WHY NC Is Often Needed For A Sucessfull Reconciliation

[CaliGuy]

This is interesting.

 

I sense a little war going on here, everyone is just throwing pebbles, but CG has a tommy gun and rack of grenades (shown in words;).

 

Put your gun down and pick up a flower.

 

I think you are all right to a certain extent, but CG you HAVE TO REMEMBER that EVERY PERSON AND SITUATION is NOT THE SAME.

Not every ex is looking for validation, not every ex is looking to screw the dumpee over.

 

 

Whilst I think you have a lot of very, very good advice and experience to give, I feel that it can sometimes be somewhat one sided and i reckon if you put as much effort into helping people get back together as you do getting them to stay apart, YOUR life will take a better turn.

Please dont take offence to this, as I say it with all due respect.

 

Soul

 

Never said all situations are the same but most do fall into a familar pattern.

[BCCA]

I think you are all right to a certain extent, but CG you HAVE TO REMEMBER that EVERY PERSON AND SITUATION is NOT THE SAME.

Not every ex is looking for validation, not every ex is looking to screw the dumpee over.

 

I used to think that every situation is different, and advice HAD to be given on individual circumstances only.

 

Honestly, most of this is 999/1000 kind of stuff. Almost ALL behavior and situations fall into a pattern, and following the pattern is a smarter way to look at it than hoping to be that 1-2% that are different.

 

helping people get back together as you do getting them to stay apart

 

Problem is, most people here have been dumped, and need to think with their HEADS, not their heard. None of us can really help them get back together, as chances are, they wont. The best thing they can do is consider it over and move on, regardless of whether they get back together or not.

[CaliGuy]

I used to think that every situation is different, and advice HAD to be given on individual circumstances only.

 

Honestly, most of this is 999/1000 kind of stuff. Almost ALL behavior and situations fall into a pattern, and following the pattern is a smarter way to look at it than hoping to be that 1-2% that are different.

 

Exactly.

 

Problem is, most people here have been dumped, and need to think with their HEADS, not their heard. None of us can really help them get back together, as chances are, they wont. The best thing they can do is consider it over and move on, regardless of whether they get back together or not.

 

Yep. People who are critical of my advise think that I "must be bitter" and my motivation for my advice is partial. That I am "trying" to keep people apart.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth. But in order for their to be happiness and contentment in one's life, they have to break free from the ex and heal. If there is to be a reconcilliation, the dumper is going to have to be the one to initiate it (if it's to last), not the dumpee.

 

So many people worry that if they implement NC (and heal) that their ex would forget about them. If they do not want you, it doesn't matter if they forget you or not (they won't forget you, but everyone uses that as an excuse and it's BOGUS!).

 

The reason behind NC and being firm is to get the dumpee to heal in the shortest amount of time possible. That way, if the dumper wants to come back you can make the choice of taking them back or not. In most cases, you'll have found someone new so this won't be an issue!

[BCCA]

I've been called 'bitter' as well, but for me its honestly that I hope I can convince others to avoid the same mistakes I made. As much as we want to believe that our circumstances and situations are all so different, Ive been here less than a year and seen at least a dozen people whose ex's said and did the same thing as mine, and they ended up with the same results.

 

The part about forgetting you is spot on. Seriously, you never completely forget anyone unless they were such an insignifigant part of their life that they forgot. If you were dating someone for even 6 months, or were in love, theyre never going to forget you. The reason they arent contacting you is because they dont want to, plain and simple.

[BearPower]

Point made guys.

Im defeated.

 

All this hope has only made things worse for me............

[BCCA]

Point made guys.

Im defeated.

 

All this hope has only made things worse for me............

 

The good news is that youre now seeing things clearly and on your way to getting over them. Hope just holds you back, and makes you do things that you later regret.

[NopeNah]

"hope in one hand and **** in the other..see which fills up first!"

[CaliGuy]

SoulBear, it's not about winning or losing. It's about WIN/WIN.

 

If you go NC and you heal yourself up, that is a WIN/WIN. How? Because when you heal up you will most likely find someone new. WIN. If you heal up and your ex wants you back and you want her back, that is a WIN. WIN/WIN.

 

If you do not stick to NC and heal in the shortest timeframe possible, it's a LOSS. You LOSE out on meeting someone new. And if your ex wants to reconcile it's a loss because you won't be in the right frame of mind for a second chance to work. LOSE/LOSE.

 

See what I mean? The point of NC, the point of sticking to your guns and not building up hope in something that may or may not happen is to get your mind into the healing frame of mind.

 

Once you are a fully healed and have moved on with your life, you'll look upon this experience for exactly what it is. An EXPERIENCE you learned and grew from.

[paperchase]

Hey,

 

I'm been MIA for a month or so working through a second, make that third, chance. I got dumped and she came back. We're in couples counseling now and I am flipping the bill. She left the other guy and says I'm the one. She's into me now like she was when we first fell in love. I'm ambivalent because I can't forget how much she hurt me. Read my millions of post on here, about 200 were deleted, if you need to feel my pain.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure about the connecting the dots theory. At the outset of a relationship as you tell your story, you draw the picture. You control the image. Every man or woman has a story to tell and when someone likes yours they can fall for you. I don't think women are hearing your story and rewriting it in their moments of solitude. I don't think you can erase that image with NC, but you can give a partner to reevaluate whether it's an image they want in their life. By maintaining contact, you are simply reinforcing negative feelings about the image. Your aren't connecting dots anymore, you are coloring in the spaces with indelible ink.

 

The real deal is even when you reconcile, no matter how slow you take it, you come back together knowing what that picture looks like. You are making a decision that at some level you want and accept it. Maybe you need counseling; maybe you need to work on trust; maybe you need to be less needy; but you don't go back in thinking the person you are returning to is nothing like the person you left. Maybe you hope they are a little more like the person you initially fell in love with.

 

Now listen to CaliGuy and BCCA because they are going to be right 99% of the time. If they are jaded, and I'm not saying that's the case, it's based on personal experience and the thousands of experiences they've learned about here. And don't equate me with a success story because I have achieved nothing yet. My first second chance was shortlived...about a month. This one seems to have staying power, but it's really too early to tell.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

PC good to see an update and that you BOTH are in couple's counseling. I hope the Counselor is helping her work through her insecurities. I believe that is the major reason (aside from the kids/ex wife issue) that pushed her away.

 

Give us an update when you have some time.