How do I handle this?

[clarke]

Hi

I really need some help, I have nobody to turn to.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years next week, Last week we had a row over money, I said some stupid things and really hurt her. It made me realise that I've taken her for granted most of our life together, but I fear it may be too late. She says she's thinking about leaving as she does'nt think I'll change, and she does'nt want another 20 years of my selfish behaviour. I've pleaded with her to give me another chance, and I know I'll change, but I dont think she believes me. She's sick of me raising the subject, feels pressurised and says she needs time alone. I'm terrified of losing her without a chance to make amends. How do I carry on, I am giving her space, but I'm worried sick. We've always been close & have 2 teenage kids but I really think I may lose her.

We are talking and friendly at the moment, but she wont let me touch her, its hard not to bring the subject up or ask her how things are but I'm managing so far, is this the right thing to do, where do I go from here?

Any advice gratefully appreciated,

thankyou

[Ronni_W]

STOP trying to talk to her about the problem -- that is NOT working and it is just sending her further away.

 

Schedule an appointment with an individual therapist and just get working with him or her. SHOW your wife that you are actually taking steps to start your changes. People think talking about changing is enough to convince and bring hope. It isn't.

 

Concurrently, ask your wife if she is interested in starting couples' counseling right away, or if she'd rather wait until you've gained some insight into your selfish behaviours and taking people for granted, in individual therapy.

 

Best of luck.

[clarke]

Thankyou for the reply, I will take your advice & look into counselling, I'm finding it hard to calm down, I'm just terrified of losing her.

[Ronni_W]

I'm just terrified of losing her.

Yep, I get that. But this is one of the worst times in your life to just give in to your fear and act useless...no matter how overwhelming it may feel, you have to get a grip.

 

You totally have to step up to the plate...YOU...your conscious mind. You need to muster your strength and courage, and focus on those instead of 'fear'. And if you can't actually connect with your strengths, then fake them. Do WHATEVER you have to do, to not let your fear be in charge!

 

Also get out of the house. Do some physical activity -- gym, jog, garden, walk in the park. And/or your hobbies. Do things that will help you feel strong and confident, take you out of your head for a while, help you feel more in control of yourself, and not just stuck in fear.

[clarke]

thankyou,

you're right, it feels much better that someone knows what I'm going through.

[Ronni_W]

Clarke,

You are not alone.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that (at least) 90% of the people here know what you're going through, to one degree or another. Whether we're terrified of loss due to the breakdown of a significant relationship, death, relocation, or some other life event -- we've all been there.

 

Wishing you positive outcomes, good luck in therapy, and

Sending hugs.

[CaliGuy]

I'd schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor.

 

And FWIW, I would seriously LISTEN to the Counselor and heed their advice.

 

Make sure your wife goes with you...

[Ronni_W]

IMO, it's not a good idea to start coming across as trying to "control" and "force her" to participate in counseling or anything else AT THIS POINT.

Rather allow her to choose, ask her questions, give her options -- that is very much part of "giving space" to others.

 

Her CURRENT concern is that there won't be the changes that she has been asking for. IME, more effective and efficient to address that concern first, by taking action to start to make those changes happen -- she is not needed, for that part of things.

 

For the marriage to become mutually supportive and rewarding, yes, both parties do eventually need to make their own efforts and do whatever counseling might be necessary. There is time enough for that.

[CaliGuy]

IMO, it's not a good idea to start coming across as trying to "control" and "force her" to participate in counseling or anything else AT THIS POINT.

Rather allow her to choose, ask her questions, give her options -- that is very much part of "giving space" to others.

 

It's not meant to try and control her, but show her that he really means to change and that he's willing to get help. Even if she won't go, HE should go.

 

Having a Professional Cousnelor review their issues will go a long way towards reparing the damage.

 

Her CURRENT concern is that there won't be the changes that she has been asking for. IME, more effective and efficient to address that concern first, by taking action to start to make those changes happen -- she is not needed, for that part of things.

 

For the marriage to become mutually supportive and rewarding, yes, both parties do eventually need to make their own efforts and do whatever counseling might be necessary. There is time enough for that.

 

Maybe...maybe not. I think they need a Counselor so she can make her issues known and the Counselor can give HIM the information necessary for him to start making earnest changes.

[Leveller]

Clarke,

You are not alone.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that (at least) 90% of the people here know what you're going through, to one degree or another. Whether we're terrified of loss due to the breakdown of a significant relationship, death, relocation, or some other life event -- we've all been there.

 

Wishing you positive outcomes, good luck in therapy, and

Sending hugs.

 

I can't add much at this point but I will echo RonniW...You are NOT alone.

