Author clarke Posted June 25, 2009 Author Share Posted June 25, 2009 Thankyou for the reply, I have read your link, I dont really understand how to put these things into practice when she wont talk about the issue, she wont open up, or be intimate with me. I get conflicting advice from my research, some say I should keep trying to talk about the problem, others say I should let it be and give her time. She refuses to go to a counsellor with me, and if she is unwilling to try and resolve the problem I cant see how counselling for me only would help. We are spending a lot of time apart, she is with her friend a lot & goes to the gym/spa, and I work long hours, this seems to be helping her mood. I dont want to look like I'm trying to force things. There doesnt seem much I can do without her participation. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 Thankyou for the reply, I have read your link, I dont really understand how to put these things into practice when she wont talk about the issue, she wont open up, or be intimate with me. I get conflicting advice from my research, some say I should keep trying to talk about the problem, others say I should let it be and give her time. She refuses to go to a counsellor with me, and if she is unwilling to try and resolve the problem I cant see how counselling for me only would help. We are spending a lot of time apart, she is with her friend a lot & goes to the gym/spa, and I work long hours, this seems to be helping her mood. I dont want to look like I'm trying to force things. There doesnt seem much I can do without her participation. If she won't talk... If she won't open up... If she won't be intimate with you... If she won't go to a counselor... If she is unwilling to resolve the problems... Then she is pulling away from you and just hasn't had "the talk" yet. You mention you are spending a lot of time apart and it's "helping her mood" then these are all red flags. If I were in your position I would be the one to break things off. Walk away with your dignity in hand. Nothing she is doing even hints that she wants to work on the relationship at all. I hate to be a doomsayer, but from the outside looking in, that's how it appears to me. The question I have for you is "What is your breaking point?!" At what point are you going to say "I've had enough of this? I am wasting my emotional energy on someone who isn't meeting my needs..." I've been in your shoes before and I only wish I had the strength at the time to be the one to end things. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 25, 2009 Share Posted June 25, 2009 clarke, Do you think it's time for you to draw some conclusions about your marriage? Do you have any sense at all that your wife wishes to remain your partner through life...to be your lover, supporter, confidante, friend? The person who wants to pick you up when you're down, and who smiles at you for no reason at all? What is your very best guess as to where your wife is, and where she appears to be headed? Whatever you decide to do and say to her next...at this point, it is not about "forcing things", it is about you taking a stand and speaking out for the survival of your marriage. It's also about you expressing your own feelings and needs, establishing some healthy and appropriate emotional boundaries for yourself. You cannot be expected to indefinitely live in 'limbo land', torturing yourself. I know it sucks. You both contributed to equally to the situation as it is now. Whatever you feel is necessary to say and do now, your wife has contributed to making that one of your last options. You are ALSO hurting and confused. You have the self-responsibility to ask her to consider YOUR feelings in all of this. You've given her space. And now it's time for her to give you answers. And then you make new choices and decisions based on what you hear. I know it sucks. Sending hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author clarke Posted July 29, 2009 Author Share Posted July 29, 2009 hello again, I havent been here for some time, and I'd just like to update the kind people who talked to me. I was a wreck when I first posted, I suppose I just wanted someone to say things were going to be ok with my marriage. But after a while, I started thinking about me, and gradually started looking forward to what a life on my own might bring. I rang the Samaritans at my lowest point, and they were fantastic, and I think things started improving from then. My wife still hasnt left, but I've told her I'm going to move out when I can find somewhere. I think she was shocked, and shes talking about me having patience & giving the marriage a chance. The funny thing is I dont think I want her, and I certainly dont want to be hurt like this again, so the tables have turned somewhat. People on here told me that things would get better, but I didn't believe it. I have a long way to go and it still hurts, but I can see a way forward, and hopefully light at the end of the tunnel. Hope this gives something to think about for other people here in my situation. Thanks again to the amazing posters on here, will keep you updated. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 Hey Clarke. Thanks for the update. Good for you for getting in touch with The Samaritans! I would encourage you to continue with some form of personal therapy/support whether or not you stay married -- as you've discovered for yourself, it does have value and benefits. Your fear of being hurt again is valid, of course. And it's up to you to decide if you want to end your marriage because of your fear, or because there is not enough mutual love, forgiveness, compassion, respect, support, forgiveness, understanding and admiration to uphold the relationship between you and your wife. If your wife is more open to couples' counseling at this point, it may still be worthwhile to explore that before you make your final decision. In any case, sending hugs and best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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