Wife thinks she might be gay?

[As Am I]

Hey all! I've been lurking around LS for a couple weeks now, reading other people stories, trying to make sense of what is happening in my life right now.

 

My wife and I started dating in high school. We broke up for a couple years then she decided she wanted to come back to me. (I was the only guy that treated her decent). We got married a couple years later down the road.

 

5 years later and both of us finishing up college, her an RN, and me a Graphic Designer, decided that we wanted to try and have a child. We now have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and I couldnt be more proud of her. In the past year we decided it was time to "settle down" and buy a house, which we did. Everything seemed to be going great for us, a healthy family, both of us working, a new house....but something just wasn't right.

 

During our relationship it seemed that my wife never really "wanted" me sexually. The first year or two were great but then she just seemed to start holding back. She would tell me she wasnt in the mood, or she was stressed. Now I definitly can take some of the blame here. I wouldn't do a whole lot to turn her on emotionally (not a real romatic guy, but I do try) I just expected her to have the same feelings I had towards her. At one point we would only have sex maybe once or twice a month.

She still said she wasnt in the mood but would do it for me, to make me happy. I thought with time that this would change, that I could change for her so she would want me, so I just continued living with it.

 

Another issue we've had is me trusting her when she goes out late & drinks with her friends, she gets very very flirty. Before we got married (two weeks before actually) she went out late to a club w/friends and ended up making out with another guy she had been dancing with. She was drunk, and she has had some issues with binge drinking, but she told me what happened and I did forgive her. The problem I had was that when she would go out, maybe once or twice a month, I would go outta my mind, thinking that she would end up cheating on me. It got to the point where she ended up resenting me for this and that she shouldnt feel guilty for wanting to go out and have fun.

 

Well it happened again, this time at our 10 year hs reunion. I ended up going home a little early and she said she wanted to stay longer to dance and have a good time, which was fine and I let my guard down. COme to find out the she ended up getting plastered & making out with a woman co-worker later that nite. I wasn't sure how to feel after she told me. Our little girl was around 6 months old, and I didnt want to call it quits.

 

Me & my wife befriended a gay woman a few years back, we would hang out alot, drink, go out, we had a good time. She not someone I thought my wife would be physically attracted to, they started to become good friends. She confessed her love to my wife 2 years ago (which I just found out) and they decided they should quit talking to each other, I thought they were just fighting. They reconnected a couple months later, she was heading to college 7 hours away. She said she was over the "love" thing for my wife and wanted to stay friends since she didn't have alot of support from others. My wife was fine with this and would talk to her on the cell every once in awhile, but now its just gotten out of hand. It got to the point where my wife would be talking to her 2-3 hours a night sometimes more. I told her I was concerened because she was giving her more attention then me, she siad they we're "best friends" and thats shes never had one before and that I should quit complaining & making a big deal about it. She said she could tell her anything and I said thats what Im here for, im your husband.

 

Last month she ended up going down to visit this friend for a weekend at college and was going to drive her back for the summer, but when she got back something was different. A few nights later I tryed getting close to her in bed and she just distanced herself. I askd her, do you not want me anymore and she said she didnt know and she just wanted some space. I told her fine and that I was going to go over to my moms to stay the night, and that I would give her the space. 2 days later I come over to talk to her about whats was going on on and she hit me with it "I think I might be gay". She said she hasnt always felt like this, just the past couple months and thats she been having dreams of having sex with women. She said she just wants some space and freedom to find the answers & to see if she misses me.

 

I've been staying at my moms for two weeks now. NC is difficult because of our daughter. She does text me when I have her for the night at my moms but it only has to do with our daughter and not us. When I text her and bring up what were going to do with the bills or the house, she just ignores it. Has anyone else been through something like this? How much time do I give her? I dont know what to do. I want my family back. I feel like I've failed...

[Cinnamon777]

Wow... what a tough spot to be in! I'm so sorry. You sound like you really care about your wife, but it seems as though she is not giving you as much consideration. It's great that you are giving her some space, but I think that she is just looking for a way out at this point... IMO anyways.

 

It would be good for you to go to counseling with her and maybe together you can sort this all out. If she doesn't want to work on the marriage, then I would focus on your daughter and yourself. She is pretty young so she'll adapt to whatever happens, as long as she feels safe and loved.

 

If your wife decides that she is indeed gay, then really the only thing you can do is accept that and try to move on. You can build a friendship with her in order to raise your daughter together. Hopefully you will both be able to share her and care for her.

