Jealousy taken a toll on me

[Dolorian]

I'm currently in Turkey, enjoying my vacation. Back home in the States, I have an ex-girlfriend with whom I got very close again before I left and she was rather devastated when I left. Now, about three weeks later, I saw on facebook that my ex-girlfriend has a new thing with some guy she met at a bar (she used to hate bars). She writes me messages on how she misses me but also on how she meets up with that guy (a bartender) and does all the the things we used to do with him. But she can't foresee anything serious with him. Even after all the emotional problems I had to go through with her (see all my other threads), I'm still not man enough to let go. We are still friends and talk all the time (facebook and phone calls) and I really try to remain our friendship (and honestly still try to get with her since I really gave my heart and soul to her). I put a lot of effort into everything but I feel like she doesn't appreciate it at all. I told her that the other day but she just said that she has lots going on and is meeting new people so she can't write me as much anymore. That is total crap though because she has enough time to talk to others but can't write a short 2-4 long message. I have to grow some balls, I know, but I'm one of those guys who is just always very attached and emotional. I even remain faithful to her even though I don't have a reason to. I mean she's going out and gets drunk with all these bartender guys and does whatever she wants anyways. I'm sure she made out with that guy and it just tears me apart knowing this. I'm completely jealous and become depressed because of that. I want to stop but I just don't know how. So, once again, I had to write all of this down so I can vent a little. Any comment is appreciated .

[NiceGuy4Ever]

To stop being jealous and depressed just cut off all contact, don't write to her, don't speak to her, don't email her etc. It hurts but it'll help. Second is put away anything that reminds you of her but it doesn't have to be something she gave you. Maybe you didn't think much of a little heart shaped frame before but now you do so put stuff like that away. Lastly go find a hobby or something you've wanted to do and do it. Have fun with your friends and enjoy life, you might find someone you know. Just let her go because it's obvious she doesn't want anything anymore.

[dunstable]

My gut feeling is let her go. She has no business carousing with bartenders while you are overseas unless your relationship is over, which you imply it is not. If the relationship is agreed to be over, then she can do what she wants.

[mark982]

she's playing games w/ you. just dump her,why give yourself added stress. you're on vac,enjoy yourself

[Dolorian]

To stop being jealous and depressed just cut off all contact, don't write to her, don't speak to her, don't email her etc. It hurts but it'll help. Second is put away anything that reminds you of her but it doesn't have to be something she gave you. Maybe you didn't think much of a little heart shaped frame before but now you do so put stuff like that away. Lastly go find a hobby or something you've wanted to do and do it. Have fun with your friends and enjoy life, you might find someone you know. Just let her go because it's obvious she doesn't want anything anymore.

 

the no contact thing may be harder than i can handle. i already put everything away and i haven't really talked to her for a few days now. i just saw she went out on a date with that guy again though and it just totally depresses me. i shouldn't feel that way. i go swimming and try to work out to keep my mind off of things, but at the end of the day my thoughts turn to her. you're right though, it seems like she doesn't want me anymore, in any way or form. she doesn't reply often and apparently prefers to get drunk and go on dates.

 

My gut feeling is let her go. She has no business carousing with bartenders while you are overseas unless your relationship is over, which you imply it is not. If the relationship is agreed to be over, then she can do what she wants.

 

Our relationship is over, since she is my ex but she is using the best friend routine to control me and I suck up to it all the time. We kiss, make out, do pretty much everything together. However, we are not dating or anything, more or less, very close friends with benefits. So technically speaking it's ok for her to go out but it still just tears me apart. I don't like knowing that she goes out to dinner and a movie with some other guy.

 

she's playing games w/ you. just dump her,why give yourself added stress. you're on vac,enjoy yourself

 

you are right. i know she is. i don't want this added stress. but it's like a circle of emotion and attachedness. i begin missing her, no matter what i do. i can not write her for a few days but then find myself writing her an email the next day.

[Trialbyfire]

Back home in the States, I have an ex-girlfriend with whom I got very close again before I left and she was rather devastated when I left.

Maybe you can expand on this. Did you get back into a relationship with her, where you asked her for exclusivity?

[jessicasilver]

you need no contact... sounds like you holding on to a friendship that she doesnt really prioritise or vaule whatsoever!! if you didnt hear from her, you wouldnt know what she gets up to, therefore you wouldnt get jealous!! you need to start enjoying your life too... dont be so selfish on yourself!!!! meet new girls make new friends take up a new hobby etc. you cant keep doing this to yourself!!! i must admit when my ex mentions other girls, he might as well shoot me in the heart because thats how much it hurts! they clearly have no respect for us if they know how we feel about them and yet they feel the need to say such things!! give yourself some time out until you are strong enough to talk to her as a friend!!! the best way to do it is to agree with the break up... act like you are doing well too and your happy with the break up! would get her thinking!!! good luck x

[Shock Me Sane]

Man, I was worried you were someone I knew at first because I have a girl friend who's ex-boyfriend is vacationing in Greece right now. They're still close, but she's seeing this bartender guy while he's away. Weird coincidence. I came to the conclusion from your other posts that I do not know you.

