change of heart

[MA]

I have been dating a guy for about a year now but the past couple of months it seems like we have gotten very distant from one another. He comes over every night, but we really don't talk about anything beyond what's on TV or the weather. He has never really opened up to me about his emotions about us or any subject, but I know he is like that to everyone, his brothers and friends. I don't think it can be healthy to keep things bottled up, but don't know how to get him to open up. Lately it has really taken a toll on our relationship. I feel like he is more light hearted and joking around friends and I almost learn more about him listening then, than when we are on the phone. I finally asked him about why he was acting so weird and he said, his feelings are different now. I basically said the ball was in his court about breaking up or taking some time apart or whatever. He responded by coming over and acting like everything is normal. I am getting mixed signals b/c when he actually expressed any emotion it was on email with him saying he feels different but, he didn't break up with me or anything. He just acts like every thing is the same. I don't know if he just can't bring himself to end it or what and neither one of us seems to be able to bring it up in person. He just left to go home for a week and a half and I am wondering if I should just move on or wait for him to come back and see if he came to any kind of conclusion while he was gone. Do you think this is past the point of reconciliation since we can't seem to communicate or is there something we should try. Thanks for your help.

[Miranda]

MA,

 

It sounds like this guy has some communication and relationship issues. You can't force anyone to open up to you, and please don't blame yourself. Many people have difficulties expressing their feelings or even interpreting them in a romantic relationship.

 

It sounds like you put the ball in his court and he's not doing anything with it. Not doing anything is NOT a yes. You need to think of yourself now. My advice is for you to move on with your life. Don't waste your time hoping he will change. You deserve someone who is honest and MATURE and will let you know that they care about you!

[to miranda]

Thanks, I think you are right. He is out of town now and will probably call when he gets back but, I doubt it will be any different. I just didn't want to give up to soon and regret it later.

MA, It sounds like this guy has some communication and relationship issues. You can't force anyone to open up to you, and please don't blame yourself. Many people have difficulties expressing their feelings or even interpreting them in a romantic relationship. It sounds like you put the ball in his court and he's not doing anything with it. Not doing anything is NOT a yes. You need to think of yourself now. My advice is for you to move on with your life. Don't waste your time hoping he will change. You deserve someone who is honest and MATURE and will let you know that they care about you!

[to tony]

This is MA,

 

What do you think about this situation?

I have been dating a guy for about a year now but the past couple of months it seems like we have gotten very distant from one another. He comes over every night, but we really don't talk about anything beyond what's on TV or the weather. He has never really opened up to me about his emotions about us or any subject, but I know he is like that to everyone, his brothers and friends. I don't think it can be healthy to keep things bottled up, but don't know how to get him to open up. Lately it has really taken a toll on our relationship. I feel like he is more light hearted and joking around friends and I almost learn more about him listening then, than when we are on the phone. I finally asked him about why he was acting so weird and he said, his feelings are different now. I basically said the ball was in his court about breaking up or taking some time apart or whatever. He responded by coming over and acting like everything is normal. I am getting mixed signals b/c when he actually expressed any emotion it was on email with him saying he feels different but, he didn't break up with me or anything. He just acts like every thing is the same. I don't know if he just can't bring himself to end it or what and neither one of us seems to be able to bring it up in person. He just left to go home for a week and a half and I am wondering if I should just move on or wait for him to come back and see if he came to any kind of conclusion while he was gone. Do you think this is past the point of reconciliation since we can't seem to communicate or is there something we should try. Thanks for your help.

[DARCY]

I was involved in a relationship identical to what you describe. He asked me to marry him after we dated for 3 months & I said yes. BIG MISTAKE! I realize now that I was afraid to be alone then. We were together a year & the whole relationship was void of any real conversation. Like your guy, he would joke & laugh when we were around his friends or family. But, get the two of us alone together & he never said a word. Later on, I realized he was a basket case, i.e. he was a very depressed individual. No matter what I did, he would not open up to me. I tried everything. I always talked about my problems openly with him, but I often got no response. I realized HE was the problem & made the decision that I could no longer accept a man who could not openly express himself with me. Afterall, love is about trusting someone with your whole being. I realized he really didn't care for me as much as he claimed because he could not be himself with me as he did with his friends and family. I suggest you move on before you begin to hate yourself. It happened to me. I was frustrated trying to get him to open up without any luck & I began to be a completely different person around everyone else I knew. When I finally gave him the ring back & cut him out of my life for good, I had numerous people tell me how changed I was--that I seemed like a much happier & nicer person than when I was with my boyfriend. I looked within myself to see that I deserved a man better than that. It sounds like you are not happy with this situation at all. Do something about it! End it before you're in too deep.

I have been dating a guy for about a year now but the past couple of months it seems like we have gotten very distant from one another. He comes over every night, but we really don't talk about anything beyond what's on TV or the weather. He has never really opened up to me about his emotions about us or any subject, but I know he is like that to everyone, his brothers and friends. I don't think it can be healthy to keep things bottled up, but don't know how to get him to open up. Lately it has really taken a toll on our relationship. I feel like he is more light hearted and joking around friends and I almost learn more about him listening then, than when we are on the phone. I finally asked him about why he was acting so weird and he said, his feelings are different now. I basically said the ball was in his court about breaking up or taking some time apart or whatever. He responded by coming over and acting like everything is normal. I am getting mixed signals b/c when he actually expressed any emotion it was on email with him saying he feels different but, he didn't break up with me or anything. He just acts like every thing is the same. I don't know if he just can't bring himself to end it or what and neither one of us seems to be able to bring it up in person. He just left to go home for a week and a half and I am wondering if I should just move on or wait for him to come back and see if he came to any kind of conclusion while he was gone. Do you think this is past the point of reconciliation since we can't seem to communicate or is there something we should try. Thanks for your help.

[to darcy]

Thanks Darcy, I have begun to accept that it is not going to work, I think I was trying hard to make it work but, it obviously is not. He is out of town for a week and a half and I have had time to start getting over it. I have known for a while, in the back of my head, that I would never be totally happy b/c a pet can be a warm body next to you or run to meet you at the door but not answer you back when you talk to them and that is exactly how he is. Also I think my friends have noticed I'm happier now that I've accepted the fact that it's over and stopped trying to figure out what I could do to make it better. You are right, it's time to let it go instead of dragging it on.

I was involved in a relationship identical to what you describe. He asked me to marry him after we dated for 3 months & I said yes. BIG MISTAKE! I realize now that I was afraid to be alone then. We were together a year & the whole relationship was void of any real conversation. Like your guy, he would joke & laugh when we were around his friends or family. But, get the two of us alone together & he never said a word. Later on, I realized he was a basket case, i.e. he was a very depressed individual. No matter what I did, he would not open up to me. I tried everything. I always talked about my problems openly with him, but I often got no response. I realized HE was the problem & made the decision that I could no longer accept a man who could not openly express himself with me. Afterall, love is about trusting someone with your whole being. I realized he really didn't care for me as much as he claimed because he could not be himself with me as he did with his friends and family. I suggest you move on before you begin to hate yourself. It happened to me. I was frustrated trying to get him to open up without any luck & I began to be a completely different person around everyone else I knew. When I finally gave him the ring back & cut him out of my life for good, I had numerous people tell me how changed I was--that I seemed like a much happier & nicer person than when I was with my boyfriend. I looked within myself to see that I deserved a man better than that. It sounds like you are not happy with this situation at all. Do something about it! End it before you're in too deep.