What may he be thinking?

[Grace]

I've written a couple of posts so far, trying to get through a difficult time. Everyone who has responded has been very helpful and I thank you.

 

A brief summary is... my boyfriend of 9 mos. (who I had seen and talked to just about everyday) started pulling away saying that he just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, just when I thought things were finally starting to really grow between us. He blamed me at first, then said we just weren't compatible and fought too much (he started picking small fights with me and was starting to always get frustrated with me), then finally said it wasn't me, but him. He said he needed to focus on his career because he hated his job so much and not on a relationship. He said he was depressed about his life and had to figure himself out alone. He then decided we didn't have to fully break up (after I begged him not to), but he was going to put me on a back burner for a while, which he did.

 

After 3 weeks of being on a back burner, I didn't return his phone call because I was tired of being at his beckon call. After 2-1/2 weeks of him not calling me to see how or where I was, I finally realized that he didn't care and I emailed him, telling him I couldn't wait any longer for him to decide if I was important or not and that I had to move on and it was officially over. He emailed back with he was sorry it didn't work out between us, but he is attracted to so many of my wonderful qualities, but he had to focus on himself and that he was now in selfish mode and had to figure out what makes him tick and he has to do this alone (By the way, I know for a fact there is no other woman). He also hoped that one day we could be friends again and share somemore good times.

 

After reading his response, I called him and left a message asking him if we could talk, not to reconcile, but to just talk. He didn't return my call, so I went into a mourning phase. I cried constantly for 3 days, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and have been trying to accept that it's over and that he just doesn't want a relationship with me. Well 4 days after I left a message, he finally called me and left a message. He said "I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to call you sooner, but we can get together someplace quiet and talk." I called him back and he was so formal sounding when he was talking to me, as if I was a client or something...very unemotional. I told him I couldn't talk at that moment cause I was going into a show, but that I had gotten his message. I then said, "We don't have to meet in person, I was just thinking we could talk over the phone." ( At this point, I already thought it was too late to even talk and seeing him would bring me back to square 1. I had already started mourning and had accepted it was over, I needed to talk to him 4 days prior when he had totally ended it.)

 

Anyway, he seemed a bit stumped by my response and then said "Well, uh, uh we can talk on the phone a couple of times and see how it goes and then maybe we can meet." I thought, what does he want to do, break up w/ me 3 times in a row. We then spoke for a min and he wished my family well and I told him since he was the one that wanted to end things w/ us, that he can call me when he has time and wants to talk. He said, "Thank you for saying that, I appreciate it." (Whatever that meant).

 

Does it sound like he just wants to be friends or maybe even take things slow and start over? Or does it sound like maybe he wants to just be nice and sit down and talk about our break-up (which seems kinda pointless now that so much time has passed). It's been 2 mos. since he's started pulling away and about a month since we've even seen each other. I've pretty much just let him go w/o forcing anything upon him or bothering him. I really miss him and he's going away next week to Florida. He may not call me until he gets back. By that point, I'm not going to want to talk about the break-up and dredge it all back up. Does anyone have any insight as to what might be going on in his mind?

[UCFKevin]

Sounds like it's done.

[HokeyReligions]

It doesn't matter what is going on in his mind. What matters is what is going on in yours.

 

You have been hurting and you know you need to move on, but you won't be able to do that until you completely let this guy go. No more contact.

 

Imagine meeting a really great guy and falling in love and yet you are still in contact with your old flame. I can imagine your new guy's post if he were to come here:

 

"Met this great woman, I really love her, but she is still in contact with her old flame....."

 

Wait -- I think I have seen posts like that here. Let this guy go and move ahead with your life.

[DonTomaso]

Why don't you ask him what it means? This sounds like some really bad communication. Why don't you just have a heart to heart and see what he has to say. It sounds like he wants to communicate with you and you want to communicate with him, but you are just playing games with eachother.

