Sometimes a post hits the nail on the head...

[motive2002]

In reference to cheating, I found a revelation in this post that clearly described exactly what I have been through recently.

 

People sometimes only realise/decide there are serious problems in a relationship after they've cheated on their partner. I think it's human nature, when you screw up and let another person down, to look for reasons that let you opt out of responsibility to a certain extent....but once a cheat gets into that game, how can their partner respect and trust them again?

 

I know that I find it a lot easier to forgive someone a mistake/error of judgement/betrayal if they can look me in the eye and say "I messed up big time, and I can't give you any rational excuse." In that situation, I might even be able to consider what problems there had been in our relationship that we both should have taken some responsibility for identifying and addressing...though I'd need a cooling off period first. I certainly wouldn't take kindly to having that kind of "you're at fault here too, you know..." analysis foisted upon me by someone who'd just f*cked me over.

 

If various "....here are the problems with your behaviour and with our relationship ..." revelations only come after they decided to cheat on you (and my personal experience as well as other people's who I've discussed this with suggests that that's more commonly the case...) then the cheat and their reasons have zero credibility. That's just a case of a cowardly, dishonest individual finding ways to feel okay about the fact that they've betrayed someone.

 

So my ex after being caught, tried to pin everything on me, like it was my fault the relationship had gone sour, when in reality there is absolutely no way for her to justify her actions. What makes this all worse is that she was fooling around with a guy I knew for over 20 years. I trusted both of them. My old friend moreso naturally. I really never thought he could betray me like he has, and he too is trying to pin it on me, saying I brought it all on myself.

They are both full of it. i didn't do anything wrong, and them trying to tell me that it was the problems I had with my relationship to her after the fact is just way too convenient..

 

I'm posting this in hopes of proving to myself and to others that you don't have to take the blame for other people's hurtful actions. This dirt they are trying to throw back on me is all just a smoke screen. They are trying to justify what they did and I know better.

 

Always trust yourself.

[Trialbyfire]

Spend a little time in the OW/OM forum and they'll try to convince you it was all your fault, that you deserve to be cheated on.

 

There's just no justification for cheating and nothing and no one can convince me otherwise. If your relationship has failed, let it die. Why one person feels they're entitled to juggle two people within the confines of a committed relationship, is selfish indeed. If you consider the third party aka your friend who chose to interfere in your relationship, WTF? How about a big cup of who gives a fv*k, about what your dick feels? Talk about a lack of personal boundaries and morals, for anyone willing to get involved with previously committed persons.

[motive2002]

He claims he's innocent. Like he was just trying to be a friend to her.

She is so insecure that she feels like I would have cheated myself had the opportunity come along. She confided her fears to my (then) best friend and an emotional bond started to form. He was safe to her. She could tell him anything and he would listen.

Now part of what I just said is mostly speculation, but they did spend a large amount of time talking to each other behind my back. That I discovered on my own and I called them on it.

 

The point is, my friend should have never gotten that involved. Add to this the fact that he admitted finding her extremely attractive.. I can feel the wheels turning. When they were confiding to each other, he sold me out to make him appear to be the better catch. This dirt only really started to surface after the break-up, and she was accusing me of things that she could have only received information about from him.

 

He sold me out. After 20 years of friendship and support from me, he stabbed me right in the back to get with her, and is trying to turn it all against me.

 

I should send them the bill for my therapy

[m00nstone]

I have cheated, and I can say that it was not my SO's fault whatsoever, although I did notice the blaming trend in the OW/OM threads, which makes me sad. It was my fault for being so insecure and jealous. I was expecting, expecting, expecting him to cheat, and then I went and did it myself. I read somewhere, not on LS but it's probably here somewhere, that the insecurity that a person feels makes that person MORE likely to cheat. And for me, this was true. The insecurity wasn't a product of any action or words from my SO. It was something internal, and the way I erased it was by owning up to my actions and addressing the problem. People need to accept responsibility more.

 

It really sucks that your friend and ex are pinning the blame on you. Really, what could you have possibly done to make her feel so insecure that she needed to cheat? NOTHING. Call her ugly or stupid over and over again, but that's still not an excuse to cheat... an excuse to end the relationship, sure. Good for you for knowing yourself and your actions and not succumbing to their cowardice.

[Asami]

Spend a little time in the OW/OM forum and they'll try to convince you it was all your fault, that you deserve to be cheated on.

 

There's just no justification for cheating and nothing and no one can convince me otherwise. If your relationship has failed, let it die. Why one person feels they're entitled to juggle two people within the confines of a committed relationship, is selfish indeed. If you consider the third party aka your friend who chose to interfere in your relationship, WTF? How about a big cup of who gives a fv*k, about what your dick feels? Talk about a lack of personal boundaries and morals, for anyone willing to get involved with previously committed persons.

 

Right on! it amazes me how people can be so scummy. And not feel any true remorse..

[Taramere]

So my ex after being caught, tried to pin everything on me, like it was my fault the relationship had gone sour, when in reality there is absolutely no way for her to justify her actions. What makes this all worse is that she was fooling around with a guy I knew for over 20 years. I trusted both of them.

 

That's a horrible double betrayal - and yes, it's far worse when the person attempts to evade their responsibility by saying "well, I've been thinking about what made me do this - and I think really you should take some responsibility here..."

 

Funnily enough, that old post you quoted reminds me of someone doing that same thing to me. I can still vividly remember the conversation we had. By the end of it, he pretty much conceded that it was his responsibility and concluded that he guessed he was a bit of a shallow person, that he loved me "as much as he was capable of loving"....but strongly doubted he was capable of loving anyone sufficiently to be faithful to them.

 

Which is hurtful, but at least it's honest and taking ownership over his feelings and behaviour - rather than saying "you made me do this by doing X, Y and Z". It's a pity that sometimes you have to employ what amounts to an aggressive cross examination technique to get to that point with a person. It makes the whole thing far more hostile and destructive.

 

On the other hand, there are people out there who you have to do that with, because it's ingrained in them to blame anyone but themselves for weak, dishonest behaviour. I think after that conversation his feelings about me transformed from whatever cynical, indifference he had into outright dislike and a desire to inflict as much emotional pain as he could (it was a long, drawn out and extremely negative discussion. The worst I've ever had with anyone).

 

Which is what happens when you don't let people like that away with their blaming sh*t. Once you've seen the weakness and dishonesty in a person that enables them to do that, however, I think the disrespect you feel for them minimises their ability to inflict further pain on you.

[mark982]

i do hope you have some form of payback,to your ex-friend.