Friend just had the strangest reaction

[KikiW]

I have a neighbor who brings her kid to the bus stop in the morning and we've gotten to know each other very well - like just Sunday we went for drinks and had a great time, want to do it again. She knows all about my situation (has actually met my SO once when he was visiting and we got my daughter off the bus) and because she works with kids as a job she has offered me some advice in dealing with my daughter, has always been supportive but the tone has always been concern for my daughter (understandable since she works with developmental issues so her first thought would be about my kid).

 

Well yesterday I had a huge step forward when I confessed to my daughter that I really liked my SO and I wanted to "ask him out" and did she think I should... Up until now my daughter just knew of him as a good friend, but I never revealed the depth of our relationship. This was really the last hurdle and I had been terrified about what her reaction would be. Would she like the idea or start screaming and crying? But when I told her, she was SO EXCITED! She turned into this quivering, squealing thing that went from date to proposal to marriage within about 2 minutes! I had to say "woah woah woah! One step at a time!" It was hysterical. I called him right then and "asked him out" and she took the phone and went to go talk to him in private. Apparently told him he should buy me an engagement ring because I would like that LOL. He was so tickled

 

We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about buying a pretty dress for my date, where we should go, what I should say, how I should do my hair, what color lipstick to wear... She also dictated a "love letter" that I should give to him - insisted I hand-write it because it's more romantic, and then she drew little hearts and our names on it... adorable! It went just about as wonderfully as it could possibly go! She was also worried about what her father (my STBex) would say about it, but we called him and he made all the appropriate supportive comments and happy noises to make sure she knew everyone was ok with it. It really was awesome.

 

So at the bus stop this morning I gave my neighbor the VERY abridged version. The look on her face was just blank. I had thought that she would have been much more pleased, particularly since my daughter reacted SOOO positively, and because my neighbor's personality is usually much more animated. It was like I stunned her with a 2x4 upside the head, and I'm not quite sure why the reaction was so... neutral?

 

Just had my morning chat with SO and the only thing he could think of was that maybe she didn't expect me to actually reveal it to my daughter - like she knows my general nature is to wait until the last minute or just let things happen but not really take the initiative myself and this was a surprise to her, but I don't know.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

[Thornton]

Your approach sounds fine to me, I'm glad your daughter was so happy about the whole thing. Ignore your neighbour's reaction.

[imetmysoulmate4life]

Hi kiwi i agree with thornton just ignore your neighbor, what matters most is that your daughter is happy with what you are doing and that you yourself are happy, hope all works out great for you good luck.

[Island Girl]

She was probably stunned that it went so well and had the wind taken out of her sails a little bit.

 

I'm sure she is used to people screwing things like this up or approaching it badly.

 

You and your STBEX have always been more amicable than most and the both of you have put your daughter first through everything.

 

I am glad it went so well! It seems everything is falling in to place for you Kiki! :bunny:

[KikiW]

Update: we were all standing out at the bus stop waiting for the kids to get off the bus (me, my STBex and my neighbor) and she was still a little distant - not at jokey and smiling like she usually is. When my daughter got off the bus she ran up and gave me a picture she did in art class of me and my SO, with our names on it I told her it was beautiful, and my STBex also said something very complementary about it. Neighbor didn't say anything at all, but I smiled and nodded to her, to kind of say "see? she's so happy :)"

 

When I talked with STBex in the house he said he DEFINITELY got the vibe that as much as the neighbor has been going along with everything up to this point, this may have just been "too weird" for her. It would really be a shame if she can't get past it, because I really enjoy her company.

 

Also, my STBex revealed to our daughter that he has a love interest as well, and daughter was VERY happy about that too We think she was very concerned that whoever we ended up with wouldn't like her and now that she knows both our SOs and knows that they both adore her, she's very pleased.

 

I am SO happy things are working out so well. :bunny:

[norajane]

I'm happy for you, but I would have been a little stunned, too. I apologize if I'm out of line, but wow, THIS is sooooo over the top:

 

But when I told her, she was SO EXCITED! She turned into this quivering, squealing thing that went from date to proposal to marriage within about 2 minutes!

 

I called him right then and "asked him out" and she took the phone and went to go talk to him in private. Apparently told him he should buy me an engagement ring because I would like that

 

She also dictated a "love letter" that I should give to him - insisted I hand-write it because it's more romantic, and then she drew little hearts and our names on it

 

When my daughter got off the bus she ran up and gave me a picture she did in art class of me and my SO, with our names on it

[KikiW]

Over the top?

 

I suppose my kid has a flare for the dramatic. Whatever, as long as she's happy.

[thegoodlife]

Not over the top at all and it went even more perfect than you could have hoped, I'm so happy for you and your family!

[KikiW]

Thanks My STBex and I have been discussing whether we should find a therapist for her over the past few months. We interviewed a couple (first one was really unprofessional, the other was one of those "bully" types that messed with my head way too much). I did find someone very nice, but after explaining how she was reacting, particularly after we told her about our SOs, the therapist actually believes we are doing really well. So we are going to hold off and see how she does when we start making bigger changes in a couple months.