 

Also... you have NOT failed. Life is full of lessons, some easier than others. Think of all the good that has come into your life from this marriage, especially your beautiful little girl. Maybe you could have done some things differently... woulda, shoulda, coulda... hindsight is always 20/20. Your wife plays an equal role in this marriage and she needs to accept responsibility for her actions.

 

Giving your wife a couple weeks of space is enough. It's time to sit down and see where her head is at with things. Talk to her peacefully, and offer her compassion - even if it's the hardest thing you have ever done. It will make moving forward and settling things so much easier - if you stay together or if you decide to separate.

 

Coming to terms with her sexuality maybe scary and exciting for her. You clearly care very much for her and I would think that ultimately you want her to be happy. You deserve to be happy too. Being with a woman that can not love you equally to the love you extend may leave you feeling empty. At least you have a reason - some people never get more than "I'm just not in love with you anymore" which is a real kick in the a**. While it may not be the easiest thing for you to accept, you do have a choice in how you handle things.

 

Keep posting here... there are lots of great people willing to help you along. Keep your chin up and know that you will make it through this and maybe even be a happier person for it all.

 

Best of luck!!

[Gunny376]

Get a copy of a book titled "Brain Sex" and you will understand.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If I was you , I'd just move back in, get my stuff ready and file for divorce, from what your wrote the marriage seemed hella' lopsided, she has not met any of your needs in a long time. First time she made out with dudes drunk? now women and now she might be gay? WTF?

 

How much is a man supposed to tolerate and now she's ignoring you???

 

Dude she should leave and you go for custody and matter of fact a hard 180 is needed, get that house ready for sale and get your money, get a lawyer on your side if even for consultation. You need to know your rights in your state. Lucky you only have one child, doesnt sound like wife material to me.

 

Sorry this is happening to you, but you cant be dazed and confused , you need to strike when the iron is hot.

[As Am I]

Thank you all for the responses, esp Cin, much appreciated!

 

I talked to her last night and asked if this is something she wanted to keep going (the seperation) and she said "yea". I asked her if she saw this heading towards divorce and she said she hasnt thought about it that far, WTF?! She just tells me she wants some "freedom" and that she feels like she's been caged & depressed for awhile. I do think she is depressed. She went on Zoloft a 4 years ago but has been off it for awhile. I also know that she was sexually abused when she was 11 by her brother and one of his friends, not sure if this has anything to do with not being attracted to me anymore or not...She did go see a therapist the other week to talk with him about it but she said it didnt really help, but she made an appointment with another woman therapist & is planning to see her.

 

She said she didnt know that she WAS gay, but just didnt have any answers right now and that shes sorry for putting me thru this, that I dont deserve it...DAMN STRAIGHT I dont!

 

She has texted me "Getting Some?" a couple times in the past 2 weeks...I told her "No, I took vows, I wouldnt do that to her or our daughter." She comes back with " I would hope not!"..I think she almost wants me to cheat on her, I dunno....this sucks!

 

How does one know that they're gay??? I would guess that you'd have this feeling most of your life but she said shes just now feeling this...

 

Gunny, I'll check that book out asap, thanks for the recommendation.

[mark982]

if texts isn't about your daughter don't even reply.sorta like talking to a cop,anything you say can and will be used against you. also move back in,you didn't do anything wrong! she wants some freedom to figure things out,have at it.but she has to go.also protect yourself $$ wise.credit card, checking acct.etc.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Sounds to me like she's expecting you to be her back up plan when she gets tired of playing the field?!?

 

Whenever a woman means freedom it means to open one's legs without being ostracized for it. Come on, what else is she going to do, she's playing games with you.

 

She would want you to cheat because it would make her feel better about what she's doing.

 

But she hasnt even thought about divorce, WTF did she think legal seperation would mean?

 

Why are you tolerating her crap??? She's just using the issue of the seperation to screw around.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like she wants to go and experiment, do whatever she pleases. NO WAY. She can't go 'try out being a lesbian' then decide she wants to come back if it isn't her cup of tea. Gay or not, your wife has no problem sneaking off and cheating on you. She did that to you before you got married, she did it again AFTER you were married.

 

She can't have it both ways! It's unfair and selfish of her to do this to you.. I mean, has she gone to seek counselling to help her with this? Has she thought that maybe just spicing up your sex life with lesbian porn or something would actually be better than trying it for real? A fantasy is one thing, but reality is another.

 

She is giving up ALOT for the unknown..

 

Bottomline, you love her and don't want to lose your family, but you also can't keep going through her confusion. Discuss with her marriage counselling, reguardless if you two are separated. Go ogether and apart, but use the same person for both. I'm sure you could use someone to talk to about this as well.

[Gunny376]

The book "Brain Sex" is the result of a collective study done over twenty years across the globe by independent researchers.

