I hate porn. What can I do?

[Eoweniel]

I don't think that makes you boring. It just differentiates you from other types of women. Let me clarify. Porn isn't a necessity for me or my guy. It's just something we like. We're just as monogamous. My guy has a girl who does all sorts of cool sexual stuff with him. And yes, he's very happy. He also watches porn like a 13 year old.

 

 

That's also partially what I meant by saying guys probably find me boring. :/ Why settle for me, regardless of how sexual and open-minded I am, when they can have both...

[AlektraClementine]

That's also partially what I meant by saying guys probably find me boring. :/ Why settle for me, regardless of how sexual and open-minded I am, when they can have both...

 

Some men don't want both. I assume your guy doesn't right?

 

Just like I haven't been able to be in a relationship with men who are exclusively "missionary" men.

[missdependant]

There are plenty of vids with average looking girls. They are very "average" looking.

 

 

I think that just about every girl in porn is average looking. Like I mentioned before, they're all caked in make-up, the lighting is professional. If they were something really special, they'd be acting in REAL movies.. you know, the kind with REAL plots?

 

The only issue with porn is jealous girls. I'm not going to bash on girls for being insecure.. everyone has an issue with insecurity in some form or another.

 

But I think jealous, insecure people (this goes for males and females) are horribly unattractive. Especially when it comes to getting jealous over things that are completely shallow and trivial.

[Els]

My bf and I watch porn, and I've absolutely no issue with it. I share some of my favourites with him, actually.

 

It's perfectly fine to not like porn. But you've reached the area where not only do you dislike it, you do not want your partner to watch it. Different people have different reasons for that. Yours sounds mainly like you feel you're being compared to the models?

 

Does your bf do or say anything to make you feel that way? The main reason I'm fine with mine watching it is because I know for sure that he's mature and sensible enough to understand that porn is plain fiction, just like sci-fi movies and romance stories. That the actors are usually just faking it, that most of their bodies are fake anyway, that lots of camera and shooting tricks are used, that things should not be like that in real life.

 

The part about you not being able to look at penis but him being able to stare at all the pussy he likes is disturbing though.

[sadandugly]

My bf and I watch porn, and I've absolutely no issue with it. I share some of my favourites with him, actually.

 

It's perfectly fine to not like porn. But you've reached the area where not only do you dislike it, you do not want your partner to watch it. Different people have different reasons for that. Yours sounds mainly like you feel you're being compared to the models?

 

Does your bf do or say anything to make you feel that way? The main reason I'm fine with mine watching it is because I know for sure that he's mature and sensible enough to understand that porn is plain fiction, just like sci-fi movies and romance stories. That the actors are usually just faking it, that most of their bodies are fake anyway, that lots of camera and shooting tricks are used, that things should not be like that in real life.

 

The part about you not being able to look at penis but him being able to stare at all the pussy he likes is disturbing though.

 

Ok, well we've talked about this several times and he's told me something like "I need to be honest. Look, I love you and I think you're very attractive and sexy, and porn doesn't change that. However, yes, girls in porn are more attractive than average, they have to be, they have the ideal body that most men like. It doesn't mean anything and I think about you when I'm watching it ". I don't believe that last part. And I already know what he thinks of these girls' bodies. That they're "ideal", and I'm far from the ideal because I don't have big breasts, which he likes. I don't care if he likes my breasts too, if he likes another type of breasts better. It's like my breasts were second place to big ones. I want to be his ideal, you know? He's my ideal: he's taller than me, dark hair, tan skin, big, deep dark eyes, not skinny, but not fat and not too muscular. Has chest hair (waxed/shaved chests look gross to me), and his penis works great for me. So yeah... I wouldn't change anything about him, but I believe if he could change something about me, I'd have bigger breasts and be thinner. He says he loves my wide hips, so I should focus on that. But how many times do you see hips (not butt, but hips) sexualized in, I don't know, beer ads, as opposed to big breasts? Or in porn itself. There are far more "big tits" videos than "wide hips" ones...

 

So yeah, he might love me. It's great that he loves me, there is a lot more to love than just looks. But during sex, especially when he plays with my breasts, I can't help but feel inadequate that he'd like them better if they were bigger, like the ones he sees in porn. He's already said that's the ideal anyway.

