Mayday, Mayday!

[Got Me]

Really? Can I suppose that you would give this rosy advice to the MM's wife at this moment?

 

Good point. Maybe it only applies when they love you back.

 

IMO, there are two kinds of affairs. There is the "sex driven" A, and the "soulmate driven" A.

 

Sometimes you meet "the one" too late. It's the reason affairs like FOH's and mine exist.

[JMC]

I like FOH too. I've learned a lot from her in these posts, and not about affairs.

[hoping2heal]

Good point. Maybe it only applies when they love you back.

 

IMO, there are two kinds of affairs. There is the "sex driven" A, and the "soulmate driven" A.

 

Sometimes you meet "the one" too late. It's the reason affairs like FOH's and mine exist.

 

 

Okay, apparently I'm not a hopeless romantic.

 

Is it crazy for me to believe that "the one" that "soulmate" kind of love, DOESN'T involve deception, and hurting. Doesn't involve crushing innocent children, and decieving them too?

 

Am I totally off my rocker to believe that if it was "meant to be" it wouldn't involve becoming a liar and deciever to the people around you?

 

I know I come off like the cynical A-hole of the bunch, but really? If I had to hurt the people closest to me, and break my values to attain a million dollars, would I really run down the street relishing in the bliss? It's like Bernie Madoff going honey! we're rich! Yeah, but being rich involved decieving a lot of innocent people. A lot of people stood to suffer and affairs like this with the children involved, and all the talk of further lying and decieving them..I mean, is this what "soul mate" love is about, really?

 

I'm not even calling anyone a "bad person" but if you have to do "bad things" to attain something, is it really soulmate/meant to be/dreamy romantic love?

[NoIDidn't]

Everytime I read a post by FoH, I imagine a small child holding their hands over their ears saying "la la la la la. I can't hear you".

 

Like or dislike her, this story is not going to end well unless she comes back her and posts lies to save face.

 

And she's already posted plenty of the lies that he's told her. Whoever it was that posted that he is "going through the trouble" of doing something, obviously doesn't know what that looks like. He lied to his W about a business trip. That's not trouble, that's just lying to cover his behind so he can come back home to his W without any problems.

 

But if FoH wants to believe in fairytales as an adult, who am I to tell her differently?

[2sunny]

well FOH let me give you a situation and you tell me if it will end well...

 

yep, 2sunny has a love of her life. he is 3,000 miles away. he loves me dearly and i love him. we have communication.

 

then there is the reality. WE are not together. the communication isn't every day, in person, all day long, enough to know the good, bad and the ugly.

 

what does that look like? it is a fantasy - really... it is - only because it's NOT REALITY. it can look any way it wants from MY perspective - then he may have HIS perspective - THEN there is REALITY.

 

ALL three versions may very well be true and correct... or may be something totally different too!

 

does that mean that anything will come of any of it? nope! that is the reality.

[sugarmomma]

I can't believe you guys are still posting about this! Just a bunch of hot air, foolishness and nonsense.

 

Please stop!! Let us know how this works for you!

[Trimmer]

You must have been hurt very bad. There is nothing wrong with having faith in someone you love.

Really? Can I suppose that you would give this rosy advice to the MM's wife at this moment?

Good point. Maybe it only applies when they love you back.

Or pretend to?

 

IMO, there are two kinds of affairs. There is the "sex driven" A, and the "soulmate driven" A.

Or, behind door number 3: the kind that you start out believing is the latter, but you eventually find out was the former...

 

 

Most MM don't take things to this level unless they're dead serious about getting out of their marriage. I agree with you, FOH, that this will have a happy ending.

Could you please recap, just to what level has the OP's MM taken things?

 

He said he talked to his wife about making a plan for what they will do with their marriage and about their family.

 

He SAID that he TALKED about MAKING A PLAN to do something that is only hazily specified. We can't even tell if the BW understands she's headed for a divorce at this point.

 

"Dead serious" is when papers are filed and the case starts winding its way through all the obstacles like parenting plans and financial support. Money, meet mouth.

 

Talking about talking about making a plan is still a few "levels" removed from that.

