. Let's hope he is !

 

if drinking caused her to cheat by her own admission, then drinking needs to stop, whether her husband is around or not.

otherwise, she can stop with the drinking excuse.

 

I say, she can drink in moderation--never get sloshed. It's very un-ladylike, anyway. I think her husband will take good care of her---the way she talks about her husband, he sounds like someone who will take good care of her and not let her go out of hand.

 

 

 

So you are saying those BS's who use their WS cheating against from er...years ago are bastards?

 

Second, what do you consider as him using this "as a weapon"....do you consider a husband that has been betrayed for the cheating wife to act like a wife and cease behaviors that he is not comfortable with abusive or something?

 

I consider it a 'weapon" if it has been talked about by both parties and a decision has been made to stay and work on the marriage or leave and an issue comes up and the first thing the BS pulls is "you had a threesome"!-even if it might be not be related to the very issue at hand.

 

If both parties want to save their marriage and move forward they both have to be comfortable and agree which behaviors need to cease.

[tami-chan]

you are a partner in this marriage with him. YOU have to decide which way to go? What about him having a decision in the matter?

 

Right now, it IS her decision to make. When H gets the info-either from her or the grapevine(let's hope not)...then perhaps it would be HIS decision to make....don't you think?

[boldjack]

Alcohol IS a drug, it DOES impair judgement. Ask any Cop or EMT, who has had to deal with the aftermath. Dexter Morgan...... at least try to see beyond your own bitterness. PM, Your Pastor is right, you need, for your own peace-of-mind, to tell your husband. But You don't have to do it alone, Im sure that he (Pastor) would be willing to be there with you , to lend you support. If necessary, bring in trusted family members. You are not an evil person, you are a person who did a very foolish thing, That must never be repeated. You need to blow the whistle on this so-called friend and her BF, I think that they are far more culpable than you. Be sure to tell your H that you did not do this willingly, If he loves you , you (both) can overcome the trauma.

[tami-chan]

John Townes Van Zandt (1944-1997) " I would rather live one moment as a brave man, than a thousand as a rich one."

 

Hi Boldjack! I have a nagging feeling, John Townes Van Zandt was not a rich man?

 

Sorry T/J.

[boldjack]

Tami, Townes Van Zandt was one of the best singers/songwriters to come out of Texas. If you have ever heard Willie Nelson sing "Pancho and Lefty", you have heard his work. He was born wealthy (oil money) but died a pauper. His version of the Rolling Stones song "Dead Flowers", was IMHO the best. I liked his music a lot.

[tami-chan]

Tami, Townes Van Zandt was one of the best singers/songwriters to come out of Texas. If you have ever heard Willie Nelson sing "Pancho and Lefty", you have heard his work. He was born wealthy (oil money) but died a pauper. His version of the Rolling Stones song "Dead Flowers", was IMHO the best. I liked his music a lot.

 

Very cool. I learned something...sorry coming of age time was the 80's-even though, I absolutely love 50's music.

[boldjack]

Tami, Townes sang from the late 60's to his death. It is mostly a Texas thing anyhow. If you don't like Western music, you probably wouldn't like this.

[tami-chan]

Tami, Townes sang from the late 60's to his death. It is mostly a Texas thing anyhow. If you don't like Western music, you probably wouldn't like this.

 

Ahhh...no, I don't really like Western music, although I am in Dallas, twice/three times a year. Hmmmm...I should probably try and listen to it, so I have something in common with my peeps in Dallas...!

 

hehe we are t/j-ing, boldjack! sowwie....

[confusedinkansas]

2) start looking for another job since it would be disrespectful to you unsuspecting husband to stay in ANY kind of contact with this coworker of your that you slept with?

 

Dex - You said in my thread no one EVER says quit your job.

And yet here you are, because of ONE indescretion you are suggesting the OP quit her job. Holy Cow!