[Grace]

You're right DonTomaso. When he tried to break up with me 2 months ago, after blaming me first and then finally putting the blame on himself, he asked if we could be friends (and he really meant it). I said to give me a couple of months until I've moved on and then we could be friends. He got so upset and said "Why can't you be my friend now? You're being unhealthy." I said, just give me time. He said "Why can't we talk on the phone once or twice a week and see each other once a week and see if it could grow into something more...an no sex, just strictly friends? Maybe we could have a future one day, but I just can't give it to you now." I said no, if it's over, then it's over. I'm not going to be your friend knowing you're seeing other people. He said, "I don't have plans to see other people at this time, I just want to work on myself right now." After talking for an hour we decided to stay together, but that's when the next day he started putting me on the back burner anyway. that's when I backed off and he let me.

 

Now I miss him so much and I know he wants to be friends. I'm just hoping he doesn't want to be "JUST FRIENDS". I still love him too much to be just friends and I know (cause he told me) that he's so incredibly attracted to me. He even told me that the night he tried to break up with me. I don't mind taking it slow and being just friends at first (of course he won't get any sex) and then I'm hoping it will grow. When I spoke to him this past Sunday, he said his sales at work have been poor this past month and he was going to be busy focusing on that this week and then next week he's going to florida with his friends. Did I mention his friends (the unmarried ones) are all now single too? I'm sure that plays a big factor, but he said it had nothing to do with anything. The funny thing is all his single friends are moaning cause they all want a girlfriend so badly again.

[BraveGirl]

A little similar to my very recent (still going on) experience....

When my man, or now ex man, said similar things a few months ago about needing to sort things out alone, I did everything I could to peruade him he was wrong. We'd had problems and I tried to convince him that we could best sort these out together.

Well we tried for about 4 months. It kept going wrong and I would persuade him again and again.

2 weeks ago he left for good this time, no more 'Let's see what happens in the future'. Even that's gone.

Now I realise that if I had been more patient, less scared of losing him, and let him be a bit, he would probably be here now.

But then you never know what they are really thinking. I wish for myself that I had listened a bit more to the 'maybe in a while' things he said. He may have meant them.

 

As someone else just said too, communication...

 

So I would go with talk, but don't be too demanding.

[Grace]

Hi Bravegirl. I don't know if you'll end up reading this or not, but it's only been 2 weeks for you. It doesn't mean that it's totally over, though right now it feels that way. I stink when I need to give myself advice, but I'm pretty good when giving advice....and in this case it may even help me.

 

When my guy walked away, I didn't realize that he was pulling away and I was preventing him from getting his space. I don't think he even realized himself why he wanted to walk away, so he gave me a bunch of reasons that made very little sense. I then prevented him from leaving by begging him not to leave me. He stayed, because deep down, he really didn't wanted to leave. When someone wants to break up with you, they break up with you. There's no amount of begging that could keep someone around to make it work, if their heart doesn't want it. For four more months your guy stayed...because he reallly deep down wanted to. You probably twisted yourself into pretzles trying to make it work and it didn't because there was nothing you could do and your kicking yourself thinking there was something you could have done. It was all him and had nothing to do with you. He just didn't get to pull away and figure things out without you. It sounds like there was no other woman. Now that he's fully pulled away, let him. I'm letting mine too. The only risk they're taking that we've failed to realize, is that if they do decide to come back, will we have mourned so deeply that we move on and don't want them when they return? That's ususally what happens when they wait too long. Time, a best friend and a worst enemy.

[BraveGirl]

I'm feeling crap at giving or taking advice right now. My whole life seems to have got into a limbo of 'what not do next' regarding him (having written all sorts of advice today about living your own life etc - Ha!) I suppose it just goes up ands down.

 

So how long is it since you contacted him now, and how long are you going to keep going? Counting the days is getting boring - I want a reward!

[Grace]

It's been a 1-1/2 weeks since I last talked to him. He wanted to get together to talk, but I told him no that we could talk on the phone. He told me that he was busy for the next 2 weeks and this week he's in Florida on vacation. He said he'd call me when he got back. At this point, I've been hurting so much, I'm not really waiting for his phone call...I'm kind of dreading it. What's the point of talking now anyway. He'll call and make me hurt all over again or say that he wants to be friends. I needed to talk 2 weeks ago when it first happened. Even if he does come back, will I ever be able to trust him again. If we ever got married, will he cop out on me 5 - 10 yrs down the road (with children) cause the going gets tough. These guys that have pulled away from us think that they are acting on strength, when in fact they're acting on weakness and fear. It takes a strong person to be able to handle the ups and downs of any relationship. It seems to me that you and I have chosen weak guys. The only problem is we still love them, so it's hard to see them for what they really are and we want to keep seeing the good in them. I guess we're in a similar situation and it's hard for anyone to understand who's not going through it. I've stopped asking people what they think, cause for every person I've asked, I get a different opinion.