[clarke]

Thankyou for your comments,

I have to be patient, but its hard not to analyse everything she says or does looking for signs.

Sometimes I feel that shes just torturing me for a while before she pulls the trigger, no more than I deserve I suppose.

Mornings are worse, I have to find more strength.

[foreverme]

From a woman's point of view, one who's husband has also taken me for granted: It took your rock bottom to realize that she was at the end of her rope with you and that she means more to you than you have shown. She probably feels angry, sad, and frustrated with you and the situation. It is going to take a very positive attitude from you, consistency of great behavior such as notes letting her know you care, help around the house, support of your children, and the key is to not let this fizzle out. It will take some time but your efforts will not go unnoticed or unappreciated by her. With the consistency of change over time she will see that you care. And, you will know that you did everything in your power to save your relationship. Another really important factor is marriage counseling. Don't just ask if she wants to go, show her options of where you have found to go, and let her know you will set everything up and take care of it all - it is important that she doesn't feel that this is another burden or responsibility. Do everything you can and more! If you feel there is something left to save there probably is, now you have to fight for it.

[clarke]

Its getting a little easier to cope, I'm eating more. I can think about the prospect of being alone without having a panic attack. I'm trying hard, doing work around the house. I dont mention the problems and dont pester her, we seem to be getting on OK. I'm afraid of suggesting a counsellor to her, I just dont want to rake it all up again. I suppose its a waiting game. The positives are that she has'nt left yet, and we're talking to each other, the kids still have no idea there is a problem. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, planning what I'd spend my time doing etc. while still praying that it can be sorted out.

Sorry for going on, it just fels good to let it out. I have nobody else, I lost both parents last year & have no real friends outside work.

Wish I knew what was in her head!

[Ronni_W]

Clarke,

My sympathies on the loss of your parents. How did that affect you emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually? Did you take advantage of grief counseling? Is that something you ought to consider currently?

 

I suppose its a waiting game.

You can keep supposing that...at your own peril. If you choose to continue staying passive, you are putting your marriage at even greater risk than it already is.

 

Trust your instinct to not talk couples' counseling with her AT THIS POINT. Start doing something tangible and constructive on your own. Take the initiative to get things back on track. You don't need her for YOU to become actively involved in repairing your marriage.

Check the marriagebuilders.com website -- read the articles, fill out the questionnaires, visit their bookstore. Consider 'His Needs; Her Needs' and 'Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders'.

Or get yourself to your local library or bookstore, and find out what's available to you.

 

EDUCATE yourself, UPGRADE your relationship skills, ACQUIRE more emotional intelligence and self-awareness. All of this can be much easier with the help of an individual therapist.

 

Only play the waiting game if you really don't care that your marriage is dying. I can't stress that enough. DO SOMETHING, anything, one thing.

[clarke]

I'm a little confused, I'm giving her space, which is what she wanted. If I bring the subject up I fear it may frighten her away again, I'm sure that if I suggest a counsellor she will be against it. I've bought her flowers, I've told her where I stand and that I'm sorry, I'm working hard. She's still very distant. I really dont know, I will check out the information you suggest. I'm just afraid of approaching her about it in case it all goes wrong again.

[Ronni_W]

Sorry to have confused.

Do NOT suggest a counselor to her right now. Go for counseling on your own...without her.

Buying flowers and saying you're sorry is NOT "working hard". It is the easiest thing to do. And. Flowers and apologies become meaningless when over-used. (If you're doing more than that, good for you! I must have missed where you posted about it.)

[clarke]

I just spoke to her, she has lost all trust in me, she says she has changed and she does'nt know if life with me is right for her anymore. She is hurt and thinks that being on her own is the only way to make things better. I told her that I have changed, and will prove it, and will earn her trust again, but I need a chance to do it.

I dont think I am going to get that chance.

I'm lost.

I mentioned getting professional help but she wont hear of it.

Its our 20th anniversary on wednesday.

I need to face up to losing her, I cant make amends without her giving me the chance.

Thankyou for the kind words

[Ronni_W]

Clarke,

I'm sorry that it turned out this way.

I would suggest that you ran out of chances more than you didn't get any chances...you didn't use the ones you got to your own advantage.

 

Are you planning to ask if she wants to go for an anniversary dinner with you? If she agrees, maybe call ahead and arrange a special dessert or cake or something?

If she's not interested then, yes, she is pretty much done and there's not any more you can do about it.

 

Wishing you Comfort and Guidance.

[clarke]

Thankyou,

I suppose the hardest thing is that I have nobody, I have devoted my life to my family, I have no friends & my parents are gone. When I read all the advice on coping it all says turn to family & friends, I dont have that option. I'm still confused by her actions, I would have thought the easiest thing for her to do would be to tell me to move out, but she says she wants to go, and leave me with the kids. This is strange behavoiur as she is devoted to the kids. She says she has nowhere to go, but her parents are away in 2 weeks and she intends to move in there while they are away. She says she needs to sort her head out.