 

And about the bolded part of the quote, that's what I also think it's unfair. It's all SO FAKE! And yet, just watching a few seconds of a clip is enough to turn any guy on. Even if it's so fake... it's just a matter of watching a bit of it for it to do its magic. Yet, me, a normal woman, who does things that are REAL, needs to work a bit more to turn him on. Even though he knows porn is fake, it doesn't matter, it turns him on just by sight! And I have to kiss him, lick him, etc. Shouldn't real be more of a turn on?

[missdependant]

Ok, well we've talked about this several times and he's told me something like "I need to be honest. Look, I love you and I think you're very attractive and sexy, and porn doesn't change that. However, yes, girls in porn are more attractive than average, they have to be, they have the ideal body that most men like. It doesn't mean anything and I think about you when I'm watching it ". I don't believe that last part. And I already know what he thinks of these girls' bodies. That they're "ideal", and I'm far from the ideal because I don't have big breasts, which he likes. I don't care if he likes my breasts too, if he likes another type of breasts better. It's like my breasts were second place to big ones. I want to be his ideal, you know? He's my ideal: he's taller than me, dark hair, tan skin, big, deep dark eyes, not skinny, but not fat and not too muscular. Has chest hair (waxed/shaved chests look gross to me), and his penis works great for me. So yeah... I wouldn't change anything about him, but I believe if he could change something about me, I'd have bigger breasts and be thinner. He says he loves my wide hips, so I should focus on that. But how many times do you see hips (not butt, but hips) sexualized in, I don't know, beer ads, as opposed to big breasts? Or in porn itself. There are far more "big tits" videos than "wide hips" ones...

 

So yeah, he might love me. It's great that he loves me, there is a lot more to love than just looks. But during sex, especially when he plays with my breasts, I can't help but feel inadequate that he'd like them better if they were bigger, like the ones he sees in porn. He's already said that's the ideal anyway.

 

And about the bolded part of the quote, that's what I also think it's unfair. It's all SO FAKE! And yet, just watching a few seconds of a clip is enough to turn any guy on. Even if it's so fake... it's just a matter of watching a bit of it for it to do its magic. Yet, me, a normal woman, who does things that are REAL, needs to work a bit more to turn him on. Even though he knows porn is fake, it doesn't matter, it turns him on just by sight! And I have to kiss him, lick him, etc. Shouldn't real be more of a turn on?

 

 

I have to ask.. did you come here for advice? Did you JUST come here to vent? Or are you looking for a bunch of people to agree with you?

 

Based on the first post you put up here, I could have sworn you were looking for help with the issue.

 

But why ask for help if you're going disregard what everyone has to say except for the people who are in agreement with your negative outlook on the matter?

[sadandugly]

I have to ask.. did you come here for advice? Did you JUST come here to vent? Or are you looking for a bunch of people to agree with you?

 

Based on the first post you put up here, I could have sworn you were looking for help with the issue.

 

But why ask for help if you're going disregard what everyone has to say except for the people who are in agreement with your negative outlook on the matter?

 

 

What? I was just answering her question if he had done anything that made me feel like he was comparing me to the models.

 

Look, lately I've been foeeling worse about this issue, so ye's I've been venting more. Also, I can't relate to women who like porn, just they can't relate to me. So I find it easier to relate to women who feel like me.

 

It doesn't mean that I'm not looking for help, but sometimes "get over it" doesn't help. I've heard that countless times before and it doesn't help. I have a huge conflict that is very painful, which is that I feel uncomfortable accepting men's nature of staring at phyisically attractive women. As I've said, I'm unattractive, I've been told that and proven that many, many times. Yet, I don't want to make him change or pressure him to stop watching it or anything. But it's a conflict for me. I am unattractive and even if I were to get a ton of make up done in my face, I'd still look more unattractive than women in porn. It's a fact. If I upset you or frustrate you well, I'm sorry, I'm not a girl looking for attention. I'm genuinely unattractive and it gets to me.

 

It's hard being unattractive, just like it's hard for people who're not very bright. But these are facts of life. Experience makes each individual react differently to situations in life, and of course I feel differently to his porn use based on my experience, which is that I've been mocked my whole life for being ugly and practically flat chested. So there. It would be like a girl who's not very bright feeling bad because her boyfriend is into smart chicks and has a lot of smart friends. Of course one feels inadequate.

