Cross-road (version 2)

[Aquarius Rising]

Ok ....... I'm a little bored ........ and in bed sick right? ......... so I just got this crazy idea and I'm gonna share it with the forum ....... why not?

 

Just imagine that the LS forum decided to organise an annual convention/conference/holiday/whateva! somewhere in the world, like a get-together for all of those that were able to make it ..... I don't know maybe Bali or somewhere like that and we just had a week of meeting, chatting, sharing and supporting ....... WHAT A BLAST! to put faces to all those usernames!!! Can you imagine the conversations!!!

 

Just a thought ........ for a rainy day ........ at least it is in my part of the world!

 

AR (possibly off her tree on antihistamines )

[jj33]

What it comes down to is that each person wants what they want.

 

He isnt doing this "to you" in his mind.

 

He is just suggesting that you do what he wants. And it is up to you to say yes or no.

 

Its hard when what the other person is offering isnt what you want, but that is really what it boils down to.

 

Some would say its a power struggle but we are each in control of our own actions.

 

if someone asked you to go bungee jumping in downtown LA would you say yes? Unlikely. No matter how much he told you he loved you and how much it would mean to him and how much fun you would have laughing about it after (if you survived) you would still say no.

 

Think of this as physical protection of the heart. No matter how bad it feels to be out of contact, you are not going to go bungee jumping in downtown LA with your heart.

[Aquarius Rising]

What it comes down to is that each person wants what they want.

 

He isnt doing this "to you" in his mind.

 

He is just suggesting that you do what he wants. And it is up to you to say yes or no.

 

Its hard when what the other person is offering isnt what you want, but that is really what it boils down to.

 

Some would say its a power struggle but we are each in control of our own actions.

 

Very timely JJ, MM emailed me tonight, just a very casual little 'how are you going?'

 

I told him straight. I'm sick in bed, and I have a tonne of worries and you're not here for me AGAIN! then I went on to say.... that I don't believe he is ever going to leave his wife .... he has made up his mind ... I need to just accept that and move on with my life. I said exactly what you are saying here 'we just want different things'.....

 

I also asked him not to try and respond to the emai that there is NOTHING he can say ....... it's all been said.

 

And now I need to do NOTHING!!! RIGHT??

 

AR

[fooled once]

Do nothing.

 

And I wish you hadn't responded to his email; because you feel right into his hands. He got you to respond to him. He knows he got under your skin because you lashed out at him.

 

But, it is done - just don't respond to any calls from him, any texts from him or any more emails from him.

[jj33]

As Fooled Once said NOTHING.

 

Unless and until he comes to you and says I have filed for divorce what is there to say?

 

The rest is just "hanging on" behavior. And that will just keep you stuck. Believe me I know. So easy to advise others, so hard to do the heavy lifting for yourself.

[fooled once]

Please don't even wait on him to make a move towards divorce.

 

He is going to feed you all kinds of lines and bullsh*t

 

Feel better and hell, get on a dating site, if only to give yourself a little more self confidence so that YOU can realize you are wonderful and even if he does pursue a divorce you don't want him or his wussy a** anymore.

 

You deserve a strong, independent, loving, compassionate, man who adores the ground you walk on. Someone who is so kind and giving that you think back and go "damn, what the hell was I thinking".

 

And you know what A, you WILL find him if you allow yourself to.

[Aquarius Rising]

Please don't even wait on him to make a move towards divorce.

 

He is going to feed you all kinds of lines and bullsh*t

 

Feel better and hell, get on a dating site, if only to give yourself a little more self confidence so that YOU can realize you are wonderful and even if he does pursue a divorce you don't want him or his wussy a** anymore.

 

You deserve a strong, independent, loving, compassionate, man who adores the ground you walk on. Someone who is so kind and giving that you think back and go "damn, what the hell was I thinking".

 

And you know what A, you WILL find him if you allow yourself to.

 

FO, you have a way with words ... and I felt my self-esteem lifting as I read your words. You are damn right ... He is weak ... he doesn't have strength for anything but to cling on feeding me bull**** so he can have his fragile little ego stroked ... He has already told me he is Mr Dependent on his wife ...... YUKK! I would never be comfortable with a dependent man in my life ....Eeeewww!!

