My story-Need

[NOTSURE7]

Hi all, i have been reading posts for awhile and have been trying to find ones that fit my story..i have read some great advice so i decided to post my story here in hopes that i can get some real,honest good hearted advice, i know there will be people who will view me in a negative light but i am hoping that overall i can get good perspectives and thought provoking advice.

 

i know this is a long story but it all needs to be told so that i cna get the proper advice...

 

ok here goes, i will be married 11 years in june,we have 3 small children ages 9,6,4,we are on the surface the typical suburban family,we do everything together,my wife is the typical housewife,just happy with her life,loves being a stay at home mom,loves being married and truly loves and adores me.i in turn love and adore her and to the outside world we are perfect.my wife and me are complete oposites,i know i married the wrong type of girl for me but at a certain time in my life i needed things and she was there..11 years later i am seeing the differences and knowing that i should have chose someone different,,now of course there is no such thing as perfect so i will tell you why..

 

my life has always been a battle, mostly self caused,i was brought up in a fairly loving environmet where everything was always on the fly,sort of chaotic but it worked, my mom and dad are married a long time, when i came from collge it began to unravel and i relaized alot of it was a lie and that my father had cheated on my mom and she had found a note that he wrote saying he loved this woman,well they got through it and she sort of turns a blind eye these days...fast forward now and here i am 36 years old.

 

when i moved into my parents fresh from college, i had alot of needs as i had just realized my childhood was a lie, i met my wife and we dated and then got married at age 25, about 3 months after marriage i went to a friends wedding and after drinking alot which is not an excuse i slept with another woman, i never told my wife about this and life went on,we had our first child,then she caught me gambling and i swore i would stop and the marriage continued,we had another child and i was buiding my business,to her it was still a fairy tale,the i found the internet sites and i met a local woman and we began an almost 4 year emotional online affair,we were consumed by eachother and got along amazingly, i felt alive,we decided to meet and professed our love for one another,but when push came to shove i was not reasy to leave my wife and family for this woman and as soon as we met and she pressured me i broke it off, we ended up speaking again 6 months later but it never went anywhere, my wife never ever knew,i never slept with this woman but we did kiss and have other foreplay.so just at the same time i was ending it my wife caught on to yet another gambling loss,i had been trying to recover and make money good for 6 years and finally it all caught up to me and we went through a rough patch but stuck through it.

 

amazingly not long after this i posted on a married website and met a local woman who right from the start was my equal, the attraction was instant and we began a torid physical and emotional affair, she was everything i was ever looking for, the exact woman i should have married, she is also married and is not happy and wants nothing more than to leave her husband and be with me, in my head i want tobe with her badly but again this feeling of guilt and connection and the need to take care of my wife and children and not abandon ship takes over.

 

this brings me to present day, me and this other woman talk all day everyday, when i am not with her i am thinking about her,if i am home and i get the chance i write her,we are together physically and mentally, i belive she is my true soulmate and i often wonder why she was brought to me at this point in my life..

 

ok so here is what i need help with, i know that i have never ever lived an honest day in my life,my wife is living a dream but in reality its a night mare,the thought of telling her i am leaving her is sickening to me,i want to take care of her,she needs me and the kids would be devastated, i cant and wont end it with this woman unless she ends it with me,i need her in my life..my wife has no idea,there have been some near misses but i always explain things away, recently we were away and ll i could think about was this other woman, she makes me feel so alive,she gets me and i can picture being with her forever but the guilt and emotianl connection to my wife and kids is too great for me to walk away..

 

if i was ever to tell her i wanted to leave her i dont know that i could say it to her face,i know its cowardly but honestly i cant see the hurt, i know it might sound strange but i can love her and love another woman too..i just want to do the right thing and be happy with my ownself, it is on my mind constantly,i am living a complete lie.do i stay for the kids?, do i stay because maybe there is love and something that can be saved ?, money is not a reason for me to stay,although times are tough,but in my head i just cant picture my wife being ok without me and it hurts me to think that.i wonder how will she support herself, i wish i could just support her and take care of her but not be married to her, i would never leave the kids,they are my life..

 

please tell me what i am supposed to do...

[schewter]

Notsure...I aint gonna judge you man but many on here most certainly will. You already know what's wrong here and the only thing I can tell you is that you're gonna, at the very least, have to let someone go...it aint fair to your wife, your kids or the woman you're seeing to keep this charade going. Whatever you decide to do doi it outright...not half-way. I am curious about your wonderment as to how your wife will support herself...I think if you leave her that should most certainly be on YOU since she has been spending all her time raising your children.

