My wife says she doesn't love me anymore

[NO LIMITS]

Well this is my first time here and I am in a very bad place right now. My wife of 15 years has told me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me and we are over. We are still living together however she is trying to get out as fast as she can. I have expressed to her that I do not want this to end and she has told me several times that it is going to end. We have three children that we have not told yet and the thought of telling them just breaks my heart. I have been going through all the emotions so far, sadness, horror, denial, hate, remorse...blah blah blah. We have agreed to do our best to be civil with all of this and to try and do it ourselves without giving our money to the lawyers as the end result will be the same. I have recently retired at very young age and I plan on having a second career. I have been staying at home doing home renovations and taking care of the children when they are not in school. She wants everything to be 50/50 and so do I. Last night she told me that she wants me to get the house ready to sell after I finish will the renovations (she will be moved out any time now) She wants me to do all the work to prepare the house and look after the children at the same time. I told her that I cannot do it all by myself and that I need her help. She says that she has to get out before she ends up changing her mind and end up staying. I would think that if she thinks she may change her mind, is this what she really wants?

 

Once she is out we plan of doing a 50/50 split of the custody of the three children however she wants me to look after them through out the day time to save her money on childcare. I told her that is like a 75/25 split and I thought we were going to do things 50/50,again I told here I cannot do it all and I feel like she wants me to so she can reap the rewards...I am wrong in thinking this? I am not sure. I am also not sure how money works after a couple splits. I am currently on a disability pension and she tells me that she is entitled to half. Again I am not sure about this but it is my disability not hers, this disability is what ended my career. Once I do get a second career and it will be well after our split, she wants me to give her half of the money that I will make. She ways if I do not then we will have to go thorugh the lawyers, she tells me " Well I guess we cannot stay away from teh courts with that attitude" Again, am I missing something...

 

OMG I am not looking forward to this and I wish it was not happening, I don't think I am strong enough to do this.

[Gunny376]

There are certain types of income which are not attachable for alimony, and less I'm mistaken? Disability is one of them. You need to check with an attorney to make sure and certain, but I'm almost positive she can't touch you for that part of you income.

 

Once you start a second career? That's a different story, but these days in most states alimony is only temporary. Two to three years of 'rehabilitative" alimony at best.

 

Thing is? She's unlikely to get it after the divorce ~ alimony is seldom retroactive after the divorce. If she didn't get it in the initial filing, she's unlikely to ever get it.

 

She's listening to the GF's telling her, "Girl you can get this, and you can do that, and you can have this and that!"

 

You need to 'lawyer up' and protect yourself ~ or she's going to have you for lunch!

[seibert253]

As Gunny said, contact and retain an attorney ASAFP.

On a side note, is she seeing someone else?

You may want to start investigating. Checking her emails, keylogger on computer, checking cell phone records.

If she is, this may or may not help you in a divorce.

[mark982]

i sure as hell wouldn't be putting your $$ into finishing the house.tell her"well this is what it's gonna cost i need half from you before i buy it" she sounds like a money grabber. see how fast she stalls at giving you the $$.my bet is you won't see a dime.no money,no work.

[Enema]

Wow, she sounds horribly mean and selfish.

 

I agree with the others, she's taking you for a ride and you need to lawyer up.

 

Time to stop being her doormat and realize that you have to protect your future now, not your past.

[Biggie25x]

Yeah, listen to the people on this forum. No matter what you may think now, she is not looking out for your best interests. She is most likely not coming back. You need to protect yourself and your children. Don't give her anything, don't agree to anything. TALK TO A LAWYER first.

 

Take what little control of the situation you can. If she wants a divorce than let her have one. Don't let her be the only one dictating the terms. Start taking care of yourself and realize this is your new reality.

 

Keep your chin up. You may think the emotions are over but you're in for the ride of your life. Get ready, it's wild.

 

Keep posting, it helps.

