Mayday, Mayday!

[NoIDidn't]

Now, following the person around may put you at odds with the authorities and seem stalker-ish, and while I mostly agree, sometimes a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do, especially in THIS kind of circumstance to get the truth...I know I would have taken a fllight out there and done some of my own investigating! I guess I'm a stalker? (scary music)

 

LOL. I wonder if FoH should consider surprising him at his home considering he says he's getting divorced?

 

I think she should, but I think he'll say she's a stalker.

 

BTW, I agree with you. LOL. I *know* I'm a stalker. :laugh: Somethings you just gotta know for yourself. Nothing wrong with it unless it becomes unhealthy habit.

[complicatedlife]

LOL. I wonder if FoH should consider surprising him at his home considering he says he's getting divorced?

 

I think she should, but I think he'll say she's a stalker.

 

BTW, I agree with you. LOL. I *know* I'm a stalker. :laugh: Somethings you just gotta know for yourself. Nothing wrong with it unless it becomes unhealthy habit.

 

SUSTAINED! (slams down gavel) LOL. I agree - nothing wrong with it unless it becomes unhealthy....

 

Really, seriously, she should go out there, IMHO, initially he might be upset, but if he's serious about leaving, he'd get over it. I think that would be the "normal" response for a man in this situation. BUT....I'd wait a day before alerting him and "watch" his interactions from the sidelines!

[2sure]

Stalker Smalker...I can never for the life of me understand why people feel it might be impolite to someone else to verify what is going on in your own life.

 

I would have zero issue with just knocking on the door. MY life. I need to know, for real and for myself, what is happening and what I'm basing decisions on.

I mean, if you dont KNOW, if you have any question....find out for yourself.

[Trimmer]

Stalker Smalker...I can never for the life of me understand why people feel it might be impolite to someone else to verify what is going on in your own life.

 

I would have zero issue with just knocking on the door. MY life. I need to know, for real and for myself, what is happening and what I'm basing decisions on.

I mean, if you dont KNOW, if you have any question....find out for yourself.

My issue isn't so much with the politeness of it, but just a matter of personal safety. Immediate, in-the-moment surprise and shock might turn out ok 98% of the time, but if there is some kind of fuel there that you aren't aware of, you don't want to be the spark that ignites some kind of a conflagration, if there's any chance of your personal safety being put at risk.

 

Again, note I'm not commenting on the propriety, the politeness, appropriateness, or any of that - on which I have separate feelings. I'm strictly saying: consider your personal safety, in a situation where you have very little insight into the variables that are behind that door you're knocking on.

[2sure]

All true, very risky, agreed. A last resort perhaps...but given the amount of gaslighting some people are subjected to....I say "why wonder?"

 

Then again, my personal safety has been something Ive been known to neglect. Curiosity killed the cat and all that.

[NoIDidn't]

All true, very risky, agreed. A last resort perhaps...but given the amount of gaslighting some people are subjected to....I say "why wonder?"

 

Then again, my personal safety has been something Ive been known to neglect. Curiosity killed the cat and all that.

 

Personal safety and sanity sometimes go hand in hand.

 

I say carry mace and a cell phone on that little "errand", and tell friends where you are going and what to do if they don't hear from you in a reasonable amount of time.

 

There are ways to secure one's personal safety, even in these situations.

[fooled once]

For me, if you have to have a PI to find out about your married boyfriend (and really, can someone really be your boyfriend if they are legally married to someone else) - then there is an issue.

 

Most of us agree that this MM is having his cake and eating it too.

 

He likes that FOH is young, naive and full of "hope". That just means that he can't screw up in her eyes because she isn't as mature and knowledgable as him.

 

He can lie to his wife.

 

He can lie to FoH.

 

And both still bed him at night.

 

But at the end of the day, he may be out there for a night or two, but he will return home to his wife, his kids, his family. He will have dinner with them, do homework with them, remind them to pick up their clothes. He will help his wife with the dishes (or he may be a pig and expect her to do it). They will talk about their day, they will watch the news, they will watch a DVD or a tv program together.

 

And when he goes pee, he will send FoH a quick text telling her how much he misses her, how lonely he is, how he misses her.

