BUENG1 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 slightly sigh of relief....she wants to meet up in a bank to split up our checking account and split up bills. Some stuff lingering in my head....should I contact her family members and explain what's going on? I'm afraid that she'd paint a bad picture of me later down the road. I'm not the bad guy here and I don't want to lose the respect from her family and friends. Btw, been reading the no more mr. nice guy book and it's given me a different perspective on how to live my life. Are you friends with her family? If not I wouldn't bother, if it looks like divorce, and no need to make things ugly till after the paper's are signed. I would make sure you see a lawyer to look over the papers and the settlement to make sure your getting a fair shake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 Does anyone know if there's a support group in san antonio for guys like me? Talking to someone helps me forget about what's going on and lets me focus. Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Does anyone know if there's a support group in san antonio for guys like me? Talking to someone helps me forget about what's going on and lets me focus. http://www.meetup.com/search/?keywords=divorce&radius=25&country=us&locationPickerRef=0&dbCo=us&dbOutsideUsLink=&zip=78201&submitButton=Search Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Your first mistake was having sex with her when she was morbidly obese, I don't know why you did that Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 i see nothing wrong with splitting checking accts,or savings. but i'd also open a new acct,with paper work from her saying that you've split the money. as far as splitting the bills, i'd wait till a lawyer see's her idea od splitting. she could go hog wild on credit cards and not tell you. won't know till "after" new bills come in. gotta cover your azz. Link to post Share on other sites
NotMyselfNEmore Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Gastric Bypass is Not to blame here.... she was obviously already miserable and it might have NOTHING to do with you. She just now has a new lease on life and thinks she has the courage to finally say what she wanted to say. I agree with many on this... people who get the surgery without solving their own "old" hang ups, will NEVER be happy. No matter what size they are, they will never find happiness and truly feel comfortable in their own skin. If you love her and think that she's worth it... be patient. Support her and almost act as if you don't care one way or another so she doesn't feel pressured. If she's a smart woman, she will change her mind and realize that YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STOOD BEHIND HER the whole time she was fat and miserable and you also stood behind her when she wanted to have the surgery.... not everyone is lucky enough to have that kind of support.... Just my honest opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Gastric Bypass is Not to blame here.... she was obviously already miserable and it might have NOTHING to do with you. She just now has a new lease on life and thinks she has the courage to finally say what she wanted to say. I agree with many on this... people who get the surgery without solving their own "old" hang ups, will NEVER be happy. No matter what size they are, they will never find happiness and truly feel comfortable in their own skin. If you love her and think that she's worth it... be patient. Support her and almost act as if you don't care one way or another so she doesn't feel pressured. If she's a smart woman, she will change her mind and realize that YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STOOD BEHIND HER the whole time she was fat and miserable and you also stood behind her when she wanted to have the surgery.... not everyone is lucky enough to have that kind of support.... Just my honest opinion. I want to add on to this to the OP that she may never come back. Some people can never admit there wrong even when they are. The thing is, she may be worth fighting for but she's not gonna realize the type of man you are without her hitting rock bottom and deep introspection that may take years for her to even think about you and her life in that way. Why wait. Dude cut her some more flesh outta her body when you disolve yourself from the marriage. Her issues and self esteem has nothing to do with you!!! I wouldnt want to be the next man she meets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 So much has happened since my last post. Father's day came and she didn't get me anything. She claims she forgot about it. Whatever. I was really sad not to get anything. I mean I didn't expect her to get anything but for it to actually happen I was disappointed. I went to church with my son. We haven't been to church in months. She was never a religious person. It's another reason she has no desire to go to marriage counseling. She told me she just needed someone to take care of her back when we met and got married. Now that she can take care of herself, she's ditching me. I saw a therapist on Monday, explained my situation and in the end she basically said that it's not my fault this is happening, it's hers. I basically got a bit of my confidence back after talking to the therapist. Still, there's a part of me that thinks things will work out and she'll come into realization that what she's doing is wrong. This is what I'm having trouble letting go. I think it's because we're still both living in the same house and still sleep in the same bedroom. The bed in the spare room just kills my back. Tuesday we went to the bank and I basically applied for a personal loan to pay off a huge credit card debt (50K) that have built up by paying off other credit cards. I'm still not approved due to debt to income ratio. She had to write a letter to the bank stating that she will pay off the rest of the loans that are still both in our name. I don't know exactly what she's paying for but she claims she will end up with a lot more than what I'm getting. Right now we're 50/50 but when the house sells, we would be upside down and she'll pay the difference. (at least 25K) Her birthday was Tuesday also and I got her a gift card from starbucks and a birthday card that basically said "thank you for all the fun times we've had, Happy birthday." I thought it fit well. I started taking Prozac. I haven't been able to focus at work especially in