Wife says our marriage is TOXIC

[NO LIMITS]

Seeing how I am new at this site I am not sure if I am supposed to continue on my previous post or create a new one like this. So for those that know my story so far here is some more information. My wife still wants to leave, says she is not in love with me anymore. We have several arguements over many different things and my wife says that a real marriage people do not argue, I tell her that all couples argue. I told her last night that I still believe in us and that I want us to stay together and she told me that I am rediculous and that we have a TOXIC marriage. We played baseball last night (we play on the same team) and it was a lot of fun, we even went out for drinks with the team afterwards. It reminded me of the good times that we are very capable of having. On the drive to the game we discussed our situation and I mentioned to her that I want to buy her share of the house so I can keep it for the childrens stability, this is very important to me and I want as little change for them as possible, she has indicated to me that perhaps she wants to keep the house now and before she wanted to move out sell the house and get her own place. I do not want to pay a fortune going through a lawyer and she says the same thing, however she keeps resisting me on every thing I come up with. We both agree that it is a 50/50 split on everything and I do not see why if I pay her for her half of the home value what the problem is, she originally said she did not want to keep it and now after I tell her this she says she does and in the same breath tells me that she cannot afford to keep our house.

 

As for the TOXIC part, I am not going into too many details however I will give some history, I was unfaithful to my wife several times a few years back, we worked through it with 3 counsilling sessions and she eventually told me that she forgave me. I am truly sorry that I hurt her and I ruined her image of never having that happen to her. Of course this changed our relationship however we both said if we get through it we would be even stonger than before. Since then I have caught her having several online imapropriate emails and chats back and for with several men, I asked her several times if there is anything I should know and she would deny deny deny, so eventually I put a keylogger on our computer and this is how I found out. I felt very guilty for doing it and I did not want to go behind her back but I new something was not right. Eventually she found out I had one and I admitted to it telling her why I did it and she said it was an ivasion of her privacy and I had no right. I agree with that in principle however I had to find out, if she is having emotional affairs with other men, how can she commit to us. Well there is one guy we play ball with and they both flirt with each other openly and I honestly never did mind it because It was in front of me and it is human to flirt..we all do it however we got home late Saturday night and se went straight to her laptop and I was suspicous and spyed on her, sure enough she was sending an email to this guy telling him how much she wished he was there that night and how she thought of him all the time all thorugh the night. She ended the email with "Love Me" I was devastated that she was doing this again, and I videotaped her email from afar with a zoom, again I am invading her privacy but I needed to see what she was doing because I new something was not right. This I am sure is why she says that we are TOXIC and must end this marriage. I tell her that if she could just give me her all then this can work and she says she has and in the same breath admits to me that her foot is always half way out the door. How can you give it your all if your always halfway out the door???

[mark982]

well this guy on your ball team isn't your friend that's for sure.what i'd do is next ball gams say in front of EVERYONE "why are you and my wife sending loving e-mails to each other" and show the proof,if you pizz them off oh well.going to have to make her life diffucult,quit tring to be the loving husband,time to man-up and make it hard.

[hopesndreams]

Well there is one guy we play ball with and they both flirt with each other openly and I honestly never did mind it because It was in front of me and it is human to flirt..we all do it

 

No, we don't all do it. Flirting is wonderful for those who are single. When married or in a committed relationship...why would there be a need to flirt with someone other than who you are with? Big red flag something is terribly wrong in the relationship. Flirting all in good fun? Perhaps for some it is but I just see it as disrespectful and unhealthy.

 

You should get a lawyer and quick. She's leaving you eventually, maybe tomorrow, maybe next month...but she is leaving you. Stop talking to her about saving the marriage, it only makes her more determined to leave you. Can you get her back? Give her lots and lots of space and see what happens. She could then realize what she could be losing or just go anyway. But, without giving her the space, she will leave. Period.

[coconuts]

I think your wife fell out of love with you after your affairs. Maybe she thought her feelings would change and wanted to work through it, but she realized she couldn't really forgive you for what you did. It doesn't really excuse her behavior but definitely explains it. If you weren't faithful to her in the past why do you expect anything else from her? You just need to let her go and learn from your mistakes so that you don't repeat them in the future.

[carhill]

I would agree with the opinion that your M is unhealthy (toxic was the word used); look, you cheated on your W 'several times' and she flirts with other men. Three sessions of MC doesn't 'fix' anything. IME, and I've done it, three sessions is an introduction and establishment of the parameters of therapy. We began to make psychological progress at eight months and achieved clarity at the year mark. This is in a M with nowhere near the infidelity and disrespect which has been shared in the OP. Fundamental change takes time, regardless of the outcome.

 

Engage a competent divorce mediator and reduce your discussions to writing. You can save on lawyer's fees if you do as much of the work as possible by yourselves. Be clear and consistent.