Was it sexual abuse? Embarrassing confession...

[girl1982]

I have a terrible confession. I know i'm not alone when i say that i feel somewhat responsible for the abuse that i endured as a teen by my Father. What annoys me is the fact that i may have once provoked it.

 

I need to get this off my chest, please tell me if i was wrong and disgusting - your honesty would be so much appreciated. Once, i felt so aroused that i didn't want to stop him, in fact i may have kept kissing him.

 

Is kissing Sexual Abuse?? (passionate kissing).. I keep reliving this memory and feel uncomfortable with it now that i'm older.

 

What annoys me even more than that is that i sometimes think of these events as an erotic thing when i'm either on my own or with a partner, i WISH i could stop. I can't understand that I hate what happened yet it turns me on???

[TaraMaiden]

No.

You are neither wrong, nor disgusting.

This probably happened at a time when your own sexuality was developping, and you were in a hormonally-confused state.

It's natural for some girls to develop feelings for their fathers that might be deemed improper, but as often the first male figure in a girl's life, it can cause confusion when a child is transforming into a woman.

Also, these feelings and emotions do not get played out - usually.

 

I understand that you feel you might have encouraged it - but get this - PLEASE get this:

 

Whilst your feelings and responses may be put down to your physical/emotional/hormonal development,

 

THERE IS NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER FOR HIS ABUSE OF YOU.

He is completely guilty and to blame for doing this. He has no excuse at all, and is entirely responsible for his actions.

because he did what he did at a time when you were coming into womanhood, it has remained with you, and is a source of eroticism.

Well, ok.

But it obviously bothers you, so I think it vital you obtain some form of psychosexual counselling.

Nobody will judge you.

Nobody will condemn you.

I can bet you anything you like that they will have heard it all before, and heard much worse, too. Guaranteed.

But get help.

Otherwise, unless you have professional support to just straighten stuff out in your mind, this is going to bother you for ever.

And it shouldn't.

It should certainly be bothering your dad though.

His contribution is inexcusable.

[girl1982]

TaraMaiden thank you so kindly for your reply. Your words have made a lot of sense to me, I was young and taken advantage of. I guess it's very hard to write down all of the things I endured throughout my childhood, but in a nutshell he was only "touchy" with me after a physical abuse session, the guilt got the better of him, he felt sorry for me (?) and pleeded that he didn't mean to hurt me. I suffered from the age of eleven through to sixteen. No support, even authorities turned a blind eye.

 

I was very traumatised and even attempted suicide during those darker days.

 

I am now twenty-five and battling bulimia, which i've had for eight years. I've recently been through inpatient therapy and now do outpatient treatment so am currently dealing with a therapist on a weekly basis. I am being treated for depression, and addictions. I'm a mess!!! But the main thing is that i'm aware of how much i've got to fix in my life and I DO want to live and be normal.

 

Do you think it's ok to talk to my Eating Disorder Specialist about the intimate details in regards to the "sexual-side-of-things" as a teen?

 

I've always been pretty promiscious, I enjoy sex, but funny enough I don't know if I do it because I'm enjoying it or if i'm actually enjoying the attention- I mean, it's very rare that i'll allow myself to climax with someone.

 

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to reply to me, you have put my mind much more at ease. I needed to hear that.

 

x

[busy_married_student]

Your father sexually and physically abused you for years. That will mess with anyone's brain. and yes it was sexual abuse!!!

As far as getting aroused during it...Arousal has two components: psychological (being attracted to someone, or using your imagination) and physical (actually being touched). Either one can cause arousal, though it works best to have both.

So his touching you could arouse you without your actually wanting it, so don't feela shamed by that. Even after my ex raped me several times, I would still get aroused sometimes when he kissed me. I wasn't attracted to him. however, kissing, touching, even sex can feel good even with somebody you don't actually want to be doing those things.

 

as far as thinking of those things later. you were aroused, the sensation was pleasurable, and probably the first time you had felt that way?? my guess is that it is that feeling you enjoy the memory of?

 

in reality nobody is normal, we all carry hurts and burdens. what happened to you is horrible and there will always be a "scar" there but I hope that one day you heal.

Whether or not to confide in your eating specialist depends on your realtionship and only you know that. also perhaps on whether they have general counseling training. you might want to go more specialized, but if you feel close to your eating specialist, that is a good place to start. I listen to such stories and i have no training in psych, however I do not offer advice because it is outside of my field. i can only offer a listening ear. in the same manner if your eating specialist does not have counseling training, I would caution against following their advice before you consult another trained professional.

(if "weekly therapist" person is "eating disorder specialist", then I would say talk to him/her about your past abuse)

 

i feel so bad for you, and I think i can empathize at least a little. my dad got drunk and molested me once. he was never physically abusive, but he was quite verbally. now that is done, but I still struggle sometimes with low self esteem even though it has been years. I would try to encourage you a little, as it does get better!! your case sounds worse, but with help and time, you will heal.

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden thank you so kindly for your reply. Your words have made a lot of sense to me,

I'm delighted to have been some help.

 

I was very traumatised and even attempted suicide during those darker days.

I am now twenty-five and battling bulimia, which i've had for eight years. I've recently been through inpatient therapy and now do outpatient treatment so am currently dealing with a therapist on a weekly basis. I am being treated for depression, and addictions. I'm a mess!!!

 

Well, that would certainly explain a lot then, huh?

 

(. . .)Do you think it's ok to talk to my Eating Disorder Specialist about the intimate details in regards to the "sexual-side-of-things" as a teen?

I echo b_m_s on this one.

For my own part - and I am neither trained nor qualified to say anything, really - I think your history has much to do with your current situation.

And I think it imperative you definitely talk to someone, but it's very important you do so within your own 'comfort zone'.

Your experience may well have bearing on your current issues, but this is not for me to say.

 

I've always been pretty promiscious, I enjoy sex, but funny enough I don't know if I do it because I'm enjoying it or if i'm actually enjoying the attention- I mean, it's very rare that i'll allow myself to climax with someone.

Well, that's for you to address, but again, it's a hard one to assess.....

 

I would just like to add something which I hope may be of help, but please understand: I speak entirely from my own personal perspective and experience.

 

I had some significant trauma as a kid.

There's no point elaborating, for 2 reasons:

One - I'm not about to thread-jack, and

Two - I am so over it, it's completely insignificant and irrelevant to me now.

 

In a nutshell, I tried many different avenues open to me, to try to meet these issues head-on, challenge them, deal with them, face them and forget them. I tryed Hypnosis, regressive therapy, counselling, and all manner of other new-age popular methods....

All to no avail.

In the end, I was reading every single self-help, self-development and self-healing books you could ever care to mention.

You could list them all, and you'd probably still miss one or two!

 

In the end, I came to the realisation that all these issues from my past were actually acting as an emotional crutch, because they were so handy to lean on!

(Remember, this is just me, speaking about me, ok? I'm just telling you how it was with me....)

I realised that all my behaviour 'today' was entirely dependent on the events of 'yesterday' and that rather than dismissing them and eliminating them, I was actually "keeping them alive and kicking" because effectively, I had handed over 'control' of my thinking and feeling to them.

I felt today what I felt today, because I still gave yesterday all the power to govern my today.

 

And I didn't have to do that.

There was no need.

There was no impulse, other than the one I was voluntarily supplying.

 

There was I, trying tirelessly to come to terms with my past - when in fact actually, the whole time, I was just refreshing it and keeping it simmering!

 

We give situations power by permitting them to obscure our vision.

 

I finally came to terms with my past, when I actually decided, one fine day, that I was going to refuse, from that day onward, to permit my past to underpin my present.

My past is who I was, but my Past is NOT who I am.

 

Life is hard.

But it's for living.

 

I really do wish you well in everything you do.

I wish you courage, fortitude, strength and fibre, and I wish you love.

Chiefly, from you - to you.

[missdependant]

Regardless of "who provoked it", he should have been able to dismiss ANY temptation.

 

Like you, I was sexually abused as a child/preteen, between the ages of 7 and 13. I have felt the same exact way, regarding things that happened with my step father. I have felt guilty, dirty and disgusting.. I've felt like it was my fault and I should have done more to prevent it. I felt like I betrayed my mother; I felt even more guilty when I came forward on the matter.

 

It's common among a lot of sexually abused kids and teenagers. Everyone who has endured some level of this trauma has experienced these feelings. The feelings are normal in these situations, but certainly not healthy.

 

More onto the question, no it is absolutely not your fault. His job as your father was to teach you the difference between fatherly love and impulsive lust. He should have been teaching you right from wrong from the very beginning; something you had no control over. He compromised your innocence. Obviously as a teenager, you're going to be curious about sexuality either way.. but he took advantage of that curiosity. That is something you certainly aren't accountable for.

 

The promiscuity is probably a direct result of what your father did to you. He was making it appear as this kind of attention is positive attention and that it's okay. If he was teaching you that sexual satisfaction is the only valid affection it's no wonder why you would be seeking it out as an adult.

 

It's a difficult psychology to deal with. Support groups, as lame as they seem are very helpful. Knowing that there are others out there who are dealing with the same issues, or have dealt with them already can answer some unanswered questions and I think help you feel less alone in this. Don't feel embarrassed.. many of the people there can probably relate to what you have and are struggling with. Even if you aren't there to talk or share your story, you can at least listen to the feelings of others.

