SidLyon Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Because I believe it's for the best when it comes to his kids. I want to be the one who brings him back to life after divorce, not the one who wrecked their family. I want a chance with them, and this is the only way I see that being possible. I think what you are saying is that you want to deceive them. People seem to forget that in a few short years kids grow up - turn into teenagers and adults. Believe me older kids and adults who find out they've been lied to about such matters whether it be their parentage or the way in which one of their parents or stepparents behaved can be very, very unforgiving; sometimes vengeful too. S Link to post Share on other sites
Author Full Of Hope Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 I think what you are saying is that you want to deceive them. People seem to forget that in a few short years kids grow up - turn into teenagers and adults. Believe me older kids and adults who find out they've been lied to about such matters whether it be their parentage or the way in which one of their parents or stepparents behaved can be very, very unforgiving; sometimes vengeful too. You're right. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I guess I hope by then they'll love me so much it won't matter. I know, wishful thinking....but my name is FOH for a reason! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 She doesn't know he was here, so she wouldn't assume he was with me. She thinks he went to Boston...and I do not live in Boston. Why does she need to be lied to if the break up is in the works? Doesn't it bother you that your relationship needs to remain a secret? I guess, if I were you I would feel much better if he validated you by making the relationship public. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Full Of Hope Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Why does she need to be lied to if the break up is in the works? Doesn't it bother you that your relationship needs to remain a secret? I guess, if I were you I would feel much better if he validated you by making the relationship public. I want it to remain a secret for now. I believe it's for the best. Again, I don't want to be known as the reason his marriage ended. I want to be the superhero that flies in at the end and saves him from a life of misery. Keep in mind that I'll be moving away from everything and everyone I know. I won't have a chance in that town if my reputation precedes me. Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I tried to edit my previous post but was too late. Anyway here's what I said: Further editing: as their mother already knows about you it seems unlikely that the kids won't find out eventually. Many BW will not be complicit in keeping quiet about the A. They consider affairs (and OW too) by definition, to be dirty little secrets that like mushrooms, thrive in the dark by being fed bulls..t. Many As do not survive when the light is shone on them for what they are. I do know that when I found out about my H's affair I let him know that I would not be complicit in keeping his dirty little secrets for him, as that in effect would allow the situation in which the A thrived to continue. He still chose to stay with me. I think you are in a very precarious position. S PS Can anybody please help me with how to intersperse my comments? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 But you ARE the reason why he's ending his marriage!!!! He's leaving his wife for you, so please, just be upfront and honest about it. That is, if he actually goes through with this. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I want it to remain a secret for now. I believe it's for the best. Again, I don't want to be known as the reason his marriage ended. I want to be the superhero that flies in at the end and saves him from a life of misery. Keep in mind that I'll be moving away from everything and everyone I know. I won't have a chance in that town if my reputation precedes me. Well, I understand that. I am assuming it's a smaller community? As much as I am sure his marriage was "over" long before he met you- I am wondering- does it bother you that you have to remain a secret? I don't know- I am of the mid set that a good woman should be validated. It would bother me to know I had to hide a relationship. There is something intrinsically exciting to step out in public with the person you love. What if the two of you make a life with one another and things get tough... Have you considered he might bail on tough times and start an affair behind your back? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 When he talked to his wife about leaving, it wasn't because of me. It was because he is miserable there. He's been very careful not to make this about me. Better to leave for other reasons... Yeah, but since she knows about you, how stupid do you have to believe she is to think that she will separate his leaving her from his relationship with you? She's going to look for a reason, other than herself, and it's going to be you. It already is. Don't fool yourself; be aware that that will be her perception, no matter how strong a case you think you can make otherwise. She doesn't know he was here, so she wouldn't assume he was with me. She thinks he went to Boston...and I do not live in Boston. Again, be careful assuming what she knows... It was my boss who went to the board, not him. He (boss) had really good reasons to transfer me....we just didn't expect all the