datura_noir Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Would it help with affairs?Just throwing this out there after reading so many threads in which married partners seem to string both the spouse an OP along.... Not talking about anything religious, per se...but recognizing that sometimes (and esp. with men), some people need to have more than one partner in their lifetime. Marriages get comfy and feel like home, so maybe legitimizing the OP and that relationship would bring a realistic solution?? I don't think I would be up for it, but could it work?? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Personally, one wife is about all I can hope to cope with. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 No, I don't think so. From what I know of polygamy (which really isnt much) it isn't about sex. And when you think about it, neither are affairs - even PA's. Affairs are about selfishness, the sex is just a result of that. My experience. I get some flack whenever I mention this, and I just want to point out that we have looked at it hard, and I dont need advice on my experience: I'm just answering the question with my hindsight. I am probably more "open minded" (using the term loosely) sexually than many people. I know this. I am probably more open minded in that regard than my own H. That being said, I have strong bi-sexual feelings and when we married H and I would often have threesomes. Often. Obviously he enjoyed this especially because I wasnt ever threatened and it was always my idea, women I knew. I had even encouraged him one time to "hook up" with a couple that was looking for a threesome with 2 straight guys. What can I say...I'm a curious girl. One particular girlfriend of mine met up with him alone once when I was out of town, a surprise from me to him. He was nervous, but it was fun for me to hear about. So, clearly I have comfort level and you will just have to believe me when I say it was not based on low self esteem but on confidence - both in myself and my relationship. So, he was getting multiple partners. He cheated on me. In multiple ways. It wasnt hard for me to see that it was not about sex, but about attention. It was about selfishness. It was about HIM having something in a compartment that had nothing to do with real life, or me, or marriage. It had to be secret or it wouldnt be "his."It was not about OW. It was about him , for him. It was narcissist. Period. I miss the "playtime." But we havent done anything like that since because I have some concern that my openness led him to some strange comfort level with infidelity. Sure, it seems a given...but its not. The betrayal to me, was not about sex. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Interestingly, no, polygamy doesn't prevent affairs. You'll see this on these boards from time to time. Someone in a polygamy relationship will come to the infidelity, cheating or marriage board and post that they're in a polygamy relationship but have someone on the side that they don't want to tell their partner about. At this point, the feelings for the other person have grown stronger than the feelings for the previous partner. Many people assume that love will never go away, but love and relationships require time and attention to thrive. If you take to much of that away and start giving it to other people, your relationship will suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
z1850 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 It seems better to enjoy the pleasures of simple monogamy and faithfulness, than those of sin for a season. This takes discipline, and a commitment to do what is morally right. Remember what the Bible says, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end thereof leads to destruction." Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 ] Remember what the Bible says' date=' "[u']There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end thereof leads to destruction."[/u] I am not religious and when I saw you posted after me: I was thinking you were going to judge me. Sorry. The quote from the Bible is Perfect. Perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I agree with 2sure - I don't believe that affairs are, at their core, about sex. They are about feelings & emotions. I don't think that being married to multiple partners would have anything to do with whether a person is likely to be unfaithful - if anything, I would think that it would be hard to have the one-on-one connection that keeps a person from cheating in a polygamous relationship. As Gorilla said, (well sorta, but from the other side of the coin) one husband is all I personally can handle! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I don't think I would be up for it, but could it work?? ask a muslim in a middle eastern country where polygamy is legal...but only for men. It works only if the wives aren't allowed to go out and f##k around. And if they do...the husband can kill them. real nice, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Polygamy is only prevalent in strong religious and sexist cultures , where the men control most of the womens' behavior. In such societies, infidelity is practically unknown, what would be the point? Link to post Share on other sites
sxyNYCcpl Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 I have no problem with people "needing" more than one partner in their lifetimes, so long as it's serial monogamy. So people should live their lives based on what you do or do not have a "problem" with? To the original point, using polygamy to "avoid" affairs, I think 2sure had some good points. Polygamy is simultaneous multiple emotional relationships. For example a man and 2 women in a triad. I think, but please correct me if I'm wrong, the OP had more the idea of allowing casual sex within a relationship aka swinging. Swinging and polygamy are in many ways quite different. As 2sure pointed out, one can engage in swinging and still have an affair crop up as it happened to her, though in my experience affairs within swinging couples tend to be quite rare. That said, if your true intent is just stopping affairs before they start and the idea of a non-sexually monogamous relationship doesn't excite you, it may not be the right move for you. Link to post Share on other sites
BadKittyNo Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 " Polygamy is like infidelity out in the open, but it's still selfish and degrading. " I think this is true when the multiple spouses are not considered to be equal partners. As in most cases where polygamy is practiced for religious reasons. I'm sure there are some loving and happy polygamist-through-faith families out there, but from what I have read and heard, they are few and far between. Usually it turns out to be a situation where the wives are treated a lot like property and aren't there because they genuinely want to be, but because they have been pressured into it or feel as if they simply have no other choice. In a polyamory type situation with more than two people involved in a loving and committed relationship, where everybody is equal and all are there of their own free will? I don't see the selfish and degrading angle. As far as multiple partners as an alternative to cheating? It would have to be a completely open relationship for all parties involved. No fidelity commitments whatsoever. Because whether you pledge to be faithful to one partner or to more than one partner, you are still pledging to be faithful to them. And no number of partners is going to be enough if you decide you just want somebody new, regardless of whether the person/people you're already involved with are okay with it or not. You can cheat on a dozen partners just as easily as you can cheat on one. It's not the number of people, but the type of commitment. No fidelity commitment = No option to cheat. Fidelity commitment = Option to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 No, I don't think so. From what I know of polygamy (which really isnt much) it isn't about sex. And when you think about it, neither are affairs - even PA's. Affairs are about selfishness, the sex is just a result of that. It's not the number of people, but the type of commitment. No fidelity commitment = No option to cheat. Fidelity commitment = Option to cheat. I agree with both of these quotes. I think cheaters will do so whether polygamous or monogamous. Its not the number of people in the committed relationship. Another poster already quoted the Bible. I say, take a look at a biblical character: King David. He was king and had SEVERAL wives. And yet, he still cheated and killed a man to hide an affair and the resulting pregnancy. Polygamy will not solve the cheating problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 I suspect that polygamy can work, with the right individuals, with the right mindset. As for helping reduce the number of affairs, I doubt it. A cheater will cheat, regardless. It's the mindset that gets thrills and chills from secrets, things forbidden and risk-taking. Link to post Share on other sites
BadKittyNo Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 " I've "met" people online via infidelity boards who's been cheated on by the other partners in their polyamorous relationship. " And I am sure you also "met" monogamous people on those infidelity boards who were cheated on by their one partner in their monogamous relationship. The key being that you met them all on infidelity message boards. You might want to talk to some people in healthy poly(gamous if you prefer) relationships and hear about their personal experiences. I wouldn't base my opinion about monogamy on what I read on an infidelity board. Link to post Share on other sites
BadKittyNo Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 "I'm 2 old 2 have an interest in learning how or whether polyamorous relationships can work. " Whether it interests you or not, they can and do work for some people. Just like types of monogamous relationships that one wouldn't think could work. Link to post Share on other sites
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