[hoping2heal]

Indeed. OP mentioned that he tried to tell his kids, but when they began getting upset he ended it there. That's the thing, once the kids really get riled up, he isn't trully going to go through with this. He's already showing that with actions, it's a tell tale sign.

[jj33]

Exactly Trimmer. He SAID he talked to her about making a plan. He SAID he started to talk to the children.

 

Whether he did or not is an open question.

 

Even if he did, there is a 50/50 chance that he will leave. That leaves a 50% chance that he will decide (and perhaps sincerely so) that he really wants to leave, but feels that it is not possible.

 

In all fairness to FoH, he may be sincere. But ending a marriage can complicated emotionally and sometimes people want to leave but when they look at the bigger picture, decide that it is just not practical.

 

So they are left still in love with the OW, but married for the greater good.

 

I hope that doesnt happen to FoH.

[hoping2heal]

I agree with you jj. I believe that's also why he became so angry with the therapist. Because deep down in his heart of hearts, he knows the play she called is true. It's a bit like when you were younger, and you were determined to do something, and your mother told you that your feelings would change. At the time, you get very angry because you know deep down she's right, but you don't want to believe it yourself.

[fooled once]

You must have been hurt very bad. There is nothing wrong with having faith in someone you love.

 

HUH?

 

Of course there is nothing wrong with having faith in someone you love -- just ask the wife of the man FOH is sleeping with. She has faith in her husband And what did that get her? A man who cheats on her.

[fooled once]

Okay, apparently I'm not a hopeless romantic.

 

Is it crazy for me to believe that "the one" that "soulmate" kind of love, DOESN'T involve deception, and hurting. Doesn't involve crushing innocent children, and decieving them too?

 

Am I totally off my rocker to believe that if it was "meant to be" it wouldn't involve becoming a liar and deciever to the people around you?

 

I know I come off like the cynical A-hole of the bunch, but really? If I had to hurt the people closest to me, and break my values to attain a million dollars, would I really run down the street relishing in the bliss? It's like Bernie Madoff going honey! we're rich! Yeah, but being rich involved decieving a lot of innocent people. A lot of people stood to suffer and affairs like this with the children involved, and all the talk of further lying and decieving them..I mean, is this what "soul mate" love is about, really?

 

I'm not even calling anyone a "bad person" but if you have to do "bad things" to attain something, is it really soulmate/meant to be/dreamy romantic love?

 

Excellent post!!

 

When relationships are built on lies and deceit, very few can build a house on top of that.

 

IF he truly LOVED FOH, he would cut off contact with her, take care of his marriage/divorce and after getting himself re-settled and life settled down, then he would go to FOH and see if she is still available. If he was honorable, he would NOT be sneaking around on his wife.

 

IF he was honorable, he wouldn't put his 'love' FOH in a position where she will be the scape goat for the demise of his marriage.

 

IF he was honorable, he would be truthful with is wife and instead of playing these games, he would end his marriage and allow his wife the chance to move on, get tested for STD's and find someone who will be true to her and not a cheater.

[Stung]

 

Could you please recap, just to what level has the OP's MM taken things?

 

He said he talked to his wife about making a plan for what they will do with their marriage and about their family.

 

He SAID that he TALKED about MAKING A PLAN to do something that is only hazily specified. We can't even tell if the BW understands she's headed for a divorce at this point.

 

"Dead serious" is when papers are filed and the case starts winding its way through all the obstacles like parenting plans and financial support. Money, meet mouth.

 

Talking about talking about making a plan is still a few "levels" removed from that.

 

This made me laugh, Trimmer. My partner started talking about making a plan to take a vacation sometime soon, and I got irritated with him, because we actually need to get away for a weekend and I know full well that his vague plan-talking means it's not actually gonna happen.

 

He also talks about making a plan for tackling our closets. And making a plan to figure out our wills.

 

When he's actually prepared to do something, he actually sits down, makes the plan, and then executes as much of it as he can then and there.

[Lyssa]

When he's actually prepared to do something, he actually sits down, makes the plan, and then executes as much of it as he can then and there.

 

A real man will plan and execute it rather than just talk about making plans and do nothing after that.