 

Continue all of the counseling and therapy.. and to make sure you're being counseled SPECIFICALLY for the sexual abuse. I went through about 4 years of it, before REALLY coming to terms with it. And there are still some problems lingering. Especially in recently discovering that I'm expecting a female child. (Talk about paranoia!)

 

Good luck.. it's tough to overcome, but you'll get there.

[nama]

I realised that all my behaviour 'today' was entirely dependent on the events of 'yesterday' and that rather than dismissing them and eliminating them, I was actually "keeping them alive and kicking" because effectively, I had handed over 'control' of my thinking and feeling to them.

I felt today what I felt today, because I still gave yesterday all the power to govern my today.

 

And I didn't have to do that.

There was no need.

There was no impulse, other than the one I was voluntarily supplying.

 

There was I, trying tirelessly to come to terms with my past - when in fact actually, the whole time, I was just refreshing it and keeping it simmering!

 

We give situations power by permitting them to obscure our vision.

 

.

 

Tara Maiden this really hit me. The way you put it was bang on. How did you 'come to terms' with the things from your past? How did you overcome the issues?

[girl1982]

busy_married_studen: Thank you for your reply. I never thought of arousal as two components, but that makes a lot of sense.

I’m so sorry to hear that your ex raped you. That is just awful, my heart goes out to you.

 

Yes, it felt nice, I hate saying that!!! Yet you’ve made me aware that I felt that because it’s only one of the two components, right?

 

I have a lot of faith in my ED specialist, she has been a psychiatrist for over thirty years so her experience is extensive, she also makes me feel that I can trust someone for the first time in my life with her non-judgemental attitude towards me and I feel she is somehow making a difference to my life. I suspect that a lot of Eating Disordered patients have been victims of abuse, it’s strange the connection, yet somehow connected.

 

I feel that you must understand about the impact of abuse, my situation is no worse than yours – abuse is abuse, right? Thank you for giving me the hope that it gets better. I hope so, as i’m finding that as time goes by i’ve gotten more screwed up. It seems that when I was enduring abuse through those years I wasn’t as messed up as I am now. I don’t know why.

 

Thanks again for your reply to me. Lots of love.

 

xo

[girl1982]

TaraMaiden:

 

Thank you for sharing with me how you have tried to let go of the past.

 

I finally came to terms with my past, when I actually decided, one fine day, that I was going to refuse, from that day onward, to permit my past to underpin my present.

My past is who I was, but my Past is NOT who I am.

 

Wow, what a powerful, inspirational paragraph. I have never thought of life in that perspective but what you have just said is so true. I am not my past. I am glad to hear that you finally found the peace that you deserve. I admire that.

 

You have been wonderful with your kind words to me. You’ve given me some faith and I thank you.

 

Lots of love.

 

xxx

[missdependant]

 

Yes, it felt nice, I hate saying that!!! Yet you’ve made me aware that I felt that because it’s only one of the two components, right?

 

Don't feel bad saying this. It was embedded into your mind.

 

 

I suspect that a lot of Eating Disordered patients have been victims of abuse, it’s strange the connection, yet somehow connected.

 

There is a correlation with those who were sexually abused as kids having eating disorders, yes.

 

I feel that you must understand about the impact of abuse, my situation is no worse than yours – abuse is abuse, right?

 

No situation is worse than another situation; they all have traumatizing effects, and they all cause severe psychological harm...

 

I can't type everything I know about sexual abuse as much as I wish I could.. but I am hoping this link works and can offer you some additional insight. It has a lot of relevant information in it; some of which might reflect on your personality and your perceptions on life and love.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse#Psychological_harm

 

I used a lot of the info in it to write a report for a final. I found peace of mind while going to school for psychology. It may have even been more helpful than some of the counseling I received. I just didn't understand how damaging sexual abuse was until learning about the psychology of it all. I think understanding the effects of it can have a very positive role in learning to cope with those causes and effects. Even some of the most insignificant details can have a direct relation to the abuse you've endured during adolescence. Understanding it can be very helpful.

 

That's MY personal experience, anyway..

[Mary3]

My best friend was sexually abused by her father from the age of 5 to 13. She says she carries the shame of : "It felt good".

 

It seems to me that if you are very young and an adult were to arouse your lower region then it would indeed feel good. I think thats physical in origin. Also he might have made her feel * special and loved * when he did those things to her so she equates the emotional aspect as something she did that was right and good.

 

But she suffered terribly later. Very sexual promiscious , some prostitution and drug use. ( I think all those things are linked to her trauma )

 

She told her mother when she was 18. Her mom said " Omg why didnt you tell me years ago when I could have LEFT him. " The mom stays with this creep. That has to be the worse pain of all.