to breakup or not?? complete opposites

[northerngirl]

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Hi everyone, I'm new to this site but was wondering if maybe I could get a bit of insight on my current situation. Here it goes (I apologize if this ends up being long!)

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. We were friends before this and worked together. A few months into our relationship I went to Asia on an exchange for about 5 months. When we got together, I wasn't looking for a relationship because I knew I'd be leaving and he didn't want anything serious either, but we just ended up falling in love and couldn't see ourselves apart.

Me being on the other side of the world from him was very trying on our relationship as well as our bank accounts. I found out that he was chatting with a girl and exchanging pictures over the internet. Harmless flirting?? I saw it more as deception. I confronted him with it when I got home and he just flew off the handle...saying that I can't trust and that I have problems. I DO have a hard time trusting people but I still felt like he was in the wrong. Then, a few days later I found a phone number on a matchbook in his bedroom. I looked up the phone number in the cross-reference phone book and found out it was of a girl his used to sleep with far before we got together. I know that it wasn't left over from then because he had moved 2 or 3 times since then. When I brought up her name, he got even more furious shouting at me and calling me names so I dropped it. So those 2 things are what have made me suspicious of him and unable to trust him completely.

Lately, we are still in a long-distance relationship since I go to university, but we are at least in the same province. I see him about 1 a month. We spent the entire summer together as well.

Basically, we have been fighting a lot. He gets made at me for not trusting him. My major issue with him is that it feels like he doesn't respect me. Alot of the time when I call him he is in a bad mood and it seems like he's taking it out on me. I try to say, "if your made about work it doesn't mean you have to take it out on me" or something like that and he flips out. He also says things like "whatever Anne" or "sure" and he hangs up alot. Its really hard to communicate with someone who just ends any conflict like that. Its got to the point where I don't want to say anything when he is acting this way because I don't want to deal with his bad attitude. I know that that is not healthy.

Its not all bad though, thats the problem. I love him a lot and I know he loves me. We have a lot of fun together, have alot of the same goals in life, and we have alot in common. I definitely don't want to hurt him and I know that I will hurt like crazy if he's not a part of my life anymore.

For awhile I thought that the tension was due to the long-distance stuff, but this past summer, when we lived together for 4 months, we still fought. And its not just small arguements...its yelling screaming threatening kinda fights (not physically threatening, just like "if you think you can find someone better then go right ahead" kind of threats - that one is his favourite by the way).

We are also in very different places. I am a graduate student at university and he didn't even graduate highschool. I know that is superficial but sometimes it makes things hard. He doesn't get along well with most of my friends from school and I find it hard to relate to his life sometimes. Also, his friends are the stripper-dating, womanizing type and it bothers me that he's around them all the time (including his current roomate). Sometimes I wonder if he will grow up (he's already 3 yrs older then me) and stop partying. He says he wants to go back to school and I know he really does, but he hasn't saved money and continues to party (which spends the money he could be saving for school).

Lastly (sorry for the long drawn out posting!!), I find our sex life very unsatisfying. Its not that the chemistry isn't there...when we have sex its great...he's great. But he just will not initiate anything and most of the time when I do he is 'too tired'. Isnt' that the cliche 'womens excuse'??? Its very frustrating and hurtful to me because I feel rejected and unattractive. I know that its not that I am unattractive and he has told me it has nothing to do with me, but it still feels like its because of me. This makes it even harder to be in the relationship, especially when I have opprotunities to be with other men. I would never cheat on my boyfriend but if I'm not satisfied now in the relationship then will I ever be???

To make matters more complicated, he has started to tlak about marriage. He says he knows we have problems, but every relationship has problems. He also says that he can't see himself being with anyone else and that I am the women he wants to spend the rest of his life with. That would be great, if it wasn't for the 'bad times'.

I know I have my faults and I am not trying to blame this all on him. I have tried to compromise with him about things and work on things but he won't budge. Its like he thinks he does no wrong. I also feel bad because I don't think he had a rolemodel on how to be in relationships. He has no relationship with either of his parents. His mom left his dad with him and his two sisters when he was about 6. He doesnt talk to his mom or step-dad at all now and she didn't even call him on his birthday or christmas. I feel bad about breaking up with him because its like he's never had any good relationships and has no love in his life except from me.