 

I don't know anything about dating sites... I've been with my H 18 yrs... I wouldn't even know where to begin ... but it's funny ... I have thought .. wouldn't it be nice to have a male friend to chat to, maybe someone with some similar life experience etc. just to lift my spirits a bit?? Can you recommend one?........ and can it just be platonic contact or is the expectaction that everyone on there's is looking to hook-up?

 

I just want to say to both you and JJ, that you guys ROCK!! Truly, your support has been amazing here ....... I feel very lucky indeed. Hell, maybe I'll shout the 3 of us a trip to BALI and we can have our own mini-LS-conference (lol .....)

 

ARx

[Owl]

Where are you at with dealing with the end of your marriage? Are you "good" with it? Feel like it's a finished chapter in your life?

 

If so, then you may be ready to start looking around and dating. If not...take your time.

 

Rather than check out singles sites and stuff like that...you're probably better off resuming old hobbies/starting new ones, and see who you meet through the course of that.

 

Bottom line is...you probably don't want someone who is actively seeking/looking for a new relationship/hookup. You're probably better off seeing what comes up with someone you already share common interests with.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Aquarius Rising]

Where are you at with dealing with the end of your marriage? Are you "good" with it? Feel like it's a finished chapter in your life?

 

If so, then you may be ready to start looking around and dating. If not...take your time.

 

Rather than check out singles sites and stuff like that...you're probably better off resuming old hobbies/starting new ones, and see who you meet through the course of that.

 

Bottom line is...you probably don't want someone who is actively seeking/looking for a new relationship/hookup. You're probably better off seeing what comes up with someone you already share common interests with.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Hi Owl, nice to hear from you. And a great question.

 

Initially I thought that maybe we some space away from my H that I would miss him terribly and not cope with the fear of being on my own, sharing the parenting etc. etc. but I have to tell you, it's kind of been the opposite for me. I feel liberated, able to make decisions for myself and my kids, and able to put some energy back into me. I feel as though I have been give, give, giving to 1. MM 2. My H to compensate for the guilt I felt in having the A.

 

I am moving into an apartment in a couple of weeks and it will be the first time I have lived alone (with the kids of course) in my entire life. I have never been 'not' in a relationship... from the age of 13yrs!!!!

 

And that is scary ........ I don't even know what it's like to be me without someone else? and although that's a little frightening too ... I think it's why I am where I am in my life right now.

 

My H has not handled the separation well at all and is very unstable. One day yelling abuse at me in front of our children to 'get out' and 'stay out' and the next sending flowers. He's very frightened and insecure right now and I am doing my best to support him too. I know this is tough for him, it's not what he wanted.

 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I kind of think, maybe we will learn how to be friends again, and just respect each other as individuals and then over time we may fall in love again??? The odds are probably not good ... but I suppose it's always possible.

 

Right now though, I don't miss him. That's is sad. But it's true.

 

As far as dating sites go ....... Nope, don't think that's me, I was having a look at some last night. I think you're advice is good just carrying on with the things I like and enjoy ... and who knows ... it's a big sea!

 

AR

[wildsoul]

Well I'd like to thank you and Wildsoul then because it has really struck a chord ......

(((You're welcome)))

 

And thank YOU. I'm getting what I need from reading your thread and all the great replies here!

[fooled once]

And that is scary ........ I don't even know what it's like to be me without someone else? and although that's a little frightening too ... I think it's why I am where I am in my life right now.

 

My H has not handled the separation well at all and is very unstable. One day yelling abuse at me in front of our children to 'get out' and 'stay out' and the next sending flowers. He's very frightened and insecure right now and I am doing my best to support him too. I know this is tough for him, it's not what he wanted.

 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I kind of think, maybe we will learn how to be friends again, and just respect each other as individuals and then over time we may fall in love again??? The odds are probably not good ... but I suppose it's always possible.

 

It isn't your responsibility to help him (your H) handle the separation. That is HIS responsibility. Don't take it on. You have your own responsibilities of handling how YOU handle it and helping the kids through it (how old are the kids again)? Okay?

