Julia3172 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Hi, I would like to hear from men about how they deal with a partner's ex. I have been divorced, with a child, for 7 years, since my daughter was a baby. Since then we have worked hard to establish a healthy friendship for the sake of our daughter. We are now quite close, though it is purely platonic, there are absolutely no romantic feelings there at all from either one of us. My problem is that I now have a new partner of only 7 months (we do not live together), and his experience with his ex is not a good one and cannot understand my friendship with my ex. It became apparent very early on in our relationship that he was jealous, and it is still causing issues and arguments. Yesterday, at my Grandfather's funeral of all places, my new partner accused me of "making eyes" at my ex, and was wondering, among other things, if we were jumping into bed together behind his back. I was very insulted and it caused a huge fight after the funeral, and I spent the rest of the night crying. Not a nice way to end an already difficult day. His accusations have no basis whatsoever, and I am finding that I am having to explain myself out of situations he has imagined either are happening or could happen. I have already, months ago, backed off on the friendship with my ex due to this, but I am wondering how much of this friendship do I have to give up and am I really being unfair to my new partner? He admitted he was jealous and appologised somewhat, but it is a recurring issue and the tension it causes is unbearable. I have never given him any reason to doubt me, but his insecurities are sabbotaging the relationship. I am certainly not going to stop my ex from coming to things like a funeral where he has every right to be, but I feel I cannot even look at him without having to explain myself afterwards. What is the best way to deal with this, and am I doing anything wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
NiceGuy4Ever Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Well it is obvious that your new partner is pretty insecure. As you have stated he hadn't ended well with his ex and can't comprehend how you two can do it. You just need to remind him that he is the only one you truly have feelings for, not your ex. That the only reason you have any sort of connection with your ex is for the sake of the child. This brings me to another point. Think of the child. The child is the most important one here and is the one most affected by all of this. In order to make sure you're daughter has peace on both sides of the family you have to make it clear to your new partner that you have feelings for him (I know I am repeating myself). If he still doesn't comply then I have to say you'll probably have to kick him out of your life. Neither you nor your daughter deserve the extra stress so you don't have to deal with it. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Reducing the frequency of your "friendship" contacts with your ex isn't totally unreasonable. Having said that... for god's sake, it's the father of your child. It's far better for you to have a good relationship with him than a crappy one. Yes, your BF may have had an unpleasant breakup with HIS ex. But so what? Everybody has those at some point. And that doesn't give him the right to, in effect, punish YOU for it. You've done nothing to warrant his jealousy, and certainly nothing to warrant it coming up again and again and again and causing ongoing tension. He needs to do one of two things: (1) man up and learn to not let his past infect his present, or (2) let you go. And you should have no hesitation in putting that choice to him. You've only been dating for seven months and you don't live together. Sounds like you could be in for a lot more tension, stress and conflict if this doesn't either get resolved or end soon. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 I would question him being jealous of your relationship with your ex. Is he jealous of you or is he jealous that he doesn't have such a good relationship with his ex, and if that's the case, think of that implication! Most people accuse the other person of the things they themselves would do; i.e., a thief will accuse someone else of being a thief because they would steal given the opportunity. What is your boyfriend really upset about? I definitely think you need to talk to him Link to post Share on other sites
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