How to get rid of that false hope

[BearPower]

You know my story, she said never again.

 

So WHY oh WHY cant I just accept it, as never again?

 

Why do I keep thinking 'maybe one day'? It really is self destructive. Im aware of that.

I have practicaly had an emotional gun pointed at my face a big NO bullet splashed across my brain on so many occasions that even the best plastic surgeon could not reconstruct what was once their. I have to start from scratch.

 

I have had a cold, truthful, harsh and what comes across to me as unloving breakup.

 

 

 

How on earth do I get past that feeling that we were really meant to be?

I think it is a bit brash to say never, especialy when their was so much good in the relationship.

 

So she felt trapped, she wanted to be free and single, no one else to look out for except herself. Thats fair enough after 5 years.

 

Guess im just rambling a bit here, but WHY CANT I JUST LET GO 100%....?

 

Its really annoying me. One moment I accept it, the next Im hopeful again...GRRRRR!!!

 

Dont get me wrong, I know nothing, if ever, is going to happen for a looooong time. But I need to get in that mindset of it being never, as clearly that is what she wants.

[BearPower]

Think I figured it out

[Leveller]

 

Why do I keep thinking 'maybe one day'?

 

Your my friend and I don't want to give you false hope but personally I don't have a problem with this as a general idea. People and situations evolve over time. You know my story and my belief system.

 

What I would suggest is that you COMPLETELY REMOVE ANY THOUGHTS of short term reconcilliation. These thoughts are what are driving your self destruction my friend. Try, please try to make YOUR immedate life better. Pour out your thoughts on paper, turn them into a novel do whatever is necessary but please, please stick to NC over the long term. Formulate a plan to get YOUR life back on track and in the process you will go a long way towards disolving the reasons for the break up-not only the short term reasons but the deep underlying causes.

 

Build a life YOU would want to buy into. Remember the future is not written...become the driver in your life once more and not the passenger.

 

Sorry if this sounds preachy mate...you know I am going through a rough time myself which, like you, is a lot down to immediate circumstances. Think long term.

 

Nil desperandum-Don't despair.

[BearPower]

I have removed all hopes for short term reconciliation.

Clearly it just aint gonna happen!!

I have to move on, i know this.

Breakups are a B I T C H

 

I am just dumbfounded that someone can say never again after something so special!!!

[TheBigCow]

SoulBear or BearPower (whats going on with that ?)

 

I know you are hurting from that email she sent you but you need to take control again! Look, personally I can understand your feeling of not being able to accept its over for good, I feel the same way. But you can't plan on control the future, so this belief should not change the way you live your life... so get back into thinking about building yourself up, your future, other girls..

 

You just need to fight back man. I'm not saying forget this girl - don't - but you need to stop attacking yourself and instead put the energy into rebuilding your self esteem.

 

You seem like a good guy, remember that and eventually things will come your way

[BearPower]

My SoulBear account got suspended til the 21st....I performed an illegal act of solicitation on the website somewhere!!!

 

So Until the 21st, I am BearPower!!! RAAAA!!!

 

I know I have to move on with life. Im just up and down like a whores droors just now.

I feel stronger, I feel able to cope in a sense, I just feel incredibly hurt to have that said with zero compassion, its a slap in the face.

 

BUT, i have realised something...

 

It could have been fixed with a good bit of communication.

 

I think she will have this problem with anyone she is with, it has all ways been an issue for her- communication.

 

It just makes me so sad to think someone can say never again because they felt trapped and want to be free. I allways have a will to change, but I feel like I am being looked down upon in a sense.

Saying that I have not grown or changed, and she has is not very true.

 

I think the only think that hasnt grown on my part, is my love for her. It couldnt possibly have gotten any more.

I think the change that she made, was the lesser feeling of love towards me.

 

There will come a pioint in her life, when she is ready to be with someone, and she wants to feel safe and secure. what then?

I think to say never again because she didnt feel free is a bit brash.

When will she actually confront her issues?

I dont feel like she is at all.