 

I don't want you to 'plan' on being buddies with him or something else. Right now, treat the divorce like business (easier said than done - I know - I divorced my son's father many many years ago). And when I was least looking for it, I found my husband (online - AOL personals <not even sure that is around anymore, this was back in 1997>).

 

Reconnect with old friends; enjoy your kids summer activities, if you have a hobby you like, but haven't had time for, do it. Go to the beach, the pool - you will find many single mom's there to meet.

 

Maybe being on your best for a while IS the best thing for you. Time to rediscover YOU -- not the wife, not the mistress, not the mom. YOU - AR.

 

You may just find you love life as a single mom (I know I did - I struggled like you wouldn't believe financially, but those years may have been the best for me).

 

I do wish you nothing but luck and I can't wait for your xMM to realize how he wasn't good enough for YOU!

[Aquarius Rising]

It isn't your responsibility to help him (your H) handle the separation. That is HIS responsibility. Don't take it on. You have your own responsibilities of handling how YOU handle it and helping the kids through it (how old are the kids again)? Okay?

 

I don't want you to 'plan' on being buddies with him or something else. Right now, treat the divorce like business (easier said than done - I know - I divorced my son's father many many years ago). And when I was least looking for it, I found my husband (online - AOL personals <not even sure that is around anymore, this was back in 1997>).

 

Reconnect with old friends; enjoy your kids summer activities, if you have a hobby you like, but haven't had time for, do it. Go to the beach, the pool - you will find many single mom's there to meet.

 

Maybe being on your best for a while IS the best thing for you. Time to rediscover YOU -- not the wife, not the mistress, not the mom. YOU - AR.

 

You may just find you love life as a single mom (I know I did - I struggled like you wouldn't believe financially, but those years may have been the best for me).

 

I do wish you nothing but luck and I can't wait for your xMM to realize how he wasn't good enough for YOU!

 

You crack me up FO

 

Like you, financially I'm in a pretty crappy position..... that's my biggest worry of course, but I'm applying for a 2nd position at my workplace which will take me to full-time employment so who knows, with my priorities shifting maybe I'll budget really well!

 

My kids are 13 (F) and 12 (M) .....it's tough for them both but especially my daughter because of her tender age ...... so many changes going on for her already ..... I do feel alot of guilt about that .... but there was never going to be a 'right' time .... it just happened naturally this way.

 

They will be sharing a bedroom in the apartment because it's what i could afford, but they are great mates because they are close in age and I'm going to make it really comfortable and user friendly for them. I can always give up my bed too and sleep on the sofa etc. It is such a BIG step to separate, re-locate, and get on one's feet, I have a big road ahead of me .... and I'm **** scared and excited all at once!

 

Encouraging stories like yours really help FO. Thanks again!

 

I'm not sure MM will ever contact me again! In some ways I think I gave him an easy OUT ... I told him 'there's nothing you can say' .... it's all been said ... and I suspect that's exactly what he'll do ... SAY and DO ... NOTHING!!!

 

AR

 

AR

[Aquarius Rising]

Oh, Love Shacker's, ......... I'm feeling really crappy .... co's MM hasn't even attempted any contact .....

 

Mind you, I did write in my final email a week ago that 'there was absolutely NOTHING he could say' ...... but I didn't actually expect him to take that literally!!!

 

YUKKK ........ I hate this part right here ........ knowing that he ISN'T EVER going to OFFER me a REAL relationship ............ and probably WON'T bother to contact me again ....... in the past he has ALWAYS waited for ME to do that ........and I have ALWAYS been reliable.

 

MUST not slip off the slope here and contact HIM.

 

MUST NOT ...... MUST NOT ........ MUST NOT .........

[Lyssa]

YUKKK ........ I hate this part right here ........ knowing that he ISN'T EVER going to OFFER me a REAL relationship going to ............ and probably WON'T bother to contact me again ....... in the past he has ALWAYS waited for ME to do that ........and I have ALWAYS been reliable.

 

Keep remembering that and you should be able to stay away from him!

 

MUST NOT CONTACT MM!!

 

You can do it, AR!