Not sure ...

[oasis_02]

I've been in a LDR for a little more than a year now. I met him on a online game when I was 16, and now I am just about to turn 19 in a couple of months.

 

Our relationship has been strong, we've seen eachother twice, (one for 7 days, the next for 3 weeks).

 

I'm currently in California and he is all the way in Ontario, Canada.

 

My problem is, he's been really depressed lately about everything. From money, to work, to family, and he has this "everything would just go away if you were here" attitude. I've tried convincing him that seeing eachother once a month rather than twice a year might satisfy him until I decide where I'm going with college, but everytime I do this he says its not good enough, and he needs me to live with him.

 

He is a good person, I understand from another perspective, that he may be perceived as controlling, and like other people when they discribe the issues they have with their SO, they leave out everything that is good natured and only describe what is wrong, and I don't want to "paint a negative picture" of him, but even to me his behavior seems selfish.

 

He denys that I want to live with him, saying that I am probably going to stay here in Cali for the next 5 years. But I'm attending College and (yes, this semester I hit a bump and lost all ambition in the career path I chose, so I dropped my classes). I could see why he thinks I'm wasting my time, but I'm young still and I feel that if I finish school, AND THEN move up there we could build a better life.

 

But he says we'll be fine on his $10/hour salary working construction.

 

I dont know, am I being selfish by not complying with his request to live with him especially when he is at a depressing point in his life, or is he being selfish by not seeing that it is me that is trying to help us both in the long run?

 

I'm unmotivated right now, not sure what career path to choose, and am contemplating on living with him for just a year, and then moving back to Cali to finish school.

 

But once a year is over, it would feel like wasted time.

 

I have nights where I am depressed because I miss him so much, but I think I handle it better than he does. And of course I would just fly up there and spend a weekend with him if I had the money to, but I don't right now.

 

I just don't know who is "right", or if there is even a "right" and "wrong" here. It's basically sacrifice, and it seems like I am sacrificing more by spending a year away from school. Or am I being inconsiderate to how he is feeling?

 

I need opinions, because to me these early years are crucial, and I expected to be living there with a stable career in the next 3 years. But at the pace I'm going, maybe staying up there for a few months would give me some motivation for when I come back to Cali.

 

Has anyone ever wanted to "turn their life around" and move the distance to be with your SO? Because the way my life is now, it seems appealing and yet I'm optimistic all at the same time.

 

P.S I forgot to mention he is the same age as me, incase people are wondering.

[Lucky_One]

You are very young, and I am going to assume that if you can't fly to go see him, then you don't have much money.

 

Do NOT think that you are going to get a job in California. They probably are the worst state in the US to look for employment right now. Your BF's job is also likely working on a "as needed" basis in construction, and getting a steady paycheck on his part may be if-fy for a year.

 

And living on a $10/hr paycheck isn't good.

 

Sounds like you two have different ideas, anyway, on your futures. You are the same age. What is he doing about his future? A $10/hr construction job? Is he going to tech school for HVAC, electrical, plumbing, taking business courses, taking building courses? You are in college, and while you may have had a change of heart for your career path, you at least HAVE a desire for a career path and a plan to get there.

 

He sounds like he is pinning all of his unhappiness and problems on you, which is unrealistic and unreasonable. Healthy relationships and people have support on a lot of different sides (family, friends, colleagues); he doesn't sound happy in his own skin, to begin with.

[oasis_02]

I don't think he's happy in his own skin either. Before he met me he was planning on joining the army because "he didn't care what happend to him" and had this type of mentality that if he died while fighting, he wouldn't be losing much.

 

He's gone to therapy when he was younger and he refuses to talk to anyone but me and I understand how strange it feels to talk to someone you don't know sitting in front of you about your problems, but he won't negotiate with me and he won't see a counselor even when I ask him to do it for me.

 

He dropped out of high school, and works with a family company and gives me lectures on "how i dropped all my classes, life isn't easy you have to work," but he's not going to college or even trade school to become certified himself.

 

I like being the only one he can talk to but it seems like I'M the one supporting him emotionally all the time, and when I'm feeling down, he doesn't encourage me he just says "I told you to stay in your classes and you didn't so I just give up".

 

. . .

 

Idk, I love him but he's depressed to the point where I think my prescence would only comfort him for a while and then he might fall into depression again whether I'm there or not.

[KikiW]

You need to stay away from him for now.

 

He needs to become his own person, find his own course. Not create a co-dependent relationship where you both end up using each other as a crutch and avoid living a full life.

 

You have some direction - stick to it. He is the one with more ability to be transient, with a laborer-type job. I am not putting it down in any way, mind you. But you are looking at furthering your education, and you MUST DO THAT. You need all the education you can get to get where you want in life. Even if you decided to change education tracks, you are still in line to get back on course and it's very important you do that.

 

It would be good if he found direction, but he sounds very lost and depressed. He really needs to see someone about his despair, which comes through just in your two posts. If he is being stubborn and refuses to see someone, there isn't much you are going to be able to do about it. But you cannot get sucked in and used as his personal security blanket. He needs to take steps for himself.

[hoping2heal]

I agree that he needs to establish his own self, and he might believe you being there would change things but they won't, because at the end of the day he seems to be unhappy with himself, and that isn't anyone else's responsibility to cure, nor can anyone else alleviate that.

 

I make $10/hr. I don't have any credit cards, and very small debt of only paying off a student loan monthly, I don't have many "extras" and I still feel strapped for cash. That's just supporting 1 person, and I only pay HALF for rent. I don't have a vehicle right now so I'm not paying car insurance or gas. I'm not saying he's lying to you, but he isn't being realistic about two of you living fine off that.

 

You also don't want the emotional responsibility of solely providing another person with happiness and enjoyment in life.