[NOTSURE7]

yes you are right i know exactly whats going on here, in response to supporting her, i was actually referring to when my support expired, i would never think to do anything less than support her and my children,im more worried about her 7-8 years down the line.i know it may seem weird and you might all think its not true but i acyaully care and think about these things. thanks for your post

[schewter]

yes you are right i know exactly whats going on here, in response to supporting her, i was actually referring to when my support expired, i would never think to do anything less than support her and my children,im more worried about her 7-8 years down the line.i know it may seem weird and you might all think its not true but i acyaully care and think about these things. thanks for your post

 

I don't think it's weird and I totally believe you...you're in a tough spot but it's only gonna get tougher till you make a move one way or another. Good Luck either way.

[jany]

Are you sure your wife doesn't know anything? A woman's intuition is very strong. You mentioned some near misses too. Do you think she believes you completely?

 

Have you tried talking to a marriage counselor?

[Reggie]

Your wife should be told about your doubkle life, don't you think? She's counting on you and your marriage vows and denying herself the same opportunity, to meet someone that loves her as a wife. Same with your kids. They should have a dad that loves his wife or is at least honest.

What about STDs, you are , potentially, putting your wife's health and life at risk. How will she feel if she finds out 25 years down the road and realizes she bypassed similar opportunities to find someone in reliance on your misrepresentations?

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like you've never even given her a chance. Told her that you're bored, need somse excitement, told her that you two need to get passionate and also do marriage counselling. Instead of being honest and open up to her, you clammed up and ran looking for something else on the side to fulfill your needs.

 

It's one thing to do when you don't have kids, (still is bad) but even worse when you DO have kids, especially 3 under the age of 10. For the sake of your kids, please get help, and give the marriage your best - Atleast IF it doesn't work out, you'll know you tried.

 

If you are so unhappy, divorce and let her go find someone who will adore and love her.

[tami-chan]

So take care of your wife....make sure she will not have a difficult life after the divorce. It might not be forever, she might find someone who will be more than happy to treat her better than you have. Or maybe she will take it upon herself to be free from having to need a man for her financial independence.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Sounds like you arent placing blame where it exists, squarely on your sholders!!!

 

No one forced you to cheat, no one put a gun to your head and made you spread your legs.

 

Why arent you owning your actions? I mean you say youve been bored? Really so you get excitement with other men's wives???

 

Really? and if one of these husbands finds out and rats you out to your wife, what then, that home, house your made with those kids surely get disrupted.

 

Why dont you come clean and make amends. If you dont want to be with your wife, fine just say so, but dont waste her life with your stupidity.

 

Life is too short to be held back by idiots.

 

Are you a genious or an idiot? Are you gonna hold back your wife from either being in a reciprocating marriage where both of you love and TRUST, each other.

 

Or you can go about your business and get herpes from your jump offs.

 

Because your wife isnt the blame for you straying,

 

...you are.

[foxzilla]

Not to be rude,

 

But it sounds like your recreating your childhood. Your leading your wife to believe (even if she knows the truth in her heart) that she'll have security and a marriage for the rest of her life. At this rate of deception your kids will also go away to college and realize their parents marriage was a fake.

 

I can tell you from experience doing whats right is always the hardest thing, but its like that saying 'ripping off the band-aid; better to do it quick than slow' why put her through years of heart ache and self loathing when you could admit your indiscretions , promise to help with your children (emotionally and monetarily) and move the situation forward from there. She wants to be loved too and be keeping her trapped in this position your basically denying her healthy love and Genuine happiness too. respect her, help her and move on.

 

I hope you keep us posted.

[HeidiB125]

Look at it this way....she is better off without you. You are a lying, cheating, deceptive, piece of work...to put it kindly. START thinking about her for a change and STOP rationalizing your behavior by how much it will hurt her. You have already hurt her beyond repair. Let her go and find someone who will love her and feel for her in all the ways that you don't. Stop the bull****e and just do it!!

[LifesontheUp]

 

but the guilt and emotianl connection to my wife and kids is too great for me to walk away..

 

I think you need to understand you are a cake eater. You want both women because each one fills some need in you.

 

If you can't make the decision, tell your wife and let her choose what SHE wants to do. Why should you be the only one to make choices here. Doesn't your wife count for anything?????????