 

She spent about 20 minutes on the webcam with him tonight, making faces and teasing him. It was so sweet

 

*squee!*

[Mei Mei]

Both of my daughter know of my So, the elder one is not interested to know more, but she borrows the laptop which was provided by University for my online with him. I hope time will let her accept more. My 10 years old girl is responding exciting. Each time when she is there with me when I talk to him, she must get the phone to talk first. Yesterday, she even replace her photo with him which was taken in macdonald in March to replace the one with mummy! But there is a hard time still because she says i need to take her along to meet him each time instead of staying with sister and the philippino homehelper for a week or so!:bunny:

[KikiW]

Aww Mei Mei how sweet! Hopefully the older one will come around, but if she doesn't, at least she's not taking it out on you or something.

 

Good luck

[violaaa]

Yes KikiW,

 

Kids' responses are variated and changing. But I will give them more time to grow and see to the realness and positiveness of my new relationship to them also. Kids' acceptance is very crucial to me indeed. I would hope to put their benefits at the first place as possible. This is the reason why I can't fly to him immediately or to increase my visit to him in the short-run. They are both very sticky to me!:bunny:

[LovieDove24]

The only thing I can think of that would cause a sordid reaction (and popped up some curiousy in my mind) would be in regards to your STBex.

 

Why are you two splitting and how can your daughter be so ok to see you two move on so quickly? This isn't an accusatory question, I'm honestly wondering if the answer to this holds any key to why your neighbor was stunned.

[KikiW]

Why are you two splitting and how can your daughter be so ok to see you two move on so quickly? This isn't an accusatory question, I'm honestly wondering if the answer to this holds any key to why your neighbor was stunned.

 

Splitting because we are not compatible as a husband and wife. There are more personal reasons I prefer not to discuss, but essentially we lived as roommates to each other, with neither's needs being fulfilled. I had been depressed for a very long time, and I knew it was affecting my ability to be a good parent. We decided that rather than stay together "for the child" we would split now before resentment built up and we ended up very angry at each other. It was a gut-wrenching decision for me, as I come from divorced parents and swore I wouldn't do that to my kid, but it really was the best decision we could have made. Though we do love and respect each other very much, we are much happier now that we've decided our new paths and are very supportive of each other and our new partners. In fact, we will all be spending time together in about two weeks around the 4th of July holiday.

 

We have been separated since last September, told our daughter in October. We kept our relationships away from our daughter literally until last week (she has met both, but they were introduced as friends), so I think it's been appropriately long enough for us to "move on." Initially after she was told we would be divorcing, she certainly went through a period of uncertainty, but my STBex and I have remained a good parental team - we reiterate our love and support of her, we still spend some time together with her (it is still a habit to make dinner and watch an episode of Enterprise all together while eating), and we answer her questions as truthfully as possible. I think because she has met both our SOs, and both myself and my STBex have spoken positively about the other's SO, she feels more comfortable with the situation. She had also said she was worried that a boyfriend or girlfriend might not like her (of course we told her that we would never date someone who didn't like her - she is part of the "package"), and she knows both our SO's like her a lot so I think her mind was put at ease.

 

As for the neighbor/friend, she's getting back to her more "normal" self, but still not 100%. I just can't quite put my finger on it.

[broken umbrella]

Are you still living with your STBex? If so this could be the reason for your friends reaction. For a young child the divorce process can be very confusing, especially if you live together for an extended period of time. It also seems like your daughter may be looking to your new SO as a replacement for her father. She is already talking marriage... not okay in my opinion. I would have responded the same as she did: keep my mouth shut.

 

I understand that you are happy with the recent developments, but your childs reaction IS over the top. She may not really understand what is happening. Food for thought.

[KikiW]

Yes, we are still co-habitating - sleeping at opposite ends of the house.

 

I can tell you she certainly is NOT looking at my SO as a replacement for her father, nor have I made any hint of that being his role. She is extremely close with her dad and I would never come between (or allow anyone else to come between) that bond.

 

My daughter is going into 3rd grade (t'ween love story/high school musical phase of life) and prone to being imaginative and romantically dramatic anyway - I didn't encourage her discussions of marriage (tempered it with "Let's see how the first date goes" because that is the extent of her knowledge). The initial giddiness has passed and things have settled down.

 

Perhaps my friend WAS surprised by my daughter's reaction and since things have settled down she's getting back to normal.

[Jilly Bean]

I think your neighbor was probably surprised you involve your child so much in your love life. To some, it can be perceived as inappropriate.

[KikiW]

How is informing my daughter about my SO inappropriate? Are parents supposed to hide their relationships from their children forever? Or just until they are 18 and legal adults?

 

 

Besides, this was a topic we had already discussed. She knew I was worried about my kid's reaction when I told her, so this was the "hey I told her and it went great!" follow up.

[Rollercoasterr]

Kiki I'm really proud of what you did and I'm thrilled that it went well. I don't agree that what you've done is inappropriate or in any way wrong. Your daughter needed to know about both of your SO's and now she does. Children aren't stupid. I knew what was going on when I was a child way more than anyone gave me credit for and it frustrated me when they would hide things like that. I'm not a mother, so I'm sure that some mothers will pull out that card about my response, but I don't think it benefits anyone for a child not to know vital information that makes both of their parents so happy.