[Ronni_W]

Once I do get a second career and it will be well after our split, she wants me to give her half of the money that I will make. She ways if I do not then we will have to go thorugh the lawyers, she tells me " Well I guess we cannot stay away from teh courts with that attitude" Again, am I missing something...

If you haven't yet clued-in that she may be trying to screw you over then, yes, you are missing something. It's a possibility that she may be trying to screw you over.

 

Even though you have sort of "agreed in principle" not to use lawyers, that just doesn't sound as if it will be in your or your children's best interest.

I may have missed if she is working -- you may be entitled to alimony, as well as child support if you do end up caring for the kids for the bulk of the time.

 

Get a lawyer...to protect your children's interests and your own. I'm not even sure you ought to be emphasizing your plans for a second career. (Depends on medical specifics and such, but check with your lawyer before you shoot yourself in the foot, so to speak.)

 

Divorce does suck. I'm sorry you're going through it.

[Steadfast]

Well this is my first time here and I am in a very bad place right now. My wife of 15 years has told me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me and we are over...

 

I stopped reading right there.

 

I know it is hard, but no matter what she says there is someone else. This is the standard line, the horrible line, and also know this; she's been planning it for awhile. Most likely, because of her great and intense interest in money she delayed 'D-Day' until she had someone else lined up. Another big sign of this is moving out and leaving the kids with you. When my ex told me this I called her bluff and offered to move (I had no intention) but she basically beat me out the door. Since then, she has told me the whole story about what she was going through, who he was, and how it all went down. Why? There's nothing to lose! The divorce is final so why not get if off her chest and release the guilt? Oh the tangled web we weave...

 

Of course, she's really secretive about current events. Do tell.

 

You are right; you can't handle it so get a lawyer. Now.

[NO LIMITS]

Wow, I did not expect so many opinions so quickly..thanks everyone. I do not think I am missing anything here, I mean why would I not tell everyone on here the truth, I have nothing to loose. So far everyone thinks I should get a lawyer and that scares me because they are just money mongers and the end result would be the same...does anyone have an opionion on a mediator?

[NO LIMITS]

She has admitted to me previously that she wants the freedom to be with other men. And yes she does really like someone that I have known about and I thought it was all innocent, I recently caught her sending him an email telling how much she thought of him all night (she was with me at an event all night) and she ended the email with a "Love Me" This is a guy that I thought was a friend and I mentioned to her that I was going to confronting him about this. She called him the next day to tell him that He and I needed to talk and he called me at home right away, He told me that she wanted to leave me earlier and we was doing his best to get her to stay with me, he admitting to the flirting and said that it was wrong and that he was sorry for it and said he should have told me....he said that they flirt with each other in front of me all the time and I admitted that I was aware and I was ok with it too. Of course I thought it was all just innocent.

I stopped reading right there.

 

I know it is hard, but no matter what she says there is someone else. This is the standard line, the horrible line, and also know this; she's been planning it for awhile. Most likely, because of her great and intense interest in money she delayed 'D-Day' until she had someone else lined up. Another big sign of this is moving out and leaving the kids with you. When my ex told me this I called her bluff and offered to move (I had no intention) but she basically beat me out the door. Since then, she has told me the whole story about what she was going through, who he was, and how it all went down. Why? There's nothing to lose! The divorce is final so why not get if off her chest and release the guilt? Oh the tangled web we weave...

 

Of course, she's really secretive about current events. Do tell.

 

You are right; you can't handle it so get a lawyer. Now.

[NO LIMITS]

This is not the first time I have been told that she is selfish and uncaring as well.

Wow, she sounds horribly mean and selfish.

 

I agree with the others, she's taking you for a ride and you need to lawyer up.

 

Time to stop being her doormat and realize that you have to protect your future now, not your past.

[NO LIMITS]

I did put a keylogger on our computer and I watched or should I say monitored her for a very long time, she was very disloyal on emails but never was there any evidence of anything physical, emotionally she has been with several other men online, call them sexy, hot stuff, babe, love etc......It was killing me but I did nothing because I wanted to see how far she was going to go...