I'm still trying, doing housework & sorting the kids out, as well as working long hours, I think its important to still try and be a better person even if I've lost her.

It helps to pour stuff out on here, for now its all I can do, I think a therapist may help, but I already know what I've done wrong, its just too late to sort it.

[Ronni_W]

Yes, it is tough...especially when there is no strong personal support network. Have you considered joining a support group in your area?

 

A therapist/counselor is NOT there to point out what you did wrong in the past -- he or she is there to help you find ways to IMPROVE your life, in the present and for the future. It's about learning BETTER self-management and coping tools & skills than you currently have.

 

I'd strongly encourage you to at least give it a try, if at all possible. Usually it takes a couple of sessions for you to develop a 'working' relationship, so if you can make a commitment to at least four sessions, that likely will help you to get the most out of it.

 

Sending hugs and healing.

[CaliGuy]

Sorry to have confused.

Do NOT suggest a counselor to her right now. Go for counseling on your own...without her.

Buying flowers and saying you're sorry is NOT "working hard". It is the easiest thing to do. And. Flowers and apologies become meaningless when over-used. (If you're doing more than that, good for you! I must have missed where you posted about it.)

 

 

Ronnie, suggesting both go to Counseling was so that the Counselor can hear 'both' sides of the story. Without getting both sides it would be difficult for the Counselor to help them work towards a resolution together. I agree that even if she won't go, he should go. And you're right, he won't be chastised but indeed learn what went wrong and where to make changes.

 

And OP, as for family and friends, statistics say we cycle friends every 7 years (it's a fact in my life!). There's no better time to make new friends in your life than right now.

[Ronni_W]

Cali,

Yes, indeed and of course, relationship issues cannot be improved or resolved by man (or woman) alone.

But getting a pissed-off, fed-up, frustrated, out-of-patience partner to see the benefits of counseling is like...well, trying to get a pissed-off horse to drink the freakin' water, no matter how much we know that the horse would benefit.

 

I have been the pissed-off, fed-up, frustrated, out-of-patience partner. And I have had terrific success in couples' counseling. But not with the same guy. To me, Clarke's wife is/was mirroring when I was the partner who just had run out of everything that effective counseling would have required of me. I know countless now-divorced individuals who had the same experience -- there is just NO POINT dragging/forcing/begging such a mindset into the counseling process.

[clarke]

Just to update,

things seem a little better, we went out for the anniversary last night with the kids, we had a good time, she is talking to me more, and yesterday she sent me a text message with just a kiss on it when I was at work. Its not much but i'm taking these things as positives. She is also talking about our holiday which is in a months time. I feel better than I did before about my chances, still a long way to go though, I'm concentrating on being a better person. Thanks for all your advice.

[clarke]

I just dont know what I should do.

We're getting on Ok, she didn't leave to her parents house while they were away like she said she was, but she still wont touch me. I dont bring the subject up, but I'm desperate to know how shes feeling. I said a few weeks ago that if she wanted me to move out that I would, but she has'nt told me to yet. Why hasn't she ended it yet if thats what she wants? could it be just practical / financial reasons, or could there be some hope for me? I really dont know. How much time should I give it, its torture, but worth it if there is some hope. I cant bear the thought of being alone without her, but if its inevitable I need putting out of my misery. Any thoughts?

[Ronni_W]

clarke,

What concrete steps are you taking, about improving your marriage and demonstrating any fresh awareness and development on your part?

Not household chores like cooking and cleaning; not parental responsibilities like feeding and bathing the kids. Things that are known to nurture warm and loving thoughts and feelings.

 

What are you doing to improve the verbal exchanges and non-physical interactions between the two of you? Have you asked her about her unmet emotional needs, have you talked about yours? Have you checked marriagebuilders.com to learn about emotional needs? Are you seeing a counselor?

 

Following link is to an article, "The 7 Qualities of Loving Relationships" -- it's about you doing what's necessary to foster feelings of love, respect, understanding, caring, kindness, etc. http://www.umsonline.org/Reading/PastIssues/2005/Spring05/Articles/QualitiesOfLovingPartnerships.htm

 

If you are afraid to take action, then you have to look more closely at those fears. If you take action, what are you afraid is the worst thing that will happen? And if you take NO action, what do you think will happen?

 

It's not easy, not knowing what, or how, or when. But allowing the not knowing to immobilize you; allowing your fears to stop you from doing anything at all... Do your best to get a handle on your fears, is my strong suggestion.