 

Sorry if I sound rude now, but it's frustrating for me only to "get over it" like it was so easy. It's frustrating, because I KNOW I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Not him, me. I know, and it hurts to think I have a problem. It's upsetting and frustrating not being able to just get over it, easily. I wish I was more like you, honestly, being ale to like it, but I can't force myself...

 

So maybe I should just stop posting. I'm sorry that I upset you.

[missdependant]

You didn't upset me.. Your issue is more serious than it seems.

 

From what I gather, your self-image is the biggest problem here. I think you should seriously consider counseling. I'm not saying that in a condescending way, but you obviously have some big self-esteem matters that you need to get resolved. You probably aren't as unattractive as you say you are; most people aren't. I think you also feel sorry for yourself, like a victim, which is unhealthy. It sounds as though you want to control what your boyfriend does, though no one has a right to do this. What you should be doing is loving yourself (you will never be able to truly love someone unless you are able to love yourself first) and be accepting of your boyfriend as you took him. You can't change people, and if you start feeling that urge and acting on it, it's best to end the relationship. No one likes to be told what they "need" or "aren't allowed" to enjoy.

 

I'm not saying these things to be mean, I am saying these things, because porn should not be an issue. It will ALWAYS be around. Men will always have access to it. If it truly bothers you, and if it's something you can't move past you may consider being single for some period of time, then finding someone who shares your views on the subject. It's VERY rare to find men who don't indulge in visual stimulation.

 

Good luck.

[sadandugly]

You didn't upset me.. Your issue is more serious than it seems.

 

From what I gather, your self-image is the biggest problem here. I think you should seriously consider counseling. I'm not saying that in a condescending way, but you obviously have some big self-esteem matters that you need to get resolved. You probably aren't as unattractive as you say you are; most people aren't. I think you also feel sorry for yourself, like a victim, which is unhealthy. It sounds as though you want to control what your boyfriend does, though no one has a right to do this. What you should be doing is loving yourself (you will never be able to truly love someone unless you are able to love yourself first) and be accepting of your boyfriend as you took him. You can't change people, and if you start feeling that urge and acting on it, it's best to end the relationship. No one likes to be told what they "need" or "aren't allowed" to enjoy.

 

I'm not saying these things to be mean, I am saying these things, because porn should not be an issue. It will ALWAYS be around. Men will always have access to it. If it truly bothers you, and if it's something you can't move past you may consider being single for some period of time, then finding someone who shares your views on the subject. It's VERY rare to find men who don't indulge in visual stimulation.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the kind words. I mean, yes, I know I have a problem, my self-image is quite damaged. However, well, I don't know, I guess i've let other people influence how I feel about myself too much. I'm 20... I've been told how ugly I am since I was 6. I guess I should stop victimizing myself, because it can get annoying... I can be such a hypocrite sometimes.

 

But anyways, I haven't tried controlling him, not at all. I hate porn and probably won't ever like it... I just dislike the fact that women there are so perfect. Maybe not perfect, but they definitely are more appealing visually than me. Hey, I'm just stating a fact: they look better naked, despite the lighting, etc. It's just life. Yet I can't feel at ease with that fact. I guess I envy the attention they get from my boyfriend and how he reacts to them, and what's he's told me from an objective point of view (that they possess ideal bodies, they are more attractive than average women, etc.). We've talked about this and he knows how I feel... he's offered to stop, but I've declined. for the very reason you stated: I don't want to tell him what or what not to do. He's told me, for instance, to stop talking to my ex friend with benefits, and I did. However, I don't want to do the same. He knows how I feel, but I can't decide for him about what he does or doesn't do.

 

I agree with you that nowadays it's practically impossible to find a guy who doesn't watch porn. So I'll just have to keep my feelings of inadequacy to myself or write a journal, I don't know. I mean, I'd have to stay single forever if I wanted to find a man who is just as good as my boyfriend who on top doesn't watch porn. I could find the rare guy who doesn't watch it, but how do I know there won't be any other problems, like we're not compatible, for instance? So yes, I guess I'll have to do this for him. I mean, he had this amateur porn watching phase (he'd go to that yuvutu site). And I was totally at ease with that. But then he switched to Redtube and I started feeling this way.

