Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Oops, accidently pressed send on the laptop! I've been posting here on and off for around 18 months now and my situation has changed somewhat which has prompted me to ask the very reliable LS forum members for some input. I have been in an EA for 18mths with a MM. It started out as a PA but after 6 weeks, while separated from each other, he told his W about us and confessed to her that he was fallininglove with me. Long story short, she agreed (20yrs married) to forgive him and work on rebuilding the marriage. MM had also had an A 7 yrs earlier, and W found out. I also told my H about the affair at that point, but he is unaware that we have stayed in contact. Our EA continued although on several occasions we tried NC, without success. I made a decision to separate from my H (18yrs together) a month ago, as I could no longer go on deceiving myself, or him or our children that my heart was in our marriage. I knew that it was not. Although it has been an incredibly difficult and some would say 'selfish' decision, I still believe it is the right one. I am no longer a 'cake eater' wanting it both ways and the guilt I was carrying around with me every day has lightened substantially. I was clear with MM that I was not leaving my H so that we could be together, as MM has never said that he is prepared to leave his W and children.... but, it has certainly changed the dynamic of our R. At first MM was terrified that after my separation, my H would come after him and physically injure him and/or that I would try and hurt him by telling his W of our continued contact. MM is very insecure about his safety... which I don't really understand as it was his decision to tell his W about us in the first place. Now that I have reassured him that I have no intention of hurting him... he is starting to feel safe again and seems to be opening up more and becoming slightly less self-protective. MM has 2 teenage children living OS at present and the plan is for he and his W and their younger child to move OS in about 6 weeks time, initially this was going to be forever. Recently, MM has advised that he will be returning here after one month and staying on for 6mths to complete a work project that he has committed to. This means that MM will be here, on his own, no W or children for 6 months and I am now separated. Well, you can imagine what my next set of question are.... Do I invest more into our R during this time that provides us with a unique opportunity to deepen our R ........ (I am in love with him) ........ knowing that after 6mths he WILL return OS with his family ........ leaving me heartbroken and alone ...... and may NEVER return again? OR Do I pull out now ........ go NC ......... (which I have been unable to do previously and can only imagine will be so much harder knowing that he is here alone) and save myself the trauma of what logical thinking tells me. I'm backed into a corner again here ........ do I go with my head or my heart ........? My heart seems to win everytime ........ after all I followed my heart in choosing to separate. Any thoughts here guys? ........ Love n peace AR Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Honestly this can go either way-it depends on him. This can be a f*** fest. Or this can be a time for you to bond and him to realize that he's with the wrong mate. The thing is, you can't know what he's really thinking, so you don't know his intentions. YOU are the one who knows him, what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Honestly this can go either way-it depends on him. This can be a f*** fest. Or this can be a time for you to bond and him to realize that he's with the wrong mate. The thing is, you can't know what he's really thinking, so you don't know his intentions. YOU are the one who knows him, what do you think? Hey GEL, thanks for responding ........ Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I don't think HE knows. I know he is scared of his feelings for me because they are unlike anything he has felt before ..... We have discussed recently that he fears true intimacy ... MM has been unable to be intimate with his W (he tells me) since the one time that he and I were intimate 18mths ago...... He says his guilt prevents him from being able to go there ............... He shares alot of himself with me ....... although it has taken him a long time to trust me enough to do that. He shares much more of his thoughts and feelings with me than he does his W. MM has too much respect for me and for himself for it to be a F*** fest, but I hear what you're saying loud and clear. I tend to think it would be the latter for us ....... AR Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Actually, I think what I worry about most is ......... if we do use the time to bond and deepen our R ....... and it is all that we anticipate ...... will he STILL return to his W and kids OS regardless.........? He is incredibly worried about approval, especially from his own parents and his children and how they might see him if he decided to end his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
