feelrealempty Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 I have been in a committed relationship for ten years now engaged for almost three, two wonderful kids. Bottom line I f'd up lastnight. Lets just say I think I can finally admit I have a drinking prob. (no excuse). NEVER once in ten yrs have I even come close to cheating, well lastnight I got drunk and kissed someone I work with and am fairly close to. I guess I want to know is this really cheating to the point I need to ruin everyone life and lose the best job I'll ever have over 2 kisses in one night that happened more so because of the alcohol or can I close my eyes and pretend it never happened. I really feel like crap over this, its just not me and I wish I could take those 15 mins of alone time back, but I can't. Next questions how can I ever make my guilt go away?? I love my fiance with all my heart and never ever want to be the reason of any pain. This is the worst thing Ive ever done while we were together. Link to post Share on other sites
z1850 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Your story sounds a lot like Jany's. The advice is the same: staighten up and fly right. Separate yourself from the problem if need be, especially if it's drinking. As for your question: that depends on your definition of cheating. In my opinion: cheating, yes; adultery, no. Like I said, straighten up and fly right, soldier. That's an order. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Yes, it is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 So, what did you feel? Also, how passionate (or not) were the kisses? Both are critical, IMO. Context is everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelrealempty Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 ok the two kisses were pretty intense yet I left and wouldnt take it anyfurther its almosr like i realized what i did the second i did it and wished i could rewind time.. My SO has cheated on me in the past I know how bad it hurts and would have never done that I dont honestly know how I let it happen, granted he had a all out 8 month relationship behind my back and we went through hell to fix it I am just overwelmed with guilt and I cant ever tell him it would ruin my life his life our childrens life my carrier everything I just dont know what to do... All because of 15 mins of losing control and being stupid...................I hate myself right now................ Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Yes its cheating Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 OP, what do you want to do now? FWIW, I've experienced this with one of my wife's friends, who's married and has issues with alcohol. To me, it's one of those gray areas. I'd counsel disclosure but you know your circumstances best. TBH, I don't take what women do with they're drinking seriously, especially if they're friends. I look at the totality of the situation, accept and divert without making a big deal of things. In your case, being a co-worker, IDK. Is this someone you perhaps have fancied for awhile? You described "close" but that can mean many things. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Yes, it is cheating. Yes X2. If you drink and can't control what you do, stop drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 TBH, I don't take what women do with they're drinking seriously, especially if they're friends. I look at the totality of the situation, accept and divert without making a big deal of things. As weird as this may sound to those who have read anything I've posted about my exH & his serial cheating, I agree with carhill here. Though I, too, have been cheated on, I guess I just can't get too worked up over a kiss or two. Now, for those of you who would ask, well, what if your current husband did it, would you feel the same? I can honestly answer, yep. IF he'd been drinking (which he doesn't really do) and IF he took it only that far. Yeah, I'd be alright with it. I don't think alcohol is an excuse for doing things - a "get out of jail free card" - but I do think that, because it lowers inhibitions and clouds judgment, things need to be taken in that context. Having said that, though, if it went any farther than that, then yes, I would consider it cheating. My advice, OP, is to steer clear of this kind of situation in the future. If you believe that drinking 'caused' or 'allowed' you to participate in this, don't go out drinking. Easier said than done for those drinkers out there, I know, but the guilt is worse than the buzz is good, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I don't think alcohol is an excuse for doing things - a "get out of jail free card" - but I do think that, because it lowers inhibitions and clouds judgment, things need to be taken in that context. Having said that, though, if it went any farther than that, then yes, I would consider it cheating. My advice, OP, is to steer clear of this kind of situation in the future. If you believe that drinking 'caused' or 'allowed' you to participate in this, don't go out drinking. Easier said than done for those drinkers out there, I know, but the guilt is worse than the buzz is good, right? It seems like there has been a lot of posts about cheating while drinking lately. I agree that alcohol is definitely NOT an excuse for things, like HM says here. But it does cloud judgment and makes you not think about the consequences in the same way and that does have some bearing. My H cheated on me while drinking, as I have posted here before. It does not excuse things. But the fact that he was impaired sure did help me as I worked through things. If he had been cold sober when he cheated, then it would have been harder for me to work through. I had to consider the context and it made it a little easier for me to understand, not excuse, but understand. He reacted poorly to a situation in our marriage and the alcohol further clouded his judgment. OP - I can't get all worked up about "just kissing" after what my husband and I have been through. But, it was still unacceptable and you will want to watch your behavior while drinking in the future. The fact that you feel so badly about it should tell you a lot about your integrity, which is a good thing! Link to post Share on other sites