 

Then he will head back to his wife who is sitting on the couch. They may have dessert before retiring for the evening. They will go upstairs to their bedroom, each get ready for bed (brushing their teeth, maybe flossing too) and then they will get into their bed that they share. They may hold hands while watching the evening news, they may spoon. He may rub her back. They will turn off the light, kiss each other good night and fall asleep.

 

The wife will fall asleep knowing her husband, who told her earlier in the day that he loves her, is beside her.

 

The husband will try to figure out how lucky he was to not only have a wife who is a loving, devoted wife and mother, but a younger woman on the side who listens and believes every lie out of his mouth. He will wonder if he will need a Plan E. Maybe he will get out of bed while his wife sleeps and sneak a quick phone call to FoH to reassure her of his undying love.

 

And the next day, the scene will replay again, but maybe one of the kids has a soccer game that they will go to, and they will sit in the stands and root on their child. So proud when the child scores a goal or blocks a shot. They will look at each other with such pride and happiness in their eyes.

 

And maybe MM will be able to sneak a quick text to FoH to ensure she stays enthralled with him; because she truly believes all the lies he tells. He will again congratulate himself on what a great job of deception he has done. Maybe that night he will get the kids to bed early so he can have some fun time with is wife

[jj33]

Fooled Once you said that so well.

 

And even if he doesnt tell his W that he loves her, even if they fight, even if they watch TV in separate rooms, even if he doesnt rub her back and they dont sleep together, he is still there.

 

He is still married to her, he is still going home at night to her, he is still her husband and they have whatever life they have together. And FofH will still be alone hoping that maybe tomorrow will be the day that he will really leave for good.

 

And that could go on for years.... and that is no way for FofH to live.

[fooled once]

Yep - and if something happened to him, it will be his wife at his side. It will be his wife making choices/decision for him and for their family.

 

FoH probably won't even know about it -- unless the boss who knows of the affair and seems to have no problem with his married co-worker/subordinate cheating with another co-worker. And I have never heard of a manager/boss ever thinking this is a good idea. When it blows up, and it probably will, he is left with a mess and two employees who will have issues and won't be focusing on work, which is what he pays them to focus on.

 

And you are right jj - he goes home to his wife each night.

[dobler33]

For me, if you have to have a PI to find out about your married boyfriend (and really, can someone really be your boyfriend if they are legally married to someone else) - then there is an issue.

 

Most of us agree that this MM is having his cake and eating it too.

 

He likes that FOH is young, naive and full of "hope". That just means that he can't screw up in her eyes because she isn't as mature and knowledgable as him.

 

He can lie to his wife.

 

He can lie to FoH.

 

And both still bed him at night.

 

But at the end of the day, he may be out there for a night or two, but he will return home to his wife, his kids, his family. He will have dinner with them, do homework with them, remind them to pick up their clothes. He will help his wife with the dishes (or he may be a pig and expect her to do it). They will talk about their day, they will watch the news, they will watch a DVD or a tv program together.

 

And when he goes pee, he will send FoH a quick text telling her how much he misses her, how lonely he is, how he misses her.

 

Then he will head back to his wife who is sitting on the couch. They may have dessert before retiring for the evening. They will go upstairs to their bedroom, each get ready for bed (brushing their teeth, maybe flossing too) and then they will get into their bed that they share. They may hold hands while watching the evening news, they may spoon. He may rub her back. They will turn off the light, kiss each other good night and fall asleep.

 

The wife will fall asleep knowing her husband, who told her earlier in the day that he loves her, is beside her.

 

The husband will try to figure out how lucky he was to not only have a wife who is a loving, devoted wife and mother, but a younger woman on the side who listens and believes every lie out of his mouth. He will wonder if he will need a Plan E. Maybe he will get out of bed while his wife sleeps and sneak a quick phone call to FoH to reassure her of his undying love.

 

And the next day, the scene will replay again, but maybe one of the kids has a soccer game that they will go to, and they will sit in the stands and root on their child. So proud when the child scores a goal or blocks a shot. They will look at each other with such pride and happiness in their eyes.