MotoMan Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 It sounds like your afraid to risk investing more time with him and then he goes back to his wife anyway, right? If he's so afraid of approval from his parents & kids, does he have the backbone to stand by you in thick and thin, or will he do what everyone else thinks he should do? I'm also wondering if you told your H about your A in the course of your own separation? Getting back to your MM, are you prepared to always be the OW to his parents and kids? It's a package deal. And if he's approval concious now, won't he be later if you're with him? Take him at his worst, times it by 10, and ask yourself if you could deal with it. As one who had an A, went through a contentious D, and am still with the OW, the grass isn't any greener, just different. I need the same relationship skills to succeed in this R as I needed in my M. The difference is that my W was verbally and emotionally (and towards the end, physically) abusive, and my current R has none of that. And life experience gives you more perspective...ah the 20/20 hindsight! It looks to me like he's making overtures to have his cake and eat it too. Ask yourself if HE has the R skills to make things work with you. In the end though, you can only control your side of the R. He could fly off at the last minute (or after 6 months). How much does he stand to lose if he does get a D? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 It sounds like your afraid to risk investing more time with him and then he goes back to his wife anyway, right? If he's so afraid of approval from his parents & kids, does he have the backbone to stand by you in thick and thin, or will he do what everyone else thinks he should do? I'm also wondering if you told your H about your A in the course of your own separation? Getting back to your MM, are you prepared to always be the OW to his parents and kids? It's a package deal. And if he's approval concious now, won't he be later if you're with him? Take him at his worst, times it by 10, and ask yourself if you could deal with it. As one who had an A, went through a contentious D, and am still with the OW, the grass isn't any greener, just different. I need the same relationship skills to succeed in this R as I needed in my M. The difference is that my W was verbally and emotionally (and towards the end, physically) abusive, and my current R has none of that. And life experience gives you more perspective...ah the 20/20 hindsight! It looks to me like he's making overtures to have his cake and eat it too. Ask yourself if HE has the R skills to make things work with you. In the end though, you can only control your side of the R. He could fly off at the last minute (or after 6 months). How much does he stand to lose if he does get a D? You raise some good points here motoman. Right now, I think he would go with what everyone else thinks he should do but in 6mths time given the chance to explore our relationship further, maybe that would be different? My H knows of our A, but not that we kept in touch beyond Jan 08. Can I ask why you're curious about that ........ I'm curious! Am I prepared to always be the OW?, probably not, but then is anyone ever prepared for that? I would be prepared to stand by him and our relationship unconditionally though, if I believed it was truly what we both wanted. His worst x 10 ...... now that's scary! He runs and hides and buries his head in the sand, sometimes for days, because of his fears ..... not sure I could deal with that. But at the moment, we are talking about ways to confront our feelings, rather than avoid, so I'm hopeful? I wouldn't pretend that we would face all the same challenges that intimate relationships give us, but I agree, I am older, and perhaps wiser and more in tune with my needs now and maybe better able to negotiate them than ever before, and right now, different sounds greener .... I guess, what I'm really asking myself is ...... if I give it my best shot ... given that this opportunity is presenting itself ... AND he decides to return OS anyway ....... which I think he will ........ (and at least he will have a REAL relationship to compare his M with by then) ...... how do I prepare myself for that mentally and emotionally so that I don't end up suicidal!!! when that time comes????? Link to post Share on other sites
LaGazelle Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Hey GEL, thanks for responding ........ Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I don't think HE knows. I know he is scared of his feelings for me because they are unlike anything he has felt before ..... We have discussed recently that he fears true intimacy ... MM has been unable to be intimate with his W (he tells me) since the one time that he and I were intimate 18mths ago...... He says his guilt prevents him from being able to go there ............... He shares alot of himself with me ....... although it has taken him a long time to trust me enough to do that. He shares much more of his thoughts and feelings with me than he does his W. MM has too much respect for me and for himself for it to be a F*** fest, but I hear what you're saying loud and clear. I tend to think it would be the latter for us ....... AR His fear of intimacy - if there is any truth to that, may be the root cause of his problem. By offloading on you he can avoid being intimate with his wife. What then when he is in a full blown relationship with you without another OW to blow off steam on? Will he still be able to be "intimate" with you? How on earth do you know he shares more with you than he does with his wife!? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 What does OS mean? Deepen what? He is married he is not plannning to leave. You are enabling him to stay and not make a choice by being in the A. If you want more than an A then this is not a good strategy. If you are accepting of the fact that perhaps an A is all he can offer you, then go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 I think it means out of state. There was one statement that stood out to me " MM feared her H coming after him after she decided to leave" I find this comical in a sad way. Don't cheaters know this going in, that physical retaliation is a possibility. Brave enough to cheat, but too cowardly to take what ever comes. Rather pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 What does OS mean? Deepen what? He is married he is not plannning to leave. You are enabling him to stay and not make a choice by being in the A. If you want more than an A then this is not a good strategy. If you are accepting of the fact that perhaps an A is all he can offer you, then go for it. Hi JJ OS means overseas ........ Deepen our relationship .......... we acknowledge that's what we have .... and that we both do 'love' each other Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 His fear of intimacy - if there is any truth to that, may be the root cause of his problem. By offloading on you he can avoid being intimate with his wife. What then when he is in a full blown relationship with you without another OW to blow off steam on? Will he still be able to be "intimate" with you? How on earth do you know he shares more with you than he does with his wife!? I think this is perhaps the biggest insight that I have gained recently .... that he may always need 'someone' else to confide in ... and often this is someone who for good reason is 'unavailable' or 'unreliable' .... this serves his fear of intimacy rather nicely .... and yes, I think it may be very true what you say ..... unless of course, that he himself gains enough insight of his need to do this ..... and wishes to CHANGE!!! I can only assume that he's being truthful when he tell me that he communicates more openly with me than he would his W? But, you're right, it's an assumption. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Hi JJ OS means overseas ........ Deepen our relationship .......... we acknowledge that's what we have .... and that we both do 'love' each other OOPPSS, That's what I get for trying to answer for you. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 OOPPSS, That's what I get for trying to answer for you. Sorry. Hey, no probs, it was original ........ Link to post Share on other sites
GreenX Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 MM has 2 teenage children living OS at present and the plan is for he and his W and their younger child to move OS in about 6 weeks time, initially this was going to be forever. Recently, MM has advised that he will be returning here after one month and staying on for 6mths to complete a work project that he has committed to. This means that MM will be here, on his own, no W or children for 6 months and I am now separated. AR, Now that we know that OS means overseas, I am wondering, does his W have family over there? I know you mentioned his two older kids are already over there, is this for school or staying with family? I guess I question this because if after the 6 months you two get closer while they are all still OS, will this complicate things further because the W only went OS because of her H? I wonder if this will make his decision that much more difficult in the end of your 6 month time together because he will feel guilty about uprooting her life here and moving them all out there? I have a feeling in the end you will be hurt and I hope that I am wrong. I have a strong feeling that he will feel obligated to return even if things go so well and you will be left heartbroken, mourning the loss of a love that he isn't truly prepared to give you, given the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 AR, I definitely know what you mean about the dynamic changing when one party decides to get divorced and the other does not. While I did not expect my MM to follow suit, I hoped my MM would see it could be ok...that if I could get through it, he could - but it never really happened. If his family is going that far away, it'll make it even harder for him to break from them because being with you will mean being far away from his children. I hate to say it, but I think this 6 months may be all you will have together. If you are content with that, go right ahead, but if you know you will end up wanting more, it may be less painful for you to not go there at all. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 MM has 2 teenage children living OS at present and the plan is for he and his W and their younger child to move OS in about 6 weeks time, initially this was going to be forever. You see...he was walking away and only stayed out of a work commitment. He wasn't staying for you or to "decide". He will work for 6 months then leave. And that's exactly what will happen. The question, as you already have grasped, is will you play house with him or not? And that is exactly what you will be doing. You will use these 6 months to demonstrate you are better than his W and children. That home life with you is better than his W. That life with you is better than her. Hello OW/BS competition. But an A is ALWAYS better than the married life he leaves behind...its true of all A's. Oh, I know...you wont do that. But you will. Its what you are asking us on LS. I think that if you continue you will have a wonderful 6 months. Then it all comes crashing down and its harder for you and him. That knot in your gut only gets worse...the tears come harder and faster and the pain and devastation is worse for you. Let go of the hope. Its a false messiah. Just remember how I opened my post...he isnt staying for YOU. That's all you have to know... Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 He had an A before,was discovered and he was able to convince his wife he would change. It didnt work as here he is again. BUT: this time he felt so guilty about it , he actually told his wife about it. What does that tell you? He didnt tell his wife about you and say he wanted a divorce. He told his wife about you, stopped sleeping with you and told you he will not leave his wife. When he told his wife about the A, on his own he still must have been pretty convincing for her to be comfortable with his living on his own for 6 months with you here. Very convincing. Do you honestly believe if he has not had sex with her for a year and a half that she would feel so secure?? Certainly, he is manipulating his wife, If not maliciously, than simply because he is too selfish to come through with what he told her. But it sounds like he has been pretty straight with you in that you KNOW he hasn't had sex with you. You KNOW he decided to move away with his family. And you KNOW he is coming back for professional reasons. It doesnt sound as though you will have the strength to stop pursuing him or tell him no. And thats sad. The alternative is to see him and enjoy him for the six months he is with you. He isnt leaving his wife, he just cheats on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Well, you can imagine what my next set of question are.... Do I invest more into our R during this time that provides us with a unique opportunity to deepen our R ........ (I am in love with him) ........ knowing that after 6mths he WILL return OS with his family ........ leaving me heartbroken and alone ...... and may NEVER return again? OR Do I pull out now ........ go NC ......... (which I have been unable to do previously and can only imagine will be so much harder knowing that he is here alone) and save myself the trauma of what logical thinking tells me. Any thoughts here guys? ........ AR Hi Aquarius, I don't know what to advice you to do, but as I was in a somewhat similar situation recently I can tell you what I did and how I feel about it. Last year I was dating a man who told me he was seperated and headed for divorce. His 'exwife' -as he used to call her- lived on the other side of the country so it never felt like he was married and I had no reason to doubt him. After a few months we stopped dating because I moved overseas for work. I missed him a lot because I had fallen in love with him, but we had both agreed that a long-distance relationship would not work out between us. This year I came back to where he was living and we started dating again. Before things got to the next level I asked him about his marriage and whether he was divorced already. He told me he was not and in fact his wife and him had decided to stay married 'for the children' at least for the next few years. After pressing him he also told me that when he went to visit his family every few months he slept with his wife. He made it clear that he wanted to have an affair with me, at least for the next 3 months while we were both living at the same place and his wife was far away. (I had to move on for work again after that time.) I told him that I did not want to be the other woman and we could only be friends. The next 3 months were very painful for me because I saw him quite often (we lived in the same apartment complex) and I still loved him very much. He on the other side seemed to have no problem with our separation and was busy going out every weekend. Those 3 months were nothing but torture for me and I often wondered why I did not just give in and have an affair with him. He seemed to have a new girlfriend and not care about his marriage at all. I therefore wondered why I should not be the one he was with and just enjoy the time we could have together. In my head that seemed very romantic. The more realistic part of me said that I would probably feel even worse when I had to move on 3 months later. Especially since he obviously did not care about me as a person, but only wanted a warm body next to him in bed. Well, it's been a few weeks since I left and I have to say that getting over him was much easier now than last year. Maybe because this time we were never intimate with each other, or maybe because I knew he was married and only wanted me for sex, which naturally pushed him down from the pedestal I had build for him in my head and destroyed all my romantic fantasies of us getting married and raising a family together. Anyway, I think I might have had 3 fun months with him, but it would probably take me a whole lot longer to get over him if we had had a relationship during that time. I think you have to figure out what would be worse for you; knowing he is around, by himself, for 6 months and you can't be with him, or missing him and feeling rejected when he moves on after that time period. It is probably a heart versus head decision. I know you said your heart usually wins out over your head, so does mine, which is why I am still surprised I was actually able to stick to my 'not becoming the Other woman' decision. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 AR, Now that we know that OS means overseas, I am wondering, does his W have family over there? I know you mentioned his two older kids are already over there, is this for school or staying with family? I guess I question this because if after the 6 months you two get closer while they are all still OS, will this complicate things further because the W only went OS because of her H? I wonder if this will make his decision that much more difficult in the end of your 6 month time together because he will feel guilty about uprooting her life here and moving them all out there? I have a feeling in the end you will be hurt and I hope that I am wrong. I have a strong feeling that he will feel obligated to return even if things go so well and you will be left heartbroken, mourning the loss of a love that he isn't truly prepared to give you, given the circumstances. Thanks for asking and for your input here. He and his W are both originally from the OS country so they both have family there. His 3 children however were born in this country, and the eldest child is already expressing a desire to return here as she misses her homeland. I think inevitably, one or more of his children will live in this country as years pass so he would have family in both countries which could work in our favour. I think you're right. In my head, I believe he will return after his work commitment here ends, BUT...... at least he would be taking with him a more accurate version of what a relationship with me looks like ...... as opposed to an A relationship (due to his W's absence), but technically it is of course, still an A. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 You see...he was walking away and only stayed out of a work commitment. He wasn't staying for you or to "decide". He will work for 6 months then leave. And that's exactly what will happen. The question, as you already have grasped, is will you play house with him or not? And that is exactly what you will be doing. You will use these 6 months to demonstrate you are better than his W and children. That home life with you is better than his W. That life with you is better than her. Hello OW/BS competition. But an A is ALWAYS better than the married life he leaves behind...its true of all A's. Oh, I know...you wont do that. But you will. Its what you are asking us on LS. I think that if you continue you will have a wonderful 6 months. Then it all comes crashing down and its harder for you and him. That knot in your gut only gets worse...the tears come harder and faster and the pain and devastation is worse for you. Let go of the hope. Its a false messiah. Just remember how I opened my post...he isnt staying for YOU. That's all you have to know... I don't disagree with your rational here ........ but he does continually tell me that he may not be happy OS because it is going to be a dramatic lifestyle change for him ...... and even talks about where we would live in this country together ......... IF he chooses to return. So, yes .... some of the hope in my heart is perhaps real ...... and some imagined. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 He had an A before,was discovered and he was able to convince his wife he would change. It didnt work as here he is again. BUT: this time he felt so guilty about it , he actually told his wife about it. What does that tell you? He didnt tell his wife about you and say he wanted a divorce. He told his wife about you, stopped sleeping with you and told you he will not leave his wife. When he told his wife about the A, on his own he still must have been pretty convincing for her to be comfortable with his living on his own for 6 months with you here. Very convincing. Do you honestly believe if he has not had sex with her for a year and a half that she would feel so secure?? Certainly, he is manipulating his wife, If not maliciously, than simply because he is too selfish to come through with what he told her. But it sounds like he has been pretty straight with you in that you KNOW he hasn't had sex with you. You KNOW he decided to move away with his family. And you KNOW he is coming back for professional reasons. It doesnt sound as though you will have the strength to stop pursuing him or tell him no. And thats sad. The alternative is to see him and enjoy him for the six months he is with you. He isnt leaving his wife, he just cheats on her. He is selfish, no question and repeatedly acknowledges that.... again, I don't disagree with you thinking ... and I have grown to respect your views on this forum. When he found out about the 6mth professional stint, he was excited about telling me ...... he could see the opportunity for us..... and yes, you're right ........ he struggles with his guilt and has said that he cannot be more present in our relationship while his W is still here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Hi Aquarius, I don't know what to advice you to do, but as I was in a somewhat similar situation recently I can tell you what I did and how I feel about it. Last year I was dating a man who told me he was seperated and headed for divorce. His 'exwife' -as he used to call her- lived on the other side of the country so it never felt like he was married and I had no reason to doubt him. After a few months we stopped dating because I moved overseas for work. I missed him a lot because I had fallen in love with him, but we had both agreed that a long-distance relationship would not work out between us. This year I came back to where he was living and we started dating again. Before things got to the next level I asked him about his marriage and whether he was divorced already. He told me he was not and in fact his wife and him had decided to stay married 'for the children' at least for the next few years. After pressing him he also told me that when he went to visit his family every few months he slept with his wife. He made it clear that he wanted to have an affair with me, at least for the next 3 months while we were both living at the same place and his wife was far away. (I had to move on for work again after that time.) I told him that I did not want to be the other woman and we could only be friends. The next 3 months were very painful for me because I saw him quite often (we lived in the same apartment complex) and I still loved him very much. He on the other side seemed to have no problem with our separation and was busy going out every weekend. Those 3 months were nothing but torture for me and I often wondered why I did not just give in and have an affair with him. He seemed to have a new girlfriend and not care about his marriage at all. I therefore wondered why I should not be the one he was with and just enjoy the time we could