HsMomma Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 OP - I can't get all worked up about "just kissing" after what my husband and I have been through. But, it was still unacceptable and you will want to watch your behavior while drinking in the future. The fact that you feel so badly about it should tell you a lot about your integrity, which is a good thing! Snowflower, I agree 100%. I can't get all worked up about "just kissing" either, after my experiences. I also think that by virtue of the OP's original post, she has a conscience & it's kicking in & that is indeed a good thing! Link to post Share on other sites
jany Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I don't know if I'd consider that cheating because it seems like you slipped and kissed someone you shouldn't. It wasn't something that you have been doing and that you both took another step further. It doesn't sound like you have a thing for this co-worker and that was it. But again, knowing what I know now, things don't just happen randomly and that there may be attraction for this co-worker that you are unaware of. Becareful, and stay away before it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 1 kiss, then pull away= bad judgement, potentially related to drinking 2 kisses=CHOICE to do it the second time, knowingly and intentionally Undoubtedly the alcohol was a factor...no doubt. Stop drinking if you can't control yourself when you're drunk. As far as can it stop here...well...that depends on a lot of things. IF (and it's a huge IF) you can set some severe, iron-clad boundaries, inform this co-worker that you screwed up and will NEVER do so again...and somehow take active measures to ensure that...maybe you can work that out. If you opt to keep drinking, or if you cannot set and enforce those boundaries...you need to change jobs, or end the relationship you're currently in, because you're likely to do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Have you figured out why you did it? I'd say that is critical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author feelrealempty Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 I want to thank all of you for the time youve taken to read an respond. I have since seen and talk to my co-wrker like nothing at all ever happened. I'm going to leave it at that and go on NO MORE drinking. I just want to know how do I get over this guilt and will it just disapear. I cant ever ever let my H find out or alot of lives will be ruin so telling him is out of the ?? Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I want to thank all of you for the time youve taken to read an respond. I have since seen and talk to my co-wrker like nothing at all ever happened. I'm going to leave it at that and go on NO MORE drinking. I just want to know how do I get over this guilt and will it just disapear. I cant ever ever let my H find out or alot of lives will be ruin so telling him is out of the ?? How do you get over the guilt? Simple. You a) bury that part of your conscience or b) tell. Personally, and I know you have chosen otherwise, I would gather family around and tell. However, given you will not, anesthetize that part of your conscience. I'm sorry but I don't know how to do that and in fact think that leads to even deeper problems than a drunken kiss. I wish I had more to offer aside from "bury your conscience". Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 You don't bury it, you learn from it. Which sounds like you have. You aren't a bad person, you just made a bad mistake. A kiss is not the end of the world. We are human, we make mistakes but like Reggie said try to figure out why you did it. All alcohol does is to let go of your inhabitions. Somewhere in you, you must still feel upsetment over the cheating your SO has done to you in the past. Perhaps you were testing the waters on how it would feel to get revenge, perhaps you feel lonely.. That's something for you to answer within' yourself. Stop beating yourself up over the guilt, when those thoughts get into your head, force yourself to think of something else. And relax! You are a good person Oh, and why you two dragging out the engagement for so long? 7 years before he proposed and he still hasn't married you after 3 years? What's up with that? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I want to thank all of you for the time youve taken to read an respond. I have since seen and talk to my co-wrker like nothing at all ever happened. I'm going to leave it at that and go on NO MORE drinking. I just want to know how do I get over this guilt and will it just disapear. I cant ever ever let my H find out or alot of lives will be ruin so telling him is out of the ?? If you are like most people, you will not feel guilty forever. Most of us start rationalizing and doing all types of things subconsciously so as to avoid thinking about the things we have done wrong. You will find, in time, you don't think about it, except on some occassions when you are vulnerable. I wonder though, if this unresolved stuff bites us in the ass at the end of our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 well lastnight I got drunk and kissed someone I work with and am fairly close to. I guess I want to know is this really cheating yes to the point I need to ruin everyone life and lose the best job I'll ever have over 2 kisses in one night that happened more so because of the alcohol or can I close my eyes and pretend it never happened. first, why would you lose your job? I'm assuming you weren't on the job if you were drinking, so what you do in private should have not bearing on your job. sure, you can close your eyes and pretend it never happend...suffer no real consequence to your actions.....but do you think your significant other deserves the truth from you? And no, it wasn't because of the alcohol. don't try to blame it on that...own up to your sh#t. I really feel like crap over this, its just not me and I wish I could take those 15 mins of alone time back 15 minutes...must have been one helluva kiss....and you were able to keep hands off of da privates that whole time? hmmmmmm:o Next questions how can I ever make my guilt go away?? well, the wording of your post would insinuate that you really don't think what you did was a huge deal, even though you feel like crap about it. So I would think your "guilt" would diminish over time. Question is, what chance is there of your SO finding out? I love my fiance with all my heart and never ever want to be the reason of any pain. This is the worst thing Ive ever done while we were together. maybe you should quit drinking in social settings without your fiance? Even though drinking is not an excuse, you have proven you can't handle those situations. Link to post Share on other sites
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