 

And maybe MM will be able to sneak a quick text to FoH to ensure she stays enthralled with him; because she truly believes all the lies he tells. He will again congratulate himself on what a great job of deception he has done. Maybe that night he will get the kids to bed early so he can have some fun time with is wife

 

 

 

AAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!! this just described my entire EA. god, it is just so painful and enraging to think about. i really, really, really hope this is not what's happening to you, FoH. take it from some cake that got had and eaten too. don't allow yourself to be cake. revenge of the cake. cakes, rise up. cakes unite. cakes say: yes we can! run, cake, run!!!!!

[SidLyon]

Originally Posted by fooled once

For me, if you have to have a PI to find out about your married boyfriend (and really, can someone really be your boyfriend if they are legally married to someone else) - then there is an issue.

 

Most of us agree that this MM is having his cake and eating it too.

 

He likes that FOH is young, naive and full of "hope". That just means that he can't screw up in her eyes because she isn't as mature and knowledgable as him.

 

He can lie to his wife.

 

He can lie to FoH.

 

And both still bed him at night.

 

But at the end of the day, he may be out there for a night or two, but he will return home to his wife, his kids, his family. He will have dinner with them, do homework with them, remind them to pick up their clothes. He will help his wife with the dishes (or he may be a pig and expect her to do it). They will talk about their day, they will watch the news, they will watch a DVD or a tv program together.

 

And when he goes pee, he will send FoH a quick text telling her how much he misses her, how lonely he is, how he misses her.

 

Then he will head back to his wife who is sitting on the couch. They may have dessert before retiring for the evening. They will go upstairs to their bedroom, each get ready for bed (brushing their teeth, maybe flossing too) and then they will get into their bed that they share. They may hold hands while watching the evening news, they may spoon. He may rub her back. They will turn off the light, kiss each other good night and fall asleep.

 

The wife will fall asleep knowing her husband, who told her earlier in the day that he loves her, is beside her.

 

The husband will try to figure out how lucky he was to not only have a wife who is a loving, devoted wife and mother, but a younger woman on the side who listens and believes every lie out of his mouth. He will wonder if he will need a Plan E. Maybe he will get out of bed while his wife sleeps and sneak a quick phone call to FoH to reassure her of his undying love.

 

And the next day, the scene will replay again, but maybe one of the kids has a soccer game that they will go to, and they will sit in the stands and root on their child. So proud when the child scores a goal or blocks a shot. They will look at each other with such pride and happiness in their eyes.

 

And maybe MM will be able to sneak a quick text to FoH to ensure she stays enthralled with him; because she truly believes all the lies he tells. He will again congratulate himself on what a great job of deception he has done. Maybe that night he will get the kids to bed early so he can have some fun time with is wife

AAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!! this just described my entire EA. god, it is just so painful and enraging to think about. i really, really, really hope this is not what's happening to you, FoH. take it from some cake that got had and eaten too. don't allow yourself to be cake. revenge of the cake. cakes, rise up. cakes unite. cakes say: yes we can! run, cake, run!!!!!

 

Excellent post FO - I too was a cake (the BW) as was "our" OW (lol).

 

This pretty well describes the life we were leading, me and my H, right down to the pride at our kids' soccer prowess and the sneaking away to send e-mails to the OW late at night.

 

I recently found an e-mail he sent her at the end of the baseball season where we had a team break-up at our house that went very well. He described to her in detail what a great evening it was (it was) and then basically gave he the lines to keep her dangling then said he was off to bed as it was late. Bed of course meant with me.

 

I was oblivious to what was going on but what is it that makes OW such willing parties to be so obviously a bit on the side?

 

From reading posts here on LS I tend to think that my H was just a fraction more honest with OW than are many MM.

 

S

[Compelled]

I like that she believes in him. I don't think (from what she has posted) that she would even consider hiring a PI to see if he is telling the truth. Remember, she trust him completely. I believe it was Touche who referred to it as "blind trust."

 

The question now is where is she? Is he still there? Hello?

[Full Of Hope]

You people crack me up. All this talk of PI's and stalking...too funny.

 

He's gone now....left this afternoon. He was on "vacation" from work and on a "business trip" from home. It was a week and a half of heaven. I can't wait for our life together to begin...

 

Bad news on my transfer though. It's not happening. My boss went to the board, thought he was prepared, but they hammered him with questions he couldn't answer without revealing what was really behind the request, so he dropped it. Yep, a real crapper...what can you do...

 

Everything else is on track. Nothing to report really except the transfer, well, non-transfer news.

[tami-chan]

You people crack me up. All this talk of PI's and stalking...too funny.

 

He's gone now....left this afternoon. He was on "vacation" from work and on a "business trip" from home. It was a week and a half of heaven. I can't wait for our life together to begin...

 

Bad news on my transfer though. It's not happening. My boss went to the board, thought he was prepared, but they hammered him with questions he couldn't answer without revealing what was really behind the request, so he dropped it. Yep, a real crapper...what can you do...

 

Everything else is on track. Nothing to report really except the transfer, well, non-transfer news.

 

 

Hi FoH! You "sound" do happy!!!! . I do really hope that your MM will divorce the wife..just because the wife really needs to find someone who would love her as she deserves to be loved...

 

Sorry about the non-transfer....can't win 'em all...!

[Full Of Hope]

Thanks Tami. The transfer would have made everything so easy...

 

And yes, as always I AM super happy! Rainbows and unicorns you know...(where's Touche? lol)

[tami-chan]

Thanks Tami. The transfer would have made everything so easy...

 

And yes, as always I AM super happy! Rainbows and unicorns you know...(where's Touche? lol)

 

LOL....touche...oh she'll be here...!

[2sunny]

your fantasy is continuing...

 

even if he leaves her and comes to you - the complications of an arrangement as this tends to take all the fun out of it when reality sets in.

 

it gets very complicated when your guy begins to juggle the kids, the school schedule, the visitation, child support, spousal support, vacations, holiday arrangements, family gatherings, the list goes on and on... and happy tends to look much different than what you might imagine at this particular juncture.

 

enjoy the moment of bliss while you can perceive it that way. the calm before the storm...

[NoIDidn't]

Fantasy, indeed. As if the boss even tried to get a transfer done. I doubt that very seriously.

 

It seems as if she is being played by her MM and by the boss. How sad.

 

I'm all for visiting HIM in HIS state and not claiming that it would be stalking. I mean, he IS the love of your life right? He IS leaving his marriage, right? What's the problem?

[2sunny]

You people crack me up. All this talk of PI's and stalking...too funny.

 

He's gone now....left this afternoon. He was on "vacation" from work and on a "business trip" from home. It was a week and a half of heaven. I can't wait for our life together to begin...

 

Bad news on my transfer though. It's not happening. My boss went to the board, thought he was prepared, but they hammered him with questions he couldn't answer without revealing what was really behind the request, so he dropped it. Yep, a real crapper...what can you do...

 

Everything else is on track. Nothing to report really except the transfer, well, non-transfer news.

 

how can you be so delusional? he's been on a business trip? that's what he told his wife? honey, he's still at the lying stage... if things were on track he would have said - hey wifey... i'm tired of looking at you now... so the truth is - i'm heading on over to see full of hope for a week or so. but nooooo....

 

he's still the same liar he's been all along... why aren't you seeing that he's not making any progress at all to move forward with you - his words are just that... when his actions show that things are really changing it might be believable - until then, it is just the same old - same old... story we've seen here day in and day out.

 

same scenario with your job... things stay the same now right? oh, of course they do... and you now still sit with the dreaded waiting game he is playing with you.

 

i say - hurry up the process... if he's willing to be so honest - he won't mind when you phone his wife today to confirm the honest man he tells you he is... since he says he told her last week she won't mind the call - he's an honest man, yes?

[Trimmer]

He's gone now....left this afternoon. He was on "vacation" from work and on a "business trip" from home.

And you're the "love of his life..." It's a trifecta.

 

Incidentally, you know his wife knows why he was gone, right? She knows about you, she's talked with you, she saw the letter, she knows they are divorcing.... Even if she believes the lie that it was a "business trip," (or even more likely she doesn't believe it, but she goes along with that subterfuge as the path of least resistance), she's figured out by now that he's with you when he's there, right? And so doesn't that make the "business trip" lie just another stab, another poke? You said you felt bad for her reading his letter to you - isn't this just one more quietly suffered humiliation?

 

Bad news on my transfer though. It's not happening. My boss went to the board, thought he was prepared, but they hammered him with questions he couldn't answer without revealing what was really behind the request, so he dropped it. Yep, a real crapper...what can you do...