 

 

but in my head i just cant picture my wife being ok without me and it hurts me to think that.

 

Of course she will be ok. Yeah she will be devistated but in time she will get over you. Sorry but it sounds to me that your ego can't deal with the possibility she will manage without you.

 

And if I had a penny for every time I hear the cheater say "OW/OM is my soul mate" I'd be rich by now

[jmargel]

NotSure,

 

Let me tell you a little story that's happened to my family. Perhaps it might put some perspective into what your situation is. My aunt who was married for 30 years to who she believed was her best friend, the love of her life, the one and only. 2 years ago after both working hard finally had their dream come true, to vacation in Ireland. They raised their daughter through all these times and at no time did she think anything was going on.

 

One day after grocery shopping, she came home. As he was putting the groceries away he collasped, had a heart attack. Died right in front of her. She was a mess, she lost her soul-mate, the love of her life for 30+ years. The person she adored.. gone.

 

About a week after the funeral she came across a small safe, she never saw it before. She didn't have the key either. She had to hire a locksmith to unlock it. When she finally did open it, she felt death all over again. Inside were pictures of him and his 'mistress'. Also divorce papers signed by him, that she never knew about.

 

How? Why? When? These are answers that will NEVER be answered. All she can get from all of this is that the trips he would take to see his brother in NYC, was actually trips to see his mistress. Apparently she was pressing him to leave his wife to be with her, so get got the papers, signed them but never took them to the courthouse or shown them to his wife. My guess is he went back to his mistress and said 'See, I signed them, she won't.' Just to buy time. The heart attack? I imagine the stress of this affair was a big part in it.

 

His wife has no clue how long this has been going on. She has no clue who this other woman is. So all these questions she has will NEVER be answered. The man she married to and the life she had was a lie. Imagine everything you believed in about your partner being false. Imagine everything that was told to you, done for you, really wasn't meant for you. They were actions, no feelings behind it.

 

Please don't do this to your wife any longer. She deserves to know! She deserves to know so she can make her own decisions. Truth untold is still a lie!

 

You just don't want to face the consequences for what you have done and continue to do. You justify your behavior and try to excuse facing these consequences by saying how hard your wife will have it. Look up narcissism, it's something you might have.. You really need to see a counselor this behavior of yours is very self-destructive.

 

Don't end up like my uncle, he died in his mid 50s and good chance this affair was the factor in this. Nothing will change until you change it.

[bentnotbroken]

Notsure7 ,you have lived your life as if you were in a bubble. You blame everyone but yourself for your actions. So what's your next move?

[PhoenixRise]

Try doing something unselfish.

 

Do something for your wife who you say you love.

 

Let her go.

 

Don't you think she deserves to have someone love her, feel passion for her just as you feel for your OW.

 

Don't underestimate your wife. If she has been dealing with your gambling and you are racking up big losses then somewhere within her she knows there may come a time when she can't rely on you.

 

The kindest, best thing you can do for her is divorce her.

 

AND

 

Don't overestimate how happy she is right now. You are gambling and having losses. You have had near misses regarding your affairs.

 

Believe me.. she is probaly not feeling estatic joy in being your wife. She may be just coping and trying to make the best she can out of a bad situation.

 

Just free her.

[violaaa]

Narcisstic personalities would need clinical treatment but is not easy to recover. But hope you go through yourself with some assessment by professionals. But some highlights from DSM4 are as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity of self-importance,fantasy of unlimited ideal love, need of excessive admiration , lack of empathy, expectation of of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his/her expectations, take advantage of others to achieve own ends, shows arrogant or haughty attitudes or behaviours.

 

Can you really stand to see things from your wife's shoe other than your own?

[Spark1111]

NotSure7, you have an addictive personality. Aren't you tired of living like this? High, lows, lost money, gambling, many women, CONFUSION????

 

Why not start with yourself? Find a good counselor and begin the arduous process of discovering what unfillable void within yourself you think these external items will fill. Don't you realize the destructive patterns of your life choices? Don't you realize yet, it will never be enough, no matter how many relationships, businesses, life savings, you burn through?

 

You will NEVER be happy until you do. And you will/are/have been cutting a wide swatch of destruction your whole life.

 

Get help! Before you throw away a loving wife and family for a perceived "soulmate." Because I guarantee you, two years from now, she won't be the one. You'll be on to the next one, and the next one and the next one.

 

Figure YOURSELF out first, before you make any life altering decisions you will never be able to take back.