As Gunny said, contact and retain an attorney ASAFP.

On a side note, is she seeing someone else?

You may want to start investigating. Checking her emails, keylogger on computer, checking cell phone records.

If she is, this may or may not help you in a divorce.

[Steadfast]

 

...So far everyone thinks I should get a lawyer and that scares me because they are just money mongers and the end result would be the same...

 

 

Yes, they are dogs but when you need one, you need one.

 

You need one.

 

I hired a paralegal and basically bluffed my ex into thinking I was doing her a favor. I told her my financial 'reserve' was begging me to take her to court and let the hammers fly, but I was trying to be a nice guy and save her the embarrassment of having her text's read in court, exposing some other 'mistakes' she made with the kids when I was out of town, etc. She took it (because she's a greedy user and didn't want to pay a lawyer...or lose and have to pay mine too) and the whole thing cost about $1200.

 

That's all I could muster...but she didn't know that.

 

Does this sound like I'm proud? Sticking my chest out? Think again. It absolutely broke my heart and made me sick. I loved and cared for this woman with all of my might. She was my baby, but, she gave it to someone else and threw me under the bus. Life is not fair.

 

Take care of your business and hang in there, OK? Be as nice as you can.

[NopeNah]

I did put a keylogger on our computer and I watched or should I say monitored her for a very long time, she was very disloyal on emails but never was there any evidence of anything physical, emotionally she has been with several other men online, call them sexy, hot stuff, babe, love etc......It was killing me but I did nothing because I wanted to see how far she was going to go...

you need to keep track of all of those e-mails,converations, whatever..those will be very valuable in court..and thats where this IS going! Keep records on everything that she's done/is doing..again great info/ammo to have! Stock up on any and evrything you can...it's a war! and she is the enemy!

[lap561]

How much does a lawyer for this sort of issues usually cost? I'm going through thoe same thing but I think it's still at an early stage. She just dropped the bomb last week. I just found out tonight why she wants to separate and that's because she want to try sleeping with a different man. How can women think like this? You treat them nice all the time and this is how they repay you?

 

Anyways, I wish I had some money to hire someone to watch her every move from this point on. She uses her work pc so I can't install a keylogger on it.

[NopeNah]

How much does a lawyer for this sort of issues usually cost? I'm going through thoe same thing but I think it's still at an early stage. She just dropped the bomb last week. I just found out tonight why she wants to separate and that's because she want to try sleeping with a different man. How can women think like this? You treat them nice all the time and this is how they repay you?

 

Anyways, I wish I had some money to hire someone to watch her every move from this point on. She uses her work pc so I can't install a keylogger on it.

Depends on what kind of situation you NAIL them in! When I went thru mine.,. I only had had to hire an imagration lawyer..she was like my secratary...I spoke on my behalf in court! Because she(lawyer) was horrible! There was a child involved in my case which i now have full custody of and I'm a guy(she was 4)...do your homework and have your stuff together is all I can say!

[DNU1]

My wife of 15 years has told me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me and we are over. We are still living together however she is trying to get out as fast as she can. I have expressed to her that I do not want this to end and she has told me several times that it is going to end.

 

NL:

 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but your wife IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. It may be an EA (emotional affair) at this time, or it may be a PA (physical affair)

 

The "love you but no longer in love with you" is typical wayward spouse speak. As is the wanting to move out. She wants to be away from you so she can continue the affair without you interfering.

 

First, snoop to gather information. Keylog the computer, check cell phone records, clone her phone to see texts, if she's got a smartphone (blackberry, iphone, windows mobile) get flexispy.com and snoop her tail off. Put a voice activated recorder in her car, GPS her car, hire a PI to follow her. You MUST find out who the other man is!

 

You MUST gather information, and fast.

 

Where has she moved to? Apartment?