Wow - he really took one in the shorts for you. He went before the board with a proposal, putting some amount of political capital on the line to get you a transfer, intending to make the case from a business perspective, but then they "hammered him" (read: board is not impressed) and by not answering, he appears to be not sufficiently prepared to back up his proposal, and therefore drops it on the spot... I'm thinking this couldn't have helped his professional image with the board.

 

And eventually, when you two are together and the word of this filters out and makes its way to the board, won't that further erode his credibility with them? "Oh," they will think, "that's why he was asking... So he wasn't giving us the straight story." I can't figure out if you owe him a thank you, or an apology. Maybe both.

 

Everything else is on track. Nothing to report really except the transfer, well, non-transfer news.

The non-transfer is a pretty big "off-track" thing, isn't it? Doesn't this drop you down to "Plan E" at this point? Will you quit to move out to live with him? Will he will move out to your location? Sounds like those are your two options now.

 

It was a week and a half of heaven. I can't wait for our life together to begin...

Did your kids get more exposure to him, or were they with their father the whole time? It just occurred to me that if you move to be with him, you won't have ex-H there to take the kids; you'll have them full-time...

 

Any further thoughts on the effects of this on your kids, and the day-to-day realities of making it all work with respect to their lives?

[Jilly Bean]

how can you be so delusional? he's been on a business trip? that's what he told his wife? honey, he's still at the lying stage... if things were on track he would have said - hey wifey... i'm tired of looking at you now...

 

This is an excellent point, Sunny. You're so right. If he was leaving her as FOH seems to think, then he wouldn't need to be lying to the wife about where he is anymore.

 

Totally busted.

[Full Of Hope]

Ohhh...delusional schmalusional..."This story will end well." It's what I said in my original thread and I'll say it here too.

 

Just wait and see...that's all I can say.

[SidLyon]

Ohhh...delusional schmalusional..."This story will end well." It's what I said in my original thread and I'll say it here too.

 

Just wait and see...that's all I can say.

 

Just out of interest Full of ..., why are you tolerating that he is continuing to lie to his W?

 

S

[Full Of Hope]

Even if she believes the lie that it was a "business trip," (or even more likely she doesn't believe it, but she goes along with that subterfuge as the path of least resistance), she's figured out by now that he's with you when he's there, right? And so doesn't that make the "business trip" lie just another stab, another poke? You said you felt bad for her reading his letter to you - isn't this just one more quietly suffered humiliation?

 

I'm thinking this couldn't have helped his professional image with the board.

 

The non-transfer is a pretty big "off-track" thing, isn't it? Doesn't this drop you down to "Plan E" at this point? Will you quit to move out to live with him? Will he will move out to your location? Sounds like those are your two options now.

 

Did your kids get more exposure to him, or were they with their father the whole time? It just occurred to me that if you move to be with him, you won't have ex-H there to take the kids; you'll have them full-time...

Any further thoughts on the effects of this on your kids, and the day-to-day realities of making it all work with respect to their lives?

 

Hi Trimmer,

 

When he talked to his wife about leaving, it wasn't because of me. It was because he is miserable there. He's been very careful not to make this about me. Better to leave for other reasons...

She doesn't know he was here, so she wouldn't assume he was with me. She thinks he went to Boston...and I do not live in Boston.

 

It was my boss who went to the board, not him. He (boss) had really good reasons to transfer me....we just didn't expect all the questions. We figured they wouldn't care either way which team I was on. We were mistaken.

 

Yes, the non-transfer totally stinks. I'll be moving there.

 

My kids were here for 6 or 7 of the days he was here. The rest of the time they were with their Dad. I think a lot about what you said in my other thread...about the kids. Mine are so young it had never really occured to me that they would be affected. I actually talked to their Dad about everything after I read that post. I really took it to heart. We think we have a pretty good plan for keeping their relationship with him in tact, no matter where we live.

[Full Of Hope]

Just out of interest Full of ..., why are you tolerating that he is continuing to lie to his W?

 

Because I believe it's for the best when it comes to his kids. I want to be the one who brings him back to life after divorce, not the one who wrecked their family. I want a chance with them, and this is the only way I see that being possible.