SRV Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 The new clothes is a sign that she is seeing someone else. Try not to push hard towards spending time with her or reconciling as it will only have the reverse effect, it will push her further away. You might want to start snooping, I have a feeling that she has already followed up on a PA, you just have to find out who it is, most probably an old fling or a co-worker. You need to start protecting yourself, financially, mentally, physically and emotionally. She made her decision months ago, you are now just finding out. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Thank you so much for all the good advices. This site gave me a lot of emotional boost today. This afternoon, I talked to a good buddy of mine and explained to him my situation. I asked him to keep it between us but apparently he couldn't resist to tell his wife. His wife then texted my wife and expressed her concerns. That's exactly what I wanted to happen because they're very good friends of ours and they were the reason we moved to SATX. That's when tonight, my wife started our conversation about our good friend texting her. It's such a good feeling for her to finally open up. But at the same time, it was too disappointing. She wants to separate because she wants to have sex with other men. She said there isn't anybody in particular now and she hasn't done it with anybody yet. I did try to tell her that it's OK to have these urges but that doesn't mean you have to follow through. I'm here. I'm still 100% functional. I did bring up to her attention that we haven't really spent romantic time together since we've been married. When we got married, she already had a 3 y/o daughter so there was very little moments to spend time alone. I also told her that I want to spend more time with her. We have a lot of catching up to do and I think now's the time to do it. The challenge we have is to find someone to watch the kids. Her mom lives in town and I hope that she can watch the kids from time to time. The other challenge is that there isn't a lot of extra money floating around to go out for a nice dinner or anything romantic so my options are limited. I'm hoping you guys can chip in some ideas. She did say that things are going too fast in her and she's still trying to analyze things. She's a very smart woman who always try to do what's logical and I hope she finds in herself to control her urge and still be faithful to me. She said she doesn't want to hurt me and take the kids, especially my son, away from me. She wants us to have a separate place to live after we sell the house. I didn't like that idea. I think it will really mess up my relationship with my son and it will make it easier for her to sleep with other men. I don't think I can just let go. We've been together for so long. It's a major step forward that the two of you were able to sit and discuss this openly and honestly. You need to continue this dialoge. Sounds like your wife is very confused right now. She's being pulled in two different directions. She's getting new found attention from strangers, and this is feeding her ego. Therefore her mind is thinking about what if's, what could be's. This illusion is very powerful. Mind you it is that, and illusion and fantasy. Once engaged, usually the person finds the fantasy isn't all it's cracked up to be. But, by then the damage is done and it's too late. If she follows through with these "urges", I surmise your marriage is over. Why? You've made your feelings known about this, you've offered your love and everything to help. If she stills decides to have sex with someone else, amongst everything else, she's shown the upmost disrespect toward you. YOU DO NOT DERSERVE THAT. What to do. I guess at some point in your marriage you've also had urges and fantasies about having sex with someone other than your wife. Any man who tells you they havn't is a liar. Let her know this. "You know honey I understand what you're feeling, because there've been times I've felt the same way. I've had thoughts and oportunities to be with other women, but because of my devotion and love for you, I forgo these". Then reinforce you love and willingness to work through this. But also give her boundries and consequences if she chooses to engage in unacceptable behavior. "There is nothing on this earth I love and cherish more than you. I would move the earth, moon, and stars for you. It' hurts me deeply to see how you've struggled with this. I am totally commited to you and our marriage. I know I've not been the perfect husband, but I promise you on our marriage and children that I will work to be the husband you want and deserve. But, in order for me to do this, I need the same committment from you. I don't expect you to resolve this or make a committment right away. All I ask is while you consider your path, that you remain true to your promise, and not become physically or emotionally involved with someone else. If you ultimately decide that's what you wish to do, please be honest with me about it. Therefore I can begin to adjust to life without you, and heal from all of this. But if you do not involve me in making this decision, and I find you've been dishonest about what you're doing, I will consider you've made your choice, and I will be immediately filing for divorce. I'm not being mean, I'm just being practicle". You may want to write this down in letter form and giving it to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 She wants to separate because she wants to have sex with other men. She said there isn't anybody in particular now and she hasn't done it with anybody yet. I did try to tell her that it's OK to have these urges but that doesn't mean you have to follow through. I'm here. I'm still 100% functional. She wants to have sex, period. And she wants to be free to have it with someone else because she doesn't want to have it with you. As far as she's concerned, whether you're 100% functional is probably beside the point. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 She did say that things are going too fast in her and she's still trying to analyze things. She's a very smart woman who always try to do what's logical … She said she doesn't want to hurt me and take the kids, especially my son, away from me. She wants us to have a separate place to live after we sell the house. basically, she's stalling until she can find the spin she needs to shxtcan you, lap. Her mind is NOT on saving your marriage, but on self-gratification. And being a "smart woman," she is cooking up a plan that allows her to leave with out looking like the bad one for leaving because she wants to sleep around. Time to start playing hardball, force her to CHOOSE out and out, without trying to sugarcoat the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 It's a major step forward that the two of you were able to sit and discuss this openly and honestly. You need to continue this dialoge. Sounds like your wife is very confused right now. She's being pulled in two different directions. She's getting new found attention from strangers, and this is feeding her ego. Therefore her mind is thinking about what if's, what could be's. This illusion is very powerful. Mind you it is that, and illusion and fantasy. Once engaged, usually the person finds the fantasy isn't all it's cracked up to be. But, by then the damage is done and it's too late. If she follows through with these "urges", I surmise your marriage is over. Why? You've made your feelings known about this, you've offered your love and everything to help. If she stills decides to have sex with someone else, amongst everything else, she's shown the upmost disrespect toward you. YOU DO NOT DERSERVE THAT. What to do. I guess at some point in your marriage you've also had urges and fantasies about having sex with someone other than your wife. Any man who tells you they havn't is a liar. Let her know this. "You know honey I understand what you're feeling, because there've been times I've felt the same way. I've had thoughts and oportunities to be with other women, but because of my devotion and love for you, I forgo these". Then reinforce you love and willingness to work through this. But also give her boundries and consequences if she chooses to engage in unacceptable behavior. "There is nothing on this earth I love and cherish more than you. I would move the earth, moon, and stars for you. It' hurts me deeply to see how you've struggled with this. I am totally commited to you and our marriage. I know I've not been the perfect husband, but I promise you on our marriage and children that I will work to be the husband you want and deserve. But, in order for me to do this, I need the same committment from you. I don't expect you to resolve this or make a committment right away. All I ask is while you consider your path, that you remain true to your promise, and not become physically or emotionally involved with someone else. If you ultimately decide that's what you wish to do, please be honest with me about it. Therefore I can begin to adjust to life without you, and heal from all of this. But if you do not involve me in making this decision, and I find you've been dishonest about what you're doing, I will consider you've made your choice, and I will be immediately filing for divorce. I'm not being mean, I'm just being practicle". You may want to write this down in letter form and giving it to her. I will write this down. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 bet you anything she's already planning to leave and cheat or is eyeing someone to sleep with if she hasnt been alread, she's just looking for justification to leave and sleep around, why give her the satisfaction. She's a mid life crisis. and I would just wash my hands of her, trust all that talking and pleading aint gonna help. It isnt gonna bring her back. She's gonna do what she wants to do. I'd say drop the bomb on her and keep it moving. Or if not let her make the choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Even rats know when to get off a sinking ship! The only difference between your marriage and the Titantic? The Titantic had a band playing as she went down! Link to post Share on other sites
singleish Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 The new clothes is a sign that she is seeing someone else. Try not to push hard towards spending time with her or reconciling as it will only have the reverse effect, it will push her further away. You might want to start snooping, I have a feeling that she has already followed up on a PA, you just have to find out who it is, most probably an old fling or a co-worker. You need to start protecting yourself, financially, mentally, physically and emotionally. She made her decision months ago, you are now just finding out. I don't disagree that she may already be involved with someone, but I can tell you as a bariatric patient myself, the clothes thing isn't an automatic indication in these cases. When you shop fat people stores for a few decades and then lose a bunch of weight and can fit into trendy store clothes, you want to burn everything you have, but all new clothes and spit in the doorway of every fat clothes store you walk past. Which is what tends to happen with existing boy/girlfriends & spouses. So I guess while I can agree there is probably a correlation, I don't think you can assume a causal relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Even rats know when to get off a sinking ship! The only difference between your marriage and the Titantic? The Titantic had a band playing as she went down! Too funny Gunny, but practical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 well, i found out last night that she's having at least an EA through a Singles Dating website. I saw that she set up her profile with a "seeing someone" status, not married. There's only one message in there that she posted the weekend after she told me the news. Her message was "Where have you been, I missed you :-)" Argh! With selling the house that we're severly upside down on, all the credit cards, and the kids, I just want to walk out at this point but we'll have to split everything 50/50. She said she doesn't want either one of us to go anywhere until the house is sold. And while the house is on the market, she's buying all kinds of things for herself and not helping our financial status. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 do y'all have separate bank accounts? If not, now's the time to start one up and funneling your paycheck into it. It's more of a hassle to split/pay bills, but your money doesn't get blown on piddly shxt ... she's responsible for paying for her own stuff ... at this point, it may be a while before the house is sold, so look into other options. She might be using you to keep a roof over her head while she goes merrily about her way! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 do y'all have separate bank accounts? If not, now's the time to start one up and funneling your paycheck into it. It's more of a hassle to split/pay bills, but your money doesn't get blown on piddly shxt ... she's responsible for paying for her own stuff ... at this point, it may be a while before the house is sold, so look into other options. She might be using you to keep a roof over her head while she goes merrily about her way! not yet but she wanted to do that after we sell the house. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 sounds like prime time to start doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 don't wait, do it PRONTO. Otherwise she's going to piss away your money. Just because she can. whatever you do, do NOT give her access to the new account. My husband's exwife tapped into his savings and took $30K before she left him. And that hurt worse than her running off with his good friend, from what he's said over the years. Link to post Share on other sites