Basically my question is, what do I do?? I know that is broad but is there hope to save this relationship and make it healthy?? Or should I be moving on?? How can you get someone to talk who refuses to and immediately goes on the defensive?? How do you know when its time to break-up?

[HokeyReligions]

made me suspicious of him and unable to trust him completely.

 

I didn't need to read any further then this. If you don't trust him then move on. You are not doing either of you any favors by trying to stay together. It just wasn't meant to be.

 

 

But I did read further:

I am a graduate student at university and he didn't even graduate highschool. I know that is superficial but sometimes it makes things hard

 

You might not think a difference in education is a big deal, and you both may know that intellect and intelligence are not products of education, but that formal education is structure and encouragement of intellect and intelligence, but there will be resentment and bitterness that may grow over time. The fact that you even brought it up says that it is a concern right now - probably to both of you. That can and will affect every aspect of your relationship.

 

I don't want to say anything when he is acting this way because I don't want to deal with his bad attitude. I know that that is not healthy.

You are right. This is NOT healthy and it will only get worse if you stay together.

 

I love him a lot and I know he loves me. We have a lot of fun together, have alot of the same goals in life, and we have alot in common

you don't have enough in common, or the right priorities in common. Goals and priorities are different things. You want someone who will respect you and communicate with you. He doesn't do that. It sounds like he has a bad temper too.

 

I find it hard to relate to his life sometimes. Also, his friends are the stripper-dating, womanizing type and it bothers me that he's around them all the time (including his current roomate).

You can't change his life and to attempt to do so will only drive the wedge between you deeper. You could end up hating each other. You are not at the right point in your life to match his, and he's not at the right point in his life to match you.

 

He says he wants to go back to school and I know he really does, but he hasn't saved money and continues to party (which spends the money he could be saving for school).

Talk is cheap. If and when he is ready to go back to school he will. But he may never go back. He sounds way too immature to be in a committed relationship.

 

Lastly (sorry for the long drawn out posting!!), I find our sex life very unsatisfying

Again, the problems will just get worse. He is not ready.

 

 

I know I have my faults and I am not trying to blame this all on him. I have tried to compromise with him about things and work on things but he won't budge. Its like he thinks he does no wrong. I also feel bad because I don't think he had a rolemodel on how to be in relationships.

There shouldn't be any blame on either of you. The relationship just isn't meant to be. You enjoyed each other, allowed yourselves to feel something for each other, it's going to hurt a little to let go, but you will both be so much happier and better people in the long-run. he has to be himself in a relationship and if he doesn't have a rolemodel and wants to learn about himself and relationship then he can get some counseling -- it sounds like he's just not ready to settle down with one person.

 

Basically my question is, what do I do??

You know what you need to do.

 

I know that is broad but is there hope to save this relationship and make it healthy??

There is always hope. You could suggest some intensive couples counseling, and/or go to counseling yourself to learn about yourselves and your relationship and to get the tools you need to make good decisions. You COULD do all of this.

 

Or should I be moving on??

To me this sounds like what you should do.

 

How can you get someone to talk who refuses to and immediately goes on the defensive??

You can't. Quit wasting energy trying.

 

How do you know when its time to break-up?

There is no cut and dried answer. It depends on what you consider a deal-breaker, how much you are willing to compromise or tolerate, and how much your partner is willling to do. It sounds like it's time for you to break up with him and move on.

[northerngirl]

Thanks so much for the reply. I know that all you say is true...and girlfriends of mine have been saying the same for weeks. Its just soooo hard, and I'm sure everyone can relate. It's horrible to break-up with someone that you still love. And its also horrible to think about how that person will be hurting. I just don't know if I can do it.

One last question. Since we are doing the long-distance thing, is it absolutely horrible for me to break-up with him on the phone?

[HokeyReligions]

Some people might think it is, but I don't. I think I only had one face-to-face breakup - it was over the phone or via letter. You can achieve closure over the phone.

[northerngirl]

Ok,

I did it when he came to visit this weekend and I feel horrible! I hurt him so bad. He said if we ended things that he would hate me forever and never be able to get into another relationship. He said the time we spent together was completely wasted. This is so hard. He looked crushed.

I know he is going to call me and try to 'work things out'. Should I avoid the calls? I might give in if I talk to him and hear how bad he is hurting.