the mornings. I keep getting up with that empty and lonely feeling inside. I mean we get ready for work at the same time but it's tough to deal with when the woman I loved all these years is at arms reach but she's so far away. Sometimes I think I'll be able to cope with this better if she was dead. At least then, I can accept the fact that she's really gone. I get so mad when I still do my daily Dad tasks and she gets to either work late or go out with friends anytime she wants. I get home, take care of the kids, prepare dinner and put the kids to bed. She's hardly home in time to give the kids kiss good night. I think it's starting to affect my son. He's been so destructive lately. He's starting to throw toys around and he hasn't been listening very well. Anyways, I've started doing stuff for myself...things I normally would think about first because she might not like it. I got my highlights for my hair then got it cut the way I want it. I know it sounds ghey but I got a lot of compliments at work. She didn't say anything though. I need to find a nice cologne. I don't know what's popular these days but I know how much she hates it when I wear cologne. You guys have any suggestions? I want to start living on my own but it's financially overwhelming at this point. I started looking at apartments and at this point, I can only afford a 1 bedroom apartment. I will need a 2 bedroom apartment because the kids will also live with me from time to time. I also need to stay in the same area which happens to be an expensive area cause we want to keep our son in the same day care and my daughter wants to stay in the same school. I'll probably have to sell my car too to save $ on insurance and gas. My car is pretty expensive to own but good thing it's paid off. Still, I don't get how she's so OK about all this. I mean, she's taking the risk of our house being forclosed since house selling market sucks at this point. She's also risking our credit scores going down because we might not be able to pay for everything. At least, that's what I think now. I want to leave but I also don't want her to end up like she was when I met her. Credit all screwed up and living in cheap, run down apartments. I'll probably end up the same way cause I have no clue right now how I'm gonna afford being on my own. This will probably my last post in this forum. I'll start posting in the coping section as I still need some help getting over her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lap561 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 It's been a while since I've posted here and I wanted to give an update. Last weekend, my wife tells me that she realized that the grass is not greener on the other side and wanted to get back together. She had been sending me emails while I was away with the kids for a week. I accepted her apologies and took her back. That weekend was great. Then things quickly went back to the way things were. She's very distant again and shutting me out. I tried so many different ways to ask why she doesn't seem happy. She said it's work and home stuff. I said we need to talk about the home stuff. But what I really wanted to tell her is that I want her to go talk to counseling and talk about her problems. I just don't want to ruin our progress of getting back together. How do you deal with someone who tends to keep things to themselves? Do I just sit quiet and be patient or encourage her to talk about it? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 How do you deal with someone who tends to keep things to themselves? Do I just sit quiet and be patient or encourage her to talk about it? My wife is like that... I generally would say be patient and encourage her... although that didn't get me anywhere with her... in view of your situation, if she is behaving againg in exactly the same way, I would be quite clear with her: put things right, make an effort or leave again... Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 It's been a while since I've posted here and I wanted to give an update. Last weekend, my wife tells me that she realized that the grass is not greener on the other side and wanted to get back together. She had been sending me emails while I was away with the kids for a week. I accepted her apologies and took her back. That weekend was great. Then things quickly went back to the way things were. She's very distant again and shutting me out. I tried so many different ways to ask why she doesn't seem happy. She said it's work and home stuff. I said we need to talk about the home stuff. But what I really wanted to tell her is that I want her to go talk to counseling and talk about her problems. I just don't want to ruin our progress of getting back together. How do you deal with someone who tends to keep things to themselves? Do I just sit quiet and be patient or encourage her to talk about it? You should have set terms for her to come back. You should have waited it out. She is doing this because she did not have to "work" to wiggle her way back to you. You need to distance yourself, set terms, show her that either way, you will be fine with or without her or else it will be just a matter of time before she pulls the same crap and will be gone for good this time around. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Don't be so quick to take her back and demand honest answers about why this all happen. Make her chase you Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 as hurtful as it sounds, her "wanting to get back with" you is not about saving the marriage, but proving something to herself. In this case, I imagine it's knowing that she has you where she wants you. And as much as you want this to work, you're going to have to practice tough love or she'll keep yanking your chain and doing this kind of crap to you. as for the spare bed hurting your back – she's the one who wants out of the relationship, make HER sleep in the guest room. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Hi I just caught up on your thread. I think your w noticed you were doing ok without her, the new hair cut, the cologne etc. She's back b/c she wants to test the water. Cake eat. Make sure you are still on her hook. IMO. What you did by getting on with your life is effectively pull a 180, this made her nervous, so she came back, now she knows she has you again? It's back to being distant. Time to be clear. Link to post Share on other sites
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