A passionate reconciliation, a strange twist, now He has completely closed the door

[TryingToBeBraveGirl]

I am finding this so tortuous and unbearable, I need some feedback please...

I will relate only the final ending of my 2 year relationship (there have been a few over the last few hopeful months).

 

I asked my man to meet 10 days ago so that we could discuss properly and nicely whether we were going to be together or not, so as to avoid any more hurt and heartbreaks (we have both been at fault, he for being critical and unsupportive, me for being over-emotional and creating scenes). We agreed to meet in a gallery so no risk of a date as such. But he called me to say he would pick me up for dinner instead. I resisted but he reassured me.

During dinner I asked him to stop and have the talk we came to have, as i didn;t want another wonderful time followed by him changing his mind again. But he reassured me again and I let myself enjoy it all. We had one of the most romantic dinners of our 2 years together, him constantly saying we must do this more etc etc. We went on to dance and then carried on having a very close, intimate weekend, full of talk about our past differences and wonderful times.

 

On the last morning his sister called him and said that she had heard me outside calling to her, 'I have your brother here'. (She lives 2 minutes from me). Despite my constantly telling him that of course I hadn't, I had been in bed with him (maybe asleep), he continued not to know who to believe.

His sister is a bright, but unhappy girl who is known for causing trouble and talking about other's relationships, she does not have one herself, and adores her brother, my man. They are both adopted, and we are all mid thirties (yes, childish eh?)

 

I hoped it had/would blow over when he left, quite normally if a bit troubled. Conversations the next day, then the day after that he just called to say he thought we should not see each other any more, he couldn't take these problems.

Unfortunately I lost it and was very rude about him and his sister, and that was our last conversation. He emailed the next day to say there was nothing more to discuss and he didn;t want any more phonecalls, emails etc.

 

I have had so many questions and thoughts and apologies, and emailed these, with no reply. I have cried for a week because I miss him so much and cannot imagine us not being together. But now I am wondering if the way he behaved, lavishing his attention and apparent adoration on me only to withdraw it (again), being weak against is sister, then having the final break upon the phone and email rather than in person, shows that he is maybe not so wonderful.

 

I feel that he has completely abused my feelings and then been very ungallant by refusing to discuss things, completely shutting the door. Is this normal?

 

I am finding it nearly impossible not to contact him, feeling both full of love and full of hurt. I adore him and he knows it. I feel very let down.

 

Any thoughts anyone? I may sound calm (don't know if I do?) but I am finding it very hard to bear.

[MercyRose]

I asked my man to meet 10 days ago so that we could discuss properly and nicely whether we were going to be together or not, so as to avoid any more hurt and heartbreaks (we have both been at fault, he for being critical and unsupportive, me for being over-emotional and creating scenes).

 

Critical and unsupportive???

Why would you even want someone like that? I doubt you were being over-emotional you were probably frustrated from being criticized and unsupported. If it happened often no wonder you created a scene. People get louder when they feel that someone is not listening to what they are saying. Although loud and dramatic doesn't make any difference to a person who doesn't want to listen.

 

Do not blame yourself. The root of the problem is with him.

 

During dinner I asked him to stop and have the talk we came to have, as i didn;t want another wonderful time followed by him changing his mind again.

 

Changing his mind again?

Why would you want someone who changes his mind so often? You deserve better. You deserve someone who knows he wants you and is willing to work on the relationship by listening to you, making an effort to meet your needs because he loves you, cares about you and wants to make you happy.

 

Despite my constantly telling him that of course I hadn't, I had been in bed with him (maybe asleep), he continued not to know who to believe.

 

You need trust in a relationship. If he doesn't know you well enough after 2 years and he believes some drama queen sister over you, his loyalty obviously doesn't lie with you. Do you really want a man like this in your life? Someone who always takes his sister's side and doubts you? I think he and his sister are a good match and if I were you I'd say she can keep him!