Do you REALLY think that two people can't be grown ups about something like this & let it go. And continue to work together

 

 

AND..............Are you kidding me - As I'm reading this thread - It goes from OP had too much to drink, partied too much (One Night), feels bad about it - You all BEAT THE CRAP out of her here & NOW, some she needs a babysitter & can never step outside her home without her husband......NOW it's DATE RAPE. Is there no end.........???????????

[HsMomma]

Who said anything about corralling with members of the opposite sex? Where do you live? You think the only thing goes on in bars is hooking up? Jeeze...go out and have a look. I've been out a thousand times in my marriage and never "corralled" with women...my wife has been out with the girls lots as well and didn't corrall with men...good god. Where do you folks come from?

 

Ah, Schewter - you make me laugh! I have to say, "ditto"! I posted before - I have gone out numerous times in my 11 year marriage with the girls, gotten happily drunk, laughed my butt off & probably made a fool out of myself on more than one dance floor (dancing WITH the girlfriends, NOT other men), but didn't "corral" (what the hell does that mean, anyway???) with other men. I have to reiterate/paraphrase what I believe you said earlier on these posts - morals are what you have when your spouse ISN'T around.

 

PrttyMarie, I know you are continuing to beat yourself up over this. While I don't condone "cheating" per se, I have to stick with Dobler on this. I DO believe that alcohol plays a factor in things & I do believe that you got caught up in a rapidly out-of-control situation. Pray. Breathe. Try NOT to beat yourself up any more. What's done is done & can't be undone, but that doesn't mean you can't move on - whatever your decision about telling.

[Dexter Morgan]

Right now, it IS her decision to make. When H gets the info-either from her or the grapevine(let's hope not)...then perhaps it would be HIS decision to make....don't you think?

 

no. i'll never agree with continuing to lie and keep a spouse in the dark, as if cheating wasn't already selfish enough.

[Dexter Morgan]

You think her husband will "allow" her to 'participate" in a threesome?

 

 

one, he shouldn't have to be there to police her...she should police herself by not drinking at all.

 

and two, no, I don't think he would, but if he has to be there to even keep her from going off with someone...whats the point?

 

If I was with someone I had to be around to keep them from cheating, whats the point in being with them at all?

 

 

If her husband is like you, she won't be allowed to go to a bathroom by herself. Let's hope he is !

 

Nice try pumpkin. I trust until given a reason to not trust. I never control or tell anyone I date, or even married to, what to do. they are grown ups and should be able to control themselves.

 

And if they give me a reason not to trust them, then I'm not going to hang around to police them.

 

but if someone finds out their spouse cheated, then there ARE certain things the BS would and should expect of their cheating spouse if they are giving them the consideration of forgiveness and working on the relationship....nothing wrong with expecting a spouse to act like a spouse and refrain from situations unbecoming of a spouse.

 

 

I say, she can drink in moderation--never get sloshed. It's very un-ladylike, anyway. I think her husband will take good care of her---the way she talks about her husband, he sounds like someone who will take good care of her and not let her go out of hand.

 

again, why should her husband have to police her? thats saying, "hey, come with me so I can drink so you can keep me from going home with another man":confused:

 

 

First you are assuming her husband is some sort of bastard that he would do this.

 

So you are saying those BS's who use their WS cheating against from er...years ago are bastards?

 

 

No, i believe that would be your implication...that it would be seen as controlling. your train of thought here, not mine. It was YOUR assertion of "holding this over" a cheating spouses head...not mine.

 

 

I consider it a 'weapon" if it has been talked about by both parties and a decision has been made to stay and work on the marriage or leave and an issue comes up and the first thing the BS pulls is "you had a threesome"!-even if it might be not be related to the very issue at hand.

 

I see nothing wrong with bringing up the past IF the WS is slipping back into their old habits.

 

But if nothing of the sort is going on, yes, it is inappropriate as a BS that has forgiven and vowed to work on the marriage to bring it up.

