Author Mino Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 5 years, but how much of the 5 years did it take for him to actually leave? Before his wife found out etc.. But I do agree, 5 years is too long for her life to more or less be put on hold, waiting for the MM to crap or get off the pot. hmm, now I gotta think:o, She found out about us about 6 months after her child was born. He had moved out for the first time. I do believe she assumed something was going on before that, because he didnt get home many nights until 10,00 pm, ( she knew he got off work in early afternoon.) He moved out the second time the following year again. That is when we actually spoke. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 My post #21..Thoughts? Don't you think it is possible though that he is giving her just as many mixed messages? Loves her, but not INLOVE with her, yet he says he's going to leave, does, but then comes back? Has he ever gone on meds for his OCD or had counselling for it? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Mino I am sorry to hear about this. But this will work out. You have felt his sadness and ambivalence for some time. Now he has the opportunity to go back and see for himself whether he really needs to be there. And if he comes back (which I predict he will) you will set different boundaries. In the meantime, hang in there. You will get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 My post #21..Thoughts? Don't you think it is possible though that he is giving her just as many mixed messages? Loves her, but not INLOVE with her, yet he says he's going to leave, does, but then comes back? Has he ever gone on meds for his OCD or had counselling for it?Yes he was on meds for a year. They did help with his ocd. But he was a walking zombie, his personaltity changed, lots of side effects. I finally asked him to get off the stuff. You know at this point I have no clue what he is telling her, or IF he has even approched her yet. I am in the dark on that. I do know during the time we lived together, his conversations were short 1-3 minutes, he treated her with very little respect. When he does approched her, I am sure she will be surprised.... I know she has done very well without him, and was surprised how quick she adjusted to him moving. So my guess is as good as yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Mino I am sorry to hear about this. But this will work out. You have felt his sadness and ambivalence for some time. Now he has the opportunity to go back and see for himself whether he really needs to be there. And if he comes back (which I predict he will) you will set different boundaries. In the meantime, hang in there. You will get through this.Your right JJ33, its been wierd for awhile. You know I do believe everything happens for a reason. I think my lesson are a few, but the biggest one for me is "boundries" I did have any:eek: We went against what the ic said, he actually said this would happen if we didnt follow his directions. Ouchie!! He stated that we have nc for 6 months, to let the A, or old relationship die... that was just impossible to do, from both of our sides. When we did try, but then he would call, or I. I wanted to ignore the ic advice. I dont know what my guy lesson will be, but I am sure there are lessons for him too. Time will tell. I do know that above everything, I want him to be happy, even if that means not being with me. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Interesting that he said that (the IC). Look you did the best you could. You look back now and say you had no boundaries but if you two had sailed right thru you would be smiling saying yes, it was trying at times but my love for him is unconditional and he knew that and that is what got us through the tough times..... One woman's no boundaries is another woman' s unconditional love. I had been told the same thing - that if there was ever a chance that we would make things work the A had to die and we had to start from scratch after real NC. Actually with the exception of OWoman I think everyone whose relationship worked out here had that (or at least GEL and Old Europe both had that). The thing is you probably want things that you were not not asking for because of "his situation" in the future, you can set a different dynamic that takes your needs (other than your desire to be with him) into account as well. In the meantime, be good to yourself. Big hugs Link to post Share on other sites
4everloveu Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 As I read your post and my tears drop. I hope time can help you heal. It's hard but it will get better. ((HUG)) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I do know during the time we lived together, his conversations were short 1-3 minutes, he treated her with very little respect. When he does approched her, I am sure she will be surprised.... I know she has done very well without him, and was surprised how quick she adjusted to him moving. I think my lesson are a few, but the biggest one for me is "boundries" Eek. Mino, have you thought about drawing some boundaries right now about what you will and will not accept from him? If he's been disrespectful to her this past year, and she's done so well without him, maybe she won't take him back at all. Maybe she's discovered in the past year that she's happier without him. And if she won't take him back, guess what's going to happen? He's going to bounce back to you. What will you do if that happens? Draw your boundaries now and be firm about them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Let's say he calls in you a month or so, saying he can't take it anymore, that he needs you back. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Don't fall backwards into the A dynamtic and be the OW. You tell him that you two can slowly 'date' when he is officially divorced and some time has gone by so he can be alone for a while. Anything less than that will just not work. It may feel good, but you'll get hurt again eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 I agree totally with OWoman. Given all the factors you did your very best to make it work. MM is paralyzed by his OCD and it must be very hard for him to make and stick to decisions. It appears the only decision to make sense to him at this time is his child. Perhaps in time when he sees the child will not turn away from him just because he D'd his W there will be a chance to rebuild, if you haven't moved on already. It is time to take care of you. (((Mino))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Eek. Mino, have you thought about drawing some boundaries right now about what you will and will not accept from him? If he's been disrespectful to her this past year, and she's done so well without him, maybe she won't take him back at all. Maybe she's discovered in the past year that she's happier without him. And if she won't take him back, guess what's going to happen? He's going to bounce back to you. What will you do if that happens? Draw your boundaries now and be firm about them. I know, I know Norjane. I do know what I dont want anymore. I will no be hidden, I will not be an ow ever again. ( here a funny one, a guy runs into me, starts calling and ask me out. I asked if he is married, he says 11 months seperated, I hang up the phone. What an idiot! So I think I am setting them. I just know what I am not willing to accept anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Let's say he calls in you a month or so, saying he can't take it anymore, that he needs you back. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Don't fall backwards into the A dynamtic and be the OW. You tell him that you two can slowly 'date' when he is officially divorced and some time has gone by so he can be alone for a while. Anything less than that will just not work. It may feel good, but you'll get hurt again eventually. I agree, I dont trust words at this point anymore, action is what I need. papers filed, court date, therapy, and public exposure, meeting the family... Its all or nothing at this point, Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 I agree totally with OWoman. Given all the factors you did your very best to make it work. MM is paralyzed by his OCD and it must be very hard for him to make and stick to decisions. It appears the only decision to make sense to him at this time is his child. Perhaps in time when he sees the child will not turn away from him just because he D'd his W there will be a chance to rebuild, if you haven't moved on already. It is time to take care of you. (((Mino))) Hi WF, sounds like you know some things about ocd. You hit it on the head so far. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Good to hear that Mino. I know you're hurting, but you're going to be alright. It'll just take time.. Keep busy with close friends and family. Pamper yourself too! Get a new haircut, go shopping, have a spa day, anything to make you feel good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 As I read your post and my tears drop. I hope time can help you heal. It's hard but it will get better. ((HUG)) I have no tears left... thanks for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Good to hear that Mino. I know you're hurting, but you're going to be alright. It'll just take time.. Keep busy with close friends and family. Pamper yourself too! Get a new haircut, go shopping, have a spa day, anything to make you feel good. You know, I have already started that, spent about 2 grand on a new wardrobe. Got my hair done, look like a million dollars, but geee, I cant be out every day shopping! Bad part is my house looks like I dropped a bomb in it:eek: I usually clean when I am stressed, and I start purging stuff into the dumpster, but my energy level is low so I feel I am losing control of my house, not a good feeling at all. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Do ONE room at a time. Seriously..Even if you just take 20 minutes each day to focus on the one room until it's clean/de-cluttered, you'll feel better and less overwhelmed by it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Do ONE room at a time. Seriously..Even if you just take 20 minutes each day to focus on the one room until it's clean/de-cluttered, you'll feel better and less overwhelmed by it. You wont believe this but this week, I had a flood in my basement so had to tear up the carpet, now I got to repaint, and find new carpet, my car got hit, my neck got hurt. picking up my car today from the shop, made it almost home, then the engine light goes on and the car stalls, had to get it towed, now the alternater is shot. I just want to RUN FAR FAR AWAY:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 oh did I mention I got robbed:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Is there another thread for this:lmao: I need help in that department too:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Wow this is great, As I am writing I am LMAO, Good I can still laugh at myself with all the Sh*T going on Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Yeah, start a thread about it in the watercooler area.. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Sheez Mino, what a lousy week you've had!!! Hope you got your neck checked out??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 yup, the doc said I am going to live, Damn it:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 yup, the doc said I am going to live, Damn it:lmao: :lmao::lmao: Well I guess somebody has to replace the carpet, fix the car, install new deadbolts,............ If nothing else, it'll all keep you busy! Link to post Share on other sites
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