 

I hoped it had/would blow over when he left, quite normally if a bit troubled. Conversations the next day, then the day after that he just called to say he thought we should not see each other any more, he couldn't take these problems.

 

Couldn't take these problems?

Personally I lose all respect for men who 'can't take problems' and run away instead of dealing with them since life will always have problems. Would you make a conscious decision to choose a man like that to share your life with?

 

But now I am wondering if the way he behaved, lavishing his attention and apparent adoration on me only to withdraw it (again), being weak against is sister, then having the final break upon the phone and email rather than in person, shows that he is maybe not so wonderful.

 

You are so right. He stinks. Choose someone better to share your life with.

[TryingToBeBraveGirl]

MercyRose,

Your message actually brought a smile to my face! Thanks!

And I have told him and his sister they can keep each other.

 

Yes I do wonder if I want a man who is constantly unsure. He has told me many times that he adores me, but it is obvious he doesn't dare. I am an emotional arty type and he loves the 'glamour' he sees in that, but he is naturally very cautious.

As you say, he can't deal with the problems, and yes I have told him there are always problems in life.

 

But there are always 2 sides; half of me feels justified to get angry and create scenes, half of me feels very uncomfortable about that. I wonder if I have imagined the criticism sometimes.

That's sort of why he does not trust me, as I am not exactly a demure little butterfly. He is very cross with me.

[jenny]

i don't understand this at all:

 

 

On the last morning his sister called him and said that she had heard me outside calling to her, 'I have your brother here'. (She lives 2 minutes from me). Despite my constantly telling him that of course I hadn't, I had been in bed with him (maybe asleep), he continued not to know who to believe.

His sister is a bright, but unhappy girl who is known for causing trouble and talking about other's relationships, she does not have one herself, and adores her brother, my man. They are both adopted, and we are all mid thirties (yes, childish eh?)

 

 

??? you were in bed with him but he thinks you were outside calling about him, and further, it would be a problem if you were calling about him? i am very confused.

[TryingToBeBraveGirl]

Yes, I don't understand myself, and that's why I need to talk to him.

I was in bed with him, but of course I could have sneaked out while he was sleeping, he thinks. He does not trust either his sister or me, we are both mad now in his eyes. It is true that we have antagonised each other for a while. For my part I have always felt bullied and disapproved by her, but would like to be friends.

I think he should tell me if he still believes his sister, and if he does not he should apologise. But we have not talked since and it is driving me mad.

[MercyRose]

But there are always 2 sides; half of me feels justified to get angry and create scenes, half of me feels very uncomfortable about that. I wonder if I have imagined the criticism sometimes.

That's sort of why he does not trust me, as I am not exactly a demure little butterfly. He is very cross with me.

 

Classic case of a woman being unsure of asserting herself, feeling guilty when asserting herself or feeling angry about something someone is doing to you that is hurting her or upsetting her.

 

He is allowed to get cross and you are not allowed to express your emotions? I bet he isn't a demure little butterfly either.

 

Yes you can work on being overly sensitive to criticism but you have every right to ask for respect, to be listened to, discuss the problem/issue, see what each person is contributing to the problem and both work on the results of that discussion so you can both be happy.

 

You have every right to react, get angry, demand respect when after having stated your needs and they are still not being met, he is not trying to understand you or even care about how things affect you.

 

Nobody is perfect and no-one should expect the other to be perfect and do the right thing all the time. I don't know you but I am sure you are not as bad as you think you are and are probably justified in your reactions because you probably reached the end of your rope and took as much as you possibly could before you cracked out of frustration.

 

If anything you need to work on becoming a new person who asserts her needs and doesn't put up with crap. When you are unhappy talk about it with your new partner, if he shows any sign of inconsideration to your feelings, accuses you, blames you and makes no effort whatsoever to see your point and do something about it dump him fast and move on till you find someone worth keeping. Someone who will bring happiness into your life instead of bringing misery to it.

