Something Troubling

[Genuinely Vexed]

Hello everyone! I joined the forums purely to vent an issue that has been bothering me. I will jump straight into the problem I am facing.

 

I am 25 and male, and my girlfriend is 20, we are both from the uk. I have, without sounding trashy, or boastful, been involved in more than a few sexual and romantic relationships. My girlfriend however, has only been with one other person, another girl, who was her best friend in high school, their relationship lasted for two years.

 

At University/College, we met while studying the same course, and have been seeing each other for two years. We are very happy together, our sex life is mutually exciting, and we are best friends in the truest sense of the term. i.e. we would be friends even if we werent together.

 

However, during the holidays, my Girlfriend goes home to her village, which is quite a long way from mine. This summer, she has travelled home, only to be contacted by her ex, (who split with my girlfriend, lets call her Sarah, for another girl. whom she is still dating). It started with some facebook messages, and now she has visited her at work, and they are planning on going for a drink together. My girlfriend has always been honest about this, though I hate to confess that I have read her facebook messages (shame on me I know, where is my trust).

 

Until Sarah, I was always quite jealous in relationships, but so were my exes, and so it was never a major problem. However, as those horrible thoughts (where is she? who is she with?) along with stolen glances caught on nights out made me unhappy, I have become certainly a lot more trusting and open when dealing with my girlfriend. Fortunately, she has been nothing but faithful, and we have never had cause to question each other, because I can feel how much she loves me, and I feel the same way.

 

But this other person, lets call her Anna, as my girlfriends first love, always proves quite a thorn in my side whenever her name pops up. My girlfriend always gets visibly upset, and there is clearly an unresolved conflict there. My problem stems from what I tell you next:

 

As I said, my girlfriends always tells me what happens with regard to Anna, but because we are also friends, we sometimes get too honest maybe for comfort. When Anna suggested a drink, she also text afterwards to say how nice it was to see my girlfriend, and how she misses her sometimes. Now Sarah had had a long day in work on that particular day, and during our nightly conversation (we always make a point of having a long phone conversation each night) she asked me how I felt about it. I thought id leave it awhile, since she was tired, so I said id give her some time to think about it, and we'd talk when she could tell me what she felt.

 

Now I have to be honest, traditionally ive never been particularly comfortable or understanding about these types of things, and ive made a real concerted effort to behave differently with Sarah. So the following day when we spoke I asked her how it felt to see her, and Sarah said that she felt confused to see her, and did feel an attraction to her, and being honest, did flirt with her reciprocally.

 

Naturally, I do appreciate the honesty, however hurtful. Therefore my problem is this: What the **** do I do? Do I stand by and let nature take its course? I obviously cant forbid my girlfriend from seeing her, as this would probably drive her away (once again, if I am honest, I would like to though). In the past, when I have seen my exes on nights out or on the train, I have always been very reserved, as I know anything different would upset Sarah. There really isnt anyone I can talk to about this, since the fact that my girlfriend was with a girl is not something her friends and family know about. So I guess I am asking for other peoples input.

 

I have considered that my girlfriend is gay, and we have talked about this, but there is nothing in our sex life to suggest that we are not compatible, (and I am certain that this is felt on both sides). I have also considered that maybe my girlfriend would like to be with other people, since I have done my "running around", and i feel slightly guilty about robbing her of the experience of having differnet partners, both sexually and emotionally (I hope that sounds right rather than creepy). Furthermore, I considered that however honest she is, Sarah would not tell me if she cheated on me with Anna, since she knows I would probably walk away if such a thing occured. Summed up, I dont want to be on the wrong end of a summer fling, or worse, and since I am very serious about my Girl, and never truly serious about any of my past girlfriends, I need to know EXACTLY what does happen with Anna, since I honestly cant see a future with someone who has done that to me.

 

I appreciate this thread maybe doesnt paint me as a particularly good person, but it is as honest as I can make it, and if I havent articulated the situation very well, understand my confusion, and consequently my inability to put my feelings into words.

 

This is a very recent problem, and takes us up to yesterday, so please...any input more than welcome.

 

Genuinely Vexed

[Bryanp]

Let me ask you this question. If this was happening with an ex boyfriend would you sit back and say nothing and let nature take its course? Your girlfriend is attracted to her ex lover and admits to you she enjoys flirting with her. It does not take a genius to figure out where this is heading.

 

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your girlfriend would not say anything and let nature take its course? I am sorry my friend but she is disrespecting your relationship. By not saying anything when she asks how do you feel about it, you are sending a clear message to her that it would be acceptable to you for her to get involved with her ex again. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[lostsunsets]

I would simply tell her that I understand that there is an attraction, and that you can't nor would you ever forbid her from seeing her. But that you would ask her to let you know if she was going to take it to the next level with her b4 she did so you could part as friends. I will not stand in the way of what makes you happy, but if I found out you cheated on me with anyone, I would hate you. Its just that simple.

[Thornton]

I agree with Bryanp - you're only sitting back here because the ex-lover is a girl, and if it was a guy you wouldn't be happy at all. I think it's ok for someone to be friends with an ex, but when the ex is saying they miss your partner, and your partner is confused, then there's some serious thinking to be done.

 

Your gf needs to decide which of you she wants to be with, and if she chooses you then she needs to reduce or completely cut contact with her ex. Usually it would be ok for a partner to be friends with an ex, but it's inappropriate when the ex still wants your partner back.