toddro Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 You do not know this woman anymore, she is not your wife. She is making sure she has a stepping stone out there while she slowly and methodicly takes you to the cleaners. She is plotting as I type this, dont give her the chance. Get a lawyer and push her off the Titanic before she sells all the lifeboats. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Its past the point of the rats getting off the ship? The band playing! Its past the point of the ship going under! Its past the lifeboats! Start bailing water dammit! There's three people we marry when we get married? Potentially four. There's the person we think we're marrying! There the person we're actually are marrying! There's the person that comes about as a result of having been married to us? The fourth? That's the person we meet in divorce court? As in "I cannot believe that's the same person I've been married to all these years?! :eek: :eek: Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 not yet but she wanted to do that after we sell the house. The three GREATEST lies ever told! "I love you!" "The check's in the mail!" "Hi! We're from the Government, and we're here to help!" So my question to you? Is it really raining, or is she just pissing on your leg? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 MAYDAY! MAYDAY! WE'RE GOING DOWN! She's spending like a drunken sailor on a four day pass in the Malia, Philippines Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Gunny, this guy LAP has to pull the trigger, if he is able to get off of his shocked arse and file for divorce and start packing his stuff up and seperate his money, just maybe his dumb harlot of a wife can open her eyes and see what her actions are doing. But by him not being resolved in his actions he sits there and does nothing, which hurts him in the long run. I mean he needs to take the reigns away from this crazy woman. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Sounds like he needs a packing party when she's gone to work. All her new clothes boxed nice and neatly on the curb when she gets home. Oh, I almost forgot the nice freshly printed copies of divorce papers sitting on top of them. Makes for a wonderful parting gift don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 I have to be honest. I'm somewhat clueless with our finances. I want to get out but we still got a lot of debt to pay. I know we'll have to split everything 50/50 if it's uncontested. Who decides who gets what? The judge or should we figure that out ourselves first? My buddy told me that the judge will decide what to do on everything we own and we will eventually lose everything we have and start off with a huge debt. I've never been independent. She was my first. I've become dependent on her to be around and take care of finances. I took care of house stuff. She gets ideas on where to move to and such and I just either agreed or disagreed. I don't like changes. I like settling down and just start living. This whole getting my own place and doing my own thing is a bit overwhelming. I'm just now relying on your advices and my friends support. Call me a wuss but I'm working on getting some balls here. I appreciate all the comments and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 So after confronting her about her profile in okcupid, she didn't even feel guilty about it or at least didn't seem like it. She asked how I found out...I lied and told her I found out from a friend at work. She said it was just a meaningless flirtation. I checked later that she had sent him an email asking who he has told and that he shouldn't worry about her soon to be ex husband. Another thing I found out is that she started taking bc pills. I asked her why and she said she just doesn't want to have kids again. I told her what I think and that's she plans to sleep with other people and she claims she doesn't. I think it's bs and it got my blood boiling. Now I can't eat or sleep again. At first she wants to work it out. Now I may have pushed her over the edge by going to her personal space (finding out about the pills and her online account). She asked for space in the beginning and I blew it. I just can't help it sometimes. I've become obsessed to her. Anyways, she's seeing a therapist now. I was glad at first but now I'm not sure anymore. I thought it was for saving the marriage. She said no and that she's seeing a therapist to get her mind straight. I'm thinking she's getting her head straight towards divorce and that the therapist isn't even gonna convince her to give it another chance. It's just so unfair how she never spoke up about her unhappiness and doesn't give me a chance to fix our marriage. I just can't believe this is the same person I married. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 It's just so unfair how she never spoke up about her unhappiness and doesn't give me a chance to fix our marriage. I just can't believe this is the same person I married. The thing.. is 'she's not the same person you married'... she has changed... for some reason. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 lets see, she started taking bc pills,told this other guy to not worry about soon to be ex husband. buddy the partys over, the only thing left to do is get your ducks in order so she doesn't steal everything that aint nailed down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 slightly sigh of relief....she wants to meet up in a bank to split up our checking account and split up bills. Some stuff lingering in my head....should I contact her family members and explain what's going on? I'm afraid that she'd paint a bad picture of me later down the road. I'm not the bad guy here and I don't want to lose the respect from her family and friends. Btw, been reading the no more mr. nice guy book and it's given me a different perspective on how to live my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts