amaysngrace Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 My BF is an alcoholic. In January he said he was sober for two weeks straight. I was very proud of him for going to AA and for not drinking. He lied to me though. He was drinking and just never told me. He said he would wait until just around bedtime and slam two beers down and then go to bed. Now he says he's sober again. I kind of believe but kind of don't. He tells me now about how he lied then but this time it's been twelve days and this time is for real. I want to believe him but I'm having a hard time with it. Do I act like I believe him? Express it that I think maybe he's lying or what? I don't want to piss on his parade if he did indeed quit. I don't want to seem like I don't believe him. But in a way I don't believe him so acting all happy and proud of him isn't being true to me. The only difference this time with the other times he supposedly quit drinking is he told his parents he's an alcoholic. His dad battled the disease and had to do detox just to get sober. His dad got DTs from drinking. But he only did rehab for maybe two or three days and once he sobered up he stayed dry five or six years later to this day. He has his dad's support this time. So maybe it's for real? Still I don't know if he's lying because I'm not there right before bedtime so I have no way to know. Do I express my concerns or what? Or just keep buying into what could be a lie? How am I suppose to know? This has taken a hit to my trust of him. I know it probably shouldn't because I understand he was embarrassed of himself but still he lied to me. I'm having a hard time with that. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Why are you so hard on him? He's a young man, let him drink. Christ, you're cool and funny and all, but I don't see why he stays with all this nagging Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 I'm not hard on him. But the lying sucks. This was his decision. I had nothing to do with it. He feels lousy a lot lately and he's starting to worry about his health so he stopped. Supposedly. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Please forgive the comment, but Alcoholism is not a disease. It's a choice. So whilst I can understand your dilemma - I'd be furious. Letting alcohol pass his lips when he was supposed to be on the wagon, is something he decided to do.... This breaches your trust. I know this was a huge bone of contention between you both, some time ago (I looked at your past threads) so I know how hard this must be for you. If it's a minor lapse, that's one thing. But if he is not going to make the effort..... I don't know what I could add, other than for me, it would be a deal-breaker..... I really wish you all the best in the world. But I don't envy your position.... Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 So what is he supposed to do? Study the Bhagadalialamavita or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 I don't envy your position. Me either. He lied back when and I didn't find out until now so if I bring it up it's like I'm rehashing the past but if I say nothing then it becomes acceptable. I think I'm just going to tell him if he drinks please be honest this time and don't let me think something is true that isn't. Jesus what is he twelve? I really have to tell him not to lie? This just makes me so mad. It's like he's sneaky and it damaged my trust. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 I'm drinking right now and you're a real downer Grace Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 at least you are honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 It's absolutely a disease. Please look up the definition Tara. Does choice enter into the treatment? Absolutely. But it's still a disease. Burnee you know you're an alkie. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 at least you are honest. if hes a real drunk hes a depressive at heart if hes a real drunk hes unhappy if hes a real drunk he feels the need to get numb maybe you can resolve these issues with him or maybe theyre beyond your control but you need to be honest about why he needs to get numb it really is that simple Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 if hes a real drunk hes a depressive at heart if hes a real drunk hes unhappy if hes a real drunk he feels the need to get numb maybe you can resolve these issues with him or maybe theyre beyond your control but you need to be honest about why he needs to get numb it really is that simple Based on my own experience (and certainly not any formal training), I'd have to say that this is rock-solid truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 if hes a real drunk hes a depressive at heart if hes a real drunk hes unhappy if hes a real drunk he feels the need to get numb maybe you can resolve these issues with him or maybe theyre beyond your control but you need to be honest about why he needs to get numb it really is that simple Couldn't disagree more. Sometimes it's a matter of a physical/psychological addiction with no underlying unhappiness or depression. I believe low seratonin (sp?) levels are often to blame. Oh and Amay, I'd be honest with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 Well he's working on that too. The real reason he drinks. But he may need medicine and the medicine they give him will make him not want to drink. So he wants to stop drinking before he goes on the medicine this way if he stops the medicine he already has control of this and he won't use his 'illness' as a reason to go back to drinking. He wants to not drink to cure his illness anymore. If that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Couldn't disagree more. Sometimes it's a matter of a physical/psychological addiction with no underlying unhappiness or depression. I believe low seratonin (sp?) levels are often to blame. Oh and Amay, I'd be honest with him. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt Im not trying to be cute, but come on, you know better Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Well he's working on that too. The real reason he drinks. But he may need medicine and the medicine they give him will make him not want to drink. So he wants to stop drinking before he goes on the medicine this way if he stops the medicine he already has control of this and he won't use his 'illness' as a reason to go back to drinking. He wants to not drink to cure his illness anymore. If that makes sense. that logic is messed up. It is like saying I want to quiting smoking before I use the patch. The drugs allow you to get rid of the physical part of the addiction while working on the pyscological part of the addicition. Plus the rate of prelaspe are very high among addicts often they have trouble adjusting to life after rehab. basically the drugs/alcohol has been a coping method they have used for years and they have to learn how to cope in other ways. Lying is a huge part of addiction too. he lies to you his family counselors himself. I am sorry it is tough to go through. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Couldn't disagree more. Sometimes it's a matter of a physical/psychological addiction with no underlying unhappiness or depression. I believe low seratonin (sp?) levels are often to blame. Oh and Amay, I'd be honest with him. I disagree all the addicts I know have problems and no coping skills at all. I have never seen an addict who is happy and well adjusted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted June 11, 2009 Author Share Posted June 11, 2009 I disagree all the addicts I know have problems and no coping skills at all. I have never seen an addict who is happy and well adjusted. This is my BF. He uses drinking to handle life. It's weak IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Denial isn't just a river in Egypt Im not trying to be cute, but come on, you know better I disagree all the addicts I know have problems and no coping skills at all. I have never seen an addict who is happy and well adjusted. I don't agree. I mean by definition an addict may not be very well-adjusted but then many people who AREN'T addicts aren't very well-adjusted either. As for being happy...that's subjective I guess. As someone with an addictive personality who is addicted to alcohol and nicotine, I can tell you that I'm a very happy person. I wasn't always though. So I do know the difference. But that's ME. Everyone's different I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Please forgive the comment, but Alcoholism is not a disease. It's a choice. So whilst I can understand your dilemma - I'd be furious. Letting alcohol pass his lips when he was supposed to be on the wagon, is something he decided to do.... This breaches your trust. I know this was a huge bone of contention between you both, some time ago (I looked at your past threads) so I know how hard this must be for you. If it's a minor lapse, that's one thing. But if he is not going to make the effort..... I don't know what I could add, other than for me, it would be a deal-breaker..... I really wish you all the best in the world. But I don't envy your position.... Dont' quite believe that that 'psychologist's book is the canon on whether it is a disease or not. One person's research with no other professional opinon to back it can hardly be the ultimate counter to 40 odd years of research on addiction being a disorder. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 Amaysn, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. It's a lifelong fight. Can you accept that? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 he seems to be tring. alot of people it takes awhile for it to sink in and work.christ i couldn't tell you how many x's i said i was quitting,till it stuck. keep standing in his corner for him,be his so called cheerleader. if he's serious about it, he will eventually get it right.it is a lifelong fight. is he doing meetings? remember 90 in 90. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 So what is he supposed to do? Study the Bhagadalialamavita or something? I think you mean the Bhagavad-Gita. Which is a Hindu Text... Your spelling and lack of research shows your ignorance. As does your general mockery. Why do you feel it was necessary? Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 Amaysn, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. It's a lifelong fight. Can you accept that? Yes I can. He has far too many good qualities about him for me not to accept it. He has always been a good man in my eyes but by him doing this he becomes a great man. Although I always suspected he had it in him. As it is he is on Day 14! Last night he went to AA again and said yesterday was the best he's felt so far. He looks amazing too. His face looks fuller and even his body is filling out a little. His eyes look clear and his skin has a glow I've never seen before. I told him about how I was upset that he lied to me and just like I thought he said he was "embarrassed" and he also brought up the fact that it was in the past. The same exact things I thought about it too. Regardless I asked him not to lie to me anymore if he falls back. He is strong-willed right now and assured me "He won't fall back. It's over." But like you said it's a life-long thing. Mostly he knows this too. But yeah...I'm here for him. Oh and btw B4R I asked him if I nag him and he said no and said he did this for him. So there. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Does he have a sponsor? If not, he should consider one since he's not being very realistic. I wouldn't encourage this type of thinking, in that it's "a thing of the past". He should be looking at it as what it is, a lifelong battle, one day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 Does he have a sponsor? If not, he should consider one since he's not being very realistic. I wouldn't encourage this type of thinking, in that it's "a thing of the past". He should be looking at it as what it is, a lifelong battle, one day at a time. No the lying is in the past. Back in January he was telling me he stopped drinking but was really lying the whole time. This battle is very current. He told me if he started to drink I'd be the first to know because he'd feel so bad about himself for it he'll need to talk to me. About a sponsor....he has an older guy at AA that he really likes and clicks well with. He has his number along with another guy there too. But I think his dad is his very best sponsor. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts