Separated but still love my wife

[buddy357]

Sorry I need to vent.

I am separated from my wife of nearly three years. We dated off and on for 6 years before that. My wife was telling me she hated me and didn’t want to be with me within a couple of months. Asking for a separation anytime she didn't like something. Accusing me of things. She wouldn’t even live with me, living instead 3 hours away with her parents. The only marriage was over the phone and weekend visits, I did take a couple months of leave. Through all of this I still loved her, but I was miserable a lot. We did have some great times, but not as many as I would have liked.

 

Finally when I went to take a class through the fire department she said if I loved her I wouldn’t take it and we should separate. I agreed that if that was how she felt we should. It was the last straw for me. I was bluffing, honestly thinking it would hit what she was losing and she would change her mind.

 

We talked, and I told her arguing was one thing, but I would no longer accept the other stuff. She agreed then 2 days later changed her mind claiming it was a normal part of marriage. So I told her we should separate still thinking she would come to her senses.

 

Instead we began a series of reindeer games about visiting our not quite 2 year old son. We would agree to a visit and she would leave the state, or say I couldn’t see him w/out a court order. Then I hear that she was dating in less than 2 months. I got threatening calls from the boyfriend and on one of my visit days she took our son and the boy friend to dinner instead of me getting a visit. Before the evening was over I had been attacked by her mother and boyfriend and did nothing to them in return, even though I was carrying a ccw and they knew it(she told MIL who told him).I am currently pressing assault and child endangerment charges against him, he attacked me while I was holding my son.

 

To make it better she is filing for divorce in NC and we both reside in VA. I don't understand what that is about. And the court and even the state don't seem to care. To me that is wrong and illegal. But the lawyer I hired to fight that has told me the divorce may go faster and possibly open her up to fraud charges if I let her continue.

 

We went to court over visitation Friday and she talked about how she didn't understand how we got here and indicated she still loved me and was unhappy. She is still spending time with this other guy regularly.

 

But she has called me the last couple of days expressing- I don't even know what to call it. Acting as if she still loves me but is conflicted over what she wants, feelings for this guy and pressure from her family who haven't liked me from the start. She says she is in no hurry to get a divorce. I definitely still love her even after all this, but don't understand how she can be with someone else and claim to love me and be conflicted at all. And to be honest some days I don't love her, but I miss her and want to be with her way more than I don't.

 

If we were to work things out the damage is already done with the family and I could never be around them. I don't know if she is serious or yanking my chain. My few friends that have not been run off by all this have told me to stay away and find someone else, but I honestly have no real interest in finding someone else to treat me the same way. And that I should be a total ass to her like she has, but unfortunately I am the classic nice guy who gets run over all the time.

 

I just feel like I am losing my mind.

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[Steadfast]

 

...We went to court over visitation Friday and she talked about how she didn't understand how we got here and indicated she still loved me and was unhappy. She is still spending time with this other guy regularly...I definitely still love her even after all this, but don't understand how she can be with someone else and claim to love me and be conflicted at all. And to be honest some days I don't love her, but I miss her and want to be with her way more than I don't.

 

 

Her feelings of 'resistance' are not coming from love for you, rather the fact that things are moving too quickly for her. It is amazing how consistent this pattern of behavior is from woman to woman.

 

Basically, she'd like more control; she'd rather have things firmed up with the other guy before making things final with you. She knows you love her and she is using it against you. Isn't it shocking just how thoroughly and completely one person can use another? This behavior stems from fear of the unknown; she does not want to end up alone when the dust settles, so keeping you on the string is important. Not for marriage or love, but for her 'needs'.

 

At this point, you need to focus on what you really want, and figure out just how you would feel if you really did get back together. Could you trust her? Would you? Are you prepared to go through the whole thing over again? This is why very few marriages survive cheating. What's left?

[seibert253]

Why in the h#ll are you putting up with this crap? Have you hired an attorney? If you havn't, you need to ASAFP. You need to file for divorce ASAFP and go for full custody.

Love is love, but enough is enough. You do not deserve this, she does not deserve you. She's a horrible wife and probably a terrible mother. You deserve much better.