 

I agree that no contact would be best. As is the case with my friend and her ex, it's not meant to be. There's no point in holding on to something that doesn't exist.

[Chiron]

Well you definately have feelings for her and it seems like you have not risked telling her how you feel, i.e. that you need more than friends with benefits. If you didn't have feelings for her, her going ou twith other guys wouldn't bother you so much. First you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and then you need to tell her about it when you get back OR maybe sooner? Until then you need to just not read her emails, take her calls. Maybe her telling you about other guys is an attempt to see if you care? Or maybe she just sees you as a male pal who she can share with. If she's not interested in more then you need to no even be friends as it will just tear you up inside.

 

Best of luck to ya,

 

-Chiron

[Trialbyfire]

While this rant might not be applicable to the OP, since he hasn't yet responded to my question, here goes!

 

No one can read anyone else's mind. This encompasses both genders. If you want something from someone, you have to ask for it. If they give it, such as exclusivity and then turn around and cheat on you, it's one thing. To expect someone to know what you want from them and remain exclusive, without stating your feelings, is tantamount to self-sabotage.

[Dolorian]

Before I reply to everyone, I wanted to say thanks! I really appreciate the helpfulness and understanding each of you shows! It means a lot!

Maybe you can expand on this. Did you get back into a relationship with her, where you asked her for exclusivity?

 

Well not directly. We might as well though. We were inseparable. Though nothing was official.

 

you need no contact... sounds like you holding on to a friendship that she doesnt really prioritise or vaule whatsoever!! if you didnt hear from her, you wouldnt know what she gets up to, therefore you wouldnt get jealous!! you need to start enjoying your life too... dont be so selfish on yourself!!!! meet new girls make new friends take up a new hobby etc. you cant keep doing this to yourself!!! i must admit when my ex mentions other girls, he might as well shoot me in the heart because thats how much it hurts! they clearly have no respect for us if they know how we feel about them and yet they feel the need to say such things!! give yourself some time out until you are strong enough to talk to her as a friend!!! the best way to do it is to agree with the break up... act like you are doing well too and your happy with the break up! would get her thinking!!! good luck x

 

thank you. i'm trying to forget and meet up with new people (even thought hat is hard as a foreigner in turkey). it just hurts that she tells me about the guy and that they are going to movies and get wasted with each other. i mean, come on..she knows exactly how i feel for even though we are not together. you're right, she doesn't respect me.

 

Man, I was worried you were someone I knew at first because I have a girl friend who's ex-boyfriend is vacationing in Greece right now. They're still close, but she's seeing this bartender guy while he's away. Weird coincidence. I came to the conclusion from your other posts that I do not know you.

 

I agree that no contact would be best. As is the case with my friend and her ex, it's not meant to be. There's no point in holding on to something that doesn't exist.

 

Wow, what a coincidence. We're only a country apart. Weird. Same situation..we're very close yet she started to act indifferently recently. Maybe she's just doing what i should do...

 

Well you definately have feelings for her and it seems like you have not risked telling her how you feel, i.e. that you need more than friends with benefits. If you didn't have feelings for her, her going ou twith other guys wouldn't bother you so much. First you need to be honest with yourself about what you want and then you need to tell her about it when you get back OR maybe sooner? Until then you need to just not read her emails, take her calls. Maybe her telling you about other guys is an attempt to see if you care? Or maybe she just sees you as a male pal who she can share with. If she's not interested in more then you need to no even be friends as it will just tear you up inside.

 

I do have feelings for her. And she knows how much she means to me. I gave her a promise ring a few months ago and she told everyone about it. But then, slowly, she distanced herself. I have to be honest, it could also have been that I did too much. Gave her no room. What I want is to be with her for the rest of my life. And she knows. although the word marriage was never mentioned a promise ring should give a little hint where i wanted to take it. but recently i just think she sees me as male pal. but then she should at least show some respect and don't tell me about the guy she is seeing..

 

No one can read anyone else's mind. This encompasses both genders. If you want something from someone, you have to ask for it. If they give it, such as exclusivity and then turn around and cheat on you, it's one thing. To expect someone to know what you want from them and remain exclusive, without stating your feelings, is tantamount to self-sabotage.

 

Good post, yet she knows. I told her many times. She means the world to me. Even though we were not exclusive, I thought we were. Maybe I was just expecting it but sabotaged myself by showing too much hope.

[Trialbyfire]

Good post, yet she knows. I told her many times. She means the world to me. Even though we were not exclusive, I thought we were. Maybe I was just expecting it but sabotaged myself by showing too much hope.

Never assume. Being together consistently, might just mean that it's for "now".

 

Think about it another way. Say you were working part-time for a company, where there wasn't anything defined for full-time work. Do you assume that since they kept employing you as part-time, that they owed you full-time, even though nothing was stipulated as such?