have together. In my head that seemed very romantic. The more realistic part of me said that I would probably feel even worse when I had to move on 3 months later. Especially since he obviously did not care about me as a person, but only wanted a warm body next to him in bed. Well, it's been a few weeks since I left and I have to say that getting over him was much easier now than last year. Maybe because this time we were never intimate with each other, or maybe because I knew he was married and only wanted me for sex, which naturally pushed him down from the pedestal I had build for him in my head and destroyed all my romantic fantasies of us getting married and raising a family together. Anyway, I think I might have had 3 fun months with him, but it would probably take me a whole lot longer to get over him if we had had a relationship during that time. I think you have to figure out what would be worse for you; knowing he is around, by himself, for 6 months and you can't be with him, or missing him and feeling rejected when he moves on after that time period. It is probably a heart versus head decision. I know you said your heart usually wins out over your head, so does mine, which is why I am still surprised I was actually able to stick to my 'not becoming the Other woman' decision. Good luck! Thanks for sharing your story ........ I guess, because we've been in a relationship for 18mths already ........ it doesn't feel like we'd be starting anything new etc. but HE will be different once his family have departed, less anxious, more flexible etc. so our relationship may change under those circumstances ....... for better ....... or worse perhaps? It may be that I see him under a different light and realise it's not all I thought it was going to be.......... that certainly would make it easier to move on from this ..... but it's a big gamble with my own heart! Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Aquarius its possible that things will improve between you but what then? Hes told you that he may not be happy living overseas - what does that say to you? You are his back up plan. As someone else said he is staying for work etc etc the fact that you can spend time together is secondary. He has told his W and not chosen you a number of times. There is no more reason for hope this time than there was before, less I would say because he has already decided "no" on a number of occasions. Its really up to you. If you want to live for the moment, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all sort of thing, fine, but know going in that there is at least a 70% chance that is what you are signing up for. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 I guess, what I'm really asking myself is ...... if I give it my best shot ... given that this opportunity is presenting itself ... AND he decides to return OS anyway ....... which I think he will ........ (and at least he will have a REAL relationship to compare his M with by then) ...... how do I prepare myself for that mentally and emotionally so that I don't end up suicidal!!! when that time comes????? The question, as you already have grasped, is will you play house with him or not? And that is exactly what you will be doing. You will use these 6 months to demonstrate you are better than his W and children. That home life with you is better than his W. That life with you is better than her. Hello OW/BS competition. But an A is ALWAYS better than the married life he leaves behind...its true of all A's. Oh, I know...you wont do that. But you will. Its what you are asking us on LS. In my head, I believe he will return after his work commitment here ends, BUT...... at least he would be taking with him a more accurate version of what a relationship with me looks like ...... as opposed to an A relationship (due to his W's absence), but technically it is of course, still an A. I think we should explore this competition angle more. Many of the statements you have said place you squarely into a competition with his W, kids, and marriage. One BIG problem with your logic. You would be seeing him in secret. He has kids. IF you want an accurate comparison of your R with him compared to hers, then yours needs to be out in the open too. Not some secret six month venture of playing house while the family is away. Why even put yourself through this as it will all likely end in six months anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 Aquarius its possible that things will improve between you but what then? Hes told you that he may not be happy living overseas - what does that say to you? You are his back up plan. As someone else said he is staying for work etc etc the fact that you can spend time together is secondary. He has told his W and not chosen you a number of times. There is no more reason for hope this time than there was before, less I would say because he has already decided "no" on a number of occasions. Its really up to you. If you want to live for the moment, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all sort of thing, fine, but know going in that there is at least a 70% chance that is what you are signing up for. Thanks JJ. You're right, he has never made me a first choice before. I think I just need to be very clear about what I'd be signing up for to pursue this further ...... and keep my expectations realistic ..... VERY tricky when the heart is involved though ...... I wonder, if, once his family are so far away, if he will miss them so much that he actually pushes me away? or, will he need me as his security blanket to get thru that time ....... and then leave anyway. Ouch!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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