 

But there has to be a small period of time where the WS is going to need to understand that if it is still fresh in the BS's mind, that a BS may say things out of anger because the hurt is still there. But over time, that needs to diminish if the BS vowed to work on the marriage.

 

If both parties want to save their marriage and move forward they both have to be comfortable and agree which behaviors need to cease.

 

100% agreed.

 

however, if the BS feels drinking and partying need to stop completely, and the cheater decides that isn't an option for her/him, would the BS be perfectly justified in ending the relationship?

 

afterall, if someone has cheated on their spouse, aren't they entitled to whatever behavior change they expect in return for their forgivness? Aside from the cheater being on house arrest...etc. I am talking about expecting the cheater to no longer go out to bars and drink. If I were a BS that stayed and decided to forgive, I think that is a VERY small price for the cheater to pay IF they want to keep their marriage and are truly remorseful.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex - You said in my thread no one EVER says quit your job.

 

Post that quote and we'll discuss it, because I believe what I would have said was that nobody would suggest someone up and quit there job UNTIL they have another one to fallback on.

 

I NEVER would expect anyone to quit their job without another one lined up. But a WS needs to keep trying, keep sending out resumes UNTIL they find one.

 

 

And yet here you are, because of ONE indescretion you are suggesting the OP quit her job. Holy Cow!

 

yes, I am suggesting it. she had sex with this coworker and another man. If she wants to keep her marriage and cherishes her marriage, then staying in any kind of contact with someone they had sex with outside the marriage is inappropriate.

 

I have NEVER been inconsistent on that. you find a quote you think is inconsisent in that regard from me, then I'll be glad to hash it out with you.

 

 

Do you REALLY think that two people can't be grown ups about something like this & let it go. And continue to work together

 

No.

 

 

AND..............Are you kidding me - As I'm reading this thread - It goes from OP had too much to drink, partied too much (One Night), feels bad about it - You all BEAT THE CRAP out of her here & NOW, some she needs a babysitter & can never step outside her home without her husband......NOW it's DATE RAPE. Is there no end.........???????????

 

well there you go, you can't read. I said she needs to stop drinking and partying.

 

I never said her husband needs to babysit her. If someone has to babysit their spouse to keep them from running off and screwing around with someone else, whats the point of being married to them?

 

READ dammit.....READ

[Dexter Morgan]

Well I am glad some people understood what I was trying to say and actually LISTENED TO WHAT i SAID. Dexter, you are a angry, mean person and may as well not bother posting on this, cause if I see a post from you, I will move right on to the next.

 

You go right ahead, because its obvious you don't want to answer the direct question of how you will handle yourself in absence of telling your husband the truth.

 

i'll ask again, and if you sidestep it, I'll know why:

 

if you are not going to tell your husband, and keep quiet about this, are you prepared to:

 

a) stop drinking, since you blame it on drinking and say you didn't know what you were doing BECAUSe of drinking

 

AND

 

b) stop partying?

 

 

real simple questions....because if you are not going to tell your husband, those are the LEAST of the things you should vow to do in order to make good with your husband, even though he doesn't know what happened.

[Dexter Morgan]

Who said anything about corralling with members of the opposite sex? Where do you live? You think the only thing goes on in bars is hooking up? Jeeze...go out and have a look. I've been out a thousand times in my marriage and never "corralled" with women...my wife has been out with the girls lots as well and didn't corrall with men...good god. Where do you folks come from?

 

nobody is saying that you or your wife should change your behaviors if YOU can handle your surroundings and situation.

 

PM can't, therefore her behaviors and lifestyle needs to change if she truly cares about her husband.

[Mr. Lucky]

I spoke with a pastor today and confessed what I had done. He told me that once I confessed and asked for God's forgiveness that it was washed away.. BUT that I did need to tell my husband.

Why would you ignore this advice ??? It points you to both forgiveness and resolution, pretty valuable qualities when one is in trouble. I hope you follow through...

 

Mr. Lucky