It just feels like she thinks she knows it all, and is on a big ego trip- that i have 'so much to learn' and 'she is complete'

 

Honestly, who says those kind of things?!!

I hope this hits home one day, finding someone who truly loves you and cares for you is tough. To say we were never meant to be is a con, we were brought together and were so sure of our love.

 

I do feel like I have been used to some extent as a tool to grow, I feel I had my power, which i freely gave to her, used and abused.

 

Im confused now, was their ever love there? I remember MANY occasions where that connection and bond was STRONG...seriously strong.

I just WISH i had some insight into her at the moment. I guess I do in a way, as I have mentioned above. But I am hurting, and confused about the long term future.

[BearPower]

IF she ever came back to me, I think I would have to decline until she sorts out her issues.

This whole time I have been blaming myself. Yes I had a part to play, but is she had communicated with me, and spoken about things and told me her concerns, im pretty sure I would have been able to work it out.

 

Part of me wants to tell her, thats fine, I accept that its over, and that I realised that it wasnt all me at all, and that she has issues she needs to resolve. Her communication sucks, and she will never be truly happy with anyone until she learns that.

 

I wont break NC again. But I hope for her sake she will come to it sooner or later, that I was not to blame totally for what happened and she is not as 'complete' as she thinks, that she had an active part to play in the relationship ending too. It has been a long term battle, me asking her for better communication.

 

Funny that.

[BearPower]

AHHH!! Now Im mad....

 

I really want to tell her that she has issues too!!

She needs to work on her communication.....

****s sake

 

Someone give me a good cyber slap

 

 

This is good progress tho. Realising these things.

Taking her off that pedestal.

 

Im getting to the stage where the dumpee starts to remember all the bad things.....

This would definatly be my number one concern now if she ever did ask for another chance. THIS is what broke down the relationship....

one of those 'aha!' moments

Truly enlightning

[TheBigCow]

Soul-Bear-Power .. do not contact her to tell her that she had problems with communication. Even if it is the most insightful criticism ever, she will just take it as a personal attack and ignore you. In since she will think of it as an attack she won't get the chance to realize it for herself.

 

You need to stop thinking 'If she did give me another chance". Look its not impossible, but you can't live your life hoping or expecting that, you need to battle on assuming that she's not coming back. Besides, if you're going to ignore my advice here () the best way to have another chance is do the same thing, move on and recover from this terrible time in your life.

 

I honestly know what you're going through, I have been there and the only reason I haven't made the same posts as you on LS is that my flatmates had to hear it instead. But trust me, after a month or so of NC things start to look different - you can gain ALOT of perspective.

[t0ri]

Honestly, you need a different mentality about all of this. Tell yourself that she's NOT coming back, although nobody can say that for certain. But don't place your hope on the very slight chance she may realize her mistakes and come back to you. I know you're trying to let go of false hope, so stop thinking about hypothetical situations. Just get it in your head that she's not coming back. Her last email made it clear she wants nothing to do with you.

 

I know exactly how you feel. My ex told me he wanted me out of his life forever and that was the last thing I've heard from him. Him telling me that was exactly what I needed to kill any glimmer of hope. I went through many feelings and emotions, and some of them were wanting to yell at him for his faults, to make me feel better. But if you were to tell her what she did to bring this relationship down, it wouldn't make you feel better, and she'd probably blow it off. She has her own version of what happened between you two, and she doesn't need to hear your side of it. She doesn't care.

 

Keep your head up and salvage what dignity you have left by leaving her alone. It'll get easier. Block her email address or do whatever necessary to help you resist temptation! I've limited my time online because I'm having a hard time resisting snooping on my ex. (I have his passwords to email, facebook, & myspace).

 

You just have to let the reality sink in. She doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to hear from you, she's moved on from you, she's not coming back, she want's nothing to do with you. It's a tough reality I'm right there with you, friend. My ex and I seem to have had some similar issues to you and your ex, so I know where you're coming from... & I know it hurts. Stay strong with NC! No more emails!