 

In your relationship, when did your guy start pulling away? What exactly happened?

[julieg]

i started pulling away 6-9 mos before i actually broke up. it was easier on me that way but in retrospect it must have confused my ex.

[BraveGirl]

Hi Grace, How's it going?

What you say about men pulling away out of weakness rather than strength rings very true. Several of my friends have referred to my ex as being weak, and I have always thought our love would remedy that (how romantic!). But weak suggests wimpiness, it's not that. Weak in terms of things like loyalty, staying power etc. I think mine has a lot to do with him being adopted, and I wanted to be there for him cos of that. (Read my posts in Coping?)

 

And yes I too have thought, if we stayed together, would he always show this weakness when the crunch came.

 

Funnily enough, it all started right at the beginning I think, nearly 2 years ago. I came back from working abroad as I had met him and it seemed the right thing to do. Having begged me to come back, phoning me constantly, the very next day ie. 24 hours after I got back, he said, 'I have to get to sleep before work, can you go please?' I was stunned. He took me to Paris for my birthday, we got back at 1am and he made me drive home (45 minutes away), rather than wait til the morning. So many instances of this. The more he did it the more I made it very clear it upset me, and it became a big arguing point.

I could have not gone on about it, but I do think it was very unthoughtful/ weak of him.

BUT I still miss him every second.

[Grace]

I haven't read your posting in Coping yet, but from what you're telling me, you're dealing with a major commitment phobic. The closer you guys got, the more he pulled away. You two went to Paris and spent so much time together...bonding...and then when you got back, he got that sick to his stomach feeling and all he could think about was getting away from you. It had nothing to do with his feelings for you and not caring for you (letting you drive home at 1:00am after a long trip...which was totally wrong). It's like he went into panic mode, got that sick to his gut feeling and any rationale just went out the window. All he could think was to get away from you. Then when you guys got some distance between you, he was able to relax, think about things and miss you again. It's a back and forth thing, that will happen with anyone he gets close to. You seem to still blame yourself (which I'm still kind of doing) but you had every right to be upset that he wanted you to leave so late. You have a healthier mind and a healthier way of thinking. That's not what started everything, so don't even think that. It was his panicking and the getting to close. It was already triggered whether you had said something or let it go. If you think about it, this man did everything he could to win your heart and then pushed you away once he did. Total commitment phobe. Maybe being adopted had a lot to do with it. I know what you're feeling. You want to be there for him and work through it with him and you love him even though he's has this problem and has hurt you. I feel the same way. Mine has a mother who couldn't deal or work thru anything. She divorced the father and took him for everything. when the going got tough, she got going and up and moved to CA. My bf seems to do the same thing. When things get slightly tough, he ups and goes. Same with yours. They can't cope or deal with closeness. Unfortunately, we can't help them. No matter how much love we give them, we can't help them. Only therapy can help. Your guy will come back to you (if you can be strong enough to wait...don't worry, I'm waiting too) and when he does, don't just get back with him. Be his friend if you love and care for him enough. When he comes back, he'll be ready to talk, so I'd let him know you can't just get back with him and then suggest therapy. Let him know that maybe eventually you too could slowly start to work things out if he starts to work through his emotional issues.

 

You need to do what I've been trying to do...empower yourself. Learn to know your self worth. I know you've been blaming yourself, cause that's what I've been doing. Just the fact that you're even writing a posting about this man shows your capacity for love and what you would do to save it. You're definitely a good person with a good heart. Someone one day will appreciate, respect and be worthy of your love. It shouldn't have to be this hard or this much of a struggle to get love. That's not what love is about.

[BraveGirl]

Too right, such a struggle for love as you say.

I'll give you anotherte example, just to get it out of my system---

We are living together in the tropics, been there 6 weeks, it's Valentine's Day. We've talked about going to the nearby swanky hotel for dinner. I get dressed and excited, have a drink, say shall we go. Well we never go, he just didn;t do it for some reason, and I ended up cooking potatoes in the end! He said he was waiting for me to organise something.

Our last weekend together was the opposite - he spontaneously picked me up and wined, dined and adored me, then phoned and send it was all over.

????

 

At least your man is still talking to you, so whether you are willing to accept him back or not, at least you can ask the questions and have the talks you want or need to.

But if you think you are past that, and no longer need to, I admire you.

 

I think the most important thing is to be as good as possible to each other. Most of us have lost the chance of that, so if the chance is still there(to be nice to each other in any way) then make the most of it.

 

It sounds like you are really not to blame at all. I am still convinced I am, as I have said hurtful things and wonder how I would feel if someone said them to me.

[Coffee13]

Hi Bravegirl, maybe you want to read my post "unequally yoked from the beginning" or "book length pain" because it sounds quite like your story only we were engaged. I see now that being engaged after less than two years at our age may have been a set up anyway(but that's beside the point:)). Anyway, my ex first came to me with a bunch of issues he had with me then with issues he had in terms of wanting to focus on his education, get his life in order, have freedom and crap that had nothing to do with me. It is extremely hard when you love someone and gave your best to think that they could turn around and leave. I too begged my ex to stay and he did for a few days then he left again even as we BOTH were crying hysterically. He told me then that it was super hard for him to leave and after that he said to me that if he came back he knew he'd leave again basically because he has issues and is not sure he will EVER be able to maintain a relationship. Even with those words, I took it super personal because someday he'll start dating other women but then I realized that I had to listen to his words finally and realize it truly wasn't me. He said he needed to "escape" our relationship even as he wanted to be friends. I spent so much time beating up on me and thinking I'm horrible when I didn't push him away and he didn't want me out of his life rather he could not handle a relationship. Then I had a friend who said to me that your partner can only perceive react to you from the position he is at in his own life which also struck me.

 

 

My ex and I broke up two months ago. The longest we didn't speak was for 2 weeks then he contacted me asking AGAIN to be friends and I finally cut him off for the same reasons you speak of (loving him too much to be friends right now). My goal is go for months without talking to him and then see. I figure if he can't make promises and surely has broken promises then I don't owe him anymore promises because I never broke not one to him. Who knows what the future holds but I can't wait for that when I deserve love and am a loveable person who gives love too:)

 

 

A note on giving a man time: I have read stories and talked to friends about this issue until I am blue in the face. There is no magic to giving a man time. (Granted if you acted crazy when a man broke up with you then he'd be scared to come back! j/k)Some women have backed off completely/ gave a man time and the man has come back for good; most times they seem to come to back temporarily or not at all. Time does nothing by itself, it's what the man does with that time. And then too, I am not sure I want someone who reaches back to me for a relationship out of deprivation or fear.

[Grace]

Bravegirl and Coffee. It's so good to talk to people who have gone through similar situations. Though they aren't the same, we all have given our love and have been abandoned. The three of us have blamed ourselves for the unhealthy behavior of our boyfriends.

 

Bravegirl, you can't see the forest through the trees, but we can. After reading that situation where you were told by this man that you were going out for a wonderful evening out for V-Day, you get dressed up and are excited (like a normal person would be), then he just doesn't do anything about it (and squashed your hopes). That was just plain mean. It's not you...believe me. I don't even know you and I can tell you it's not you. You don't see it now, but you will in time. I had an ex-bf of mine who did something similar to me once. Similar, except it was my birthday. He said to me to get dressed up and that he was taking me out to dinner at this incredibly expensive restaurant in NYC. Needless to say, he was unreachable at the time we were supposed to meet. He called me 2 hours later and didn't have a reason. Except that he had changed his mind and just wasn't into doing the dinner thing anymore. Talk about jerk. He ruined my whole B-day. My friend ended up taking me out to dinner and I couldn't stop crying the whole time. I was the normal one....he was the wierdo. At the time, I thought it was me, but years later...it was him. He was sick in the head...not normal. I would never do that to someone. I'm a person of my word. I would never build up hope for someone only to let them down, because I'm nice and have pride in myself. This guy you were with. If he's doing it to you, he'd do it to your kids if you had any. He'd be making continuous empty promises to them and would constantly let them down. You don't want to raise children in that kind of environment. You have to also think future. Also, Judging from this guys pattern, you have more power here than you realize. Use it to your benefit to empower yourself. This guy will come back to you, I guarantee. It will be a while, but he will. He needs you cause you've put up with his fickleness for so long and the comfortable patterns been developed. Use this time that he's pulling away to see him for what he is. When he does come back, I pray that you've met a guy who isn't going to toy with your emotions. The funny thing is, one day you're going to get sick of him and his games, you'll fall out of love with him and he'll fall in love with you. That's when the pattern will finally be broken and that's when he'll finally stay and put effort into the relationship. This is exactly what happened in my 6 yr. relationship I had once. He toyed with my head for 4 years. Kept pulling away...once for 4 mos. and wouldn't even call. The last 2, I fell out of love and he fell in love with me. 9 yrs later, he's still trying to get me back.

 

Coffee. You sound like you're getting better. It's still is hurting you because you've lost someone you love, but when you finally start to understand why, you can at least rationalize things...which is where you seem to be. I'm still trying to rationalize things, and then at times I get so angry and blame myself again. My ex also wanted to stay friends and see if maybe it could grow again one day, and then maybe we could possibly have a future. He didn't really want to end things, but he wanted to keep me on a back burner, which I refused...so I ended it and he basically said, yeah, it's best if we do, cause I can't give you a normal relationship at this time. He said he just don't have it in him to give and he needs to be selfish and work on himself right now. I hate him (yet love him so much) for hurting me, that I don't want to give him my friendship. I told him to give me a couple of months to get over him first and then maybe one day. He called me unhealthy and said I should be friends with him now.

[BraveGirl]

I really can't see the wood for the trees! (as we say in the UK)

 

I'm going to start a new post as this is really yours Grace, and you are giving us all the advice!

I'm sorry I've not been very good at giving you advice back- I can just see how you are feeling and admire you for feeling stronger - are you?

 

Yes I have acted crazy Coffee, that's what I am going to write about in new post, I'd be very grateful if you could both read it...

 

BraveGirl

[Grace]

Hi Bravegirl. It's not that I'm strong...at least I'm not sure if I am or not. All I know is feeling horrible pining over someone who hasn't treated me well recently, makes me angry with myself. He's taking up space in my head undeservingly. I didn't think this way at first. This break-up has really been going on for about 2 mos now. The first month he just put me on a back burner, this past mos. I ended it with him cause he wasn't treating me right and I guess I was trying to get a reaction from him. He counteracted my break-up w/ a break-up, acting like it was his idea. For a good 3 weeks, I was a real mess. I couldn't see the wood in the trees. After talking to people about it....constantly. Getting opinion after opinion. I realized that everyone had a different opinion. One would make me feel better, another would make me cry. I decided to stop asking people what they thought "HE" was thinking and I started to focus on what "I" was thinking and feeling. All I knew was I was hurting and I didn't like it. It was effecting my day. I wasn't eating or sleeping. He's off in Florida having a good time, I'm home crying. That's not being fair to myself. I decided to start looking at my self worth and what I had to offer him. I'm an attractive woman, who's a great cook, non-smothering, fun-loving, trusting, responsible and would never want to hurt someone...I started realizing what a catch I am. If he can't see it and appreciate it, then he's sick in the head. Good catches are hard to find and he's just throwing it away. We were a great match. And since I'm confident in knowing we were a great match, I now know one day he'll be back (they usually do come back) and I'll be over him and "hopefully" have moved on to someone who's worthy of me...and healthy. I don't want to waste my life being someone's therapist, when there are healthy guys out there who can treat me well. Let a guy dote on me for once. I can tell from your postings that you're a great catch too. You wouldn't put up with being treated like that by a female friend, why put up with it from a guy friend (or boyfriend in this case). We're all just human when it comes down to it. This is how you empower yourself. Just keep realizing great things about yourself and how horribly you were treated by someone mean. Our minds are computers you know. One day you'll see how unhealthy this guy is for you. He's poison. He's caused way too many tears for you. Love is supposed to make you feel good about yourself and lift you up. This guy isn't doing that for you. He's not nice. For both you, Coffee and myself...the guy who's worth crying over, will never make us cry. He'll make us laugh and smile.