 

Women have moved on and men haven't. I really don't know why they think in this new day and age that women should put up with their crap. Women choose who they are with now, its not like the old days where they stayed with whoever and stuck it out for whatever reasons. Men had better start offering something better or they will all have to adopt a demonic sister like your ex for companionship.

 

Women need a new kind of man now. He has to have a lot more to offer than buying dinner and flowers. He has to be a good friend, lover and companion to share a 'new womans' life. They should enrich each others life not bring each other down.

 

I am accepting nothing less than that. I would rather be alone than put up with men who have nothing to offer except their nasty personalities and selfish demanding ways as a trade of for what exactly? Why would I even want to put up with that?? I really don't have to.

 

I choose not to and so should you.

[jenny]

i don't want to belabour the point, but why would it be bad if you were out of bed with him and talking to his sister at all?

 

 

part of the reason i ask is that this is evidently one of the ways to spot someone who may seek to control you - look to see if their demands seem unreasonable or downright bizarre to others.

[BraveGirl]

Hi Jenny,

His sister and I have developed a mutually antagonistic relationship, so if I had got up and called to her, it would have been seen as a winding up thing to do. That is clear to everyone involved.

There was, I am ashamed to admit, an instance a while ago when I did call up to her very rudely. This was when ex and her were having dinner and I wasn't invited. That was fine, it was just that a) he had not told me and pretended I didn't exist when he was with her and b) I have become increasingly hurt by her nastiness towards me.

Basically I was MAD at them leaving me out and not being kind, so I ended up making it worse.

I have been deemed the culprit, because whatever they have or have not done that has hurt me, my reaction has been more destructive.

Whether they have both in their own ways driven me to this, or whether I am right to feel uneasy and ashamed at my behaviour, is a crucial question.

 

Has anyone else felt ashamed at things they have done/ said?

[HokeyReligions]

am wondering if the way he behaved, lavishing his attention and apparent adoration on me only to withdraw it (again), being weak against is sister, then having the final break upon the phone and email rather than in person, shows that he is maybe not so wonderful.

 

Stop wondering - I think you know the answer.

 

Its hard when family doesn't get along and forces a choice, but when that is the case the person needs to MAKE the choice--either you or his sister must come first in his life. If he can't trust either of you because of his doubts, then the problem is his, but its hurting you. Your choice is to stay or go. I vote go -- love hurts sometimes, but the foundation doesn't have to be torture and doubt and suspicion.

 

I think we have all done and said some things that we are ashamed of or embarassed by, and which at the time seemed to do more damage to a situation.

[Honeybree]

Originally posted by BraveGirl

Hi Jenny,

His sister and I have developed a mutually antagonistic relationship, so if I had got up and called to her, it would have been seen as a winding up thing to do. That is clear to everyone involved.

There was, I am ashamed to admit, an instance a while ago when I did call up to her very rudely. This was when ex and her were having dinner and I wasn't invited. That was fine, it was just that a) he had not told me and pretended I didn't exist when he was with her and b) I have become increasingly hurt by her nastiness towards me.

Basically I was MAD at them leaving me out and not being kind, so I ended up making it worse.

I have been deemed the culprit, because whatever they have or have not done that has hurt me, my reaction has been more destructive.

Whether they have both in their own ways driven me to this, or whether I am right to feel uneasy and ashamed at my behaviour, is a crucial question.

 

Has anyone else felt ashamed at things they have done/ said?

[Honeybree]

Originally posted by BraveGirl

There was, I am ashamed to admit, an instance a while ago when I did call up to her very rudely. This was when ex and her were having dinner and I wasn't invited. That was fine, it was just that a) he had not told me and pretended I didn't exist when he was with her and b) I have become increasingly hurt by her nastiness towards me. Basically I was MAD at them leaving me out

 

This sounds like the sister has got a thing for her brother and or vise versa. What probably is going on. Your ex probably feels sorry for his sister bc she doesnt have anyone else and the sister is using his pity against him to her advantage. It sounds like she is jealouse bc you were getting his attention, the same attentions she had for all this time.