questions. We figured they wouldn't care either way which team I was on. We were mistaken. I knew it was your "friend-before-all-of-this-started" boss; that's who I was referring to when I say "he" took one in the shorts for you in front of the Board. But his reasons weren't good enough, and he didn't have the answers when they probed... Oh well, I hope he didn't take too big a hit. And remember, if you eventually quit and move there anyway, and the whole story gets put together, they may still be looking at it and saying "WTF?" when they realize that he (your boss) had an ulterior motive, and wasn't being straight with them... My kids were here for 6 or 7 of the days he was here. The rest of the time they were with their Dad. I think a lot about what you said in my other thread...about the kids. Mine are so young it had never really occured to me that they would be affected. I actually talked to their Dad about everything after I read that post. I really took it to heart. We think we have a pretty good plan for keeping their relationship with him in tact, no matter where we live. OK... I'm glad you are giving it some serious thought. Their bonds with both parents are important... Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 So you are quitting your job and moving there? You have indicated that your kid's father won't mind you moving them out of state (different than most dad's, I have to say), so I assume one of these guys will be helping you out financially with the move and with your living expenses since you will be jobless? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 He's flying by the seat of his pants because his therapist pissed him off. guess he couldn't handle the truth Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 He started to tell his kids this week. When they started to get upset and how do you feel about that? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I want it to remain a secret for now. I believe it's for the best. Again, I don't want to be known as the reason his marriage ended. I want to be the superhero that flies in at the end and saves him from a life of misery. Keep in mind that I'll be moving away from everything and everyone I know. I won't have a chance in that town if my reputation precedes me. Seriously? Didn't you say in your other thread that the wife knows about you? That you spoke to her? Do you really think you can move to the town where the wife lives with her children and she will allow you to be seen by anybody as the superhero who brings the poor MM back to life after a tragic divorce? If you move to her town and move in in with her ex-husband and she has to look at you on a regular basis, she will make sure that everybody who knows them know that YOU broke up their marriage. You will be painted as an untrustworthy husband stealer. Nobody is going to see you as a superhero. Even if she doesn't know that you are still seeing MM right now, she WILL figure it out when you move to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Sweet Jesus, Fire in the hole. Red Alert, Red Alert. You go , girl. A man will move mountains for the woman he loves. Banzai!!!! and some of those men will shove their kids aside for another woman.....sad Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I want to be the superhero that flies in at the end and saves him from a life of misery. Sadly for you, you won't be. As much as you seem to have this all laid out nice and pretty, that you two will instantly have a life together, you have NO idea what's waiting around the corner, let alone all the baggage this guy has. You're not the superhero and to imply that you're gonna save the day, shield him or whatever, is just plain nuts. Sorry to be harsh, but when this hits the fan, you're going to need support. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 I don't think it sounds like it is ever going to happen though - the guy sounds like he is FULL of BS and just stringing you along - sorry... Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Most MM don't take things to this level unless they're dead serious about getting out of their marriage. I agree with you, FOH, that this will have a happy ending. Despite some opinions here, he really isn't leaving his marriage for you, he's leaving it because he's had enough of his bad marriage - for whatever reason. I wish you guys the best. I'm sure you'll have a beautiful life. Link to post Share on other sites
Got Me Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Most MM don't take things to this level unless they're dead serious about getting out of their marriage. I agree with you, FOH, that this will have a happy ending. Despite some opinions here, he really isn't leaving his marriage for you, he's leaving it because he's had enough of his bad marriage - for whatever reason. I wish you guys the best. I'm sure you'll have a beautiful life. I agree. I WISH my MM had taken things this far already. I've been the OW for a lot longer than FOH, and we aren't even close to this level. She's a lucky little lady. I wish FOH a life of rainbows and unicorns PhoenixRise, I'll answer for her. She did say that the wife knows about her. But she also said the wife believes the A is over. I think if enough time passes her story will be able to stick. As long as she doesn't move in as soon as he moves out that is. Pretty sure she has this planned down to the very last detail. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 As an impartial observer of both of FoH's threads, I feel compelled to address the rampant speculation that her MM's marriage was "bad," or he had a "life of misery". Anyone who cares to can read through her previous thread, in which she herself quite clearly states that there was nothing wrong with his marriage, and he found nothing wrong with his wife. He was a little bored, maybe, then he started spending a lot of time with Full of Hope at work. She states this as a cause of her feeling guilty. So...which is it? "Life of misery" or "slightly bored"? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 My guess would be that FOH has to keep telling herself it was a bad marriage or else that would mean Mr Wonderful is nothing but a cheat who can't be trusted --- oh wait, he is that anyway because most adults who are mature would end one relationship before starting another. And for all the cheerleaders, just because this man has spoken WORDS of divorce doesn't mean he has made any ACTION of doing it. In fact, he is at home with is wife right now; maybe snuggled on the couch watching TV. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 He will help his wife with the dishes (or he may be a pig and expect her to do it). They will talk about their day, they will watch the news, they will watch a DVD or a tv program together. Then he will head back to his wife who is sitting on the couch. They may have dessert before retiring for the evening. The next day, the scene will replay again, but maybe one of the kids has a soccer game that they will go to, and they will sit in the stands and root Oh, please! The guy is having an affair and the situation at home is, oh, so idillic! His situation at home must completely blow and is tension all the way. I bet they are not even talking unless is absolutely necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Full Of...I absolutely laughed my head off at your avvy. Too funny!:laugh: I like you. Not sure why. You seem very innocent and naive. I think many, many people will learn and gain loads from your threads. This will absolutely not end well. I'd love to hear what he told you over the last few days. You know I'll pick it all apart, right? But I want you to be happy. I do. I just know with everything I have in me, that this will end in disaster. I want the best for you and your kids, Full Of. I do. But you're absolutely barking up the wrong tree with this guy. He's nothing but an escape for you now. He's not your destiny. No way. Link to post Share on other sites
Got Me Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 My guess would be that FOH has to keep telling herself it was a bad marriage or else that would mean Mr Wonderful is nothing but a cheat who can't be trusted --- oh wait, he is that anyway because most adults who are mature would end one relationship before starting another. And for all the cheerleaders, just because this man has spoken WORDS of divorce doesn't mean he has made any ACTION of doing it. In fact, he is at home with is wife right now; maybe snuggled on the couch watching TV. You must have been hurt very bad. There is nothing wrong with having faith in someone you love. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 There is nothing wrong with having faith in someone you love. This affair of hers is MUCH different than most around here. It's long distance and she doesn't see him very often. It's basically online. Sorry, but it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that the chances of this guy actually doing what he 'says' he going to do will happen. FOH is going to be VERY devastated if things don't go her way and to the "plan." Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I agree with WWIU - If you do move there, everyone is going to know the truth. If you try to lie to the children, they are going to resent you far more than they will already. There's nothing whatsoever you will be able to do to change this. You're never going to seem like a superhero, and the more you continue this line of thought of decieving them the worse they will see you as. Granted, he is not thinking of his children completely; the very thought that he refrained from further telling them once they got upset says it all. They are going to upset, they are going to get angry, and although their father is just as much to blame as you are, they are going to channel all that bitterness onto you. Eventually, this is going to have a toll on him too. I wouldn't even doubt instead of taking responsibility for the turmoil he will have caused his children as they began acting out, he doesn't start blaming you and harboring resentment also. I doubt he's going to say "Wow, I was a bad father, look what I've done to my children." No, at some point it's going to turn into " I can't believe this witch manipulated and tricked me! Look what a mess she's made!". Fwiw, I don't think you manipulated or tricked him into anything either, I think he's a big boy and walked into this mess all on his own. But seeing your children hurt and having to deal with it; which he's already SHOWN he cannot handle and does not tolerate well is another thing. This is a hot mess just waiting to unravel. And that's IF he leaves his wife, meaning if he does; it's actually going to get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 You must have been hurt very bad. There is nothing wrong with having faith in someone you love. Really? Can I suppose that you would give this rosy advice to the MM's wife at this moment? Link to post Share on other sites
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