lap561 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I've been lurking around the internet trying to find some sort of advise/support group after hearing that my wife wants to separate. I found this site and I feel I'll get some good advice. I'll try to keep this one short, here it goes... My wife and I have been married since 2000 and we have a 13 y/o daughter and a 3 y/o son. We had our son together. My wife has been overweight most of her life until she had a gastric bypass surgery early this year. She has lost over 100 lbs and now she's looking great and she really gained a lot of confidence. She's now going out with friends to bars and having a lot of fun while I watch the kids at home. She hasn't really told me why she wants to separate but I did find an article stating that GBP surgeries often lead to divorce. The article also said that the woman may have been unhappy during the entire marriage until she finds confidence to tell her husband. I did forward that article to her and she commented about it resembles a lot of what she's going through. It hurts to hear that she wants us to separate. I haven't been able to eat and sleep right ever since. I'm worried about my kids when it comes to time to separate. I don't want us to separate but at the same time, I want her to be happy. I'm just worried that when it happens, she'll start having sex with other men. I actually have a feeling that that's the reason she wants to separate is to make it OK to start seeing other guys. I love her. I don't want to lose her. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Is she willing to attend counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Spend a couple of $K for a 'boob' and suffer real misery! There's no fixing this, IMHO. Once they get a little self confidence, they're off and running. They 'now' think they're God's gift to men, and that its 'raining men' Counseling seldom helps because it 'crimps their new life style' and is like trying to take candy away from a baby. She'll have to crash and burn into the cold hard wall of reality first! Take a Fool's advice that been there and done that, got the coffee cup, beer mug, poster, the works ~ cut your loses and move on with your life! My X had once been over-weight. She lost it ~ left her first husband. I married her at 110 lbs, As would be expected her boobs were tear-dropped from the weight lost. I paid $3K for a boob job (at her insistent) It was over from that point on! Its not about you its about her! She lacks true self confidence from within! Always has! Always will! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 After losing all of that weight, she feels like a new woman. Its quite possible that she never liked who she was, was never comfortable in her own skin as "the fat girl." Now that she is not the "fat girl" she wants to find out exactly who she is. I'm not saying its right. And chances are she will find that for the most part she is the same woman she was before. But she doesnt know that yet. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Yep, she's loving all the attention she gets now that she missed out on when she was fat. It's going to turn her head and make her wish she could take advantage of it by flirting with and going out with new men. Unfortunately, eventually, she will crash and realize that the grass isn't greener...that all these men who are so interested now would never have given her a second glance before...and that you love her for who she is and not because of her size. I say unfortunately, because her realization will be too late - the damage will have already been done to your marriage and to you and to the kids. You can try telling her that you are trying to understand that she feels like a butterfly finally released from her cocoon, but that you really want her to remember and think about the fact that you love her and always loved her, regardless of her size, unlike the men she may be meeting now who aren't interested in her for who she is. You can suggest going to marital counseling, or individual counseling for her, or even group therapy where she can hear the stories of other women in her situation. But you can't "make" her understand that she's throwing away a loving husband and throwing your children into the middle of chaos in favor of fleeting ego boosts from other men. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Texas is a 30 day divorce state, IIRC. Move along, little doggie Let her leave the marital home on her great adventure, then file for divorce and custody. Plan "B" her. Don't give in to the emotional games she'll inevitably play with you. Choices come with responsibility. I hope she enjoys hers Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Yep, she's loving all the attention she gets now that she missed out on when she was fat. It's going to turn her head and make her wish she could take advantage of it by flirting with and going out with new men. Unfortunately, eventually, she will crash and realize that the grass isn't greener...that all these men who are so interested now would never have given her a second glance before...and that you love her for who she is and not because of her size. I say unfortunately, because her realization will be too late - the damage will have already been done to your marriage and to you and to the kids. You can try telling her that you are trying to understand that she feels like a butterfly finally released from her cocoon, but that you really want her to remember and think about the fact that you love her and always loved her, regardless of her size, unlike the men she may be meeting now who aren't interested in her for who she is. You can suggest going to marital counseling, or individual counseling for her, or even group therapy where she can hear the stories of other women in her situation. But you can't "make" her understand that she's throwing away a loving husband and throwing your children into the middle of chaos in favor of fleeting ego boosts from other men. Well said! Well said indeed! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I don't think there's anything you CAN do – her mind is set. Apparently, from what my sister and her husband were told when she was preparing for her lap-band surgery, a lot of the marriages break up because the patients want a "new life" to go with the new body. And it sounds like this is what's running through your wife's brain. at which point, you're probably going to have to just walk away from her despite how much you love her, because she's already left the marriage. One of my classmates (also from SATX) had the surgery and was posting pictures of herself nude on the internet, according to her ex-husband ... their minds are no longer focused on marriage, but self-gratification ... now, a question semi-related: What the hell is she doing hanging out in bars? From what I was told, alcohol is a no-no because your body cannot handle it after bariatric surgery! Link to post Share on other sites
coconuts Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 This happened with a guy I know. He lost a ton of weight doing atkins diet. His girlfriend of 9 years did the diet with him and also lost a lot of weight. She still wanted him, but he left her and started sleeping with every girl he could! He became a totally different person. He used to be a shy guy, now he is an obnoxious jerk who doesn't care about anything except his next drink and his next hookup. I would let her go. She's not the same person you married. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 She's getting much new found attention she never got when she was overweight. Sucks man but it happens all the time. Hate to tell you but she's probably seeing someone on the side. Do your investigating my man. My wife works for a Bariatric surgon, and she knows at least 10 patients, male and female mind you, that have lost significant amounts of weight and end up leaving the husbands or wives. I have a buddy who took out a couple grand of home equity to get his wife a boob job for her 30th birthday. A year later after she's club hopping 3 nights a week, he finds out about her two "boyfriends", and other various ONS. He flies off the handle after he catches her screwing a dude, and flips out on her. She went to court, filed paperwork, and had him kicked out of his own house. Your not alone my man. I don't know how to fix this one. Gunny, Barracuda any ideas? Maybe you just need to put the smackdown on her, file for D, and have her served. This might bring her back down to earth. Trying to reason and talk probably is not going to work at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 The sad thing is men will only like her for how she looks while you loved her for who she is. She is always going to be the fat chick. In her head anyway. I think that people get fat because they have issues. Take away the fat and the issues are still there. After she is used and abused a little she may realize this. Or maybe not. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 lost a 100 pounds real quick,once she drops her laundry guys will run. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 My advice: be patient. A friend of mine had this operation, she lost about 110 lbs.. she was over 330... she felt great... in her eyes, she was amazing.. in mine.. she was still HUGE... Her husband became jealous... Jealous of what??? Holy cow.. she was still huge.. Just be patient.. she'll gain all the weight back... my friend is... These obese people have 'mental issues' that need to be solved.. if they get the operation, without solving their problems..they will get the weight back.. guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Her husband became jealous... Jealous of what??? Holy cow.. she was still huge.. Yeah maybe this guy is insecure with himself. Like all of a sudden he's not good enough for her because she was all his before and nobody else wanted her. But now that's changed so he feels threatened due to his own insecurities. Dude join a gym. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Yeah maybe this guy is insecure with himself. Like all of a sudden he's not good enough for her because she was all his before and nobody else wanted her. But now that's changed so he feels threatened due to his own insecurities. Dude join a gym. He's not as big as she is.. he's slightly overweight.. But she is gaining all the weight back... you are right, it made him very insecure.. but she didn't get the attention from men.. I was walking with her every day... she was still very much overweight.. (but at least, she felt better)... but not anymore.. she can't control her appetite.. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I don't know about all the weight coming back but he should try to look better physically if she is and he will feel less threatened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Is she willing to attend counselling? She is but it doesn't look like we can afford it. Our insurance is through her work and we used up the allowance for the year. My work has a free one though but I'm not sure if they're reliable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Texas is a 30 day divorce state, IIRC. Move along, little doggie Let her leave the marital home on her great adventure, then file for divorce and custody. Plan "B" her. Don't give in to the emotional games she'll inevitably play with you. Choices come with responsibility. I hope she enjoys hers What's that mean, 30 days? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 She is but it doesn't look like we can afford it. Our insurance is through her work and we used up the allowance for the year. My work has a free one though but I'm not sure if they're reliable. Let me also add that at the same time, we also decided to put our house on the market since we can't afford it anymore. She's been buying new clothes every week!!! I think she wants to have some extra cash on hand to do fun stuff but I don't see why I have to get out of the picture. I can party too! But with kids, it's though. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 What's that mean, 30 days? Unlike some states with much longer cooling-off periods, Texas appears, at least based on posts I've read here on LS, to have a much shorter mandatory waiting period before a divorce can be finalized. Here in Cali, it's six months. Texans don't mess around Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 I don't think there's anything you CAN do – her mind is set. Apparently, from what my sister and her husband were told when she was preparing for her lap-band surgery, a lot of the marriages break up because the patients want a "new life" to go with the new body. And it sounds like this is what's running through your wife's brain. at which point, you're probably going to have to just walk away from her despite how much you love her, because she's already left the marriage. One of my classmates (also from SATX) had the surgery and was posting pictures of herself nude on the internet, according to her ex-husband ... their minds are no longer focused on marriage, but self-gratification ... now, a question semi-related: What the hell is she doing hanging out in bars? From what I was told, alcohol is a no-no because your body cannot handle it after bariatric surgery! She's at a point now where she can drink 1 serving of red wine. That's all she drinks now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Yeah maybe this guy is insecure with himself. Like all of a sudden he's not good enough for her because she was all his before and nobody else wanted her. But now that's changed so he feels threatened due to his own insecurities. Dude join a gym. I have a membership to a gym and since hearing the news, I'm too depressed to work out. Part of me didn't see the reason to keep going.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Thank you so much for all the good advices. This site gave me a lot of emotional boost today. This afternoon, I talked to a good buddy of mine and explained to him my situation. I asked him to keep it between us but apparently he couldn't resist to tell his wife. His wife then texted my wife and expressed her concerns. That's exactly what I wanted to happen because they're very good friends of ours and they were the reason we moved to SATX. That's when tonight, my wife started our conversation about our good friend texting her. It's such a good feeling for her to finally open up. But at the same time, it was too disappointing. She wants to separate because she wants to have sex with other men. She said there isn't anybody in particular now and she hasn't done it with anybody yet. I did try to tell her that it's OK to have these urges but that doesn't mean you have to follow through. I'm here. I'm still 100% functional. I did bring up to her attention that we haven't really spent romantic time together since we've been married. When we got married, she already had a 3 y/o daughter so there was very little moments to spend time alone. I also told her that I want to spend more time with her. We have a lot of catching up to do and I think now's the time to do it. The challenge we have is to find someone to watch the kids. Her mom lives in town and I hope that she can watch the kids from time to time. The other challenge is that there isn't a lot of extra money floating around to go out for a nice dinner or anything romantic so my options are limited. I'm hoping you guys can chip in some ideas. She did say that things are going too fast in her and she's still trying to analyze things. She's a very smart woman who always try to do what's logical and I hope she finds in herself to control her urge and still be faithful to me. She said she doesn't want to hurt me and take the kids, especially my son, away from me. She wants us to have a separate place to live after we sell the house. I didn't like that idea. I think it will really mess up my relationship with my son and it will make it easier for her to sleep with other men. I don't think I can just let go. We've been together for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 trust me as depressed as you are the gym will help you,even if you force yourself to go it will work. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I soooo agree with Mark.. go exercise.. you have no idea how good it is for your 'morale'... There is not much you can do.. it's a little late to catch up... she's already gone IMO. She's probably not in love with you anymore.. but I can understand she doesn't want to hurt you... but she will.. and that's out of her control... only YOU can deal with your problems.. take care of yourself. Take some anti-depressants if this is overwhelming and you feel you can lose control of your sanity. Good luck! (but trust me.. the weight WILL come back.. and when no other men will want her.. she will come back.. crawling for what she had..) Link to post Share on other sites
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