 

I had the same thing happen to me when I was dating this older guy for a year. His sister was a step sister but she was causing a heap of trouble for us and it turned out that she had an obsession about my bf and wasnt about to let anyone take him away from her.

 

Too bad u couldn't ask him( not accuse him) if this such thing was going on.

[nobandaid]

Tryingtobebravegirl,

 

The similiarity of our stories is striking. Reading your posts brought back vivid memories of not only his sister intensely disliking me but also his mother.

 

Your reply to my post has helped me in many ways.. I can only hope that I receive as much valuable advice as you seem to have. Although, at the same time, advice posted on this page has also helped me inmensely as I can relate to so many of your issues with your ex.

 

My ex keeps re-entering into my life as yours is doing. My best advice for you at this stage is to stop running after him! I have learnt to do this only the very hard way...he has hurt me so much over the past few months... now whenever I get the desire to call him or email him I remind myself of the rude, harsh response I will probably get and stop myself from doing so. It is far from easy to sever all contact, I know that. Especially at the moment, when things are so fresh. But regardless of whether you want him back or not it is fundamental right now to play along with his games. Believe it or not, he is playing with you and having a good time doing so. Don't contact him and I can almost guarantee that within a week or so he will contact you. But when he does, it will probably just be to see if you are still waiting around for him, to make sure you haven't met anybody else and to keep you literally hanging on a string whilst he takes all the time in the world to make up his mind. And believe me, I have learnt as my ex is like this...that he will take as much time as he wants whilst you are still waiting for him!!

 

So like I am going to do, I suggest that when he calls, emails or messages you, don't take his calls or reply to his emails. Therefore after a few days he will probably panic that he has finally lost you and will be forced to make a decision. If he manages to get a hold of you, then refuse to speak to him until he has made a final decision. Because the longer you drag this on, the longer he will continue to play with you and manipulate you... and get your hopes up to the sky. Then when he once again decides he doesn't want you, or believes his trouble causing, posessive, horror of a sister over you, your heart will be broken all over again and all your wounds will feel as though they have had salt rubbed in them. I'm sure you know that feeling very well by now.

 

My final words for now are that if he wants you he will CHASE YOU and do anything to get you back...but don't always be so readily at his disposal, because you will only end up being used and abused.

 

Also, the longer that he does this, the longer that you and I let this go on... the chances of somebody new entering your life and making you very happy are increasing every day!! So think of it that way...as impossible as it is to think about anyone else right now...I wish I could believe all of my own advice!!!

 

Natalie

[BraveGirl]

Oh God! I don't know what to say. I wish we could all take our own and each other's advice. Every thread has one thing in common; DON'T CALL HIM/HER!!

All we all want to do is to talk to our beloveds, yet it becomes a game and a crime.

 

One tiny bit of solace; I feel after 9 days not talking or dialling his number and 3 days no emails even, a tiny tiny bit of strength. I don't know if any of you have tried to stop smoking ever, but it feels a bit the same. Each day is dreadful, and your only solace is that you have achieved that day and proved to yourself something.

As someone said, count the days off on a calendar.

 

But I wonder if we are all, or how many of us, are subconsciously thinking that our reward for being 'so good' will be to get to another chance; if we make no contact for X weeks he may call, and that becomes a cherished reward..

I have certainly heard my ex and his friends talk in terms of a girl being 'too keen' - do we have to learn their game or find a man who does not mind you being 'keen' on him. Or when we think we are just being attentive and loving do they read it in a different way.

I was thinking, at times my ex has expressed a desire for me to be more 'unavailable'. At other times he gets great happiness from knowing how and how much I have been thinking of him. How does one get it right??

 

Sorry to sound so sad, it's late here in London and I'm listening to Bob Dylan and missing him.

 

One consolation nobandaid, I am learning lessons at my age that you are learning earlier and will stand you in good stead.

Where's MercyRose and her upfront no nonsense?