You need to go NC with her, ignore her, and begin to move on to life without her.

[buu]

DUDE!!!!! I know how you feel.

 

she is playing with your emotions and manipulating you to get what she wants. Seriously you need to find some way of moving on. I dont know how your relationship is with your kid but whatever happens stay involved in his life. be careful as she will use him as a pawn to get even more out of you.

 

Start thinking logically and set your emotions to the side when dealing with her.

[Gunny376]

For those that know me here at LS, know I've read a lot of books about dating, mating, relationships, romance, yada~yada!

 

Book knowledge is great IMHO, but there's nothing like good old fashion tried and true "street knowledge."

 

You could have a PhD from Harvard, Yale, wherever, and its not going to you one bit of good when it comes to day-to-day living.

 

When it comes to this sort of thing, I've been through the mud, the blood and tha' beer ~ and I've been a student of this for the last nineteen years.

 

There's one thing and only one thing that works ~ maybe? And it very possibly could backfire, and if it does? It was going to turn out that way ~ anyway!

 

That's smack them between the head with a two-by-four! Hit them hard, hit fast.

 

When LadyJane14, who use to post here found out that DH was having an emotional Internet affair, the very same day she found an attorney, had separation and divorce papers drawn up while she waited, and promptly delivered them herself to DH that evening at home.

 

He begged for a second chance?

 

This half @zzing, pussy-footing around the issue doesn't work!

 

On advice from LadyJane14 and I, another poster "Wolfe" did the same thing. Last we heard both couples were back together.

 

Refuse to be their backup plan! Refuse to be "Plan B" ~ Man up! Woman up! Be an Alpha Man/ Woman about it! Take charge of your life! Take charge away from the other person.

 

They're not the one's making the major decisions about your life ~ you are!

 

Its not whether they want to be with you anymore? Its whether you want to be with them!

 

Its not whether you're good enough for them? Its whether they're good enough for you!

 

Its not about what you've got to offer them? Its about what they've got to offer you!

 

Anything they've got to offer you? You can find just as good, and just as much of somewhere else and from someone else.

 

Trust me! They're out there!

 

Its not about what you're bringing to the table? Its about what they're bringing to the table.

 

The Femi-Nazi's would have us men believe that's there's a shortage of good women, when the truth of the matter is? There's a damn shortage of good men!

 

Men that haven't been to rehab, in prison, gang bangers, drunks, druggies, wife beaters, sex addicts, child molesters, adulators, cheaters, liars, game-players, the list rolls on and on.

 

That's not to say that a good woman is easy to find? They are, and when you find one? Hang on to her and don't screw it up!

 

But if you do? They're plenty more where she came from!

[megabite_me]

I dont have ANY advice to give on this....like u i just want to vent. And there is a long story involved but i dont think there is enough room on this website to tell it all. I am 26 and last year i did a 15 month tour in Iraq. While there i found out my new bride was messing around on me and was doing drugs and that she apparently wasnt the same girl I first met and had a kid with. Now I see her often when i go see my daughter and old feelings have stired up. I really dont think she is the same person she was when i was deployed. Maybe she is better and it was partly the drugs....We are gettin along decently now and i'm still love her...and i messed up 10 minutes ago....after all day of beating round the bush about the divorce and not telling her how i feel i came clean.....and i feel stupid. What little bit of pride i had left wasnt enough to stop me from telling her how i feel. the guy above me IS RIGHT...but u cant choose what the heart feels..u can only hide it the best u can. i just didnt do good enough and prolly will pay for it. run while u can. all u really have to do is b a good father. and even if u dont run....just b a good father. thats life. kids come first. welcome to the real world.

[tojaz]

Buddy, all I can say is WOW! I thought my wife was confused. Best thing I can suggest is MC right away if you are both willing. Some situations (like mine) can only be helped with a pro. In the meantime, follow the advice above, work on being a good father and being good for yourself. You can't iron out her problems, and it isn't worth too much energy to try. Burn it on yourself instead.

TOJAZ