 

And start dragging your feet on renovations and selling the house. buy yourself time to gather information.

 

Once you find out who the other man is you have to make a decision...do you want to recover the marriage or head to Plan D (divorce).

 

DO NOT let her know you are snooping or have any inclination that she is having an affair. Waywards will take their affair deeper underground if they suspect you know. Be kind to her, be gentle, meet her needs...and SNOOP her tail off!

 

I know part of you is thinking "this DNU is crazy..." but trust me on this one. Snoop her! Find out what has caused her to go bat-chit crazy and move out of the house.

 

And be prepared for bad news...

 

PM me if you need more info. I'm happy to help. I've dealt with three DDays (discovery days) and FOUR OMs (other men). It's icky business, but your wife is exhibiting typical wayward spouse behavior.

[DNU1]

you need to keep track of all of those e-mails,converations, whatever..those will be very valuable in court..and thats where this IS going! Keep records on everything that she's done/is doing..again great info/ammo to have! Stock up on any and evrything you can...it's a war! and she is the enemy!

 

she's not the enemy...the AFFAIR is the ENEMY!

 

She's a wayward spouse. AN affair is like a drug...they can't walk away from it. It draws them in. They are like crack-addicts.

 

But marriages can recover from affairs. It's a long, hard and narrow path, but you can do it.

 

Gather intel to help stop the affair. Snoop.

 

When you have the proof and if you decide to recover the marriage, head back here and post. I can tell you good ways to help end the affair and how to recover the marriage. I've read tons of books and sites dealing with affairs. It's messy business...but it can help in recovery.

 

Hang tough!!!

[Ronni_W]

everyone thinks I should get a lawyer and that scares me because they are just money mongers

Possibly it will still be worth it if you just paid for one or two hours of consultations -- just to make sure that you have informed yourself of all the potential pitfalls and mistakes to watch out for.

[NO LIMITS]

She has not moved out yet, she is still looking, it has only been 3 days since she told me. I want to keep everything as stable as possible for our children, they are my main concern here. I would like to keep the house if it is at all possible. I am just not sure if I can afford it but I will do whatever it takes to have as much familiar surroundings for the kids as possible, I am more that willing to buy her out of her share of the home equity and take over the mortgage all on my own. As long as the bank agrees with me, I know the house is not worth as much right now as it will be once the renovations are complete and I am the one doing all of the work. We borred the money for the renovations together so it is as much hers as it is mine, But all the work and the labour savings is coming from me and it is not fair for her to gain from this.

NL:

 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but your wife IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. It may be an EA (emotional affair) at this time, or it may be a PA (physical affair)

 

The "love you but no longer in love with you" is typical wayward spouse speak. As is the wanting to move out. She wants to be away from you so she can continue the affair without you interfering.

 

First, snoop to gather information. Keylog the computer, check cell phone records, clone her phone to see texts, if she's got a smartphone (blackberry, iphone, windows mobile) get flexispy.com and snoop her tail off. Put a voice activated recorder in her car, GPS her car, hire a PI to follow her. You MUST find out who the other man is!

 

You MUST gather information, and fast.

 

Where has she moved to? Apartment?

 

And start dragging your feet on renovations and selling the house. buy yourself time to gather information.

 

Once you find out who the other man is you have to make a decision...do you want to recover the marriage or head to Plan D (divorce).

 

DO NOT let her know you are snooping or have any inclination that she is having an affair. Waywards will take their affair deeper underground if they suspect you know. Be kind to her, be gentle, meet her needs...and SNOOP her tail off!

 

I know part of you is thinking "this DNU is crazy..." but trust me on this one. Snoop her! Find out what has caused her to go bat-chit crazy and move out of the house.

 

And be prepared for bad news...

 

PM me if you need more info. I'm happy to help. I've dealt with three DDays (discovery days) and FOUR OMs (other men). It's icky business, but your wife is exhibiting typical wayward spouse behavior.