 

Say this same company then hired someone full-time but not you. Do you then hold them responsible for not giving you the job, even though you've never stated you wanted full-time?

[NiceGuy4Ever]

Well my friend all I can say is it is necessary to break all contact with her. When you're mind wanders try doing distracting and seemingly weird things like stating some high number like 986 and counting down in intervals of seven. Trust me it makes you think. Anyways she obviously is keeping you hanging by a string. Don't let her do that. Break the string and dissappear. The mention that you kiss and make out with her. Not a good idea. It'll deepen the pain even more. That's why you are having such a hard time to forget.

 

You need time for yourself and see how much harm she is giving you but also the self-inflicted harm you do. She is simply having you around for a joy ride and nothing more, nothing serious. You are worth more than that. You don't deserve that. Your better than that and you don't have to validate yourself through another person's life. You do not need a significant other to live life. You should just stop seeking something that isn't there and move on. Don't screw a chunk of your life over some girl, move on and enjoy life. You've tasted life's bitterness so why don't you try it's sweetness?

[Dolorian]

Well my friend all I can say is it is necessary to break all contact with her. When you're mind wanders try doing distracting and seemingly weird things like stating some high number like 986 and counting down in intervals of seven. Trust me it makes you think. Anyways she obviously is keeping you hanging by a string. Don't let her do that. Break the string and dissappear. The mention that you kiss and make out with her. Not a good idea. It'll deepen the pain even more. That's why you are having such a hard time to forget.

 

You need time for yourself and see how much harm she is giving you but also the self-inflicted harm you do. She is simply having you around for a joy ride and nothing more, nothing serious. You are worth more than that. You don't deserve that. Your better than that and you don't have to validate yourself through another person's life. You do not need a significant other to live life. You should just stop seeking something that isn't there and move on. Don't screw a chunk of your life over some girl, move on and enjoy life. You've tasted life's bitterness so why don't you try it's sweetness?

 

All good points. The funny thing is, I know that I deserve better. There are other fish in the ocean. I don't know why I'm so hung up on her. I had girlfriends before, but she is the only one that I keep trying to be together with. She clearly doesn't feel that way as she is already seeing some random guy. And it's really hard to break all contact. I told her my deepest secrets and put my complete trust in her. We're best friends, but it's just difficult. I don't know. Putting it into mere words is hard.

[NiceGuy4Ever]

All good points. The funny thing is, I know that I deserve better. There are other fish in the ocean. I don't know why I'm so hung up on her. I had girlfriends before, but she is the only one that I keep trying to be together with. She clearly doesn't feel that way as she is already seeing some random guy. And it's really hard to break all contact. I told her my deepest secrets and put my complete trust in her. We're best friends, but it's just difficult. I don't know. Putting it into mere words is hard.

 

Well my friend I have a best friend as well not to long ago and we got together and had the time of our lives. Then she ended the relationship. I too told her my deepest darkest secrets and put my complete trust in her. Trust me I know it's difficult. It took me approximately four months to brace myself and say "enough it enough." Just keep this in mind: It's always going to be hard. That's just the simple truth. What you need to do is go little by little I guess in your case and you'll eventually reach the peaking point.

 

Now as for her being your best friend, let's go over what a best friend is. It's a person you confide in entirely, how is always supportive of you, who always lends and ear when we have troubles, and so on and so forth. Now if this girl not only tries to keep you on a string, plays with your emotions, dates other guys without any feeling for remorse...need I go on? Move on my friend. Move on.

[Dolorian]

Well my friend I have a best friend as well not to long ago and we got together and had the time of our lives. Then she ended the relationship. I too told her my deepest darkest secrets and put my complete trust in her. Trust me I know it's difficult. It took me approximately four months to brace myself and say "enough it enough." Just keep this in mind: It's always going to be hard. That's just the simple truth. What you need to do is go little by little I guess in your case and you'll eventually reach the peaking point.

 

Now as for her being your best friend, let's go over what a best friend is. It's a person you confide in entirely, how is always supportive of you, who always lends and ear when we have troubles, and so on and so forth. Now if this girl not only tries to keep you on a string, plays with your emotions, dates other guys without any feeling for remorse...need I go on? Move on my friend. Move on.

 

I think I have enough now. I haven't talked to her for two days now. It's a start. I just have a really hard time on letting go. :-( Even when I think about how she treats me. She does play with my emotions and although she always tells me we are best friends she truly doesn't treat me like it. Yet I'm still thinking about her. I try to do other things but with no success. At the end of the day I'm still thinking about her. It sucks! I don't know why this is so hard and why I sabotage myself this way.

[Dolorian]

I have a complete void in my heart. I can't enjoy anything. I'm in a bad mood all day. Doesn't help that I just saw pics of her with a very old ex-boyfriend of hers going to an amusement park in Ohio for a few days. Looks like they went on a freaking honeymoon. She wrote me a message and asked how I am but I only replied good and went offline. Wtf? Does this girl have no head?