 

It explains why some people are masculine, like sports, yet are gay.

 

Why some women are born female, heterosexual, yet reject femininity ~ aka ~ 'Tomboys'

 

Why some people are bi-sexual, yet otherwise masculine and feminine.

 

Transvestites, transsexuals, male to female transsexuals, female to male transsexuals.

 

Basically?

 

There's not two genders, but at least six if not more? (Mathematically based upon the 'Mathematical Law of permutations' ~ What can I say? I work in a lab and with math and science? )

 

Basically?

 

Your born 'gay'

 

What trips most up?

 

Is the societal, cultural, religious conditioning that is indoctrinated into us from childhood.

[Gunny376]

Sounds like she wants to go and experiment, do whatever she pleases. NO WAY. She can't go 'try out being a lesbian' then decide she wants to come back if it isn't her cup of tea. Gay or not, your wife has no problem sneaking off and cheating on you. She did that to you before you got married, she did it again AFTER you were married.

 

She can't have it both ways! It's unfair and selfish of her to do this to you.. I mean, has she gone to seek counselling to help her with this? Has she thought that maybe just spicing up your sex life with lesbian porn or something would actually be better than trying it for real? A fantasy is one thing, but reality is another.

 

She is giving up ALOT for the unknown..

 

That comes under ethics, morality, and.............................

 

Your right about taking vows and such.

 

But you have to factor in at least 18 years of ethical, cultural conditioning?

 

I know of a lady I work with who is married to a Baptist preacher, whose daughter is a lesbian, earned a degree from Auburn University in Mechicial Engineering (Tough school! Even if you still major in Art, Education? By

God you've going to have to take a Caulis Class!) and who is currently living with another woman in HA!

 

 

 

 

Bottomline, you love her and don't want to lose your family, but you also can't keep going through her confusion. Discuss with her marriage counselling, reguardless if you two are separated. Go ogether and apart, but use the same person for both. I'm sure you could use someone to talk to about this as well.

 

..........................................

[As Am I]

yes, she is giving up ALOT! The question is why? why now? She has so much good in her life right now, why would you give it up? a chance that maybe a woman might make you "happier", yeah....whatever the f**k "happy" is. BS! Am I just supposed to accept the fact she "might" be gay? Crazyness!

 

I keep wanting to go back to her "best friend" who is gay/bi/screw anything that moves...I think that my wife got so attached to her emotionally that she convinced her she was gay. idk. im drunk, having a rough night here. thank you guys.

[whichwayisup]

The question is why? why now?

 

Hate to say it, but chances are something has already happened and she also has some feelings for this 'friend', and this has confused her. If your wife hadn't cheated on you twice before, this would be a different situation, but because she has cheated on you, and it seems she loses her boundries, forgets she's committed to you, it's worse.

 

Tell her if she wants to leave, then she is free to go, but you stay in the house and the kids stay with you.

[As Am I]

Talked to my wife the other night. Told her I would be willing to do anything, counceling etc to make this work, she says nothing. I did find out she consulted a lawyer a few weeks ago, she didnt file though, says she still doesnt know what she wants...

 

I told her I'd be contacting an attorney this week to find out what my rights are and that I would probably go ahead and file. She asked me why I'd want to file so quickly. I told her I couldn't just wait in limbo for her to figure out what she wants and that I need to move on if she not willing to try.

 

I think she just needs to be on her own and fend for herself for awhile, as do I, till reality slips back in.

 

Joy

[530 Guy]

Talked to my wife the other night. Told her I would be willing to do anything, counceling etc to make this work, she says nothing. I did find out she consulted a lawyer a few weeks ago, she didnt file though, says she still doesnt know what she wants...

 

I told her I'd be contacting an attorney this week to find out what my rights are and that I would probably go ahead and file. She asked me why I'd want to file so quickly. I told her I couldn't just wait in limbo for her to figure out what she wants and that I need to move on if she not willing to try.

 

I think she just needs to be on her own and fend for herself for awhile, as do I, till reality slips back in.

 

Joy

She wants to play the field while you live with your mom? Eff that, move back in and kick her ass out. Let her be "gay" on her own dime. Then when she comes crawling back, hand her divorce papers.

[As Am I]

I hear ya...she texted me at work today saying "I miss you guys". I didn't respond back...fn head games im thinking.

[NopeNah]

Get back in your house! I also wouldn't be mentioning anything to her about the contacting of lawyers on your behalf. Just go and get it done without her knowledge(if thats what you want). Not sure what else to say..sticky situation for sure. Take care of your children above all and make sure she doesen't have them in any vacarious situations..good luck to you.