 

But yeah, I have to take action about my self image problems.

 

Thank you, I know I've been quite stubborn, but I really appreciate your efforts in order to help me.

[Sexy Kitty]

I couldn't agree more with you Eoweniel and Sad and Ugly. I hate porn. I don't want my man watching it. I feel that I should be enough for him. I have always been this way and I always will be. I don't care what others say or if they think I'm fekked or have issues. That's me. There is always going to be issues in relationships whether is over porn or something else and there are always going to be people who have something to say but really they need to worry about their own lives and not be telling me I need help or whatever. To some porn might be something that doesnt bother them but something else might that I may think its stupid. But who I am to judge.

[missdependant]

he's told me from an objective point of view (that they possess ideal bodies, they are more attractive than average women, etc.)

 

How does your boyfriend treat you otherwise? Does he say demeaning things to you or say things to try and break you down? Personally, i think it's fu**ed up that he would say that to you. The only defense he should need to make is that it's something that he enjoys. Unless you were pressing for the answer. But it would have been ideal that he said something to smooth the conversation out like "You are prettier than average women too.. so what's the big deal?" (It doesn't have to be true, though it probably would be).

 

I highly doubt you are as unattractive as you say you are. You definitely need a confidence boost. Do whatever it takes, because it's healthier to be confident than it is to be insecure. If it means going out and getting your nails done, maybe buying a few new outfits or even some sexy lingire; buying a gym membership.. then do it.

 

Also, you should look into some counseling programs. You can usually talk to your county's health department if you're not sure where to start looking.

[mental_traveller]

There are some choices. You could restrict yourself to guys who don't watch porn at all, or ones who find it distasteful, or (to be more realistic) guys who only watch it occasionally and would be fine with stopping (or if you are fine with them watching a few times a year when you're not around - kinda don't ask, don't tell).

 

Alternatively, you could hope your boyfriend grows out of it. When I was that age I used to watch lots of porn, kinda out of curiosity as to what was out of there. Nowadays I watch porn occasionally, and never if I am dating someone who lives near me and I can meet often. If I was living with a woman I wouldn't watch it at all. Not out of any principle, but I just prefer the real thing to watching strangers bonk on a screen. So if I can go from watching porn several times a week, to several times a year, so can your bf.

 

Also you might want to try spicing up your love life with him. IMO lots of porn watching stems from sexual frustration in guys. I know if I am happy sexually in a relationship, I don't have any urge to watch porn unless I'm away from my gf for a few weeks.

[mental_traveller]

Sigh... feeling a bit low still... had an argument with him last night. We were cuddling on the couch, watching TV and some of those late-night HBO-type sex shows was on (while he was surfing through the channels), two busty girls were naked and making out. He left it on "for a joke" he said. Horrible joke. He said he's a man, he likes to look at naked women, all men do, and so what?

 

Why do I have such a hard time accepting men's nature? I hate having to think that I passively have to accept that he likes looking at other naked women who have all the time in the world and all the money in the world to work on their bodies while I have a life. I'll never look like them, therefore, I'll never feel sexy. I'm just TOO plain looking compared to them, even if they're 300% fake whores! I still feel inferior compared to them, especially since I'd never engage in a threesome or bisexual activities.

 

I hate feeling like such a prude, why can't I be one of those "cool" girlfriends who dig all this?

 

Sexiness is not all about pure looks. I've had a relationship with a woman who was pretty enough that even other women would sometimes approach her and chat her up, but our sex life sucked because she was really up tight in bed. I've dated plain women and had a great love life because we clicked physically and they loved being naughty in between the sheets. Believe me, I would prefer someone plain who's a great shag to someone stunning who is frigid. Not to mention, with basic grooming and dress you can boost your looks a fair bit.

 

As for your bf, his behaviour isn't because he's a man, it's because he's insensitive. I personally think I have the right to watch as much porn as I like, and would never stop because a gf said so. However, I would definitely not rub it in her face if I knew she hated it - whereas your bf apparently is happy to flaunt his habit even though he knows you dislike it a lot.

 

IMO the main issue here isn't porn. It's your low confidence and his insensitivity.

[Scottdmw]

Hi OP, thought I'd throw my two cents in here.

 

I'm one of those “very rare” guys that doesn't watch porn. We do exist, believe it or not. Personally, it's something that I stay away from for a couple of reasons. I find it uncomfortably addictive, in the past when I've watched it I found it somewhat difficult to stay away unless I stopped watching completely. I started wondering if it was damaging my ability to relate to a real woman. An analogy that I thought about a lot was what would happen if you ate candy and ice cream all the time to the point where real nutritious food didn't seem so appealing anymore? If I was used to instant gratification, how would I react to a woman who had needs of her own rather than being ready at the flick of a button for me? And, I definitely thought that porn had a far stronger pull on me personally than candy or ice cream. Then you read about the stories of men who end up watching it for dozens of hours a week, at work, when they're taking care of their kids, etc. It sure seems like it can be a problem for some people.

 

I don't blame you for disliking the fact that your boyfriend watches it. I think it's a perfectly natural reaction, and that women today have been sold a bill of goods that it's something they just have to deal with. It is not. Sometimes I kind of wish you would all just say enough, and stop putting up with it. But I suppose it's kind of difficult.

 

I do empathize with your difficult position, where you have a guy that you like most of the things about except for this. Everybody has some problem, there is never a perfect fit. So, maybe it is worth it to you to stay with him and try to make it work despite the porn. You could choose to leave him and try to find someone that doesn't use it. You can even try to encourage him to stop for his own sake. If you wanted to go this way, I would suggest this. Don't tell him he has to stop. Don't try to force it. But, if he brings it up go ahead and express your dismay and sadness. Let him see occasionally at least how BADLY it makes you feel. Don't give him a solution or a course of action, just tell him what you feel. If he cares about you, it may motivate him to change. If it doesn't motivate him to at least sincerely try to change to some extent (maybe not go so far as quit watching but reduce his watching), I would say it's a strong sign he doesn't care about you very much.

 

Your feelings of dislike for porn are every bit as legitimate as his desire for it. Put another way, it is just as inherent in your nature to dislike porn as it is in his nature to desire it. This is not your problem that you have to deal with, it is an issue between you as a couple that you have to solve together.

 

Men really hate to be controlled. However, it is equally true that many men will rise to great levels of effort to be the man that the women they love needs. This is where honest communication comes in, letting him know how you truly feel without making explicit demands.

 

 

Best wishes,

 

Scott

[sadandugly]

Sorry I hadn't written in a while. Thanks for those who have been trying to help me. I know I can be quite difficult sometimes and stubborn, but the support is greatly appreciated.

 

The other day we talked and his point stands. These women ARE hotter, but he doesn't respect them, that he thinks they're probably dumb and conceited, and that he only admires them from a physical point of view. It still makes me uncomfortable, but at least he was reassuring as to say that to him it's more than looks what matters the most and that I'm pretty hot anyway (although I don't feel it, but I guess that's my issue).

 

He says he loves me and adores me and that no amount of porn can change that. He said that he only watches it when we've not had sex for a while (we don't live together, we live with our families, so we can't do it everyday). That when we have sex regularly, he doesn't get the urge. I guess I don't want him to stop because I don't think it's a solution. "Hotter" women are everywhere anyway, on TV, magazines, on every piece of advertisement... it's pretty invasive, in my opinion. But I just have to accept this is how society works and that sex sells. Of course, in porn these women are in much more explicit situations, but even if he stopped watching porn, he'd be able to ogle "hotter" women on TV, etc.

 

Sigh... I just think no matter what, I will never like it, not with him, not with anyone. But that's me. I guess just as I have to accept his (or any other man's) desire to watch porn, they HAVE TO accept that I dislike it. Hey, as long as I tolerate their usage of it (which is what I'm doing, I guess... maybe I'm doing it wrong?), they MUST accept that I dislike it and will feel inadequate. He wants me to stop feeling inadequate as though I should like it or something, and that I won't do. I guess I can tolerate it, just don't ask me to be indifferent to it.

[burnsrunner]

I can't tell you how many ppl I have come across that have complained about porn ruining their relationship. There are not too many resources out there that offer honest and open support for this issue other than forums like this one. Try getting the book, "Love and Pornography," by Victoria Prater and Garry Prater. The authors developed an approach to dealing with porn based on discovering and understanding the true needs for each person. A very honest book in my opinion.