[BearPower]

Dont mind me Tory, Im all over the ****ing place today

 

im in NC NC NC NC NC NC NC

 

I know now after that last email...seriously...now I know

[I_Wonder]

once you say "she's not coming back" to yourself enough, you'll start to have a new perspective. Its been a month later and I haven't totally convinced myself of this but I sure am close. I have started to see things differently. I am starting to say to myself " if he did come back...would i even want him?" Pretty soon you're going to get to that stage. NC really helps you get to this point. You will start to see that hmm...maybe it wasn't real love if she could leave so easily. you will start to see your ex in a completely different light. like someone else said...you can't think short term at all. i used to do that and people around me kept saying look to the future...months ahead of now. it takes a while for some people to realize how good they had it. sometimes they need to be with other people to realize that you were the best. go ahead and start thinking of yourself with other people. you need to make sure that she was really what you wanted. if this was your only love, how do you know something better is not out there? someone said that to me and made me realize that things could be better and you'd never know it if you just settled.

[jqb05443]

Bear I know how you feel. I was with my bf for over three years. He broke up with me over 2 months ago and I have not been able to let go. He said he was confused, felt like the spark was gone, knew I wanted marriage but he couldnt give me that. First thought was there is someone else and he has always been honest and he assured me there wasn't. He lost his job and alot of money in March and he is afraid of commitment. I knew his past history with relationships but figured we are both older he is 33 me 30 and he won't run away BUT he did. I have had a hard time with NC. I feel like we are meant to be. We hung out and talked after break up and we both agreed that things were better then they have ever been between us..until i gave him a letter telling him how i changed and how i want to work things out and that pushed him away. He said that he was still hanging out with me because he wanted to see if we did change and wanted things to happen on their own. Well 2 weeks ago he told me that we can't hang out anymore and that we need to move on. I have been devasted since. I decided to give one more attempt and invited him to show with me 3 weeks from now and he actually agreed to go with me which I was shocked. We have been NC since i invited and I will remain NC until 2 days before the event. I never gave him that time to miss me since we broke up so I am going to be strong until we have dinner and see the show in 3 weeks. I keep thinking, if he really wanted me out of his life he never would have agreed to go with me...I know false hope but that's all i got too.

[NopeNah]

Bear I know how you feel. I was with my bf for over three years. He broke up with me over 2 months ago and I have not been able to let go. He said he was confused, felt like the spark was gone, knew I wanted marriage but he couldnt give me that. First thought was there is someone else and he has always been honest and he assured me there wasn't. He lost his job and alot of money in March and he is afraid of commitment. I knew his past history with relationships but figured we are both older he is 33 me 30 and he won't run away BUT he did. I have had a hard time with NC. I feel like we are meant to be. We hung out and talked after break up and we both agreed that things were better then they have ever been between us..until i gave him a letter telling him how i changed and how i want to work things out and that pushed him away. He said that he was still hanging out with me because he wanted to see if we did change and wanted things to happen on their own. Well 2 weeks ago he told me that we can't hang out anymore and that we need to move on. I have been devasted since. I decided to give one more attempt and invited him to show with me 3 weeks from now and he actually agreed to go with me which I was shocked. We have been NC since i invited and I will remain NC until 2 days before the event. I never gave him that time to miss me since we broke up so I am going to be strong until we have dinner and see the show in 3 weeks. I keep thinking, if he really wanted me out of his life he never would have agreed to go with me...I know false hope but that's all i got too.

In your case...He could feel depressed/embarassed about losing his job. That's how i was when I lost the best job, to date, that i've ever had(1.5yrs ago). It was of no doing of my own(the company was sold). It hit me hard and for a while! I was with my now ex at the time and felt like dirt! I wish I had left then myself. It was VERY depressing and put a big strain on us as a family. Not financial, at first, since she has a great career and I had savings set back..either way..not going to ramble haha just saying this *could* be his reasoning. As i wish it was the path I chose, now that I look back. Goodluck!