 

[KikiW]

Thanks Roller, I appreciate your support I know I'm not a perfect parent, but I'm confident that my STBex and I are doing the very best we can in this situation. My daughter said very early on that she wanted to know about stuff when WE knew about them - like when I would move out and when the divorce would be final. Every step of the way we have been as open as possible, and involved her where we could (like when I moved out of the bedroom, I told her when I would do it and she helped me decorate my new bedroom with me). I felt guilty not telling her about our SOs earlier, but we both wanted to make sure the relationships were very solid first.

 

I guess what surprises me most is how people react so oddly to the whole thing. I suppose the norm is for divorcing couples to be angry and bitter with each other, with nasty legal battles and children who get caught in the middle of it. The fact that two people can be friendly and supportive through this situation seems to boggle their minds. Oh well! I am happy to buck the trend

 

(Kind of reminds me of when I was pregnant with her... So many people said "oh, you feel good now? Just wait until XYZ, then you'll feel like hell...", or when I said I wanted a drug-free birth a few said "Oh just wait until the contractions start, then you'll be begging for the drugs..." Aside from some sciatic discomfort that was eased by sleeping with a pillow between my knees, my pregnancy was AWESOME. And I gave birth with a midwife and no drugs. Told 'em all they could suck it. )

[Island Girl]

The Psychology of divorce states:

 

"Indeed, the family going through divorce does not break up, but rather is restructured and reorganized."

 

This is true no matter the feelings of the two people involved in the divorce. But because your divorce is so amicable Kiki it is a smoother transition than all I have ever heard of.

 

The two of you have done everything right.

 

There has been nor will there be a "choosing of sides" where the child is used and abused with custody, etc.

 

This same article has many stages of divorce -- but you my dear friend seem to have skipped all of the emotional, damaging, antagonistic, etc. stages and began with what would be the Postdivorce Stage. This is described as:

 

"The stage following the divorce is one of exploration, redirection, and reequilibration. It is a time of making independent choices, based on a single life. If the divorce was settled successfully, feelings of optimism, self-confidence, independence, and acceptance may abound. A spouse may re-enter the world of work or perhaps take a new job and may begin reaching out to new friends, engage in new activities and interests, and begin to seek out a new love relationship. Helping the children to accept the divorce and to stabilize their relationship with both parents is an important task of this period."

 

It is estimated this time period is within a couple of years AFTER the divorce.

 

Great job Kiki!!!!!!! And STBex, of course.

 

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry state:

 

With care and attention, however, a family's strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict. Talking to children about a divorce is difficult. The following tips can help both the child and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations:

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
  
• Tell your child together with your spouse.
  
• Keep things simple and straight-forward.
  
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
  
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
  
• Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
  
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.
  

They go on to say:

 

"Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together."

 

 

It sounds like you did all of this. Did you look it up?

Because it seemed you covered all of the bases in making her feel loved and just as supported by both of you as ever -- with reassurances that it will stay that way.

 

 

Most people, like me do not know anyone who has split the way you and your STBex have.

The bitter, long drawn out, anger ridden, insult flinging, damaging to all divorce is most familiar I think.

 

You just have a whole different ball game going on.

 

That may be so difficult for others to understand.

 

But I admire the way the two of you have both made your child the priority after coming to this decision yourselves without anger, resentment, or push-me-pull-you crap.

 

CHEERS!!

[KikiW]

Wow IG, thank you for posting that, I hadn't read any of that before and I am so glad to see that we are apparently on the right track and way ahead of the curve. I did get some suggestions from my therapist, but aside from that we are pretty much winging it.

 

That's not to say we are totally zen all the time, the process was very painful especially in the beginning when we simply had to take off the blinders are look closely at our life together, and even at present I acknowledge some natural jealousies that I must deal with... we each made mistakes, but to try and figure out which mistake was worse (ergo which spouse was the one ultimately at fault) is pointless and only attempts to soothe one of our egos. Having a wonderful little girl actually helps to keep us focused on our target goal of "restructuring" the family instead of the usual break up.

 

I feel like I have been doing things wrong for so long, it's nice to feel like I might actually be doing something right

[Island Girl]

Wow IG, thank you for posting that, I hadn't read any of that before and I am so glad to see that we are apparently on the right track and way ahead of the curve. I did get some suggestions from my therapist, but aside from that we are pretty much winging it.

 

That's not to say we are totally zen all the time, the process was very painful especially in the beginning when we simply had to take off the blinders are look closely at our life together, and even at present I acknowledge some natural jealousies that I must deal with... we each made mistakes, but to try and figure out which mistake was worse (ergo which spouse was the one ultimately at fault) is pointless and only attempts to soothe one of our egos. Having a wonderful little girl actually helps to keep us focused on our target goal of "restructuring" the family instead of the usual break up.

 

I feel like I have been doing things wrong for so long, it's nice to feel like I might actually be doing something right

 

No problem chicka!!